Live It Up

"Happy birthday to you. . . Happy birthday to you. . . Happy birthday, dear Kia. . .Happy birthday to you. . . " As the claps and cheers filled the room, Nakia quickly blew out the candles on her fudge cake. Everybody, Trace, Rebecca, our parents, Nancy, Josie, and JC, had gathered in the hospital for our quiet celebration for this joyous occasion.

Balloons and banners were hung around the room. Silly string and other party favors were distributed to all the guests and piles of chocolate goodies were placed on a side table, reserved for Nakia. The weather was great and the vibes that we were getting from everybody took away the painful reality that was sure to strike us tomorrow.

It wasn't even Kia's birthday.

It's not suppose to happen for another month, but with things looking the way they are, we decided to take this opportunity to celebrate. It was kinda funny how everybody smiles for her and give their best wishes when they know it won't change anything. Sometimes, it upsets Kia. You could see it in the fake grin she returns as she mumbles a thank you. There were even moments where I wanted to slap someone for being too happy. As if everything really was okay.

But then I realized that it isn't about how I feel. It's not about the bitter resentment or the aching feeling of my dying soul. It's Kia's day. And she was finally having a good one after so much suffering. I had no right to take that away from her.


You know we've been struggling for such a long time
Working here and there just to get by
It's finally time for me to get mine


So, I smiled and stood by her bedside, keeping a watchful eye on her. Nancy was helping Josie with Kia's present, which I have yet to see, and JC was getting Kia's food and drink. Nakia asked me to just stand by her side, and relax for just a moment. But I couldn't relax. I don't know how anyone else is pulling it off.

I was about to sulk and wallow in my worries until I saw Josie running inside the room, a smile spread across her precious face as she shushed everybody.

"Okay, mommy," she began, "Miss. Nancy helped me with this." Before I could blink, she was already out in the hall again. Everybody waited patiently for her to pop up again.

"What did she get me?" Kia whispered as I shrugged with a smile.

"She wouldn't let me know," Kia giggled and sat up more. I adjusted her pillow and she thanked me.

"Close your eyes, mama!" Josie shouted from the hall, causing everyone to laugh. Kia did as she was told, even placing her hands over her eyes. I chuckled as I watched a four foot tall stuffed teddy bear get pulled through the door by a breathless Josie. I helped her and Nancy get its. . . angel wings. . . through the door.

"Can I open them?" Kia asked, impatiently. Everybody laughed at her eagerness. Josie adjusted a few items on the bear before nodding.

"Yes, mommy!" When Nakia's emerald eyes fell on the gift in front of her, they lit up happily.

"Aw, I love it!" she gushed. Josie proudly smiled and looked up at her mother.
"Well, I wanted you to have something when you go to heaven, so I got you a teddy bear. I know you love teddy bears," She sniffled and wiped her nose. I prayed that she didn't cry because I could already feel my tears building up.

"I really appreciate that," Kia said sincerely.

"I made it an angel too," Josie rambled, a nervous trait of hers, "Because they only let angels in heaven. Even if she's not really an angel, her wings make her look like one. Even if it's not real. . ."

"She's beautiful," Kia commented, "She'll fit in with the other angels," I watched helplessly as Nakia's eyes glazed over with tears. Josie looked up, worried.

"I didn't mean to make you cry, mama," Josephine apologized. Kia waved her off and chuckled.

"They're tears of joy," Kia explained, "Don't worry yourself over 'em." Josie nodded and picked up the bear, placing it next to Nakia's bed.

"You know what?" I interrupted, "How about I give you my present, Kia?" Everybody smiled and Kia grinned.

"Okay," she agreed, "Should I close my eyes?" I swiftly walked over to the corner of the room, rolling her wheel chair toward her.

"No, but you can let me help you in this chair, so I can take you to it." She smiled and helped herself into the chair. I covered her lap with a blanket, making sure to cover up the catheter to ease her embarrassment. As we went down the hall, Kia questioned my every move. I'd only laugh and tell her that she'd have to wait and see.


