Ordinary People

"So this is my fault?" I asked loudly as I tried to calm Josie as she wailed.

"You were suppose to watch her, Justin!" Nakia shouted, "I leave with her for five minutes and all heck breaks loose!" I rolled my eyes and focused on my daughter.

"Does it hurt here?" I asked as poked a spot on the side of her knee. That only cause her to scream in pain.

"Stop poking her!" Nakia demanded, "She's hurting, don't you see that?"

"Of course I see it!" I snapped, "You would've seen it if you were outside like you were suppose to be."

"You were two feet away from her," she argued, "This is your fault!"

"You know what?" I sighed, "It was nobody's fault. Kids fall, shit happens." Shit like Josie's biking incident. It seems that she thought she could make a turn in a small walkway. She failed. In fact, she ended up running into a wall and falling into a water less outdoor hot tub we have. She scrapped up her knee, but nothing life threatening. Although, you probably couldn't tell that by the way we're bickering.


Girl I'm in love with you
But this ain't the honeymoon
We're pass the infatuation phase


I walked over to the first aid kit that was now lying on the kitchen table. I opened it up and grabbed some band-aids and an alcohol patch. As I made my way over to Josie, I was made sure I had a small smile on face, trying to assure her that things were okay.

"No!" Josie protested, "It burns!" I didn't even touch her with the alcohol and she was already fighting me. She was just like her mother. Stubborn and dramatic.

"It'll make sure the bad germs go away," I said, "You don't want nasty germs floating around that beautiful little knee of yours, do ya?" Nakia smiled softly at Josie. I watched as they silently communicated in a way that only two females could and I was almost tempted to roll my eyes. But it was cute. They would be close to each other when Josie got older. I could already tell. She was a mama's girl.

"Okay, daddy." Josie said. I smiled, grateful that I wouldn't have to strap her down to clean her cut. She hissed when I rubbed her knee down. I blew on it, trying to cool it off. She seemed satisfied with this. I placed the bandages on there and kissed it when I was done.

"See? That wasn't so bad." I cooed as I picked her up off the counter and placed her on the floor. She examined her bandage before looking up at me smiling.

"Thank you!" I smiled as she nuzzled her face into my knee. She giggled and ran back outside. I had no doubt in my mind that she was going to get on her killer bike again.

I'll never understand that about children. They never seem to learn.


Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday


It's been about two months since Nakia decided that she wanted to work things out. I'd be lying if I said everything fell into place and we were living happily ever after. All hell broke loose and everything we disagreed about turned into a never-ending war of words. Like Josie's fall. We were both outside, grilling and talking as she rode her bike. All the 'Nsync guys and girlfriends came over, my mom, Lisa, and both my dads along with my brothers were there too. It was a normal cookout until everybody headed inside to watch a movie. I was gathering up the food and that's when I heard her scream.

I probably should've been looking out for her, but I could've sworn she went inside with her mom. So it's not my fault. It's nobody's fault. But of course Nakia and I find some way to blame the other. This time, our argument didn't spiral into a whirlwind of tears and curse words, instead, it fell into place. Which is a pleasant surprise.

But it didn't stay that way.


I know I misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow


It was two in the morning when I came creeping into my mansion, trying my best not to step on anything to alert Nakia of my presence. The house was dark and the only light on was coming from Josie's room. It was a glowing cross her mother got her because she was afraid of the dark, so that didn't bother me. I continued to walk through the hall, making my way down to my bedroom. The door was open, a glimmer of hope for me. When it's shut, it's a sure sign that I'm sleeping on the couch.

Anyway, I curse myself as I step on the sneaker Nakia asked me to move earlier. I bit my lip to hold back my whimper of pain as I continue to creep toward the bathroom. Before I walk in there, I glance back at our bed. Seeing Nakia asleep, I continue to walk inside until I heard her voice.

"Nice of you to finally come home." I close my eyes and sigh. She definitely wasn't happy. But she didn't sound angry, just disappointed.

"I'm sorry, babe. I got caught up at the studio." I explain as I turn to face her. She sits up and clicks on the lamp, staring at me with tired eyes.

