Epilogue

I don't know what was worse: knowing she was dying or knowing she was dead.

But as I sit here, I wonder if it's okay for me to be this dispassionate. It's like I'm numb. I just can't feel anything. No sadness. No anger. No happiness. No. . .anything. It's like my heart has disappeared with my soul, leaving my empty shell behind.


I wish this could be
A happy song
But my happiness disappeared
The moment you were gone


Kia was everything inside of me. She made me wake up every morning and gave me a reason to smile each day. But now, what's the point? Every part of me is lifeless and I'm not even sure my heart's still beating in my chest. Should it really feel like this? Is this what it's like to have a major part of your life torn away from you? I've lost both my grandparents, and I loved them to pieces. But the pain was there, it was sharp and evident. Yet, the pain I'm feeling now is numbness. This sense of longing to be held and loved, but never getting there. Empty is what I feel. Useless. Powerless. Vulnerable.


Don't think I ever believed that
This day would come
Now all I'm feeling
Is lost and numb


The death of her wasn't really a surprise. We all knew it was going to happen eventually, but there's always that glimmer of hope in us that something miraculous might have happened to save her. It was a naive thing to think. Even more foolish to put all your faith in it. Like I did.


And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I would try


I don't think I can do this. Funerals were never a thing of mine, but I went through it. I watched in disbelief as lowered her ivory casket into the ground before Josie and I walked by and dropped two roses on top of it. But this wake was terrible. Everybody was standing around, laughing about the good ol' days. Josie was with Rebecca upstairs in her, crying her heart out, begging for her mother's return. Her little fingers couldn't grasp the idea of death. Especially a death that was so unfair to everyone.


But I, yes I, miss you
And it's killing inside


I'm beside myself. What am I doing? Life isn't going to be right. I'm a single parent now. There's no more Nakia to help heal Josie's cuts or make her hair all cute with barrettes. I can't even cook anything besides eggs, so what the hell? I'm screwed. I'm going to be a dead beat daddy without Kia to guide me.

"Are you hungry, baby?" My eyes slowly shifted from the glass coffee table in the center of the room to my mother. I could feel her hand rubbing comforting circles in the center of my back as I shook my head.

"No, I'm not," I answered glumly as my eyes roamed the room. Everybody's black outfits clashed against the white of the living room. They were all chatting amongst themselves, nodding and smiling weakly as they exchanged their own unique memories of Kia. Trace and my dad, Randy, were looking at the photo display on a table on the side of the room. It was sort of a Nakia Davis shrine that Nakia's mom, Helena, set up.

Helena had decorated the entire house for this wake. Accenting every corner with a white lily or carnation. It was beautiful and it kept her busy. We talked on the phone for an hour when I gave her the news of Kia's passing. It was mostly crying, but it felt nice to have another person who felt like I was feeling.


I'll always be thankful
For the time we had
We were blessed
I should celebrate
But I feel too sad


Nakia would be disappointed in me if she knew what I was thinking. What I want to do. What I've done. I was actually stupid enough to put a knife to my wrist. I didn't cut deep enough to cause any real damage, but blood was drawn. At first, I was content with the idea of death, I thought it was the best idea. Then I saw the red ooze from my torn skin and I panicked. I quickly rinsed the cut and bandaged it. Nobody noticed yet and I'm praying that they don't.


All the wonderful memories
Just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody's
Stabbed me in my heart


"Do you want a beer?" I heard JC ask. My eyes landed on the brown glass bottle of Miller Lite in his hands. I took the beer and smiled softly, offering a silent thank you. I looked to my right and saw that my mother had made her way over to my stepdad, Paul. My attention went back to Jayce. He was focused on the coffee table like I had been a few seconds before.

"Thank you," I said softly, "For helping me with Josie all the time and for being here now." He simply nodded and offered me a smile.

"I'd do it all over again, man," he said, "I'm sorry things didn't go as we hoped." I sniffled and wiped my nose with the back of my hand.

"Yeah, so am I," I confessed. He gave me a firm pat on the back before quickly pulling me into a sideways hug. It ended as quickly as it began and I excused myself to head upstairs to check on Josie.


And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I wouldn't cry


The echo of my clicking heel filled the silent hallway. I loosened up my black tie as I took in deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. If Josie was crying, I was going to fall apart. I hate it when she's hurting like this because I can't do anything for her. No band-aids or Barbie will stop them. Besides, I can barely say Nakia's name without choking up, how am I suppose to comfort her?

