So High

Baby since the day you came into my life
You made me realize that we were born to fly


You know what hurts the most? These constant states of panic that I'm in whenever I leave Nakia's room. Even when I go to eat or pick up Josie, I'm always worrying that I'll walk in there and Nancy will have this sorry look across her face, saying that Nakia passed while I was out. Then I'd scream a disbelieving 'no' before scurrying over to her bed, only to find it empty. A clean sheet and pillow lying where her body once laid.

That's why it stung so much when Nakia asked me to leave. Twice. I feel like we fought or something. But it wasn't really an argument, was it? Oh my goodness, what if it was? What if she dies while I'm gone? She'll hate me forever. . .

No, no, no. I'm being irrational, right? She loves me. I know she does. We could have the biggest argument ever and she'd still love me.

Then why am I so worried? I think I'm having a panic attack. The air's too thin. I can barely stand. Not that I need to, I am sitting on this hospital chair outside of Kia's door. Yeah, I stayed right there and I'm freaking out. Can you blame me? I can still hear that eerie code blue signal in my head, telling me that Kia's gonna die. My heart quickens at the memory before I realize that it's only a passing thought.

And to make matters worse, I've been talking to myself. I don't know why though. I have people to talk to, ya know? But they just don't. . . get it.

This pain I'm feeling comes from so many levels. Family-wise, I've got Josie and parents. Friendship-wise, I've got Trace and Rebecca, Kia's best friend. But what about the marital aspect of things? Who do I have for that? Nobody I know can truly say they know how I feel. Well, my grandpa would've, but he passed away last year. I think the death of my grandma broke his heart, literally. He had a heart attack after coming home from visiting her grave. It was a depressing time, but Kia helped me through it.

But who's gonna help me get past this?


You showed me everyday new possibilities
You proved my fantasies of love could really be


Another depressing part of me believes that I'll follow in my gramps's footsteps. It's a scary thought, but sometimes I wish that I would die, just so I could be with Kia. I never actually tried anything, but there were times where I thought about how many pills it would take to cause some damage or how long it would take for me to drown if I stayed submerged in the water long enough. As soon as these things entered my mind, I would tell my mother. She'd say it was somewhat normal and that grandpa went through the same thing. But if I'm feeling this way now, what the hell am I going to do when everything really falls apart?


Let's go to a place only lovers go
To a spot that we've never known
To the top of the clouds, we're floating away and. . .


Do you see what Kia does to me? I've never put a girl first before. It was always my family, career, and then the girl. But now, it's like she comes before breathing. Maybe I am losing my mind. It's a comforting thought because it explains so much, but I know I'm not crazy, yet. I still have time to lose my marbles. I'm not intentionally trying to, but if it happens, what can I do? I know Josie will be taken care of. Nakia wouldn't have to worry about it and the asylum I'll be put in will take care of me. So, no worries, right?


Ooh this feels so crazy
Oh this love is blazing
Baby we're so high
Walking on cloud 9


I love her too much. But she's my world. My everything. So, when she goes, everything that ever had meaning becomes insignificant. It's not my fault that she completes me. It's not my fault that the thought of never seeing her again tears me apart. It's not my fault that I'll never love again. Ever .

Her love could never be replaced. What we have can never be felt again. Nobody on the face of this earth could love me the way she did. I'll never be able to let myself go again.

I'd rather die a terrible death than to betray Nakia like that.


(You've got me up so high) So high
(My shoes are scraping the sky) So high
(You've got me up so high) Oh
(My shoes are scraping the sky)


You don't know what living is until you've been loved the way that I have. Until you've met a human being that makes you feel like you could walk on water with them by your side. You don't even know what love is until you're willing to sacrifice yourself and everything you own for that person.


Maybe later we can go up to the moon
Or sail among the stars before the night is through


Nakia and I used to play this game. We'd try to express our love to each in one word. I know it sounds cheesy, and it was. But it was great. To express your love for someone in so many words was beautiful. Nakia's favorite word was complete. She told me that I made her whole and I said that without her, I'm nothing. And I'm not. I feel like less than half the man I used to be now that she's slipping away. It feels like I'm made of dust and every passing day blows a part of me into oblivion.

I used to think that it was the hospital that was making her ill. You know how hospitals creep you out? The spotless everything and the too happy for their own good doctors that seem to have super glued their fake smiles to their faces like warped clowns. It made me sick. I couldn't imagine what Kia was feeling as she was probed and poked by those freaks. So, I'd take her out at night. We'd sit outside and get some fresh air. We'd avoid the topic of her treatments, trying to place some normalcy into our conversation by talking about Josie and the album I had been working on.


And when morning comes we'll see the sun is not so far
And we can't get much closer to God than where we are


I guess that's what I'll miss the most. Our conversations. We kinda knew what the other was feeling. I'd say that my day sucked and she could tell if I got into an argument with Trace or couldn't figure out a lyric for one of my songs. She could read my mind. I loved it. With Nakia, there was no beating around the bush. No bullshit, just the point. She was a female version of me on some levels. Always stubborn and determined. Never putting down her beliefs for the sake of another.

Perfect is the only way to describe what she was for me. What she is for me.


