She stares up at the door in front of her frozen by insecurity. It is a familiar sight, a solid wood stained darker to give it a warmer, firmer look and yet in this moment it seems as if she is looking at it for the first time.
It was probably due to the voices that the door was failing to mask inside. The deep rumbles of laughter that belong to someone that at one point she thought she might be able to love. But the piece that really kept her rooted in her place is the final two voices. Barely murmurs through the thick wood, but unrecognizable at best.
The first being a constant drum of babbling that she can only imagine is her son. A tiny person who in her more recent memories had hardly begun to gurgle, now had a voice as it were. And the melodic twang of a voice that she recognizes to be Mae’s, but had changed in tone since she had left.
She fights the urge to let the voices drive her back towards the driveway were the cab she took from the airport has long since left. It was a losing battle that she is almost too tired to even consider waging.
She had decided not to come back for the break, rather stay in Mexico and in character to try to find a little relaxation that had eluded her since the beginning of filming. But when she had called to break the news to what she was sure would have been a less than caring Justin, she had instead been led to a new voice recording. The words still hang in her mind.
‘You’ve reached the Timberlake residence home to the Timberlake men and other people who aren’t worth mentioning.’
His tone was light and Mae’s protests could be heard throughout. And it was that message that prompted her to buy a ticket. The simple action giving her an energy she thought had been sucked out of her by day after day of repetition and false emotion.
Things had slowly been getting better on set. One of her younger costars having finally warmed to her one night when she admitted that she had always had a crush on Justin. Although Kate is only five years older then her she felt that distance between then widen as they grew closer and her new friend talked mostly of sneaking into night clubs and the difference between Latin and American men.
Kate had nodded her agreement not knowing the right words and even more not wanting to do anything to endanger the delicate thing that is a new friendship. Eventually this first friendship gave her entrance into a club that she had been staring wistfully into since arriving. She finally felt like one of them. And yet it made her feel no more wanted here.
A deep breath shakes her body as she finally releases the vice like grip she has on her bags letting them fall unglamorously to the ground.
“Kate?” The voice brakes her staring contest with the doorbell and she turns to face the one person she was sure would be happy to see her. She takes a small amount of courage from his smile and open arms.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Trace asks into her hair. She doesn’t answer immediately burying her face in his shirt.
Finally he pulls her away so he can look in her eyes.
“I thought you had another month of filming. Did something go wrong?” he presses. Kate shakes her head and breathes in a little fleeting confidence.
“We got a break and I thought it was time for me to come home for a bit,” she offers. Trace nods his head in silent agreement and drapes an arm around her shoulder pulling her to him and guiding her to the door in one fluid movement. Her bags are left to fend for themselves and she hopes that they will fare better then their owner.
Trace pushes aside the door like it wasn’t the physical and mental barrier that had kept her outside for the better part of an hour. She’s not sure if she’s making it up, but the whole house feels different.
For so long Justin had prided himself on the fact that despite the feminine touches made by his mother, his home remained a sanctuary for the bachelor. But as Kate is pulled through the winding hallways she can feel a softness that didn’t exist there before. It could be the various baby objects littered throughout or it could be something else.
“I am disappointed. I thought you would at least come back with a kick ass tan girl,” Trace teases as the voices grow gradually clearer. She allows herself a small chuckle, but it does nothing to lessen her anxiety.
“That’s what happens when you spend most days on a set rather than in the sun, but we have night shoots coming up so I’ll see what I can do,” she replies. She can feel her body bob along with the motion of his head.
As they round the final corner that serves as the barrier between her and the scene she has created in her mind she can’t help but tense. There’s a sense of urgency to get the moment over with and a sense of curiosity that matches it.
“Look who I found!” The words fill the room robbing the previous conversation of its importance. Kate’s eyes fixate on the group on the floor. The large screen that she has only seen display sports and action movies is consumed by a cartoon and the plush couches remain empty.
They lay facing each other on the floor Jonah between them. Kate guesses that before she entered they both had smiles on their faces because their bodies speak of an ease and fondness that she craves.
Almost as quickly as she reads it the comfort leaves Justin as he forces himself up from the ground. Mae remains on the floor, her attention mostly on Jonah, but allowing herself quick fleeting glances at the other people in the room.
Kate swallows fiercely trying to bury the growing contempt and jealousy she can feel mounting.