Right when I reached her door, it swung open. Rebecca's eyes met mine as she offered me a small smile while pulling the door shut behind her.

"She's asleep," she whispered, "She wouldn't talk to me, she just kept crying." Her voice cracked as the words left her mouth. Oh great, she's not helping either. My body subconsciously inched forward, pressing her into my chest. The tears flowing from her eyes soaked the thin material of my dress shirt. As I rubbed her back, I fought every part of me to prevent myself from joining her in mourning.

After a few seconds, she finally regained her composure and controlled herself, "I'm sorry," she apologized, "It's just really hard."

"I know," I said, trying my best to hide the bitterness, "I miss her too."

"Of course you do," she told me, "I'm sorry if I sounded like. . ."

"No, it's okay," I explained, "She meant a lot to everybody," I watched as she nodded and placed a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Well, I might as well go downstairs before somebody gets worried and thinks I jumped off the roof or something," She chuckled and I smiled, "Are you coming?"

"Yeah, I'll be down in a few," I told her, "I'm just gonna use the bathroom." With nod and smile, she continues her journey down the hall. I take a peek at Josie in her room. Her curls surrounded her face as her body practically disappeared beneath the Hello Kitty sheets on her bed. I walked over to her bedside and bent down to place a tender kiss on her cheek. She shifted slightly, but stayed asleep.


But I, yes I, miss you
And it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
Want you by my side


I made my way out of her room and down the cream-colored halls. My eyes ran over the photographs that lined the walls. They were family photos, some taken by Nakia. She loved taking pictures. It was a secret passion and talent of hers. There was a picture of Josie and me playing with Brownie, our spaniel. There was one of me in Vatican City, standing on the steps of St. Peter's. There was the infamous shot of us kissing in the center of the dance floor during our wedding reception.


Walking, holding hands
Talking, making plans
Touching my heart, my soul


The stinging of hot tears quickly overwhelmed me as I wailed in pain as my heart began to break even more. My hand clasped over my mouth to muffle my cries and I ran toward the bathroom. I securely locked the door behind me as my back rested against the wall. I slid down until I was sitting on the cold tile floor, my long legs stretching ahead of me before I brought them to my chest.


Tell me it's not happening
Say it's not as it seems
Tell me that I'm gonna wake up
It's just a bad dream


I sat there for what seemed like forever, sobbing until my eyes were blood shot and my nose was clogged up from all of my sniffling. Look at me. I'm a mess. I can't believe Kia thought I had this in the bag. I broke down at the sight of a few photographs. What am I going to do when the holidays come around? When Kia's actual birthday arrives and I don't celebrate it? Hell, what about tonight when I go to bed, alone and cold?


Please tell me that it's fiction
Tell me it's just a lie
Whatever you choose to tell me
Please say she didn't die


"Kia?" I called in the mist of my insanity, "Please, come back to me. I'll do anything!" My pleas were met by silence and I cursed myself for being so stupid. What was I expecting? An answer of some sort?


Ooh well I, miss you
Want you by my side
Back here by my side
Here by my side


Suddenly, a light tapping on the door shook my from my thoughts. I cleared my throat and wiped away my tears.

"Just a second!" I called as I stood and walked over to the sink.

"Daddy?" I quickly turned on the water and wet my hands, rubbing them over my face. I didn't want Josie to see me like this.

"Hold on, sweetie," I told her, "Daddy's coming." Grabbing a small towel, I made my way over to the door, unlocking and opening it as I dried my hands.

"Are you okay?" Josie asked as I took her small hand and brought her into the bathroom. She was still dressed in her black dress, her curls ruffled by her sleep.

"Daddy's fine," I lied before kissing her forehead, "Why?" She looked up and gestured for me to lower myself to her level.

"I heard you crying," she whispered as her tiny hands cupped my face, "And your eyes are as red as cherries." I chuckled and sighed. The resemblance between her and Nakia was becoming more and more evident.

"I'm just upset," I explained, "I miss mama just as much as you do." She nodded and pouted.

"You don't have to cry, daddy," Josie said, "You got me!" I laughed and kissed her cheek.

"I sure enough do," I agreed, "And I'm lucky."

"'Cause I love you?" she questioned. I nodded and hugged her. Her warmth was soothing to me and I could feel the essence of her mother.

"And I love you too, sugar," I told her, "That's all we need, baby. Each other."



Song Credits:

"Miss You"- Jem