Amelia's POV
I took the kettle off the stove and poured the steaming water inside the mug, letting the smells fill the kitchen as I bounced the teabag inside. Tea was usually my best way of meditation instead sitting Indian Style and shutting my eyes. Now, its just hot water mixed with a bunch of scented leaves. I knew what I was doing. I needed to at least make some sense of the insanity that is my insecurity. I needed him and I had no choice.
I didn't worry about Brian until he sincerely said to be careful with him. If he wasn't then he would have to be the best actor which he isn't. He was right about some things. Brian was a different case. He was married and with a child. There's always that bond. That history that forever ties him with the mother of his child. Who can compete with that? I'm not a beauty. Who was I kidding?
I must have been staring into space or something because I heard the television turn on. I forgot there's only so long someone can stare at a wall. I better go see what he's up to. Almost forgot about him being here.
I walked around the corner, my tea in one hand toward the living room and watched as he stared at the screen with blank eyes. Maybe that's his way of taking a nap or something. Truth was, I really didn't feel like talking about anything tonight. I really just didn't want to be alone. Didn't want another night of staring at the walls blindly while blinking tears back. No, I really don't want those nights to come back.
He noticed I was in the room and looked up at me almost like he forgot who I was. He nodded and motioned for me to come sit next to him. I grew pensive. Suddenly I wasn't sure. I took a sip of my jasmine tea and fought through the apprehensiveness. I walked toward him and sat at the end of the couch. I was still really scared of getting close to him and yet, I wanted him as near as possible. I wanted to rest in his arms but I didn't know how to ask.
I sat my tea on the coffee table and just stared around. I was so nervous I couldn't look at him. I didn't know what to say at that moment. I brought my knees up to my chest and curled myself up in a cozy position.
"Amelia?" He whispered to me.
He closed the big gap between us and tried to look me in the eyes.
I was afraid if I looked at him, I would lose it. "You know, I don't really know how I got here. I don't even know why this is happening or why I'm telling you this. Why I asked you to stay."
I heard him shuffle around, still trying to get a look at me. "Oh."
Well isn't that the silent killer? I really don't like to hear that response.
"You asked me to stay because you didn't want to be alone. I'm just surprised I said yes." He sat back with a huff on the couch.
"So am I." I admitted.
"I thought you hated me. I'm shocked I asked you." I added slowly.
I felt the back of his hand touch my elbow and let it stay there for a couple seconds.
"I think we both wanted it. I don't hate you Amelia. Hey, I let you get away with calling me Josh. I think we're past the hate barrier."
I laughed for the first time in his presence. Man this is so crazy. How did I get here?
"Yeah, I guess that's true. That's only because I like it better than JC. Its your name. My mother used to call me Mia a lot. To everyone else, I was Amelia. Sometimes nicknames aren't so sentimental to some people."
"I don't know, maybe I don't care much about it. Its been a while sense I was referred by my birth name. When I come home, I hear it everywhere. I guess in some ways, I like it. Its who I am. The other one is just a stage name." He explained.
I turned to face him, "Well I like it. Like you said, its who you are."
"Right." He nodded sarcastically.
I threw my hands up and turned my body to him, "Are you ever serious?"
He shook his head, "Gets in the way of messing with people all the time."
A beat. I raised an eye-brow.
"Of course I'm serious. Like right now, you asked me in the car to come inside and stay, so here I am. I'd say that's pretty serious. You know, there was an engagement I was invited to but I not there. I'm here."
I twitched, "Well, you didn't have to stay. If you would rather be somewhere else nobody's stopping you from going."
I stood up from the couch and paced. If this is what I am to him then he should just go. I don't need someone feeling sorry for me. I never asked for that.
"Amelia, is that really what you think of me? I only brought it up because clearly this is more important." He stood up and touched my hand.
"What is?"
He took hold of my hand. I refused to look at him.
"This is. Being here right now. Seriously. If I were lying, I wouldn't have waited this long. I think the old me would have left a long time ago."
"The old you?"
This is strange. Why is he saying this now? He let go of my hand and sat back on the couch. I am very confused.
I started to laugh and sat down next to him. "So, what are you saying Josh? I've changed yo--"
"No, I'm definitely not saying that. How could anybody change anybody? Its not like I was hurting anyone before."
I looked at him like he had three heads, "I'm sure the girls enjoy how you treat them. Especially when that's all you offer."
He blushed and that made me laugh even harder. "Uh you don't know what you're talking about. The girls I get with all want what I want."
"Haha, Josh, no girl really wants only sex, unless they were raped or molested as a child. Sorry, all girls want the same thing." I traced his jaw with my index finger.
He caught my finger in his hand and smirked, "What is that?"
I nodded simply, "They all want to be taken care of. Guys are supposed to be there for protection. God knows we need it. Too much bad shit happens and sometimes friends are rarely around. It helps when guys can be our friends."
He sighed and laced his fingers with mine. "Brian does it for you huh?"
