I Can Change

As you can imagine, I just about died when she told me she didn't love me. My world was over. My heart was gone. I lost her completely.

But I'm also too stubborn to accept that.

So, I was on a mission. A mission to get her back. To earn her trust. She loved me. I know she did. It was her anger and hurt talking, not her heart. I, Justin Randall Timberlake, was going to get his wife back by proving to her that the man she married. The man she loved, was still here, ready and willing to give her the world.


As I look back on all that I've done to you
My biggest regrets
The things that I never could do


I was going to be her Justin again. I was going to shave. She loved my smooth skin. I was going to spruce up the house and build up that swing set for Josie. I was going to cook too. Well, try anyway. I wanted to impress her. JC and Trace would tell her about all of my improvements and she would say that she wanted to come home.


I see the light now baby it's shining through
Gotta give up the game
Yeah I got some changin' to do


It took months of hard work and persuasion, but it finally happened. She came over. Granted, it was to pick up Josie, but still, it was something. She looked good too. Great, actually. It scared me though, knowing that she was doing that well without me. But I didn't let that get to me. I was confident. I was going to get a conversation started and we were going to make this work.

"Hey." My voice cracked. You know that annoying wheezing sound that happens to guys sometimes when they're in the middle of puberty? Yeah, that's what I sounded like. But Nakia didn't seem to mind. She only cracked a smile momentarily before she realized I was happy with this.

"Hi." she replied. That was it. Our first conversation in months consisted of a hey and hi. But it was exhilarating! I mean, come on. Months without looking at her and hearing her voice. This was great. But then it got less great because all of our conversations for the next month were like that. Hi, bye, see ya later. Nothing else. It was very frustrating. After all my work, nothing much changed.

"Hello, Justin." Nakia greeted as she walked through the back door. I smiled and stood, adjusting my sweater to make sure it was just right for her.

"Hey, Kia." She offered me a soft smile before awkwardly leaning on the kitchen counter, "Josie should be down any minute now." I continued, not really knowing what to do. I didn't want this to be all I got out of her.

"Okay." she said drily as she looked around the kitchen, "It's really clean in here." she commented as I beamed with pride.

"Yeah, I've been keeping it that way," She nodded, "They've got this really great cleaner nowadays called Scrubbing something." Nakia laughed lightly and I blushed.

"Bubbles," she added, "Scrubbing Bubbles." I agreed with her excitingly.

"Yeah, that's right!" I smiled as she grinned at me, "I knew it was bubbles or balls, whatever." We both shared a laugh before we heard the patter of tiny feet.

"Mommy!" Josie said as she hugged her mother's leg. Nakia smiled and ran her hand over her head.

"Hey, babe. You ready?" Josie nodded before turning to me.

"Bye, daddy." I leaned down to receive my kiss on the cheek before Josie tugged at my shirt sleeve.

"What is it, princess?" She looked back at her mother before looking up at me.

"Can you come over for dinner?" I raised my brows and my eyes widened in surprised. I sighed, knowing that I would have to reject. Nakia obviously wasn't too pleased with the offer.

"I can't," I lied, "I have work to do at the studio." Josie pouted and stomped her feet.

"Daddy!" she whined, "Please?" Her big eyes glazed over and my heart strings were pulled. I couldn't deal with this. I couldn't keep lying.

"Ask your mother." Nakia shot me a stern look as I smiled up at her innocently. Josie did the same, her eyes begging for a yes.

"I don't see why not." Kia finally relented. Josie jumped for joy and I smiled brightly.

"Can you sleep over?" Josie asked. Now she was pushing her luck.

"Not tonight," I said evasively, "I gotta get into the studio right after dinner, so rain check?" She nodded and took my hand before grabbing her mother's. We made our way out the door and swung Josie between us as we got to the car. The ride down to JC's house consisted of a convo between us and Josie. We never spoke to each other directly, no matter how hard I tried to get it to happen. When we finally pulled up to JC's gates, Josie informed me that Josh had flown out of town for the night and that's why she asked me to stay over.

I couldn't tell you how excited I was to hear that. The last thing I needed was for Nakia to avoid me by hiding behind him. We'd have to have a conversation eventually. So what if it wasn't before dinner. So what if she didn't look at me while we ate our meal. So what if I stayed until nine o'clock at night and I still got nothing. The point is, I got the conversation started eventually.

"So, are you going to not speak to me all night?" I asked as I picked up the dishes on the table and placed them in the sink.

"No, just until you leave," Nakia answered, "Which can be now. I can handle the dishes." She grabbed the plate from my hand and placed it on the counter before turning away from me and heading out to the living room. I followed her and began to gather up Josie's toys.

"I'm gonna help you clean up," I said, "It's the least I could do." She looked over at me.

"Is this your way of trying to get me back?" I shrugged and smiled sheepishly.

"Is it working?" She narrowed her eyes at me before rolling them.

