Refuge (When It's Cold Outside)

Kia was my support unit through many things. She told me that I could do something, even when the world doubted me. Even when I doubted myself. Take my acting for instance. I wasn't exactly being raved about when I released Alpha Dog and Edison . Everybody told me I would suck and that I should stick to singing and dancing. But Kia told me that they were haters that I didn't need to pay attention to. She encouraged me to promote the movie with my cast and crew. So, I did.

The movies were blockbusters.


I pray for better days to come
I pray that I would see the sun
Cuz life is so burdensome
When everyday's a rainy one


Another doubtful period of time was my decision to make another 'Nsync album. I had been battling over that for five years before I finally did it. Believe me, I didn't want to. Nobody did. Even some of my fans begged me not to do it. It would be career suicide, is what they'd say. That the 'Nsync days were over and another solo album was what I needed. But Kia wasn't having that.


But suddenly there's no more clouds
I believe without a doubt
That heaven sent an angel down
And then she turned my life around


"You have to do this album, Justin." Kia stated softly as she fixed the bed. I rolled my eyes as I continued to shave.

"It's not a good idea, Kia," I began, "It's career suicide." I could hear Nakia groan loudly. The frustration in her tone has mounted. We've been having this discussion for weeks now.

"You're only saying that because everybody else is saying that," she said, "You're becoming their puppet." I turned my face sharply to argue but hissed in pain when the blade cut into my skin.

"No, I'm not," I protested as I moved closer to the mirror to inspect the damage, "And thanks for making me bleed." As soon as the words left my mouth, I could hear Kia's pacing feet coming toward me.

"Bleeding?" she questioned as she walked over to the towel rack and grabbed a washcloth.

"Yeah, right here," I said, pointing to the injured area, "It's not stopping either." Her small frame waddled toward the sink. She pushed me aside and instructed me to sit down on the toilet. I watched as she wet the cloth and opened the medicine cabinet.

"I don't think you're being considerate," she told me, already beginning her rant, "You're not the only one whose career is a part of this." When I saw her pull out the rubbing alcohol bottle and pour some of it onto the towel, I cringed. I could already feel the sting.

"Not to sound like a cocky bastard or anything, but I'm the one with the most success. If this album flops, I'm ruined. I won't get anymore respect." Kia rolled her eyes and came toward me. She sat on one of the small chairs near the toilet and gently turned my head to start cleaning the cut.

"Justin, these aren't just people you're working with. They're practically your brothers. Stop being so selfish." She wiped the alcohol cloth across the cut and I took in a breath. She blew on it softly and it eased the burn.

"I'm not being selfish," I argued.

"You just said that you're the most successful and that you're gonna lose the respect. Your main concern is you." Kia pointed out.

"Sometimes you have to be a little selfish in this business to succeed." I took the towel from her hand and stood. I walked over to the sink and washed off the cloth. As the silence loomed in the room, I rinsed the rest of the shaving cream off of my face when I finished shaving. Kia still sat there, her eyes burning a hole into the back of my head.

"You are unbelievable," Kia stated, disappointedly, "These guys got you to where you are. They support your every decision and they never ever doubted you. But when the time comes for you to do the same, you're suddenly too good for it." I looked down and licked my lips.

She definitely had a point.

"But if I fail, then what?" Kia shrugged.

"Then you fail," she stated bluntly, "But you show everybody that you cared enough to try. That you're a man of your word. I mean, you promised 'Nsync would work on something again." I sighed as I took a seat back in front of her.

"I do like the lyrics we've been working on." Nakia smiled softly, her eyes shining brightly with anticipation, "Okay, I'll try." She yelped and giggled lightly.

"I'm so proud of you." she announced before her lips came crashing down on mine. I accepted the kiss and returned it. To this day, I'm grateful that I listened to her.

That album went triple platinum.


You know and I know
Friends come and friends go
Storms rise and winds blow
But one thing I know for sure


It wasn't a smooth ride though. Recording it was a headache all by itself. We couldn't agree on anything. The time apart made us all crabby and stubborn. Compromise wasn't even in our vocabulary anymore.

"JC, all I'm saying is that masturbate isn't something that I wanna sing." Chris stated as JC rolled his eyes.

"It rhymes! Late, masturbate!" Joey raised a brow and I snickered.

"How about it's sick, you stupid dick?" Chris countered. Lance chuckled as well as Joey. I tried to stifle my laugh, but failed miserably.

"I don't know what you're laughing about, Timberlake," JC said suddenly, "You're out of this world, except you're not green? Who writes that?" I narrowed my eyes and sneered.

"At least I don't write about how I get off because my girl won't give me some." Everybody 'oh'ed and JC flipped me off.

"For your information, Eva gives me it all the time," JC argued, "At least I don't have to put a ring on her finger to get it."

"Excuse my wife for respecting herself," I said, "Unlike some people." All the guys looked at me and I realized they all were having sex with their current girlfriends. Or in Joey's case, had sex before marriage.

"Are you trying to say my wife doesn't respect herself?" Joey questioned.

"I was talking to JC," I explained, "Besides, this is about this damn album, not our relationships."

"Fine, but I don't want to change the lyrics," JC whined, "We either leave it like that, or don't use it."

"All in favor of losing this song, say 'I'" Chris asked.

"I!" We said in unison. JC pouted and swivelled in his chair.

"You guys suck. I'm gonna go home. I'm tired." JC got off of his chair and we all stared at him in shock.

"Dude, it's 8:30, where do you think you're going?" Lance asked.