"If you just got caught up at the studio, why sneak in?" she questioned. I shrugged and smirked.

"I don't know, I just didn't want to wake you, I guess." She rolled her eyes and laid back down, turning her back to me.

"Whatever, Justin." I breathed as I realized she didn't believe me. Something that was becoming quite common lately.


And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow


I know that I fucked up. How many times do I have to say that? But I'm not going to do that again. Not now. Not ever. I just wish Nakia would believe me.

"I swear to you that I was at the studio." I said softly. She didn't respond. "You can call Pharrell if you want. He was right there with me. And Chad too."

"I don't want to call Pharrell or Chad," she told me, "I believe you, okay?" Heck no, it wasn't okay.

"Then why are you so mad?" I pried as I sat on the edge of the bed. She scooted over, leaving a gap between me and her.

"I'm not mad." she argued as I rolled my eyes.

"Is that why you moved two feet away from me?" She sat up again and placed her back against our headboard. We sat there in silence for a few moments before she looked up at our ceiling.

"I really do want to believe," Nakia fiddled with her fingers as she spoke, "But I can't. I just keep remembering every other time you told me you were working late and you were really . . . "

"Kia," I interrupted with a frustrated groan, "That was like a year ago."

"Ten months, two weeks, and five days," My eyes widened in shock at her precision, "But who's counting?"

"I can probably name one person," I pouted, "The point is, that happened a while ago and it's not gonna happen again."

"You promised it wouldn't happen at all when we first got together," Nakia pointed out, "We both see how that turned out."

"I thought you forgave me," I whined, "I thought you wanted to work this out."

"I do!" Nakia said, raising her voice, "If I didn't want this to work out, I wouldn't be here right now. And I never said I forgave you."

"Are you ever going to?" I said angrily, bringing my voice level up to match her own.

"Don't try to turn this around on me, Justin," she growled, "You shouldn't have cheated!"

"Don't you think I know that?" I asked, "Every single time I look in the mirror, I see a cheating bastard who doesn't deserve you. I know that everything's my fault, Nakia. I blame myself for everything we've ever gone through. I just need you to forgive so that I can maybe forgive myself one day."

"Why are you making this about you?" she asked suddenly, "How dare you make up that whole sap story so that I could feel bad for you."

"It's not some made up story, Kia. It's how I feel." I explained, "I wish you'd start believing me."


We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go


"How can you expect me to believe someone who lied to me for months?" she questioned, "Lied to his daughter and said he was too busy with work to spend time with her when he was really out with some other woman." Disgust was written all over her face as she spat her words at me. I realized that she hated me. Well, that side of me.

"Kia, please . . . " I began before being interrupted.

"Don't Kia me," she said as she pushed me off the bed. I caught myself long enough to stand. She stood also and I backed up even more, not wanting her to punch like she did before.


Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow


"This is too much . . . " I sighed. Kia looked at me curiously, finally calming down enough to hear a word I say.

"What?" she questioned as she placed her hands on her hips.

"Us, these arguments we're having." I explained, "Maybe this is too soon for you." She raised a brow, confused by my words.

"What are you trying to say, Justin?" I didn't know what I was trying to say. All I knew was that everything seemed to be suffocating, that I couldn't watch her hate me more and more each day. That I couldn't stand hearing her cry at night as I pretended to be asleep.


This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday


"What I'm trying to say is . . . " I paused, carefully choosing my words, "Maybe we need a little time apart." She took a breath as she digested my words. I watched as she plopped down on the edge of the bed. Her baby face filled with sadness and confusion as she brought her eyes up to meet mine.

"Maybe you're right." Wow. It's sad to say that that's probably the first agreement we've had in months.


Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way


So, we took a break. She moved in with Elisha for two weeks. Even though she was gone, we still talked. She'd call and ask how I was doing. I'd tell her I was fine. Then she'd get angry and asked how I could be doing so well without her. Then I'd admit that I missed her like crazy, but by that time, she doesn't want to hear it. So we'd argue over the phone. As ridiculous as it may sound, it was therapy. It was a lot easier to say things over the phone than face to face, so it got a lot of things off of our chest.