"No." I shrugged and placed the toys into a box.

"Then it isn't a way for me to get you back." Kia sighed and yawned tiredly.

"Justin, I don't want to deal with you right now." she said, "Just go home and save me an argument."

"Who said I wanted to argue?" I asked, "I'm just trying to get my wife to talk to me."

"So now you wanna talk?" she snapped as I stopped my movements. Nakia shook her head and walked back into the kitchen to wash her hands. Again, I followed.

"I wanted to talk since everything happened," I told her, "I want to make this work." She dried her hands on a small towel.

"I don't think this will work, Justin," she confessed, "I can't get this image of you and some other woman out of my head." I sighed and rubbed my hands over my face.

"I never slept with her." Nakia huffed and rolled her eyes.

"Really?" she questioned, "What did you do then? Talk and hold hands?" I shrugged and looked her straight in the eyes.

"Basically." The look of surprise ran over her face before she looked away from me.

"Did you kiss her?" I nodded and sighed.

"Yes." I could hear a disappointed sigh escape her lips and I put my head down in shame. Sure, I kissed her. Yes, it was tongue kissing. Occasionally, anyway. But I never slept with her. That was a line I couldn't bring myself to cross. By the time my mouth was on hers, my guilt was on the rise. By the time I pulled away, I was completely disgusted with myself.

"So, you guys were . . . connected?" she asked timidly, trying her best to hold back tears.

"We were going through the same thing. Our marriages weren't in the best place and we found comfort in each other." She nodded before clearing her throat.

"Did you. . ." She looked down at her hands as I waited for her to continued, "Did you love her?" I shook my head vigorously.

"No! My God, no." I assured, "I only love you, Kia."

"Justin . . . " she began before I interrupted.

"Look, Kia, I know that you probably hate me right now. The Lord knows you have every right to be. But I want you to know that I have done everything in my power to become a better man for you. I quit all that weed shit I was doing. I haven't gone clubbing at all. I haven't tasted a drop of liquor for months now. I learned how to cook. Well, sorta. I can attempt to cook without burning down the house . . . " She laughed and it seemed to end the tension of the room.


I won't get high if you want it
Get that straight
9 to 5 if you want it
Keep my ass home at night if you want it
Whatever you need me to do


"You are ridiculous." she said. I shrugged.

"I'm just desperately in love with you and want you back," I paused, "I need you back." Her smile slowly faded as she cast her eyes down on the floor.


When you talk I'ma listen
Give you all that attention you missing
Girl I swear I'ma handle my business
Just like a real man should do


"I love you, Jay." she breathed, causing my heart to leap, "But I don't trust you anymore." And there goes my happy bubble.

"But . . . " I stumbled over my words, "I'm not exactly what you deserve yet, but I'm definitely trying to be. I'll get there, I promise."


I can change
I can change (you know I can change baby)
I can change
For you (you know I can stop baby)
I can change (you know I change baby)
I can change
I can change
For you (you know I can stop baby)


"You are such a good man, Justin. That's why I just can't get over this. I don't know how you could even be capable of hurting me this way." I could practically feel myself sinking into the ground. I was lower than low. She did nothing to deserve this.

"Why don't you come home, see how much I changed? I'll be good for you." I pleaded as I silently cursed myself for stealing a line for that Godforsaken song.


I'll give up all the places I used to go
Stay out the club
Stay home because I'm with you
I'll give up all those girls that I used to know
They don't compare
Baby I swear it's the truth (you know it's the truth baby)


"I never asked you to change," Kia explained, "There was nothing wrong with you in the first place."

"Then why not come home?" I questioned as she shrugged and twirled her fingers.


So I'm through with the women
Yeah that's right
I give up on the pimpin'
Girl I'm gonna repent from my sinnin'
If that's what you want me to do


"What happened to Jessica?" she asked suddenly. I shook my head and rolled my eyes.

"I don't even know," I answered, "Ever since I called things off with her, I never spoke to her again."

"Does that mean she's not gonna come knockin' on our door, begging for you to take her back?" I walked up to her, sighing when she backed away.

"She can knock all she wants, but I'm not gonna let her in."


I'll get right if you want it
Go to church
Get baptized if you want it
Girl you opened my eyes and I'm gonna
Be much better for you


Nakia wiped her eyes as tears rolled down her cheeks. She stood silent for a moment, never once meeting my gaze. I stood there patiently, waiting for her to speak.

"I can't," she said, causing me bite my bottom lip, "I'm sorry, but I just can't."


Gotta believe me (you gotta believe me baby)
Gotta believe me (mmm yeah)
I telling the truth


"What do you want from me?" I asked, suddenly. She looked up at me and shook her head.

"Nothing, Justin. Nothing." I wasn't having that.

"No, you tell me what I have to do to make you happy again. Tell me what you want." She turned her back to me and sniffled.

"I don't want anything." she whispered.

