She opens her eyes and when they don’t burn or ache to close again she panics. Sitting instantly upright in bed she takes in the room light by sunlight. Before her instincts can push her into a full state of emergency she smells coffee. Mae. After three weeks she’s still not fully used to the help, the rest. And every time this all sinks in she is once again bitter than she let Justin talk her out of it for as long as he did.
Falling back into bed she lets smile play out on her lips and even toys with the thought of going back to sleep simply because she can, but with all the benefits of having Mae, the downside is that she doesn’t spend as much time with Jonah. All the little things that used to be her responsibility have been easily added to Mae’s. She wonders if it’s odd to miss changing dirty diapers. And yet she doesn’t miss any of it enough to rush down the stairs.
She gives in to her urges and lets her eyes slip closed again. There’s a list of things she should be doing rather than sleeping. Running is at the top of the list. She keeps her eyes closed, but her hand runs down and over the still present bulge that is her stomach. The urge to groan is strong, but she bites her lip to prevent it. Her mother hasn’t been shy about telling her that after three months the weight is almost impossible to lose. Even leaving messages about the newest diets that might help her lagging efforts.
Reluctantly Kate pushes herself out of bed and towards her closet. Today is as good a day as any. She pulls her hear on top of her head and stops at the entrance of her closet trying to remember where her work our clothes ended up. It’s been almost a year since she felt any need to try. And then it had been more for Justin’s benefit than her own. Something about being in a relationship makes a person want to be the best version of themselves, even if it just means looking a little better than usual.
This time Justin is the last of her motivations to get back out on the road. In fact, since Mae has starting coming around Justin has been more of a transitionery figure if anything. Staying as little time as possible at the house and only really talking to Kate when it’s necessary so her can pick up or drop off Jonah. She feels guilty for not missing him or wanting him to be around. According to the world at large they are still basking in the glow of their new baby, happier than ever the latest headline read.
It amazes her that they can be outside her gate at almost every moment and yet not see what’s going on just beyond the decorative metal. But thing could be a lot worse. They could know the truth and she would have to spend most of her days fending off the rumors and interview requests. As it is she is disgusted to see the amount of money competing magazines are offering for pictures of Jonah.
It was never their intention to create the interest around him that has arisen. Neither her of Justin thought it was necessary to parade him around LA so they were cautious, like a lot of first parents, but this is what arose from their caution. A mini circus of speculation. And now that four months has past their only option seems to be to pick the lesser of all the evils.
She hums to her self as she heads down the stairs to the kitchen where she knows Mae and Jonah are. She smiles when her guess is right. For a moment she pauses at the doorway and watches as Mae attempt to feed Jonah rice cereal. Which judging by the mess on the front of Mae’s shirt, is not going too well. And yet there is still a smile on her face. Kate hasn’t quite figured out what she thinks about Mae as a person. As a nanny she couldn’t be happier. There doesn’t seem to be s ingle part of taking care of Jonah that Mae hasn’t mastered and loved. But the constant smile throws Kate off a little. Who is happy that often?
“Morning Mae. J-Bear,” Kate says as she makes her presence known. She leans down to press her lips to the top of the baby’s head, but he continues to pound his fists into the spilt cereal on the tray of his high chair.
“Morning,” Mae replies not taking her eyes off the baby. She lifts the spoon once more to his lips and chuckles disheartening when he spits the cereal right back out. Kate makes her way to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of water. She leans over the counter and takes a few long sips delaying the eminent run even longer.
“I wish eating was still this much fun,” Mae states as she takes the bowl from in front of Jonah and retreats to the sink. Kate pauses mid sip. Mae’s never really initiated simple conversation before.
“At some point it starts being more of a chore and then something to be almost dreaded,” Kate offers. Mae sighs and nods slightly, but Kate can tell she doesn’t completely agree and wishes that she had just agreed without elaborating. But there was no stopping it really. Kate’s desperate for a friend. Some one who isn’t just waiting for her baby to become old news so she can return to her old routine. And if that comes in the form of the nanny, she won’t complain.
“A lot of pressure huh?” Mae asks gently. An even more surprising response. Kate looks up and watches as Mae gently cleans up Jonah’s face and hands, but doesn’t take her eyes off of her. Her simple act of listening overwhelms Kate.
“I shouldn’t be complaining. I mean I have an amazing life,” Kate corrects herself. Mae nods as she pulls Jonah from his seat.
“Sometimes its not as ungrateful as it sounds, maybe it’s just more of getting something of your chest?” Mae urges. It’s Kate’s turn to nod. She smiles as Mae nuzzles her nose in Jonah’s neck causing him to emit what will eventually be called a giggle, but now it sounds more like a gurgle.
“It’s a lot different than everyone made it sound,” Kate says. Mae switches Jonah from her hip to her lap as she settles into a kitchen chair.
“Having a baby?” Mae guesses.
