Number One

It's been a little over two weeks since Eva talked with me. Her empty words were somewhat helpful and I did feel a moment of comfort when I thought over them. She's still here. I'll be okay. But what happens when she's gone? Only God knows, but I think that the only thing that's gonna keep me from jumping off of a building is Josie. She's so precious. Innocent. Completely . . . innocent. It hurts to know she cries for me. To know that she understands, even if it's only a little bit, that her mom is leaving her for good soon. I spent the night home with her. She cried a lot. I cried a lot. It was refreshing to finally have someone who really understood what I was going through. Even if she was only four years old.

"Daddy?" I turned my head tiredly over to Josie as she stretched her tiny arms and stood from the uncomfortable chair in the corner of the room.

"Yeah, sugar?" I answered, aware that my southern accent emerged. She slowly walked over to me and I pulled her onto my lap. Her eyes shot in the direction of her sleeping mother. I followed her gaze and for a moment I wished that Nakia would magically rise off the bed and walk out of here with us. Happy and cancer-free.

But I knew that would never happen.

"What happens when mama leaves us?" I strained to hear her whispering voice and sighed. How can you answer a question if you don't have an answer to it?

"Well," I began, "Mom wants us to move on. Be happy and take care of each other." She nodded and snuggled her head into my chest.

"What if I'm never happy?" she asked, "Will mommy be mad?" I wrapped my arms around her tiny frame and gave her a tiny squeeze.

"Of course not, baby," I assured, "Mama knows you're gonna be happy again, you just have to be patient." She shook her head in disagreement before wailing.

"No! No!" I tried to hush her, not wanting to wake up Nakia, "I hate God!" Angry tears rolled down her face as she sobbed. Nakia stirred and began to cough. I didn't know whether to comfort Josie or assist Nakia. All the noises became somewhat overbearing. Until the coughing stopped and the straight-lined siren of Nakia's monitor took over. I could her a tiny alarm automatically go off and I froze.

Her heart stopped. Nakia's heart just stopped.

"Somebody help me," I said in a breathless panic before screaming at the top of my lungs, "SOMEBODY! PLEASE! MY WIFE!"

I heart was pounding like crazy. Everything became a blur. I had to feel my way through the hallway as I shouted for help. I could hear the rushing feet of doctors and nurses. I could hear my daughter's cry as she clung to me. I could feel the hands of a nurse against my chest, holding me back as I fought my way through the crowd. She kept telling me I had to wait out here. That it wouldn't be wise for me and my daughter to see this. Whatever the hell this was. I finally relented though, too tired and dazed to fight anymore.

I was going to lose my wife. Again. This time would be permanent though. But it hurts all the same.

The first time I nearly lost her was two years ago. About a month after I broke off my engagement with Jessica. Everything was clean cut. I stayed home and battled everything out and we got through it. Granted, I hadn't told her about Jessica and me, and I wasn't going to. I know they say honesty is the best policy, but there's an exception for every case.

"Justin!" Nakia giggled as I pinned her down to the bed, "Josie's in the other room." I shrugged and smiled before continuing my journey of butterfly kisses over her breast.

"Never stopped us before." I mumbled as I licked her sweet skin. Her small hands gently gripped my hair as I did so and an animal-like growl escaped my lips.

"You're gonna have to explain the noises to her next time," Nakia smiled, "The roller coaster line isn't working any more." I laughed and looked up at her as I nipped the skin around her naval.

"Or maybe . . . " I said before kissing her thigh, "Somebody should learn how to muffle her screams." I could see the blush fill her cheeks. It still amazed me how I still made her blush after all these years.

"Bite me." She giggled and I raised a brow.

"If that's what you want." I said as I softly bit down on her inner thigh. She squeezed her legs around my head in her fit of laughter and I chuckled.

"I should suffocate you in there." she threatened.

"I'd die happy." I informed her as she released me from her thigh prison. Her hands rested softly on my cheeks as her eyes found mine.

"Come here." she cooed softly. I happily obliged and climbed over her on all fours. For a few moments, she simply examined my features as though she never saw me before. She then rubbed the back off my neck, her fingers playing with my tiny curls.

"As much as I'm enjoying this, can you tell me where this is going?" She laughed and sat up to kiss me.

"You are so impatient," She smiled and kissed me again, "I have a surprise for you." I let out a primitive growl and kissed her neck.

"Is it in here?" I questioned as my hands trailed up her short nightie. She laughed and sighed.

"That's the other half," I laughed as her hands tickled my sides gently, causing me to peel myself off of her long enough for her to jump out of bed.

