I just held her. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Maybe she needs this. She never told me to leave, least not directly. And I didn't want to leave. Something told me to stay a while longer. It was as if she was saying it with her eyes. The problem was, she fit like a glove in my arms. Was that a problem?

She pulled away first. It was strange. It happened so slowly that I was wondering if we put on slow motion. I couldn't do anything else besides hold my breath. I had no idea what was about to happen next. I felt this rush of excitement running through me. I was prepared for anything she threw. Her eyes started to pace from side to side.

"Wrong."

Maybe not totally prepared. "What?"

"We shouldn't do this. We should never do this. I shouldn't act this way. Not around someone like you."

And we're back to the pretending "I hate you" attitude. "Why are you so... difficult?"

"I'm not being difficult Josh. I just can't get like this. It’s not right."

I groaned as I made my way to the door. I was growing tired of this. She was obviously playing games here and I'm never going to reason with her for my life. I am really just wasting my time yet again.

I had my hand on the handle but then I turned around. I wasn't done yet. "What do you want from me?"

She touched her temple and made a painful sound. "I don't think you're the answer for my problem. I don't think any guy is."

It felt like she was talking to herself. Almost as if I wasn't there. I really don't have time for useless drama. She can fend for herself. As far as I'm concerned, which is futile, she's an adult. She can handle her shit.

"Ok, well, I think I'm going to go to that party."

She nodded slowly and taking in each word as if it was the first time she heard them. "Yeah, ok. Go ahead."

Can't believe it was that easy. I turned around and started walking toward the door again. I turned the handle and opened it slightly ajar. This is it. This is the end. Walk out. Do it. Force yourself. Wait. Force myself?! It’s come to this? Have I really lost my shit entirely?

"Wait, Josh... wait…" I heard her footsteps get closer but I didn't turn around right away.

She touched my shoulder. Fuck, you've got to turn around. Pull it together. She looks saner than you are and that's saying a lot.

I turned around and felt something in my hand, "Blackberry... fell inside the couch."

"Yeah..." I gulped; I made no movement to leave.

She nodded knowingly. "Have fun."

I shoved the mobile inside my jacket and just stared at her. "What the fuck am I doing here?"

She laughed genuinely. "I'm still trying to figure that part out myself."

"I really don't wanna fight tonight."

"I wasn't fighting. You're free to leave anytime."

Heh, what the fuck, "I'm trying ok?"

She shook her head incredulously, "What are you talking about? Why not?"

It wasn't the words she asked it was the way she asked them that terrified me now. Why is the question. So far all I've been asking myself is why every time I'm around or near her. It really feels like I'm not being myself lately. It’s easy to just leave. Forget the whole night. Forget the girl, all of it. Believe me I'm trying. I just don't know why it’s suddenly this hard to just walk away.

I closed my eyes and opened them up, "I don't know why."

She laughed again, this time with a scoff. I hated that sound more than anything. "I think its best you go. You need to."

"Can't..."

"Oh? You can't move now? Come on Josh. You've been lying for years its damn near a profession. You can do better than that. Why are you still here?"

"I don't fucking know OK? Because you asked me to be here."

"Mistake of all mistakes. I don't think it’s right for you to be here. Go to your party."

I gritted my teeth, tucking in my anger by the ounces, "You're a lunatic you know that?"

"Oh this is making your welcome even better. Just leave you waste of a human."

She made a move back to the living but I caught her arm. I wasn't going to hurt her but she needed to hear this in case we never talk again after this night.

"I may be dick probably most of the time, but at the least I have the balls to admit it. You... You're the queen of mixed signals and I'm bored with it. And I don't wanna say I told you so about Brian either. Then again, maybe I do. Stop being a brat and let your drama go. Open your fucking eyes Mia."

I think I set a fire alarm off because she grew a thousand times stronger and shoved me against the wall. "Get out."

"No." I stood my ground. Her little girl moves aren't going to distract me.

Her fists pounded my chest. For a girl, she hits pretty rough, almost like a boxer. I took it. Boy did I take it. I finally held her wrists above her head. She was thrashing about like a mental patient before the sedative is injected. I really feel sorry for all of this. She's so... broken. It was her problems, not mine. It was her place, her life.

But I didn't want to leave. I was intending on not doing that. Maybe she doesn't need a guy but she does need this. Somebody.

"You're not alone. You don't have to feel so sad anymore." I said this in her ear as her jostling dwindled down slowly.

"You can't begin to understand what I go through. You haven't walked a day in my life to know anything."

"I know I'm not leaving. Please understand. Please... Mia!" I struggled against her last ounce of strength.

I held her at the strongest level that I could hold her. But this time I wasn't holding her. I didn't attempt to embrace her or anything. I didn't need super strength anymore. This time, she wouldn't let go. I gulped. Wow. I never heard cries so harsh in my life. It was like listening to a wounded animal crying for the first time. She pulled me in and I let her. That's as best as I could put it.

