Things weren’t always this bad, you know. Who would have thought that Justin Timberlake is a (almost) wife beater? Who could have imagined that our relationship is anything but the way everyone thinks it is? I’m stupid for drinking the way I do; I don’t have a problem it just always happens after I hear about Dani and that prick Mark, which is frequently (so maybe there is somewhat of a problem). I just get pissed, I can’t control my anger and I take it out on Dani because she’s the cause of all this mess. I don’t know why she hasn’t left me yet, despite my constant begging her not to. I would have left my ass high and dry, and taken Chase, if I were her.

I don’t know what comes over me when I get abusive. Little things like her not being home when I get back from the studio, or like Trace telling me that he saw them eating lunch together (no one told her to get a job across the street from William Rast offices) just send me way over the edge and I start to see red. It’s almost like this out of body experience when it happens. I don’t ever remember how things go down or how they end, I just know by the state the house is in the next morning or by the look she gives me before Chase and I head out for his preschool that it wasn’t pretty.

I’m stupid, I know. I need to drop drinking; I’ve heard it many times from Dani. I need help; I’m just beginning to realize that.

Tell me where our time went,

And if it was time well spent

Just don’t let me fall asleep feeling empty again

Cos’ I fear I might break

And I fear I can’t take it

Tonight I’ll lie awake feeling empty

And don’t look at me with your nose turned up like I’m some pig; you’d get the same way if you caught the one person you trusted with your every being in bed with another man. Danielle isn’t the angel everyone thinks she is; when she and I started to mess around she was involved in a serious relationship, I had just gotten out of mine with Britney and turned to her as ‘comfort’. Some comfort I received right? I don’t regret her cheating on Rick though, because if she hadn’t I wouldn’t have my beautiful baby boy and I wouldn’t be with the one person who I love, and loves me unconditionally.

But her cheating on Rick to be with me has definitely raised some red flags in our relationship. I don’t trust her completely to stay faithful, and as you can see I have good reason not to. God I hate to even think about it.

Pulling into the driveway and noticing an unfamiliar car was parked in my spot I was definitely aware that something wasn’t right. When I got into the house everything was still; Buckley and Brennan weren’t running around like maniacs, Chase was at my Mom’s, and Dani was supposed to be at the gym so where did that car come from? As I made my way upstairs I heard noise coming from our bedroom which really made me start to worry.

“Are you alright? What’s on your mind baby girl?” Who the fuck was that?

“I’m good, really. I just feel guilty, something doesn’t feel right Mark. I promised Justin I would never do this to him…”

“You said he dropped Chase off at his mother’s and he’s going into the studio, he’s not going to be home soon Dani. He’ll have to live with it if he finds out; Old Dude should be giving it to you right instead of ignoring you.”

“I just had a baby six months ago Mark. I can see if he thinks I’m unattractive right now.” Unattractive? I had been away for two of those six months shooting scenes of my new movie, and the first three months after Chase was born she didn’t want to be intimate, not me. I’m a guy for fuck’s sake; sex is always on my mind.

“Don’t worry about it. Everything’s gonna be fine Ma…”

“Yeah, everything’s okay Danielle.” I was fuming; I wanted to beat the shit out of him until he was screaming my name for mercy, and I wanted to throw her ass out on the corner. She scrambled to cover her naked body while Mark jumped at the sound of my voice.

“Baby…” I held up my hand for her to be quiet, there was nothing she could say or do at that moment to change things.

“Don’t. I don’t get why you’re covering up like I haven’t seen you naked before. I’ll be back later, you make me sick.” She didn’t even bother to come after me to see if I was okay. Danielle stayed in bed with the home wrecker, and when I got home late that night we got into it; that’s when the abuse started.

I regret it all the time. It eats me upevery day to know that I turned into the man I always said I’d never be. I exposed my son to all of that, and I hate myself everyday for it. The first time I came home and saw that a significant amount of their things had moved around I knew she had left and then chickened out and came back.

I can feel the pressure

It’s getting closer now

We’re better off without you

She thinks I don’t know that she attempts to leave monthly. When I came home that day after she had lunch with Mark and saw her bags packed I thought my world had ended; I thought she was going for good. I put her through so much with my insecurities and she goes through so much because of irate fans and nosy paparazzi, I don’t know why she stayed; her life would probably be so much easier without me in it.

For a while things changed, you know? I stopped with going out drinking all the time. She stopped hanging out and talking to Mark outside of work. But good things don’t last forever, right?

Chase and I were sitting in the living room, having a ‘guy’s night’, watching Blue’s Clues DVD’s (real manly, right?) and pigging out on cookies, cake Dani had baked for us, and milk when the house phone rang loudly from its spot on the other side of the room. Chase ran for the phone before I could even get up off the couch and was back by the time I made it two steps further.

“Hewo?” I saw his face light up at the sound of the person on the other line. “Watchin’ Blue, where you? Daddy being a pig. Otay wuv you too.” He took the phone away from his ear and held it out for me to take. As I was taking the phone he climbed back onto the couch in the spot I had just been in and stuck his tongue out at me.

“Hello?”

“Justin, you’re never going to fucking believe this…” It was Trace, and I didn’t even want to her what he was going to say, I knew it was going to be bad.

“I don’t want to believe whatever you’re going to say Tee, so save it for someone else.”