“The whole process. Being pregnant, giving birth and then brining him home. It’s all made out to be some easy, simple thing. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this like some women,” Kate sighs. Mae chuckles a little and Kate looks up almost hurt at the reaction.
“I don’t think anyone is really ready for a baby. Especially not their first,” Mae argues. Kate feels a tiny bit of hope pumped through her at the comment.
“Yeah?” Kate presses. Mae smiles and stands. Kate finds herself wishing at times that Mae where Jonah’s mother and she was just the help. That she could go back and do things differently in her life. Plan things so they fell into place neatly and smoothly. Not like her life now.
“For sure. I don’t think I’ve talked to a mother who didn’t think that at some point,” Mae assures her. Kate takes a deep breath and glances towards the door. Her eyes wander back towards Mae who is waiting for her to reply in some way.
“I think I’m going to go for a run. I’ll be back in an hour or so,” she states. A little confusion crosses Mae’s features before she nods.
“I’m just going to give Jonah a bath,” she replies. Kate doesn’t bother replying. Mae knows her son’s schedule and routine better than she does. Hell, she basically created it herself. The days she doesn’t come Kate finds her self struggling to keep up with the things that flow so effortlessly for Mae.
When she steps outside she holds a hand over her eyes shielding herself from the light. It takes a few minutes and too many deep breaths to count to get her moving. A commotion erupts at the gate and she exits and she ignores the demands to bring out Jonah. She doesn’t care that a few of them continue to follow her as she builds up speed.
The effort is strained at first, her breaths becoming ragged so much faster than it sued to, her muscles complained with every step, but the way the pain and determination clear her mind drives her forward.
More than anything this is what she needs. A break. A break from the prison of her own thoughts. The constant debate of whether or not she made the right choice having Jonah. Of whether or not she should have just let Justin marry her just so she could have that extra security and support. Or whether or not she’ll ever be able to regain some semblance of the life she had before this.
The breaking point comes and goes and she feels a cleansing feeling of accomplishment when the pain becomes monotone and she can just run. The scenery becomes a blur and she revels in the nothingness she feels. As her gate comes back into view she slows and rests her hands on here hips, her breath and thought finally catching up to her.
Again the lowlife’s around her gate calls out the same questions and she forces a smile as a few flashes go off in her face. The familiar car in the driveway causes her stomach to clench.
She pushes open the door and is immediately met with Mae’s thankful gaze. She transfers her eyes to where Justin is sitting across from Mae, his eyes boring holes into her head. Jonah leans against his father’s chest oblivious to the obvious tension in the room.
“Nice of you to show up,” Justin states as Kate enters the room fully. She rolls her eyes and reaches for Jonah. Justin turns his body resisting her efforts.
“I went out for a run Justin,” she answers simply unwilling to give up her high just yet.
“You left him alone with HER,” he grunts lowly. Mae chuckles from her seat before removing herself from the room. Kate doesn’t blame her for leaving, but she wishes she wouldn’t have left her alone.
“Get over it Justin. SHE is with him more than you are. If there was going to be concern thrown around for our son it would not be when he’s with Mae,” she states. His eyes narrow and it brings her a little joy to know her words hit their mark. It takes him a moment to gather his response and Kate takes advantage of his silence. She drops onto the couch next to him and reaches over to smooth over Jonah’s wild hair. It won’t ever lie down.
“Can we just not fight? Just this once?” she pleads. His eyes soften a little although his jaw remains clenched. His grip loosens and Kate pulls Jonah from his grasp. She closes her eyes and takes in the soft scent of baby lotion and glances up at Justin over his head.
“This is so goddamned hard,” he breathes. She nods and leans into him just a little.
“Not to sound like a bitch, but it’s even harder when you’re hear all the time,” Kate adds. Justin tenses at the comment and Kate wishes she had resisted saying it and let the small moment of peace last longer.
“I don’t have the first clue what I’m doing. I’m sorry that its not enough for you, but damnit Kate. I’m trying,” he states. A heavy sigh mingles with her nod as she hands Jonah back to his father.
“Try a little harder Justin,” she commands. The moment it already gone, no use in holding it back now. She half expects him to storm out with Jonah like he usually does, but instead he stays on the couch and reaches for the remote. Kate doesn’t wait to see what he chooses to watch. At least she knows he’s here and for Jonah’s sake it’s the best thing for him. She passes Jonah’s room and glances in to see Mae folding tiny shirts.
“You can probably head home for the day. Justin’s going to be here for awhile,” Kate suggests. She doesn’t know who long Justin plans on staying, but she’s not going to make Mae suffer under his glares. Mae nods and stands from her place on the floor.
“Tomorrow?” she verifies. Kate nods and makes her way to her room closing the door securely once inside. She wants to head back out the door and run, emptying her head once more of all this clutter, but she turns on the shower instead. She’ll have to wait til tomorrow for a little more peace.
Author's Chapter Notes:
ok this is all caught up now! hopefully this archive is here to stay! let me know what you all think!
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