“What are you doing here?” Justin asks calmly. She almost wants a little anger, something more intense that she can feed off of and eventually turn back on him. Trace releases her shoulders and moves around her to lean against the back of the couch. At least he doesn’t leave.
“We got a short break and I wanted to see Jonah,” she answers simply. She can see a familiar blaze in Justin’s eyes as he raises an eye brow. She knows what comes next. Some biting remark about her being an absent mother and an argument that you can’t be a parent only when it’s convenient.
She braces herself for the words she knows he has waiting, but they never come. Instead his eyes slide closed and he forces himself to take a few deep breaths. Kate feels robbed of the confrontation and the familiarity.
When he opens his eyes he glances over at Mae who offers him a smile before he looks back to Kate.
“I’m going to head up to my room. I’d prefer if you didn’t take him home, but you’re welcome to stay here,” he states. The words are welcoming but the tone is forced and cold. She nods as he leaves the room.
Trace clears his throat bringing Kate back from her fog. She smiles weakly at him as he pushes himself off the couch.
“I was just dropping by to borrow a movie. Kelly wants a chick flick and you know Justin has that secret stash,” he informs her. Another nod. Her eyes fixate on a small discoloration on the wall across from her and she hears Trace shuffle through movies and Mae’s singing voice breaking in only to be scolded by Trace, but it all seems far away.
Trace presses his hand into her shoulder as he leaves and the touch jolts her back to reality. She smiles at him and then opens her eyes wide trying to shake herself from her state.
“So how is the food down there?” Mae asks. Kate had almost forgotten she was in the room. Her legs take her almost thoughtlessly to the other side of the couch. She sinks into the leather before she can even register that she has moved. Mae has pulled herself to a sitting position, Jonah nestled between her crossed legs. He has taken to the tear in her jeans with fascination, plucking at the loose strings and trying to shove his entire hand in the hole.
Kate takes Mae in and wonders how two people who are so different could end up in the same space. Granted she had been the one to bring them back together, but in relative terms it seemed unlikely.
For a moment Mae transforms before her eyes into the girl Kate remembers from prep school. Her blonde hair was messier then, constantly forced into a pony tail of some kind and glasses that seemed too large for her face had hidden her from any real examination. She had been a face in the crowd then. Someone who Kate only really noticed because she was constantly raising her hand in their psychology class.
Kate blinks a few times and Mae retains her current form, a smile still stretched across her face, eagerly awaiting Kate’s answer. She swallows sending moisture to her dry throat.
“I really have only really eaten off the food services table which is sadly the same no matter where you film,” Kate answers. Mae purses her lips.
“Well at least you don’t have to worry about Montezuma’s Revenge,” she quips. Kate chuckles a little in spite of herself. She reaches her hands out to Mae and she obliges, passing Jonah over to his mother.
Jonah resists the change, still clinging to the strings of Mae’s jeans. When he finally lets go and is seated facing his mother he gazes up at her with confusion. Kate looks hard for the recognition or admiration she had once seen in his eyes, but it’s nowhere to be found.
He strains backwards and reaches to Mae, but Mae carefully moves herself out of his reach and gaze. Kate is grateful for the gesture as she tries to control her son’s movements. Jonah only pulls away even more turning until he can see Mae once more and reaching his arms out to her and uttering the one thing that completely breaks Kate’s heart.
“Muh.”
It could be a grunt or just a noise that he knows how to make, but there’s something about the pleading in his small voice as it breaks through. Like it’s the only thing he knows will be understood. Mae immediately covers her mouth with her hand, but doesn’t look shocked at the word.
Justin had said that Jonah was starting to make noises, even let on that he might be starting to talk, but Kate never imagined that this was the result.
She twists Jonah in her arms and leaves the room leaving Mae alone. She tears her way up the stairs gripping Jonah to her chest. He’s heavier than she remembers and it’s a struggle not to drop him as he squirms in her arms. She throws open Justin’s bedroom door and her breaths come out ragged from the journey. His eyes slide lazily over to the pair.
She crosses the room to his bed where he’s reclined and flipping through channels. Jonah finally wins the battle and falls the short distance to the bed before scurrying to his father.
“Da.”