“Whatever dude. So me and Grady are sitting here at the bar, minding our P’s and Q’s, when I see your lovely fiancé walk in here, arm and arm with that bitch ass Mark. You want me to go set it on him Jay?”

“I don’t want you to set it on anyone Trace, we’re almost 30. Grow up, you can’t go around picking fights with people you don’t like.”

“We’re only 27 bitch. What the fuck are you going to do about this?”

“Nothing.” And I hung up the phone. I didn’t want to worry about Mark and Dani at that point; I was spending the night with my boy and that’s all that mattered.

That’s all that mattered until Chase went to sleep; after two months of staying away from alcohol I was throwing drinks back like they were water and waiting on the front steps for Dani’s Range Rover to roll up the driveway. I watched as she pulled her car to a stop a few feet away from the stoop and sauntered over to me wearing her ‘Fuck me Heels’ , as she calls them, William Rast jeans that looked painted on, and a dressy black top.

“Hey Justin, why are you sitting out here all alone? It’s kinda late Bay…” She started to trail off as she looked down at the bottle of Jack and the pack of Salem’s that were sitting next to me with disgust.

“How was your night?” I didn’t have to look at her for her to know I knew.

“I saw Trace. It wasn’t anything Justin.” Taking a long drag of my cigarette I looked at her with condescending eyes and just smiled.

“Right.”

“I’m serious, we had to meet with clients.”

“Which is why you told me you were going out with the girls to have drinks? You fucking liar. You had to meet clients yet you smell like sex…”

“Would you have let me go if I told you I had to spend the night with Mark?” I didn’t say anything, because she already knew my answer would be no.

“God damn Dani, why do you have to fucking lie so much? I’m trying so hard to change for you baby and you’re still doing the same shit.” She grabbed the cigarette I had just taken a drag of and stepped on it to put it out before wrapping her arms around me to comfort me.

“Jay, listen…”

“I’m done listening Danielle. Get the fuck off of me.” I didn’t mean to push her so hard, but she went flying onto the cobblestone walkway and hit her head. At that point I felt no remorse for pushing her., I was way too gone to have sympathy for her cheating ways.

That was the last time I spoke to her though; she didn’t say a word when she got into bed and when I woke up the next morning I packed my shit, grabbed a bag for Chase and we left. Danielle hasn’t even tried to look for us, not that she’d really need to search any further than Millington. Every day is the same for me you know. I’m not only Chase’s father; I’ve taken on the roles of his mother as well. I can’t justify taking him away from Danielle though, I just know he doesn’t deserve to be with her.

I’m a mess. The music I’ve been working on sucks. I don’t want to promote my movie coming out. I don’t want to do anything but be with Danielle, but I can’t. I sit around the house (that I bought in Millington for us to escape to after we got married)and basically do nothing all day because I have no other choice The images of me abusing Dani will never go away but neither will the constant images of her cheating. If there was one thing I knew she would never do to me it would be to cheat. She saw what Britney did to me, now she’s doing it to me ten fold.

I don’t think there’s a chance that we’ll ever be a family again. I can’t do it. She can’t do it. We’re pathetic.

So now that I'm losing hope

And there's nothing else to show

For all the days that we spent

Carry away from home

Some things I'll never know

And I had to let them go

I'm sitting all alone, feeling empty

“Daddy?” I looked in the rearview mirror at Chase who was sitting in his safety seat munching on
French fries.

“Yeah baby?”

“Where Mommy?” After three months of being away from her he was finally asking.

“Mommy and Daddy are…”

“You mad at Mommy?”

“Yeah Munchkin.”

“Mima tolded me that Mommy and Daddy take time apart like Mrs. Smith makes me go way from Tim when we fight over toys.” I couldn’t help but laugh. I had remember to thank my mom for explaining things to Chase in toddler terms because I honestly didn’t know how to.

“Yeah, she’s right.” Just as I was saying that I heard my phone vibrate from its spot on the passenger’s seat, so I picked it up and saw I had a text message from Danielle.

From: Wifey

Sent: 3:45 PM

I know you’re pissed at me Jay, you have every right to be. This is it, huh? The abuse and cheating stops here right? When you’re ready to let me see Chase I’ll be here. Give him a kiss for me please Bay…I love you.

To: Wifey

Sent: 3:48 PM

We stop here, not just the abuse and the cheating, but us. I’m through. Talk is cheap, I’m not just the only one to blame in this relationship. We’ll work something out with Chance when I’m ready to let you see him.

When we got back to the house I put Chase to bed and for the first time since we left Dani I sat in my room and cried. I worked so hard on a relationship that ended up being the most fucked up relationship I’ve ever been in.

“Daddy, no cry.” I looked up from where I was focused on the floor and looked Chase’s gray/blue eyes.

“I’m good Munchkin.” I picked him up into my lap and hugged him tightly, not wanting the last good thing about my relationship to get away from me.

“Ouch.” I let go of the tight hold I had on him and kissed his mat of curly hair on his head.

“I’m sorry. We’re gonna be okay Chase, I promise you. Mommy’s going to be okay.” I’m sure Chase had no idea what I was blubbering about; my reassurance to him was basically directed towards myself, I needed to tell myself everything would be okay. Even if I couldn’t handle being apart from Dani it wasn’t healthy for us to be together anymore.

I can feel the pressure

It’s getting closer now

You’re better off without me…