"We've been here since nine this morning, and I'm exhausted." With that being said, he turned around and left. As time went on, everybody began to go their separate ways, leaving Chris and me to fend for ourselves.

"You wanna call it a night?" I asked, my pen tapping the empty page of my song book. Chris shrugged and sighed.

"We might as well. Everybody else did."


When it's cold outside
There's no need to worry cuz
I'm so warm inside
You give me peace
When the storm's outside
Cuz we're in love I know
It'll be alright
Alright, it's alright


It took us a year, but we finally got it out. I was nervous as hell as we sat in Jive Record's meeting room. The 'Nsync guys, our managers and publicists, and everybody else involved in this record sat anxiously as we wanted for the number of record sales we had for our first week. I felt a lot of hostility being directed at my bandmates coming from some of the people in the room, as if they were saying 'You better not screw Justin up'. I felt really terrible when I realized that I was one of them.

But when news came that we were number one and broke our own record of the most album sales in a week by 500,000 copies, everybody was hysterical. We did what nobody believed we could. I couldn't imagine not being in that room and having that moment with the guys again. The rush of adrenaline and the pride that filled us all.

But I should've known that it was a temporary joy.


Now peace is so hard to find
We're terrorized and victimized


With 'Nsync being the hottest thing out there, we were wanted everywhere. London. New York. Australia. France. Everybody wanted a piece of us. Paparazzi were on our asses even more and suddenly, Us Weekly couldn't go a week without one of our faces on their covers. They were tearing us apart. Saying things about our relationships, claiming that we all hated each other and were having contract negotiations. It hurt that my family was being attacked also. Nakia went shopping with Josie one afternoon and was hounded by a group of them. Josie was scarred for life, but Nakia was somewhat used to them and handled it well.

Nakia seemed better equipped to deal with things than I was at the time. She helped me get passed all the shit that was happening. It was quite a relief to hear her laugh about the latest rumor of me hooking up with some random chick in a club while I was in Germany. Her faith in me helped get me through the drama.


But that's when I close my eyes
And think of you to ease my mind


Even days when I was at home and still stressing about where to go next, she comforted me. Through all the interviews and live performances, knowing she was watching, at home or in the audience, was all I needed.


You take me to another place
There's no more war (no more war)
Just love and grace
Baby you restore my faith
I know the struggle's not in vain


Now the tables have turned. I'm suddenly the supporter as Kia fights her battles. I'm the one who has to hold her hand through it all and make jokes to get her mind off things. Even if the reality of it all doesn't completely disappear, a second away from the drama is more than enough. It's like putting alcohol on a cut. It stings like hell when it's first applied, but a simple blow, if only for a moment, takes the burn away.


You know and I know
Through all the battles
Baghdad to Israel
There's one thing I know for sure


Things have progressively gotten worse. Over the last five days, Nakia has suffered through kidney failure. They placed a catheter in her and she's even more antisocial. The embarrassment she said she was going through was an addition to her pain.

"I can't even pee anymore," she complained, "This cancer isn't playing around, is it?" She laughed lightly, trying to hide her true feelings of sadness. It was all in her eyes though. I saw right through her. But I nodded and took her hand, hoping to give her a form of comfort. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep again, only to wake up five minutes later.

"You have to rest, babe," I told her, "Sleep is what you need." Her eyes closed as my hand ran over her smooth skin. She took in a deep breath before exhaling.

"Justin. . ." She took in another breath, practically wheezing. My heart jumped as my panic ran over me.

"What's wrong, Kia?" Before I could blink, her snoring filled my ears. I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief.


When it's cold outside
There's no need to worry cuz
I'm so warm inside
You give me peace
When the storm's outside
Cuz we're in love I know
It'll be alright
Alright, it's alright


She's been doing that lately. Falling asleep mid-sentence. Talking is becoming a form of exercise for her. Her energy levels haven't been their highest in a while, but they've plummeted over the last few weeks. Tears me apart to see this listless side of her. To watch her struggle to lift her hand when she used to do cartwheels, literally, when she played with Josie. To know that I'll never be able to make love to her again, hold her in my arms as we swing on our back porch, laugh as she attempts to do some of my dance moves. . .


Cuz you give me peace
In the middle of the storm
When it's cold, you're keeping me warm


I wish I was still in my stages of denial rather than acceptance. Lying to myself seemed to ease my pain, but the harsh reality in front of me now. . . It's too much for me to handle. Last night, I slept at home. Kia begged me to spend time with Josie and I agreed to. It's what she wanted and I'd do anything for her. Josie and I talked about living with JC and Eva. Ate ice cream and I gave her a bubble bath. After tucking her in and kissing her goodnight, I decided to bathe myself. It had been a long time since I took a bath. Showers were more convenient.

But anyway, the warm, candlelight bath was a stress reliever. I got dried up and put on my boxers. My tired body slipped into the Egyptian cotton sheets and my head sunk into the coolness of the plush pillows. But when I reached over, in search of a familiar body, I ended up empty handed. It was a slap in the face. Kia was in the hospital, but I had lead myself to believe, in that moment of time, that things were normal. And it felt great. I guess what they say is true: Ignorance is bliss.


I'm never gonna leave
You give me what I need
It's alright, alright


Being in this hospital again was a cold and hurtful feeling. My helplessness settled comfortably on my heavy mind and my heart sank as I took in Kia's pale body. But this was my life. What I looked forward to every day was bad news and tabloids. Yet, I still tried to live through it.

Just for Kia.