I woke up the next morning, a little frazzled. I decided I needed to get on with my dad. Even if its Saturday; I didn't wanna waste it. Brian had since gone home a while ago. He did stay with me all night. I couldn't believe it. I have never done that with anyone before. Not since I was a kid. All night I slept in his arms and nothing else was on my mind. I wasn't stressed out the way I normally am when I sleep.

I didn't once think of the person I didn't want to. It always made me feel disgusting when I pictured his face. It was almost too good looking. I really hated how I still thought that. But its not a problem anymore. The more I see of Brian, the more I'm thinking about what makes me happy. JC can never do that. Not even if he's giving someone a happy. But who cares right? I sure don't.

I haven't been to the park in weeks. Then there's always the beach. Its a really nice day. I feel that if I go to the beach, I might as well bring my suit. I was just there yesterday though. Its always so quiet at the park and there's dog city. That's a part of the area of the park where everyone takes there dogs and lets them run freely without a leash. Sort of like a play pin for dogs. I don't go there enough and I almost always see the same dogs I haven't seen in a long time grow up.

I think it sucks that dogs age so fast. Such a shame. They make such great friends.

I chose the park. My mood was going there anyway. Maybe reading was a good idea actually. Brian said he was going to see Leighanne and Bailey today so I didn't really want to tell him I was just going to be alone. I vaguely said I had plans; I tried making it seem important. The more I want him, the more space I need to put between us. I can't always want things my way. I'm learning gradually that people have separate lives from me. I didn't want to tell him what I'm feeling. He knows enough for now. More than I care to admit.

God, am I scaring him away? Probably not. I hope not. He isn't even thinking of me right now. He has a family and he's devoted to them. If Leighanne suddenly called him, he'd pick of the phone straight away. Its just like that. She's the mother of his child. If I were in his position I would follow in his ways too. What if, and this is an on the side question, what if she does this because she still wants him? Who am I to get in the way of that? Who am I exactly.

I took the bus this time. I didn't want to go to through the hassle of taking the car. I'd have to fill up the tank and there's a whole mess of things I wanted to avoid. Besides, I wanted some quiet. I didn't plan on staying there late anyway.

The park on Saturday usually was pretty crowded, especially in the morning. I saw parents bring their kids and tiny babies and sometimes have an old fashioned picnic. Man, I haven't had that in a long time. Growing up, my family wasn't much for doing things together. My father was there when his work permitted more time. I rarely got a chance to be with him, I feel sad sometimes and used to blame myself. I've been living alone since I was 17. They wanted to put me in a foster home because I was still a minor. After I turned 18, it was difficult to find my way. My dad barely knew I was still related to him. I'd get letters telling me updates from his new life. I guess he thought I cared.

The truth is, and it hurts to admit, I raised myself. I had a mother, true, but it was so short-lived. I never really got a chance to confess everything. I said to Brian that she's still here. Some days that's true. Others, I'm not sure what to do with myself. Its just a nice feeling I wanted to have. She was my best friend. I had some great memories that could stretch out for days. It was a good time in my life. If I didn't have my dad, my mom was there. I cherish them now more then I did before. Being alone was never a plan I had for myself. I guess I was brought into it. Just like some things I can't control.

But I'm ok with it. I've been ok with it. Life hasn't been too rough.

I checked my watch, oo, 2:38pm. I think I have around 2 hours more or less until the sun starts setting. I left my novel at home before I left and got off at the stop. I walked up the path to the playground area. I know this stuff is for kids but I can't help it. Every time I see them I have to swing on them and work my way to going higher and higher. My mom used to do this with me. Maybe this was my way of reaching out to her.

I sat in the swing and slowly started to swing high. I took off my shoes and pushed a little more. Its strange doing this without a spotter. I always felt like I might fall if I went too high. But I like going high like this.

I had a sudden flash back to when I was ten. I remembered it was so cold. Probably one of the coldest nights I could remember. I was with my family. We were together. Everything just felt nice. I didn't realized I stopped swinging. I also didn't realize who was staring at me.

He had his back against a tree and quickly looked away. I came here to be alone. I didn't come here to run into trouble. God, I hated this. Why do I get the feeling that he's everywhere I turn? Can't he just go already? That whole phase I had of ripping him a new one doesn't matter. He can have anyone he wants and so can I. Life can go on still. I just have to try pushing him away harder.

I'm walking away, I have to. Maybe I could call Brian for a drink later. Yeah, he might be home. I dialed his number and waited. More waiting. Hmm, no answer. He must be out with Bailey and Leighanne still. I could try him later. I definitely need to give him space.

"Your Boyfriend not pickin' up?" He asked me in a snarky tone.

He actually had the nerve to sit in the vacant swing next to me. Asshole.

"As if its any of your business anyway."

He snorted a laugh and started swinging. I pushed away from it, still sitting in the swing.

"Don't worry about Brian, Amelia. Leigh's always been the only girl I've seen him with. Its just a matter of time before he goes back with he-"

"Shut up. Leave me alone."

He held up his hands as he slowed down his momentum, "Slow down. I'm just reporting facts here. You don't have to be a bitch about it. We know he still loves her."

I couldn't hear it. Even if it was true, which its not, even if it was, some small chance, I'll never let him see me upset. But he's wrong; so it doesn't matter.

"No, you're wrong. You don't know anything about Brian or me."

"I know I'm right. Just don't wanna say I told you so. It sucks to find out these things in the end."

Please don't cry. Don't let him see it. There was conviction in his voice. I almost prayed he was wrong. Brian was my friend regardless.

"Brian is my--you know? Fuck this, I could see this coming. I am so sick of men like you. Men who bullshit and live their lives just as deluded as the next player. And you're giving me a head's up on my love life?! Who the fuck are you?"

He smiled that dangerous/delicious smile, but this time there was tons of smug behind it. It was cold and I felt all of it.

"I'm just a guy telling it like it is. I know men. And she has his spawn. He's always going to need her. Makes sense. Just wanna let you know what you're getting into with a formally married man."

"Like I said, you don't know us. You don't know anything about friendship or anything meaningful for that manner."

He stopped swinging and moved closer to me. I inched further away but he caught on my tale. I swallowed hard.

"Stop JC. Stop it." I didn't mean to whisper but it came out that way.

"I don't know about anything meaningful? Is that what you said?"

"I just meant you didn't know me. I didn't mean to assume you didn't. I just said it ok?" Something tells me he's not done.

He stopped inching toward me and slumped in the swing; he looked defeated. I didn't want to feel sorry for him and why should I? Its men like him that ruin everything. That act like they care and wanna bring others down to their level so they'll--uhah! Wait what? But JC does that with skinny chics. The ones that have legs that look like my arms. He would never... No, its crazy to even think he would go there. JC Chasez wouldn't play me.

"I'll tell you one thing about that..." he spoke and it shook me. I was so still and was nearly salivating for his next words.

"You have no a clue what you're talking about. You don't know a thing about me."

I swallowed and nearly choked as I said, "Right--you're right. Same goes here. I'm ok with that too."

He turned to me with scolding eyes, "I'm not."