Oh live it up
We can go crazy
Live it up
You and me baby
Live it up, live it up, live it up


I brought her outside to the back part of the hospital. They had this mini garden area where patients would sit and bask in its beauty. I took us to a somewhat secluded area of the garden where I had set up a table covered in white lace. A single red rose placed in a clear vase was placed in the center of it.

"Jay. . ." Kia said softly as her eyes ran over the scenery, "This is gorgeous." I smiled and placed her in front of the table, pushing her chair in. I bent down and revealed a perfectly packed basket of goodies from underneath the table. Her warm smile made my heart quiver. I had to go months without that smile.


We're flying high
Don't wanna come down


"Before we begin over chicken Alfredo meal," I began as I set up our dinner plates, "I'd like to give a toast. . ."

"You know I can't drink alcohol," Kia said, her disappointment was evident.

"Who said alcohol?" I asked jokingly. I reached into our picnic basket and pulled out a bottle of sparkling grape juice, "Care for a glass?" She laughed heartily as I raised a brow comically.


Let's go raise a toast to the days ahead
You can't take it with you when you're dead
You might as well enjoy it now instead


I poured some juice into her wine glass before pouring some for myself. After making my way into my seat comfortably, I reached across the table and took her hand in mine. For a few moments, we silently stared at each other, not really needing words to express what we were feeling. Being stuck up in that hospital for so long made us realize how much we were missing. Just being in this garden, hearing the birds chirp happily rather than the beep of a heart monitor, was music to our ears.

"What do you want to make a toast to?" Kia asked, breaking the silence. I shrugged and looked up to the sky.

"To sunlight, and air. To trees and birds. . ." I chuckled softly in my dreamlike state of mind, "Just. . .life." Kia lifted her glass and tapped mine.

"I hear that," she agreed, "Anything else?" I paused, taking a moment to think.

"I also want to make a toast to good days," Kia smiled, "For longer, strong, prosperous days together. Just to love and happiness. To strength and resilience. And most importantly," I sighed as I struggled with the words, ". . . a restoration of faith." Kia looked at me thoughtfully before giving my hand a squeeze.

"Justin?" Kia said softly as my eyes drifted away from hers, "Don't tell me you. . ."

"Don't tell you what?" I snapped, "That I don't believe in . . . Him?" I gestured angrily toward the sky, pulling my hand away from her grip, "How can I believe when all this shit is going on?" Kia took her thumb and index fingers to the bridge of her nose, squeezing the area in a stressful manner.

"Justin, you have to have faith in him," Kia stated, "He's real and he's all we have right now."

"No, you're all I have right now," I corrected, "And it's His fault that I'm going to lose you."

"It's nobody's fault," Kia said in an exasperated tone, "God doesn't cause bad things to happen, he only allows them. . ."

"What priest taught you that?" I interrupted, "It's crap, Kia. Every single word of it is crap. All lies that they set up to fool millions." She shook her head, her eyes showing nothing but sadness.

"Those words in our vows were crap then?" she rhetorically, "I guess that means that Josie's baptism was crap too, along with yours and mines and the millions of idiots who fell for the lies of the church."

"That's not what I mean. . ."

"That's exactly what you mean, Justin," Kia argued, "You said they were all lies. That's how you feel, isn't it?"

"I just don't think I should praise someone who's just idling sitting around, watching us suffer like this." I explained.

"Justin, don't you see what He's given?" Kia questioned, "Look at you? You're Justin Timberlake. Musical artist of the century!"

"That doesn't compare to this," I cried, "I'd give up if I could change things."

"Why?" Nakia reached across the table and held my hand, "It's a part of you." Throughout the day, I've been thinking about what's been running through Kia's mind. I'm going insane, but she's the one that's dying. I would think she'd understand my loss of faith. That me and her would be on the same boat and would say screw God together. But, if anything, her faith's gotten stronger and I couldn't get my head around it.


