She Don't Have To Know

I might as well get this off my chest while I'm in the mood for honesty. I'm sure you'd love to know what made our relationship not-so-perfect. The reason behind all that is simple when you hear it, but complicated when you go into detail.

I screwed us up. I made an error in judgment that nearly cost me my marriage. My child. My life. All because I couldn't handle a rough patch that I knew would happen eventually. I mean, we were married. Married couples cross a path where things become difficult, but you fight it out. You make things work. Even if it hurts. Even if you have to set your pride aside and compromise. Yet, I failed to remember that when Nakia and I got there.

It was our sixth year of marriage. Eight years since we became a couple. Everything was going fine. We had Josie, three then. I had made two successful albums, one solo and the other with 'Nsync. We were all healthy, financially stable. I thought we were all set. But then the arguments started.

At first, it was over little things. Like where I left my shoes and who was going to set the table. Then it was about money. Where it would go. How it was spent. Basically, the two different worlds we lived in collided. Nakia was the save-a-penny girl. I was the buy-a-mansion-and-a-Mercedes kinda guy. She wanted Josie to have just enough. I wanted to give her the world. It seemed like we couldn't agree on anything anymore.

"Justin, for the love of God, stop buying her these stupid dolls!" Nakia yelled as she grabbed the brand-new Barbie I had just purchased Josie, and threw it into a toy chest.

"What?" I asked angrily, "It was twenty bucks!" She rolled her eyes.

"You can't give her everything just because she wants it." It was my turn to roll my eyes.

"You're acting like I can't afford it," I huffed, "Besides, she kept whining over it. So, I got her the damn doll." She gave me her famous 'stop with the profanity' look before bending over and gathering Josie's crayons that were scattered on the floor.

"Is that your form of parenting?" she asked accusingly, "Give her whatever she whines over just so you wouldn't have to deal with it?"

"Are you trying to call me a bad father?" I said as my anger rose.

"I didn't say that, Justin," she sighed, "I just wish you'd learn to put my foot down."

"I do put my foot down," I argued, "If I don't want her to have it, she doesn't get it."

"Oh please, Justin," Nakia stood and placed her hands on her hips, "The moment she gives you that face, you drop down all resistance." True. So very true. But I wasn't going to admit it.

"She's my daughter, Nakia. I wanna give her whatever I can. She should have good things." I said, trying to reason.

"Good things don't need to be toys, or ice cream at all hours of the night," she shot back, "Teach her something. Help around the house and set an example for her."

"So now I'm not a good role model?" She groaned loudly before dropping the crayons in her hand into a pencil holder.

"Why do you always jump to conclusions?" she asked curiously, "It's like you want me to call you something terrible."

"I just want you to tell me what you're really thinking instead of trying to beat around the bush about shit!" I shouted.

"Stop cursing! ," she demanded, "You know how much I hate that."

"I don't care about what you hate," I sneered, "Fuck! Bitch! Ass! Shit!" I screamed childishly. Nakia's eyes widened and shoved me angrily.

"Josie might hear you!" she growled, "For once in your life, be mature!" I narrowed my eyes at her and turned away from her. I stalked down the hallway and down the stairs. As I crossed the living room, I saw Josie playing aimlessly with her toys, completely unaware of her surroundings. After I made my way out front, I hopped into my car and turned up the radio.

Driving used to calm me. Made my stresses disappear, even if it was for a moment. But on that day, driving changed everything. Driving was a tool the devil used to get me. Trap me with his sharpen claws, pitch fork, and the biggest spawn of Satan known to man: Jessica McDonnell.

She crashed into my car. My brand-new Escalade was ruined because she supposedly didn't see the stop sign. At first, I started cursing everything to hell as I jumped out of my truck. I surveyed the damaged and rolled my eyes.

"Got damn it!" I screamed before turning toward her car, "What are you? Blind!?!" I asked, rhetorically. She stayed in her car and I could see the scared look on her face. I could also see how hot she was when she finally stepped out. Her body was covered in a muscle tee and a mini skirt. She had forgotten to wear a bra because I could see her through the almost transparent material of her shirt.

"I'm so sorry, man," she apologized, "I didn't see you coming." Her hotness failed to diminish my anger, but it did lower it.

"You didn't even stop," I said, no longer yelling, "Thank God I didn't have my daughter in the back. She could've died." Her face turned red with embarrassment and she mumbled another apology.

"I'll pay for the damage . . . " I cut her off with a wave of my hand.

"Forget it . . . " I paused, realizing that I didn't know her name.

"Jessica," she filled in, "Jessica McDonnell." She reached her manicured hand out to me and I shook it with a smile. I dropped her hand and looked around. People were starting to stare.

"Do me a favor, Jessica," I said, "Just . . . watch where you're going next time, okay?" I turned away and got back into my truck, but stopped when I heard Jessica's voice.

"Hey!" she called, "Call my people for the insurance stuff." I looked down at her hand and saw a small business card.

"No, it's okay," I said, "Just forget about it." I offered her a warm smile, my inner flirt slowly rearing its ugly head.

"Then just call me." She flipped the card over, a cell phone number clearly written on it. With a wink and a smile, she walked happily back to her car and drove off. I got into my truck and smiled as I made an u-turn back home. I was pulling into the driveway when I saw that it was dark. Nothing but a small lamp light was shining from Josie's bedroom. It seemed cold and I knew that I was going to hear it from Nakia for leaving so abruptly. So, I reversed and drove down my street for a few minutes before stopping at a red light.

I looked on my dashboard and saw Jessica's card. I reluctantly picked it up and fought myself on whether calling her was such a good idea. I had two options here: Go home and argue or call Jessica and possibly hang out.

