Everything is working on auto pilot. He knows that he is driving recklessly and if he were to get pulled over he wouldn’t be able to formulate a decent excuse, but that’s beyond him. A few horns blare behind him as he crosses the lanes of traffic rapidly to get to his destination. His body catches a little air as the SUV runs over a curb in his haste. He grits his teeth and turns the music up even louder, sure at this point that anyone within a block of him can make out every angry word leaking from his speakers.
He slows slightly as the city street give way to residential, but only enough to ensure he doesn’t sideswipe any of the cars lining the sleepy street. Thinking its safer now that he’s slowed down, he glances over at the glossy object in the passenger seat and feels the rage bubble over once again.
To say things have been hard since Jonah would be an understatement. Justin knows that he is partially responsible, that he could make more of an effort to be patient with Kate, but she keeps giving him reasons to erupt. The newest reason is currently the passenger in his car.
For a moment he thinks he hears a siren and checks his rear view. Nothing but trees and parked cars. As he pulls his eyes away he catches a glimpse of the ever present car seat firmly strapped to his back seat. Even with how shitty things continue to be with Kate, he wouldn’t wish Jonah out of the picture. He’s given Justin a sense of adulthood people have been trying to push him into for years. An easy sense of responsibility and age.
The car that he bought to be a symbol of his success has become a symbol of what he is trying to provide for this son. Safety, protection and even a little cushion. The interior forever reeks of stale milk with a touch of baby lotion, but Justin wouldn’t have it any other way. Screw anyone who would turn up their nose at it. Because this is what his life is about now.
Thoughts of his sons cool his temper only slightly. He knows that its true that you can’t help who you fall in love with, but he was supposed to be able to choose who he would take this life changing step with. Things like birth control and condoms were supposed to stop this kind of thing from happening. Again, not Jonah, but having Jonah with someone who has such different ideas about life than he does.
At her core Justin knows that Kate is a good person. Someone who came from a solid background and by all accounts should be stable, but the more he got to know her the more than very idea unraveled. Hence the breakup. A mutual decision that neither one of them was particularly sad about.
Topping the list of reasons why Justin knew that it would never work was Kate’s insecurity. Her utter inability to truly trust in herself. He struggled to try and encourage that in her, but she clung to it like a raggedy teddy bear. And now, every fight, every glare is laced with that fault.
The gate rolls open even slower than normally and Justin beats his hands on the steering wheel while he waits for it to finally allow him to pass. He groans as he pulls into the drive and sees Mae’s car. What he is about to do shouldn’t have an audience, but there is no helping that now.
He waits a few moments in the car to gather his thoughts to him. He can’t let her talk a circle around him and make him somehow take the blame for this. This is about her. For once he had no part in the offensive action. His head jerks up when the front door opens and Mae steps out. At least that is working out for him.
As Mae makes her way to her car jingling her keys in her hand Justin watches and wonders what goes on inside her head. Admittedly he is an ass to her, but its more to spite Kate than anything. From what Trace tells him and he’s seen of her with Jonah she’s harmless and completely set on adoring Jonah. So he can’t really complain.
Before Mae can slide into her car Justin bursts from his startling her. The keys fall to the ground and land in a symphony of metal. She chuckles before leaning down to pick them back up.
“Good God, I didn’t see you there,” she says. Justin nods, but doesn’t make any effort to respond. He takes in her ripped jeans and ratty Peter Paul and Mary t-shirt. She doesn’t shift under his stare, but smiles and waits.
“Is she here?” he asks. Mae glances back at the house before nodding her reply. Justin takes a deliberate breath before adding his own nod. AS he moves past her a small pang of guilt fills him. He doesn’t mean to be such an ogre with her, but it just comes so damn easily.
“He rolled over today.” The words are soft and he almost misses them. When the full meaning sinks in he turns back to face Mae. A small smile plays on her face and he can see the pride in her eyes. And suddenly a different kind of guilt fills him. He missed it.
“Yeah?” he confirms. Mae nods fervently. For a brief moment his thoughts are far from the periodical rolled in his hand.
“I laid him down to stretch out and turned away for a second and when I looked back he was on his stomach,” she smiles. Justin tries to visualize the milestone. Before Jonah never knew that something as small as rolling over could be considered important, but now with each day that passes he realizes more and more that every moment of his son’s life is important and he misses altogether too much.
“Thanks for telling me,” he replies softly. Mae offers a final smile before slipping into her car. The radio starts and she immediately adds her voice to the noise. Justin watches her pull away and wonders what else he missed that even Mae didn’t think to tell him about.
He doesn’t bother knocking or ringing the bell. Habit allows him to make a pretty good guess of where he’ll find them. As he pushes open the French doors leading to Kate’s room he wishes in vain that he wasn’t here for the reason he is. Kate is sprawled out on the bed with Jonah next to her. Her face stretched into a rare smile as she bushes her fingers over the bottoms of his feet.
Justin’s breath catches in his throat as Jonah erupts into tiny giggles, kicking his feet and looking up at his mother. He wants to drop the magazine and simply join the moment, try once again to be the family everyone thinks they are. But the glossy pages stick to his sweaty hands and he is reminded of why he is there.
“Hey J,” Kate calls casually from the bed, motioning him over. Justin pads his way across the room and sits on the edge of the bed, as far from Kate as he can while still being on the bed. He takes a moment to grin down at his son and feel his downy hair under his fingers before stiffening his resolve.