The second word brings tears to her eyes. The bitter sharp kind that make her feel that keeping her eyes open might be the end of her. Justin accepts the baby into the crook of his arm, but watches Kate with interest. The tears run over her cheeks silently, but she makes no move to wipe them away.
“How could you do this to me?” she finally sobs. The shock on Justin’s face can’t be hidden. His entire body pulls back in confusion and she receives a little comfort in that he doesn’t slump in guilt.
This is what her worst fears were. This was the reason she came home, to disprove those every fears and yet she found them to be worse than she imagined.
“Excuse me?” Justin says. He fumbles to mute the television and Kate feels her eyes dry up, no more moisture to draw from.
“You think you can just push me out of my son’s life? Bring someone in to replace me and pretend I never existed?” she demands. The confusion on his face only thickens.
“Push you out? You fucking left without any help from me. That was YOUR decision,” he argues. He glances down at Jonah as his voice raises but the baby is busy with the toy car on the bed.
“Give it a rest Justin, you can’t sit there and act like you’re the innocent party here. You couldn’t wait to get me out of here. Get rid of me so you could bring in a better mother for Jonah,” she sobs. She didn’t know there were any left, but as the words fall from her mouth they are wetted with her tears.
“Are you talking about Mae?” Justin balks. Kate wants to rolls her eyes, but they’re too heavy with tears.
“You know I’m talking about her. Her and the perfect little family you have here without me.” Justin shakes his head in disbelief.
“Listen. If you have some kind of fucking built up guilt about leaving and all that shit, I don’t blame you, but you can’t come in here and start accusing me of trying to make the best of a shitty situation. Besides, you’re the one that brought Mae into this. YOU hired her,” he reminds her. Kate shakes her head violently. He can’t argue his way out of this. It was so clear, so evident.
“I hired her, but you’re the one who’s fucking her.” The words taste dirty as she spits them out. Justin’s eyes widen and he glances at Jonah like maybe the baby understood.
“You really are fucking crazy. I am NOT sleeping with Mae. Where the hell do you get off say all this shit?” he demands. Kate’s heart rate slows a little, but her resolve remains firm. A bitter laugh rises from inside of her and she falls into a sitting position on the bed as it breaks out of her.
“God you are so dense. You don’t even know how into her you are do you?” she asks. Justin keeps his steady gaze on her unsure of what she might do next.
“Wrong again sweet cheeks. There is nothing going on between Mae and me,” he clarifies. Kate rolls her eyes with ease now that they are rid of the tears. She may be wrong about a lot of things, but it’s not hard to see when a man you’ve dated looks at another woman in THAT way. Like she’s made of glass and gold all at the same time.
“And that’s where YOU are wrong. I knew it before I even saw it for myself. I could hear it in the way you said her name, the way you interacted with her. And in some self mutilating way I needed to see it for myself,” she says. All other emotion has flowed out of her and she feels empty and alone once again.
She waits for the protest she knows Justin wants to offer, but his open mouth offers none. She can see his mind reeling and she feels bad for an instant. Just as quickly it passes. She wishes she never came back. That this all could have been speculation and not reality.
“You’re wrong.” The words should be strong and steady, but they are laced with a shakiness that can only be identified as doubt. Kate shakes her head slowly pushing herself up on the bed.
“I should have been ready for this, I mean I worked so hard to push you away. It was only a matter of time until someone else took advantage of that,” she sighs. Justin’s eyes are locked on the bed spread. Kate reaches out to touch him, but pulls back before she makes contact. Even she isn’t ready for that.
“She’s just the nanny,” he stammers.
“Keep telling yourself that. Maybe you’ll believe it. I don’t.” Kate feels her eye lids drop as the day catches up to her. A long flight and then this. To come home only to find that she had been replaced. Suddenly she just wants her baby near.
“Kate, I…..” Justin tries. Kate shakes her head brokenly and pulls the now sleeping baby towards her.
“I’m going to take him to the guest room with me. I’ll have Mae bring in the port-a-crib,” she states. She leaves him still trying to gain mental footing.
With Jonah finally asleep the warmth of his body brings her a little comfort. Under all the pain and remorse she knows that Justin is right. She made this decision. If anyone is to blame it’s her. Even as she tells herself this, she can feel the fire of resentment ebbing. And along with it the resolve to get her place back, no matter what it took.
Author's Chapter Notes:
FINALLY. that's all i have to say about that.
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