Unfortunately, I chose the latter.


Oh, stealing moments just to be with you
Though it's wrong, it's hard to tell the truthBut she don't have to know
She don't have to know


Every time me and Nakia fought, whether it was about a t.v. show or this month's bill, I ran away to Jessica. She was an escape. A girl who just wanted to have fun. She reminded me of the lifestyle I had before marriage. The free, easy-going life where I partied and drank. Even got high every once in a while. Every moment with her was just relaxing. I didn't have worry about apologies and arguments. I didn't have to control my profanity levels when I was around her. I didn't even have to set an example for her like I had to do for Josie.

But whenever I came home from one of our outings, feelings of guilt ran over me. I had a family, a wife and a beautiful daughter, yet I was spending all of my free time with her. Josie rarely got to see me as it was, so I should've been home to her, allowing Josie to have some quality time with me.

And Nakia . . . The Lord knows how much I love her. I couldn't put it into words if I tried. But there was no need to. She knew how I felt and vice versa. No matter how many times we fought and no matter how many nights I hung out with Jessica, I always come back to her.


When I meet cha
I got my shades on to cover up my eyes
I'm hoping that nobody sees me passing by
Through my disguise
I still know you recognize


Jessica was still a part of my double-life.

I still snuck out to see her. I even picked a few fights with Nakia just to have a reason to walk out. I know, I'm an ass. You don't have to tell me twice, but I couldn't help it. She became somewhat addicting. Like I had to see her or my day just wouldn't be right. So, I did what I had to do to see her. Sometimes, I'd work my ass off in the studio in order to get out early. Other times, I'd wear my hat a bit lower and go to less crowded place to meet her. It wasn't Nakia I was running from in moments like those, it was the paparazzi. The last thing I need is a shot of us on the cover of Star Magazine and a headline about my new fling.


But you
I know you got a little secret of your own
Sneaking out with me while your man's at home
You know you're wrong
But it's so strong still carrying on


I wasn't the only one in the wrong here. It turns out that Jessica was very engaged. I believe his name was Reggie. She loved him. She really did. But they were going through the same thing me and Nakia were going through. They just weren't getting along lately and she said I was an escape for her too. I guess that's why some part of me thought it was okay. What Jess and I were doing wasn't uncommon and repulsive. Just human.


Someone's watching
We got to be careful next time or we're through
(creeping, creeping)Damn it's so stressful doing the dirt we do
So sad but true
And I know one day
I'm going to pay


But all good things must come to an end. Especially when reality hits you like a brick. When you have a moment of clarity and realize that your lame ass excuses don't justify your actions.


Then you ask me
To sneak out of town for just a day or three
(1,2,3)
Go to dc and hold hands publicly
All through the streets
Cause they don't know you and they don't know me


I wasn't suppose to get so serious with Jessica. Hell, I wasn't suppose to meet her in the first place. But when she asked me to go to a small town where she grew up, it hit me that I was feeling something. Regret. Guilt. Disgust. I had become one of the most hated kinds of people.

A cheater.


Oh it's getting crazy
I don't want to hurt my baby


But that wasn't me. That wasn't the man I was or wanted to be. And it certainly wasn't the man Nakia thought I was. So, it had to stop. Whatever this thing was between Jessica and I, it wasn't worth my marriage. It was hard to tell her that, but it had to be done.

"Jessica, we can't do this anymore." She looked up at me from across the small café table.

"What do you mean?" By the look on her face, I could tell she knew exactly what I was talking about.

"This . . . thing we've got," I said in a hush tone, "I love my wife, Jess." She huffed and rolled her eyes.

"So now you love your wife?" she questioned, "You weren't worried about her the other night." Wow, burn on me.

"It was a mistake. Everything. Us. The things we've done. The lies I've told," I sighed, "I can't keep doing this to her. To my daughter." She sniffled as tears began to glaze over her eyes. Great. Now I'm an even bigger jerk.

"I know, I'm sorry," she apologized, "I just . . . Reg and I aren't gonna work. I know it." My heart went out to her, but I wasn't going to take back what I said.

"I'm sorry about that," I said, sincerely, "But I want Nakia and I to work, Jessica. I want to make things right." She nodded understandingly before sipping her water.

"So, do you plan on telling her about us?" For a moment, I turned my eyes away from hers. I sighed and shrugged. For the first time in three months, I said something honest.

"I don't know," I answered, "I don't want to cause anymore friction, ya know? Maybe not telling her is a good idea." Jessica shrugged and smirked.

"Hey, the only thing worse than telling her, is not telling her," I licked my lips and continued to listen, "Look, Justin, if you want to make things right, don't start it off on a lie. Be honest and if it's meant to be, than things will work out for you two."

". . . And you'll be fine." I blinked my tears out of my eyes as Eva's hand rubbed my back. I wasn't even paying attention to her, but the last of his words rang through my ears.

And you'll be fine.

"The doctors said she could go any day now," I sniffled and rubbed my red eyes, "I could wake up tomorrow and see an empty hospital bed." Eva's sympathetic look only caused me to wallow deeper into my sorrows. I hated when people looked at me and saw a pathetic loser.

"They said that last month and she's still here, Jay." True, but still. A month ago, she wasn't hacking up her lungs every five minutes. A month ago, I couldn't feel her slipping away from me.

"I know," I sighed and buried my face into my hands, "Why her?". Eva shrugged and wrapped her tiny arms as best she could over my board shoulders.

"Why anybody?" she asked, "Things happen, Justin. We can't control it, but we have to deal with it." I nodded, but felt no form of comfort from her empty words.

"Yeah, I know." I replied, "I just have to deal with it."