But it did make us break up like sixty times in that short period of time. She'd say she hates me and that she never wants to see me again. I'd tell her that if she loves me she'd forgive and tell her that I give up. But in the end, we'd apologize and move on.


I hang up, you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away


I came to realize that I would rather argue with her every night and wake up only to fight again, then to not wake up next to her at all. She was a part of me. Our marriage wove us together and I refused to let that unravel. I refused to let her go.

This was going to work even if it killed me.


As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I still want you to stay


Sure, with all the hostility still floating around us when she moved back, statistics would've told us to save ourselves the trouble and get a divorce. But I wasn't having that. I couldn't put my daughter through the whole divorcing process. I've been in her situation. I knew what it felt like to watch your parents fight and rip each other apart emotionally until one of them couldn't take it anymore. She didn't deserve that.


We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow


So, Nakia and I decided to sit down and talk. About everything. About my affair. About the issues we were too afraid to address. We made ourselves vulnerable to each other. We didn't leave anything out.

"Justin, when I got that call from Jessica, I felt like everything was closing in on me," Nakia explained, "I felt like. . . like I couldn't breathe. All this hurt and betrayal came over me and for a moment, I did hate you. When you walked in our bedroom door, I wanted to kill you." I laughed lightly as she chuckled.

"Yeah, I know," I smiled, "You chucked a phone at my head."

"No, Justin. You don't know," Kia countered, "I wanted to kill you. Like a slow and torturous death, man." I nodded, somewhat afraid.

"I wanted to kill all those other chicks who cheated on me." I said, "Hell, I told one of them to cry me a river."

"Those don't even compare to what you did to me, Justin," Nakia told me, "I gave up my fiancé for you." I nodded and took her hand.

"I know." I said softly.

"I waited for twenty-three years to find the right man that I wanted to give my whole self to. Emotionally, spiritually and physically. All the things I was most afraid of giving away."

"I'm sorry," I apologized, not really knowing what to say.

"Justin, knowing that you cheated, after I gave you my all, was like you literally standing in my face, telling me that I was never good enough for you." Nakia continued after she paused, "It's not so much the cheating, Justin. It's how you cheated." I raised a brow up in confusion as she ended her sentence.

"What do you mean?" I asked as she pulled her hand from mine and crossed her arms over her chest, leaning back on the chair in the process.

"Sometimes, I wish you would've just slept with her," My eyes widened in shock.

"What?" I asked, surprised.

"Justin, knowing that you were emotionally connected to this girl. . ."

"No, their were no emotions. . ."

"You said she was a comfort," she argued, "That's an emotion."

"She just. . .understood me." I quieted down as I realized what she was talking about.

"Exactly. She understood you. I didn't," She sighed and rubbed her face, "It hurt to know that I pushed you to the point where you couldn't find comfort in me. That you couldn't share something with me, but with somebody else."

"Kia. . ."

"Justin. . ." she mimicked, "It just felt like I lost my best friend that day. And it was all my fault." My heart crumbled as she spoke and I hated myself and everything I've done to her. She was the love of my life, yet I still manage to be a dick and screw things over.

"Nakia," I called softly as she looked up to face me, "You are one out of a few people in my life I can confide in. You are my best friend and I'd do anything for you. I'd die for you if it ever came to it. Jessica. . . she was nothing. A mistake. A huge, huge mistake. I know that no matter what I say, no matter how many things I buy, you'll never really let go of this. I don't blame you either. I admire you for putting up with me. I'm incredibly grateful to still have you with me."

"I'm sorry for scaring you." Nakia croaked as she tiredly rolled her head over to face me. I took her tiny hand in mine, careful not to touch the IV needles in her hand.

"It's okay, babe," I whisper as I kiss her cheek tenderly, "You're here with me now." She took in a deep breath. Her eyes closed and she gave my hand a squeeze.

"I don't know how much longer I can fight this," she confessed as I found myself crying again, "I love you, Jay." I sniffled and wiped my eyes.

"I love you too."