Kate huffs loudly before glaring at the overstuffed suitcase in front of her. The clips sit mere inches from their latches, taunting her with being so close and yet unable to make those last inches. For the first time since Justin stormed out of her house she wishes he were here. If for nothing else than to offer a little more muscle to finish the job.
Even more than that she needs his calming words telling her that she’s making too big of a deal about this. That as soon as she gets there everything will fall into place and that no one will think that casting her was the biggest mistake the director could make. But that would require his support on even a subconscious level and there’s no way he could ever do that.
She reaches for the abandoned glass of wine balanced on her dresser and takes a long sip. The forgien silence in the house surrounds her. It had been so long since she had time alone much less a house to herself. The first few days were fantastic, novel really. But faster that she would have liked the silence began to speak to her.
Says things about her being a failure as a mother and pushing away the one man who may have wanted to stick with her. When she manages to push that from her mind it whispered even more obscure things like it was her fault that Mae didn’t have a job and that is Jonah’s first word was four letters she would be to blame.
It’s not like she hadn’t made an effort. She had seen Jonah every day since he moved in with Justin. A small smile plays on Kate’s lips as she replays the thought. A mental image of Jonah as a mover crosses her mind. But while she had seen her son every day she had yet to see Justin.
When she called he answered, but when she showed up his mom, or Trace or even Rachel supervised the visit. There were times she was sure he was there just waiting for her to leave before poling his head out from behind the couch. But this was her decision and she wasn’t going to force him to do anything.
Despite it all she was grateful to Justin. He had taken Jonah without a second thought and that whether or not he would like to admit it, was a small sign of support. Kate wouldn’t have gone if Justin had refused to take him.
Kate backs up a few steps and takes in the suitcase from all angles. She’s like to be able to say that the non closure of the bag has nothing to do with her reservations about the movie, but the connection is seared in her mind before she can stop it. She climbs on the bed and rests her weight on top of the suitcase and wiggles around a little before hearing the satisfying click.
She holds her hands in the air victoriously but without anyone to share the moment with its short lived. She leaves tomorrow. Her stomach becomes unsettled just with the thought. A low hum fills the room as her air conditioning rumbles to life.
The new air is laced with a small remnant of baby powder and instant Kate has left the bed and is head down the stairs. She grabs the keys from her table and climbs into her car without thought to any open doors or lights left on.
Her eyes rest on her cell phone briefly and she almost reaches out to grab it, but then pushes the thought from her mind. She needs to see them both before she leaves. Even if all he has to say are pointed words, she’ll take them.
The drive goes faster than she would like mostly because she’s dreading the final destination just a little. Her small car jars and shakes as she turns into his driveway. Everything about his home begs for a male presence from his rough curbs to the un apologetic gash in the garage paint from an unfortunate first try on his bullet bike.
Before the care even has time to settle she bursts from its interior and is headed to the front door on a mission. She pushes the heavy door open and follows the sound of voices to the back deck. She pauses for a moment on the other side of the sliding glass and watches the scene in front of her.
Jonah is resting in a small portable crib reaching and hitting Justin’s mother’s arm which is dangling inside seemingly for that exact purpose. Justin leans back precariously in a wooden chair on the other side of the crib obviously involved in the story he is retelling. Every so often the chair teeters as his arm movements threaten his balance. Trace completes the picture sprawled out in an outdoor couch one arm holding up his head, the other resting on his chest which shakes with his laughter.
This is why Kate knew that leaving was the right choice. Because all she had to offer Jonah with her was her. And even being his mother didn’t seem like enough. Here, with Justin, he has a family as mismatched and odd as it looks.
She reaches for the handle and as soon as the door begins to slide on its frame the noise on the porch stops. Necks crane to see who would be bold enough to interrupt. There are few people who would be tolerated and she’s not sure she makes that list.
When eyes meet hers, Trace is the only one who even attempts to be pleasant.
“Kate! We didn’t know you were going to stop by,” he says. Kate takes a deep breath and before she can gather her wits enough to meet Justin’s eyes he’s torn them away. Lyn doesn’t offer much more, but Kate doesn’t blame her. She’s eternally on Justin’s side, as she should be.
“Yeah, I just wanted to say goodbye.” She lets the words stretch out hoping the finality won’t be lost. Trace stands from his seat and stretches groaning as his muscle complain against the movement.
