One

For the past year, I've been having an affair with a married man.  I never meant for this to happen.  I never wanted to get involved with him in the first place.  I knew he was married.  I knew he had family.  But I couldn't not want him.  I couldn't not touch him, or kiss him, or make love to him.  I knew about his other life, and I felt guilty, but yet here I am, laying next to his naked body.  Watching as his beautiful bare chest rise and fall.  Looking down at the freckles that dance upon his shoulder blades.  The bridge of his nose or his furrowed eyebrows.

I didn't want to be that woman.  I didn't want to be the other woman.  I despised those women.  But that's who I am.  I haven't been able to look myself in the mirror in a long time.  I'm afraid that the person I see won't be a reflection of me, but of someone else.  Someone that is not me.

I don't know what to do.  My head is saying one thing, but my heart is saying something totally different.  I know he's wrong for me.  I know that.  But there's something about him that keeps me coming back for more.  I should...I need to be with someone who's heart isn't somewhere else.  But he treats me so well.  When I'm with him, I never feel like I'm the other woman.  When we make love, it's heaven.

He's been telling me for the past year that he's going to leave his wife to be with me, but something inside of me doesn't want him to.  I don't want to destroy another's marriage.  I want to just tell him to go back to his wife and forget about me, but my heart won't allow me to say it.  I need to let him go back to his wife.  But is it the right thing to do?  Should I let the man I love go?

I looked back down at his sleeping form.  I began to lightly trace his features with my index finger.  Once my fingers got to his beautiful pink lips, his hand had caught my wrist.  His eyes began to flutter open.

"What are you doing?"  He says groggliy.

"Nothing.  Just admiring how beautiful you are."

He smiled.  "C'mere."  I leaned foward to place a kiss on his lips.

"I love you."  I said once breaking the kiss.

"Me too."  He says back.

Then it hit me.  I can't do this anymore.  I can't keep hiding my relationship with him from my family and friends.  I can't keep staying in on dates, because someone sees us and gets back to her.  I love him, but this can't work anymore.

"I love you so much."  I began to softly stroke his cheek.

He began to notice the tears that were forming in my eyes.  "Baby, what's wrong?"

I looked down.  God, he is gorgeous.  I then leaned forward to passionately kiss him.  I just wanted to feel his lips on me for the last time.  To feel his hands on me.  To just feel him.

"April, baby, what's wrong?"  He said once we broke the kiss.  "Are you alright?"  He removed a curly tendril that had fallen from my face.

"I can't do this anymore."  I looked down into his eyes.

"Can't do what?"  He looked at me with concern.

"Us."  I whispered, rolling over and getting up from the bed, and turning the light on.

I walked over to the dresser, pulled out a green nightie, and pulled it over my naked body.

He sat up on his elbows.  "April, baby, what are you talking about?"

I sighed as I closed the drawer.  "I can't keep doing this, Justin.  I can't keep going on like this."  I turned around and leaned on the dresser.

He got up and pulled on his boxers.  He came around closer to me and sat on the edge of the bed.  "Come here."  He gestured with both of his hands.  I walked over to him, and sat down next to him.  "Now, please explain this to me."

I sighed again.  "This...what we have is...it's not going to work.  You're married..."

He groaned inward.  "Here we go again.  April, baby," he took my hand in his, "I told you.  My marriage has nothing to do with how I feel about you."  He placed my hands up to his mouth, and kissed them.  "I love you."

I snatched my hands away, and stood up.  "Your marriage has everything to do with this.  I'm tired of hiding.  Don't you feel the least bit guilty?"  He said nothing.  "Well I want...need a boyfriend who isn't married."

He looked hurt.  "What?  You don't want me?"

"Of course I want you, Justin.  I want you so bad that it hurts."  The tears began to well up again.  "But I want you here."  I placed my hand to his chest.  "I don't want to share you with anyone else."

He placed his hand over mine.  "I'm sorry, April, I want that too, but things are complicated at home.  I've got Courtney to think about."

"I know."  I said looking awya.

You remember when I said that he had a family?  Well he has a five year old daughter named Courtney Rae.  Justin talks about her all of the time.  He loves his little girl to death.

He then stood up to wrap his arms around my waist.  "Why can't we just stay like this until I can figure things out, so I won't lose my daughter?"  He kissed my cheek.

I looked him in his beautiful deep blue orbs and sighed.  He then leaned forward to kiss me.  His lips felt like pure silk against mine.  I then grabbed the back of his head to deepen the kiss.  When we finally came up for air, he leaned his forehead against mine.

"Go home to your wife, Justin."  I whispered.

"What?"  He lifted his head to look me in my eyes.

"It's over."  I said holding back the tears.  I then broke from his grip.

"Baby, don't do this.  I love you."  He pleaded.

I turned my back towards him.  I didn't him to see me cry.  "Justin, just go."

"Don't do this."  He whispered.

"Go!"  I half screamed, half cried.

"Fine.  Have it your fuckin' way.  I'm gone."  He grabbed the rest of his things.  He then stopped at the door.  "Just remember that I love you, April Jones."  That was the last thing he said before heading out of the room, slamming my bedroom door, walking out of my life for good.

I closed my eyes as the tears began to fall.  About five minutes later, I heard a car door shut.  I looked out of my window to see Justin sitting in his truck with his head on the steering wheel.  He then looked up to meet my gaze.  He gave me an evil glare and then proceeded to start the engine.  He then backed out of the driveway, and sped off, tires screeching.

"I love you too, Justin Timberlake."  I whispered and closed the blinds.