We'll go to a place only lovers go
To a spot that we've never known
To the top of the clouds we're floating away


That's another thing I've been doing. Every time I speak about Kia, I use past tense. When I catch myself talking like that, I mentally kick my ass. It feels like I'm pushing for her to die and in my mind, it's like everybody notices. Trace heard me say that I missed Nakia once. He gave me a weird look before nodding and saying that I meant I missed the old her. I did, but that wasn't what I was talking about. I meant that I miss her because I was out with Josie that evening. All this sadness filled me as I realized that past tense will one day be the only way to talk about her.


Ooh this feels so crazy
Oh this love is blazing
Baby we're so high
Walking on cloud 9


Whenever I try not to think about the future, the thought consumes me even more. Life without Nakia? The sound of it is foolish enough, let alone the reality of it. I said I'd still love her and be with her 'til death do us part. Not just her, not just me, but us. That's why this is so unfair. How dare this cancer come along and take a part of me, leaving the other half to bleed? To think, this microorganism just decides to implant its murderous self inside of my wife, killing her slowly and painfully without another thought.

But what about God? Where the hell is He? I thought He was the savior of all things. Mister all good and holy, call me if you need me. I've been calling for months now, asking Him to heal Kia for me or hold His master plan of death off until Josie grows up. But I guess He's so busy forgiving murders and rapists, that He can't return my calls.

I used to go to church with Kia every Sunday. I prayed with her and Josie on either side of me. I really fell for all the gospels and their teachings. But it was crap. All of that shit was bull. God didn't care about us. He didn't protect us and heal us. He doesn't have your back even if you follow every fucking rule He's ever laid down.

Kia did everything right. She saved herself for marriage. She forgives the unforgivable. She loved everybody and everything, even the men that called her a prude when she refused to have sex with them. Even the fan of mine that called her an average bitch that didn't deserve me. She loved me when I cheated. Kia has used profanity twice in her life (all in the same argument), she doesn't eat pork, she obeys her parents, and is the most selfless human being you could imagine.

But it wasn't enough for Him.

"Shit. . ." I grumbled tiredly as the steady ringing of my cell phone knocked me out of my thoughts. JC's number popped up on my caller id before I accepted the call.

"Hi, daddy," Josie's bubbly voice instantly filled my ears and I perked up.

"Hey, baby," I cooed, my daddy tone in full swing, "What's up?" I could tell she was shrugging, despite the fact that I couldn't see her.

"Nothing," she answered, "Me and Uncle Joshy are going to get some ice cream." I smiled and stood, walking over to the glass window on the outside of Kia's room.

"That's great, baby. I must say, I'm jealous." Josie giggled that carefree laugh that her and her mother share.

"You can have some if you want," she offered, "We can bring some for you and mommy." The thought of ice cream and joking around like we used to came to mind, but I realized that Kia was fast asleep.

"Nah, that's cool, baby girl," I said, "Mommy's sleeping and I think I'm ready for a nap too." She whimpered and sighed disappointedly.

"Okay," she whined, "But are you coming home?" The excitement in her tone caused a guilty knot to form in the pit of my stomach.

"Not tonight," I informed her, "Mommy's having a bad day, so I think I should stay with her."

"Is she really, really sick?" Josie asked softly, the sadness, I was sure, was on her face in the form of a pout.

"She's just having a hard time. . ." I struggled to explain, not wanting to confuse her with the jumbled thoughts running through my head.

"It's okay, daddy," Josie interrupted, "I miss you." I pressed my forehead against the glass and frowned as my eyes drooped down tiredly.

"I miss you too, Josie." I could hear JC's muffled voice in the background as I waited for a response.

"Uncle Joshy wants to talk to you." Josie said before JC's voice took over.

"What's up, man?" he asked, worriedly. I furrowed my brows quickly as I sternly spoke.

"Are you driving?" I questioned. It was his cell phone number that flashed across the screen when I got the call. He knew I hated it when someone drove and spoke on their cell while Josie was in the car. I never did that, in fear that I might lose focus and get into an accident with her.

JC quickly dismissed my question, "No, man. We're at Dairy Queen," he explained, "But what's with Kia's bad day?" I sighed and rolled my eyes, not really wanting to bring up our previous conversation.

"She freaked out about dying and got angry when I told it wasn't that bad," I paused as Kia's hurtful words rang through my ears, "She kicked me out." I could hear JC's shocked gasp and my cheeks burned with embarrassment.

"Was it like a 'Get out!' or a 'Leave me alone'?" I shrugged and smiled when I realized Josie and I shared this habit.

"More like the latter," I confessed, "She said she wanted some alone time, so I sat outside her door until she fell asleep."

"She was probably praying or something," JC comforted, "You know how she gets when she's 'one with the Lord'." As he quoted Kia, my bitter resentment toward God returned momentarily as I turned away from her window and faced the stark white wall of the hallway.

"Yeah, I guess it was something like that." My tone was far from convincing, but I was too tired to put up my front any longer.

"I'm sure she's not mad, Justin," JC continued, "She must be upset with everything that's going on. You gotta put yourself in her shoes." I licked my drying lips as I wearily collapsed in the chair I had been sitting on before. Putting myself in Kia's place was the one thing I would do. But it was impossible, no matter how badly I wanted to do it.

"I would if I could, man," I stated earnestly, "I really wish I could."