"Where ya going?" I whined. She looked over her shoulder at me as she walked over to our bureau.

"Nowhere," she answered as she pulled open one of the drawers. She pulled something out of it and hid it behind her back, "You better like this." she warned as she walked over to me.

"Let me see it and we'll find out." Nakia's grin was back on her face as she sat on the edge of our bed. She sat up and I followed suit, excited over my gift.

"Here," she said as she held out a velvet box, "Open it." I timidly opened the box, afraid that she had spent way too much money on me. My fear wasn't in vain. She had gotten me a gold, engraved bracelet. It read N & J For All Eternity . I smiled at the thought and looked up at her as she smiled softly.

"This is really beautiful, Kia." I professed, "But it looks expensive." Nakia rolled her eyes and waved me off.

"Money isn't what's important," she told me, "It's an apology." I looked at her weirdly as she clasped the gift around my wrist.

"An apology for what?" I asked as I held her hand in mine. She shrugged and bit her bottom lip.

"Everything," she breathed, "I've been really hard on you, Justin. All these arguments and stuff, they were so petty and pointless." My guilt was already on the rise.

"No, honey, it's not your fault," I assured, "I'm the one who was being a prick. I didn't take your feelings into consideration . . . "

"Justin, please," she said, cutting me off, "You always put me first and I never appreciated that. You're such a great husband. You're loyal, faithful, honest, and even though you can be stubborn as heck, you set your pride aside to do what it takes to make me happy. And for that, I'm grateful." I didn't even know what to say to that. Because it was all a lie. I'm a terrible husband. I'm a whore, that's what I am.

I wanted to tell her everything. About Jessica. About how truly sorry I am for cheating and how I'd never do it again. But I didn't. Instead, I smiled and thanked her. I even cried and she held me. But they weren't tears of joy. They were painful tears caused by the regret eating away at my soul. She loved me too much. I didn't deserve her. Nakia deserved a man who was as faithful and strong as her. Not me.

I was a liar and I wish I hadn't been. I think my honesty could've prevented the drama that came a week later.

It was a Saturday. Trace and I had gotten back from a game of basketball and he dropped me off before heading down to Elisha's, his girlfriend, house. I walked in and checked the mail laying on the coffee table.

"Kia!" I called but was meant by my own echo, "Nakia!" I called again. No response. So, I headed upstairs. I could hear some shuffling coming from our bedroom and I stuck my head in. I saw her sitting on the edge of the bed. Her hand had a death grip on the phone as her furious eyes met mine.

"Where were you?" she asked suddenly. I stiffened up with fear before answering.

"I was with Trace at the rec.," I said quickly, "What's wrong?" She stood, the phone still in her hand.

"I don't know, Justin," she said, "You tell me!" I stood there, clueless and scared.

"I don't . . . " I began before being interrupted.

"Who's Jessica?" I froze into place and tried to play it off.

"Jessica who?" Before I could blink, Nakia threw the phone at my head. I ducked and backed away as she stomped toward me.

"Don't lie!" she screamed, "You know who she is! How . . . How could you do this to me?" Her voice cracked as she turned away from me. I could see her reflection in the bureau's mirror as she leaned on it.

"How . . . "

"She called." Nakia answered before I could finish my question, "She called and asked you to take her back. She said that she missed everything . . . you guys had." I could hear her sniffle and sob as I stood there helplessly.

"We didn't have anything," I explained, "She was nothing, Nakia. I love you." She let out a bitter laugh as she turned to face me.

"You love me?" she asked, rhetorically, "Is that why you cheated? To prove how much you loved me?"


You can't say I don't love you
Just because I cheat on you
Cuz you can't see all I do
To keep you from knowing the things I do


"No," I told her, "I . . . I don't even know why I cheated." I said, honestly. Her eyes filled up with more tears as she covered her mouth to muffle her cries.

"You let me believe that everything we've been going through was my fault," She wiped her tears, "I can't even look at you anymore."


Like erase my phone
And keep it out of town
I keep it strapped up when I sleep around
Well I should have known one day you'd find out
But you can't go and leave me now


This is my worst nightmare come true. All of my dirty laundry was hung out to dry and Nakia had to witness it all. I never wanted this. Any of it, but I just have to deal with it.

"Jessica was . . . somebody I could go to when we were fighting," I said, "I couldn't deal with us and the stress so I. . ."

"Ran away? Left me alone? Found some other woman to fulfill your needs because I was too angry to sleep with you?" Her eyes never left mine as her words hit me.