Do you remember when times were hard?
Oh so hard
Through it all
We've come so far


"He's letting you die, Kia. Don't you realize that?" I asked her, "He can save you, but he won't."

"Jay, baby, do you remember the bad days I had over the last few months?" I nod and she continues, "Do you remember all the good ones?" Again, I nod, "Do you remember when I got to the hospital and they told us I had, what? Three months? Four, if I was lucky."

"Of course I remember all of that, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"Justin, it's been a year and some weeks, and I'm still here. Having a good day too," she explained, "God made that happen. He got us through those bad times and helped us reach this point."


So we can just celebrate, there's no more pain
Raise your glass and feel no shame


"So, that justifies your passing?" For some reason, Kia seemed to have morphed into a modern day mix of Gandhi, Buddha, and a hippie. Her “all love and peace” state of mind amazed me. She seemed to have the answers to all of my questions.

"Well, that's just life, sugar," Kia paused, thinking about something, before speaking again, "Life's like a hotel. You gotta check out in order to let someone else check in." Why did that make sense?

"Why can't I buy the damn hotel?" I mumbled as I pouted. Kia threw back her head and let out a contagious and hearty laugh that forced a smile across my face.

"I'm going to miss your goofiness," Kia grinned, "I'm just gonna miss you." I sighed, feeling my heart drop into the pit of my stomach.

"Why don't we talk about something else," I suggested, "Like. . . sports?" Kia rolled her eyes.

"Not talking about it isn't gonna change anything," Kia pointed out, "It's the inevitable."

"It's also quite the Debbie Downer," I chuckled as Kia smirked, "Lets talk about. . ."

" Sex baby. Lets talk about you and me. Lets talk about all the. . . " Kia began before I interrupted her.

"Nakia Davis!" I laughed, "You can't sing that dirty song." She only laughed at me before shrugging.

"What?" she asked innocently, "Sex is a beautiful thing. God made that too, ya know." She winked at me and I licked my lips with a small grin.

"Hey, I never said I hated everything he does."


Oh live it up
We can go crazy
Live it up
You and me baby
Live it up, live it up, live it up


Kia and I spent the whole day together. We took a walk around the hospital grounds and even snuck out to get some ice cream at a diner a few blocks down. It was so much fun being with her, alone and happy. There were no hospitals and no responsibilities. It felt like I was a kid again, having the time of his life with the most beautiful woman in the world.

It was almost midnight by the time we got back in the hospital suite. Everybody cleaned up for us and left Kia's chocolate goodies on the small table. For most of the night, we talked and ate chocolate. She asked me to write a song about chocolate and dedicate it to her. I laughed, but made a mental note to start working on it.

I had fallen asleep with my head resting on her stomach as she lovingly stroked my head. I woke up the next morning, and Kia was still asleep. I decided to run downstairs to the cafeteria to grab some coffee for myself and an apple juice for her. But when I got down there, a sickly feeling formed in the pit of my stomach. I thought my body was finally catching up with all the Mars Bars I ate the night before, but then I felt something else. An instinct that something was wrong.

I rushed back up to Kia's room, only to find her asleep. A rush of relief came, but was soon covered by panic when my ear caught onto something. The steady beat of her heart monitor was beeping faster than normal. The bars on the black and green screen were rising higher and higher. And the gasps that were suddenly slipping from Kia's lips caused me to choke on the air.

Finally, the siren went off. I could hear the stampede of doctors and nursing heading our way and I quickly exited the room as they rushed in. Orders were being screamed everywhere. Tools were being demanded and the noise seemed to cluster together in one big deafening sound. Soon, my heavy breathing was the only thing I could hear.

Silence.

Everybody seemed to have frozen in place as looks of pity and sympathy formed on the faces of the breathless doctors and nurses in the room. The crowd slowly dissipated as everybody left the room, giving me a pat on the back or a whispered 'I'm sorry'. I watched in horror as one lonesome nurse wrote down the time on a chart in her hands. I watched as she pulled the blanket over Kia's upper body until her face completely disappeared beneath the white cotton.

I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe.

She was gone.