“Well shit. That came up faster than I thought it would,” he replies. He crosses the porch and gathers her in his arms. She wishes everyone on the porch would follow suit. Cause she is really lacking in the hug department.
“Take care of yourself and don’t get all swept away in some kind of Latin love affair,” Trace warns. Kate hadn’t thought a smile was possible with all this tension, but Trace always delivers.
“I’ll do what I can,” she offers. He pulls back and smiles at her before leaving the porch. Lyn stands next and stops briefly to rests her hand on Kate’s arm. The simple gesture is more than enough and the spot tingles long after Lyn has left.
Kate takes a deep breath and moves slowly from her spot to loom over the crib. She smiles down at her baby. He gazes up at her his head cocked to one side. One hand is holding his foot in his mouth and the other is reaching up to her. She doesn’t hesitate to life him up and out and cradle him against her chest.
He struggles against the restriction and she’s forced to return him to his crib. He immediately pulls himself to a sitting position and begins to make good use of the toys that surround him. Kate sinks in the chair that Lynn had previously occupied and turns to face Justin.
He’s leaned forward his elbows in his knees and his head in his hands. She knows that it’s taking a lot for him to simply stay where he is and she is grateful for the effort.
“He’s bigger.” She offers the comment as a peace offering or sorts. An opportunity to avoid what they should be talking about.
“Yeah well he’s a baby.” His staunch reply gives to room to continue along the safest path of words. Kate takes another deep breath and reaches into the crib to move a plush car closer to Jonah’s reach.
“Don’t do that. He’s learning to crawl so we put things a little further away so he’ll try,” Justin states. Kate pulls her hand away from the toy like it was on fire. A sting goes a long with the realization that she isn’t included in his ‘we’.
“I didn’t know,” Kate answers. Justin straightens for a moment only to slouch back down. His eyes leave the wooden deck and settle on Jonah. A small wistful smile covers his face and he leans forward resting his arms and weight on the edge of the crib. He makes a small clicking noise and Jonah cranes his head back to offer his father a one toothed grin.
“So you leave tomorrow huh?”
“Yeah. I’m on some kind of commuter flight with some of the other actors. Some kind of attempt to help us bond before the shooting starts,” Kate answers readily.
“You say that like you’re not excited,” Justin observes. His eyes remain on their son, but Kate feels a small sense of calm rush over her with his words. This is more than she had hoped for.
“I am. I mean it’s an amazing opportunity. I’m just nervous,” she admits. Justin’s head bobs shaking the crib a little which launches Jonah into a fit of giggles.
“Well hell. I think that’s the best I can do for now Kate. That’s all I can say without saying something really shitty,” he breathes. She nods at his words. At least he’s being honest.
“I understand. And I’m sorry for dropping in like this. I know you probably don’t give a care that I am leaving, but I wanted to say goodbye.” Justin raises his eyes to meet hers and she immediately recognizes the familiar bags under them. She feels smug for a moment knowing he finally has a small taste of what she went through for months.
Just as quickly it’s gone.
“Well good luck and all that shit,” Justin offers.
“Thanks.”
He stands and Jonah reaches his hands up to his father. Instead all he gets is a ruffle of his hair.
“I’ll let you have some time with Jonah. Just yell before you leave. It’s almost time for his nap,” Justin instructs. He shuffles off the porch without another word and Kate stares at the empty space he just vacated for awhile.
Jonah begins to fuss when he realizes that not only was he not picked up but the only person left isn’t paying attention to him. Kate sighs before reaching back into pull him out. This time she doesn’t try to cradle him like she did when he was younger, she lets him sit on her lap and that small action makes her eyes well up.
This is what she’s giving up. Seeing the transition from infant to little boy. She knew that two months was a long time when it came to a baby, it just didn’t hit her until now how long it could really be.
Laughter floats in from the still open glass door and Kate furrows her brows knowing that it would stop if she joined. She pulls Jonah back close to her body. He lets her keep her firm grip for a few moments before he squirms.
This was supposed to be the easy decision. The obvious right choice. But suddenly it feels less like she’s starting a new chapter in her life and more like she’s just written herself out of the main storyline.
Author's Chapter Notes:
clearly i abondoned a social life for the night to write lol i hope you all like this one! thanks so much for all the feedback :)
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