"Come on, there's gotta be something." I continued, "What? Do you want to scream at me? Curse me out?"

"Of course not . . . "

"No, I think you do." I argued, "I remember you throwing a phone at me." She sighed and her cheeks reddened.

"I'm sorry about that." she apologized.

"No, don't be sorry. You had every right," I assured, "So is that what you want to do?" She looked at me like I was crazy.

"Do what?"

"Hit me." I said. She raised a brow and shook her head.

"No."

"Go ahead," I encouraged, "Hit me. Throw something." I picked up a paperweight that was laying on the table and placed it in her hand.

"What is this?" she asked worriedly.

"Throw it at me," I demanded, "Hit me right between the eyes." Nakia looked absolutely petrified.

"Are you crazy?" she asked, rhetorically, "I'm not throwing this or anything at your head!" I rolled my eyes and took it from her. I grabbed her hands and balled them up.

"Punch me," I said, "Let it all out." Her eyes filled up with tears and she dropped her fists.

"I don't want to." she whined. I balled her hands up again and positioned myself down to her level.

"Hit me." I demanded.

"No."

"Hit. Me."

"No, Justin!" Nakia yelled, "You're being irrational."

"Does that make you want to hit me?" I asked.

"No, you moron." I smiled.

"Name calling means you're angry. So, hit me." She shook her head again and I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not gonna do it." she cried, "I don't want to hurt you." I decided that the only thing to do was piss her off.

"Stop acting like a bitch and hit me." I growled. My curse word and tone caused her to look at me angrily.

"Did you just call me a bitch?" I shook my head and laughed in a condescending manner.

"Of course not," I told her, "I said you were acting like one." She rolled her eyes.

"I know what you're trying to do. It's not gonna work." I, being the stubborn prick that I am, laughed in her face.

"You're weak. You know that?" I accused, "You can't even hit somebody who screwed you over completely."

"I'm not listening to this." she said as she turned to walk away.

"Look at you. You can't even face confrontation." I taunted, "Jessica could." She walked back up to me, an inch away from my face.

"Shut up."

"Or what?" I challenged, "You'll cry?" She took a defensive step back and I prepared myself for a hit.

"You are such an ass." My eyes widened, shocked that those words left her mouth. She gasped and covered her mouth.

"Whoa," I said, "Goodie goodie used a bad word." She shoved me and bit her lip.

"You see what you did?" I shrugged and smiled.

"Yeah, I loosened that tight ass of yours," I chuckled, "In more ways than one." You know how you think you're ready for something, but as soon as it hits you, you're completely caught off guard? Yeah, I had one of those moments when I felt Nakia's fist connect with my jaw. I was expecting a dramatic smack, but she apparently had different plans.

"Oh my goodness!" Nakia said as she shook her hand in pain. I grabbed my face and groaned before I realized there was blood dripping from my mouth.

"Jesus Christ!" I mumbled, "Did you morph into Mike Tyson for a minute?" She ignored my comment and ran over to the fridge. She grabbed some ice and packed it as I rinsed my mouth out at the sink. I felt the coldness of the ice as Nakia placed it on my face.

"You idiot!" she shouted, "I told you to shut up." I laughed and moaned when a pain shot through my mouth.

"Do you feel better now?" Nakia smiled sheepishly and shrugged.

"I guess," I smiled but quickly regretted that, "You are so horrible."

"Says the one who got a kick out of punching her husband." We both laughed before Nakia placed her hand on my other cheek, turning me to face her.

"I want to try to work this out," she confessed, "But it's not gonna be all forgive and forget." I nodded understandingly before leaning in and kissing her. It was sheer bliss to have my lips grace hers after so much time.

"I promise this won't be in vain." And it wasn't. Of course, it wasn't easy. The tabloids had a field day when the printed out photos of us leaving our therapist. It was routine couple's therapy, but of course it was because we couldn't conceive and Josie wasn't my baby. Assholes. But anyway, we obviously had some rough times. Sometimes Nakia gets self-conscious when I'm around other women, but we are too in love. We've got our problems like everyone else, but we always make it work.

"So is she gonna be okay?" Trace asked as we sat outside of the intensive care unit of the hospital. The bench we were sitting on wasn't comfortable but it was a lot easier to deal with than watching Nakia's body disappear beneath all the IV's and machinery around her. They got there on time. The doctors and nurses got her heart going, but she's still in critical condition. She's even under observation. Things had taken a turn for the worse, but she was still here.

"They don't know," I answered, "They said that her heart's breaking down because of the cancer." Trace nodded and looked away. That's the one thing I love about Trace. He never says anything he's not sure of. He never says that things will work out fine. He never says he understands. He just listens and accepts.

"She's a trooper though," Trace smirked as he turned to face me, "I admire her strength." I smiled and nodded.

"I do too," I said, "Hopefully she'll stay strong for a while longer."