Oh no. I totally forgot. Why am I going crazy over this guy? Things are going great right? Oh no, don't show it. Not around him of all people.
I opted to not let him see my eyes, "Brian's a nice guy. He's very sweet. I need that. I've needed that for a while. Maybe he doesn't want me. I'm having fun with him. Doesn't matter, I mean its not a big deal. He's a friend."
He was silent for a few moments. "You want more."
I shook my head and huffed as I crossed my arms, "Who doesn't?"
"I-"
"Besides you. Believing in all that stuff is crazy anyway. But I have to believe in something. Just to know things are real again. That life is real. It can't just be all fun and games. Its safe to say he's just a good friend. Which is why I think I'm going to stop calling him."
He chuckled, "Good call. There's a chance he'll call but then there's a chance he won't. If you're not chasing him, he'll either forget you or call and suddenly wanna hang out."
"Oh, suddenly you know more than I do?"
"I'm a guy you forget? I have the proof if you wanna see..." He began unbuckling his pants but I haulted the action.
"I believe you, nevermind. You don't need to show me anything. I think I've seen enough at the park that day with the B actress."
"You mean Eliza? She's a friend. What exactly did you see?"
"The short answer is enough."
"I am not short. It was her idea OK? I can't help where I do what I do."
"Heh, Josh, you were at a public park. Families everywhere you turn. Is that really what they wanna see when they're throwing a freezbee? Its a family place."
He threw his hands up, "I'm horny OK? Can't control it. Wish I could. Actually its better when I can't. Plus its more exciting in public places. You should try it sometime. Its the best thing to do when you're single."
"Its not hard to find it for girls. Even ugly girls with the best bodies can get anyone they want. Pretty much anyone that looks like Paris Hilton."
He laughed and looked at me through his eyelashes, "She's not so bad on the face. I've seen worse girls that got Jessica Alba's body that are dead from the neck up."
"Do you catalogue these findings by zip code?"
"Very funnay. That's why I got a phone. But its confusing because I never save numbers so I don't know who's calling me when I answer. Except for my family."
"Oh." It was all I could say.
Strange, I never thought it would come from him but am I having a real conversation? Wow, this is crazy. Must have been, what, years since I've really laid it out there without holding anything back. Felt like I almost could say anything and it won't shock him. Though I am holding off on commenting on how good his hair looks. Or the fact that my fingers are aching to run through them. He has that James Dean Jewy look going on. I'm loving it.
"You do that a lot."
I cleared my throat, "What?"
"Stare out into space. Are you always in deep thought?"
I rolled my eyes and coved my mouth as I yawned slightly, "No, I guess I'm just tired. I always come home kind of out of it."
He nodded and rubbed his lips together, "Do you want me to let you sleep?"
I shrugged, thinking he was going to leave anyway the second I brought up that I was tired. "Did you want to go?"
He looked down and covered his mouth. He looked like he was hiding something. "Well... only if you want me to."
"I want you to." "I want to." We said simultaneously.
I looked at him. It was like I was looking at a completely different person. He looked almost... beautiful to me. For the first time I saw his eyes. They were just colors but bright blue and green gems that can be seen from miles.
"You staring in my eyes?" He whispered and broke my trance.
"No."
"Liar."
"I would never lie. Especially not to you."
"Because...?"
"Doesn't make you special, I just never lie. Too many people lie already."
"Sweetheart its difficult for me to believe a word of that since you just lied to me twice now."
I broke eye contact. I had to. He was making me nervous. I felt my right hand begin to shake. He should not have this effect on me. I refuse to let him to control me. God damn it I hate him so much.
"Stop it. I told you I don't lie and I wasn't looking in your eyes. I make eye contact just like any normal person would. Get over yourself. Your shit won't work with me."
He had the nerve to laugh. Bastard. "I wasn't using anything on you. I just caught you looking at me and you got all huffy about it. The truth hurts, dont it?"
"Sometimes, except in this case its not true. I wasn't looking at you that way."
"Yes you were. Just admit it. You don't need to pretend to hate me anymore."
"Makes things easier. And I'm not pretending, this hate is for real. I don't play games, unlike some people."
"You know, for someone who's so Gung Ho on telling the truth all the time yet you have no problem openly lying right now. Why?"
I nearly sprinted off the couch and darted toward the fridge. I needed someone nice and cool. Something that'll ease this hot anger coursing through my veins. I needed it. Right now. I can't control my anger now. It was like I was internally hyperventilating. I really regret asking him to stay. In a lot of ways it made things worse. Of all people, I asked him?! I've got to be the definition of crazy. I really topped myself this time. Now I just pray he gets scared and leaves. What good is he here anyway? That's right, nothing.
He's world's away from me. We're not even of each other's elk. I listened for the back screen door to swing open but I couldn't hear anything. Huh? I can't hear anything. Not even footsteps.
I turned around and there he was, standing in my doorway.
The curves of my mouth rose up and I ran into his embrace.
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