“He looks more like you every day you know? I would be slighted by his taking after you more than me if you weren’t so good looking,” Kate jokes. Justin nods distractedly. He hates that he is going to pop this bubble of contentment, but he didn’t start this. He opens his hand and lets the magazine unroll onto the bed. Kate stiffens when she sees the full picture.
Justin waits for her to start in with her usual barrage. The excuses, the turning of the tables and finally the storming out of the room, but she remains still. He watches as she pulls herself into the furthest corner of the bed and wraps her arms around herself, almost bracing herself for what she must know is coming.
“It turned out better than I thought,” she finally states. Justin feels the words of anger swirl inside of him. Of all the things she could have said, of all the things that may have begun to placate him, that was not doing the trick.
“See and I was hoping maybe I didn’t read the article right. That maybe this was just a load of shit,” Justin replies bitterly. Kate moves her eyes between the large picture of her and Jonah on the cover of US and Justin’s face. He holds back the words fighting to get out and tries to let her explain.
“I don’t know why you are acting like this is such a shock. We both knew it had come to this,” Kate sighs. Justin feels his forehead crease with frustration. He hates it when she talks of them like a couple, like people who love and trust each other, because at this point he can’t think of anything less fitting.
“When I talked about this….this possibility, it was mostly as a fucking joke Kate. I never in a million years would have sold my son’s face to the highest bidder,” he snaps. All rational reasoning to try and be calm is gone. He rolls his shoulders back and stares at her, daring her to contradict him.
“What did you want me to do Justin? I mean they were camped outside of the house. I couldn’t go anywhere without them shoving a camera in my face and demanding to see Jonah. I, we couldn’t live like that,” Kate argues. Justin shakes his head in disbelief. He pushes the magazine off the bed not being able to bear looking at it any longer.
“What happened to just letting it happen naturally? Whenever they got a hold of a picture they did? I thought that’s what we decided to do, but look there I am assuming that I have any kind of fucking say,” Justin spits. Kate takes a shuttering breath and he knows he’s getting to her, but he wants to understand to try to relate with her.
“I just… I was talking to Kelly and she suggested that is we did this then a lot of the attention would die down. That maybe they would leave us alone,” Kate stumbles over the words. Justin falls back on the bed and immediately looks over to make sure his movement didn’t disturb the now sleeping Jonah.
“Why the hell wouldn’t Kelly tell you to go with the cover? He’s your publicist, hardly has you best interest as a mother at heart,” Justin sighs.
His fisted hands rub over his eyes and he rolls into his side laying an arm lightly over Jonah’s form. In some strange way he feels like the magazine, the media attention is a direct result of him not being a good father. Of him not protecting Jonah from all that shit. But how can he when Kate is busy sabotaging his efforts?
“It seemed like a good idea. I mean they paid $750,000 for the cover and the pigs have left the gate. So I’m not really seeing a downside,” Kate defends. Just her mentioning the money brings Justin’s lunch to the back of this throat. He struggles to hold it down.
“Jesus Kate. You took money? You realize that’s like whoring out Jonah?” he breathes. He pulls the tiny body close to him a futile attempt to protect him. Kate grits her teeth and her eyes throw daggers at Justin, but he doesn’t care. She deserves this.
This is all on her. She should feel a little of the pain that surged through him when he saw the cover. At the gas station of all places. The machine had instructed him to go inside for his recipient and there it was. His son’s face plastered across a magazine. If that wasn’t bad enough the obvious posed Kate behind him was the real blow.
“Don’t say it like that. It was for him. So they would stop hovering over him,” she whispers. Justin shakes his head.
“You think he has any clue about those assholes? He’s six months old Kate! The only person who feels better after all this is you.” Jonah stirs and Justin wishes he could be his cover forever.
“I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal about this. So what I sold his first public pictures! But at least I can have a little peace. And besides you should be happy its great publicity for you,” she argues. Justin lets his eyes to flutter closed instead of instantly lashing out like he wants to.
“Its not about fucking publicity Kate. It’s about you throwing my son to the dogs. About you feeling good about doing something this huge without even telling me,” he rambles. His every effort to try and make her understand is failing. He can’t remember when he stopped being able to even talk to Kate.
“Your son? Your son? You aren’t even here most of the time. He’s mine as much as he is yours and I can make decisions for him if I feel its best for him!” Kate’s rising voice pulls Jonah from his sleep and it doesn’t take long for his cries to mix with his mothers.
“Don’t pull me into this like this is my fault. It is what it is,” he states firmly. He pulls himself to s sitting position and cradles his son to his chest.
“That’s your response? Fine then. The magazine is what it is,” she fires back. Justin chews on the inside of his cheek and stands.
“Go, take YOUR son and leave. It’s what you do best when things get a little tough,” Kate spits. Justin pauses in the doorway and debates whether or not to take the bait. He decides that anything he would say would cause more damage then help and continues his path to the door.
Once Jonah is strapped in his seat and the doors are closed Justin allows himself to break down. This wasn’t how he imagined his life. Even after he knew Jonah was coming he naively thought that his problems with Kate would disappear or at the very least fade into the background. But if anything everything has just been amplified. And the worst feeling is that he can’t do anything to change it. Like he’s on a path that he doesn’t know where it leads or how to get off of it.
And all he really feels like he can do is try.
Author's Chapter Notes:
another one finally! thank you all for reviewing, it drives me :) enjoy and let me know what you think...
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