"Things were getting so bad between us . . . " I said, rambling by now.

"I was there, Justin!" she screamed, "I was right there with you. Every fight. Every make up. Every moment in our marriage. I never left you. You left me!"


You know that I love you
There's no one above you
I said it the last time
But this is the last time


"It was a mistake!" I said as my hot tears rolled down my cheeks, "I swear, I won't do it again."

"Of course you're not," Nakia whispered, "Not to me anyway."


Don't make me over
Cuz I can be faithful
Baby you're my number one
You're my number one


"What?" I asked as my heart picked up pace. She couldn't be saying what I thought she was saying.

"You heard me," she answered, "I can't, I just can't."


Well I'll never be something I'm not
Please don't throw away what we've got
Cuz we've been together for way too long
I was playing around but I'm coming home


"No, no, no," I pleaded, "Don't say that. We'll get past this." She shook her head as she walked over to our closet.

"This isn't some petty argument," she said, "This is something I can't deal with. You're not the man I married." Ouch. Words will never hurt me is a damn lie.

"I'm sorry," I said as I watched her grab as suitcase and toss some clothes in it, "I'm not perfect." She wiped her eyes and continued to throw her clothes inside of the case.

"I never asked you to be," she informed me, "I just asked you to be true to your vows. To love me. To be faithful. But I guess that was just too much for you."


You know that I love you (know that I love you)
There's no one above you (no one above you)
I said it the last time (hey, hey)
But this is the last time
Don't make me over (don't leave me baby)
Cuz I can be faithful (you know I try)
Baby you're my number one (baby)
You're my number one


"Nakia, please!" I said as I grabbed her suitcase. She ran her hands through her jet black hair and cried.

"Justin, give it back." I held it behind my back and refused.

"No," I said, "Not unless you promise to stay." She wiped her tears again, but they were quickly replaced by a fresh set.

"You don't know how hard this is for me," she said, "Do you think I want this?" I sniffled and wiped my own tears.


You're making it hard for me
You're messing up everything
You tell me I gotta leave
Say we over


"Then stay." I plead as she shakes her head. I know she wanted to stay as badly as I wanted her to, but she was trying to stand her ground.

"Justin!" she yelled before sobbing, "Just . . . just let me leave." I watched as she fell onto the edge of the bed, her face buried into her hands. I could've sworn I heard her heart breaking and it tore me apart. She needed to leave. And I loved her enough to give her that.

"Here," I said as I reluctantly handed her the suitcase, "I'm sorry." She took the suitcase and walked out. She didn't give any acknowledgment to my existence and I couldn't blame her. I couldn't blame her for keeping Josie out of my view for three months. I can't blame her for moving out. I can't blame her for avoiding me at all cost. Going as far as to send JC over to drop off and pick up Josie whenever Nakia let her stay over. She didn't talk to me. I did all I could to reach her. I know she was living with JC for the past six months. I asked him to take her in and make sure she was safe. As well as Josie.

"She's not ready to see you," JC always said whenever I asked him how she was doing. I was beginning to become physically ill every time I heard that phrase. But I had accepted and expected it. I knew that it was all for the best and rushing her wasn't going to be the right thing to do. So, I waited for her. I waited her to take me back. But then I lost my patience and did something stupid.

I payed her a visit.

As soon as she opened the door, I could tell she was horrified by my presence. She was in sweats and a sweater. Her glasses were on her face and her skin had a natural tan. She looked absolutely beautiful.

"Hey," I greeted lamely. She timidly looked me up and down before pushing the door open, but only big enough for her to push half her body out. Before I knew what was happening, she was crying her eyes out. I began to panic and did what I usually did, I reached out to hold her.

But she wasn't looking for any of my affection.

"No!" she shouted, "Don't put your hands on me!" I jumped back, shocked by her reaction.

"I'm sorry," I rambled, "I won't do it. I swear, I changed, I changed." I grabbed her arm and in my own panic, tried to pull her toward me.


I promise I won't cheat
I promise I won't lie
I promise I'll act right


"Justin, stop it! Stop!" She pushed against me, but I was ten times stronger than her.

"I love you so much, Kia. Please come home." When I think about it now, I realize how psychotic I sounded.

"Justin, please. Let me go."


Say we over
You can't tell me
I can't have you
I can't have that
We ain't over


"But I love you." I said as she backed away from me. She stayed silent for a moment before walking back inside of the house. She turned and faced me, a solemn look on her face.

"But I don't love you."