She crumbled to the ground, taking me along with her. Hearing those cries was so deafening. I really couldn't hold myself back anymore. I completely took her in my arms and welcomed everything she was letting out. Everything. I stroked her long hair and tried to do whatever I could to assure her things were going to be OK.

She started saying something but it was difficult to understand with the muffled cries masking the attempts. I managed to get some of it though.

"I don't think you know what it feels like to be alone. You don't know. You're s-surrounded by people every day. You have tons of friends. Your family. Parents. You don't realize how hard it is to b-breathe sometimes when you're just counting the minutes. The seconds. You just don't know."

I took all of this very seriously. I had to. She was confessing a secret. Maybe I don't really know what it’s like to be her, true. But I do know what feels like to be alone. Believe it or not I've had my share of those mangled moments of "nobody cares" thoughts seeping through me at times. And I do know what it feels like to cry yourself to sleep even though I know I'm going to have a fun day being me. Sometimes I really hate being me. I get tired of the same girls that would hit me up for a night cap or a happy. I know it sounds like I'm absolutely off my gourd but it’s the truth. I am sick of sleeping around some days.

I get tired of girls running on a lean mixture all the time. Most of them, just their voices alone would make me be jealous of the deaf. Sometimes I can't deal with it. Their lack of substance. Heart. I never believed any of them were human anyway. It’s not like I didn't know this and just slept with them because they were a hot piece of ass. But then, I couldn't think of any other reason why I do it. Then again, how else are you going to kill loneliness?

We leaned against the wall, sitting on the cold foyer. I was still silent. I think if I spoke at this point she'd sure kick me out even if it’s a condolence. So I just sat there, with my head against the wall and her in my arms. I felt her move around against my chest and it was making me uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do. I just kept holding her.

"Josh?" she asked as she sat up, looking at me.

"Why are you really here?" She looked hurt.

I couldn't decipher why she wanted to know so badly. I felt myself looking at her. I couldn't bring myself to look away. It was like I was stuck. I was left with two options. Tell the truth, good that'll do me, or, tell her what she wants the hear. Neither were lies. Doesn't she want me to tell the truth though? I was there because I wanted to be, but that seems to be the part I can't get out. Then there's the reassuringly vague answer of "things will be ok, im here ok."

Yeah, its getting harder and harder to lie. "Where else would I be? Where do you want me to be?"

I didn't mean for those to be questions but I feel like I was speaking from a different place. Its as a part of me has been dusted off and reborn.

Her face was confusing. It was like I was speaking a foreign language. "I don't understand. Why are you asking me that?"

"Because I'm stuck OK? I can't give you a proper answer. And I can't give you what you want to hear either. I can't lie."

"So don't. Be straight. Don't play games. If you have something to say, then say it."

I blurted out, "Brian doesn't care about you."

Fuck. Shit. I really fucked up now. I know I said some version of that before and she probably didn't really care. I think she was believing me right now. Her eyes filled with tears and she began to get up and walk away. Before I could process what just happened she had already gone to her room and shut the door. The slam nearly cut me inside. Now I was really stuck. I really can't believe I said that. If only I can take it all back. All I said that hurt her. The pain I saw on her face was too much.

I know my next movements should have been out the door. What more could I add to this disaster? God knows I caused enough damage as is. I know that. I feel it now. The old me is just wrong. I didn't even know the old me. I had to tell her something. I know it may seem like I'm making things worse with my presense but I have to make things right.

She has to know what I really meant.

I picked myself up and walked beside her room. Even from the outside I could still feel her pain. It was like tiny spiders crawling over my body. The selfish thing to do would be to pry them off and be on my way. But that's not what needs to happen. I can't hurt her. Not her.

I placed my hand on the door as if she was against it. Wishful thinking. She might be on her bed, in the bathroom, as farthest away from the door as possible. I don't know why I feel her so close. Maybe I want it to be that way. The heat radiating from the door was burning my hand and I was forced to peel it off slowly, regaining my sense.

"Mia... I--" I stuttered, I needed to expunge my nerves.

"I know you're not going to open the door. I get that. I know I should leave like you want me to. That I get too. I would be remised if I didn't say this if we never talk again. I didn't mean what I said before just to hurt you. It wasn't the right words. I'm so sorry." Yes, I was begging, it was a sad sight.

Man it was so quiet it terrified me. Fuck! Why can't I leave already? If I've always hated begging, apologizing and caring what other people thought of what I say then why am I still here? What is she doing to me?

"Go away please." She sniffed and turned the lock on the door.

Damn it. Alright, just will yourself to leave. Do it. Move your legs and turn around. Its all a matter of will--

The scene came to a hault when the doorbell rang. Balls.

I stared at the door and barely noticed as Amelia opened unlocked the door and swung it open.

"Hide." She said simply.