“I’m going to break up with him, Hannah.”

The silence I’m met with on the other end of the line isn’t doing anything to reassure me and run my hand through my hair, completely agitated.

“Did you hear what I said?”

“Of course I did,” Hannah says, her voice welcoming and somewhat calming to my nerves. “You said you’re going to break up with Justin.”

I jump up from the couch I had just sat down in as her words met my ears. “I said I’m going to break up with Justin.”

“Exactly. So what’s changed in the last twenty four hours? When I talked to you yesterday you said everything was great between the two of you.”

“It was. But then this morning…he told me he loves me, Hannah.”

It’s quiet and then I can hear her drawing in a heavy breath. “Oh boy.”

“LOVE, Hannah. Not ‘I care about you’ or ‘You mean a lot to me’. Love. What do I even do with that?”

“So you don’t love him back.”

“I…” I drop back down to the couch. “I don’t know what I feel.”

“Could it possibly be love?”

“I like him, Hannah. A lot. But love him?”

“It’s been over two months. I could see that being a normal emotion to feel.”

So maybe I more than like Justin. But I was in no way ready to utter the words ‘love’. It’s sad and pathetic but at twenty five, I’ve never been in love before. My longest relationship was too casual to even consider using that word.

“Honestly, I don’t think I’d know it if I felt it.”

“You would know it if you felt it, Cassandra. And from how you talk about him and from what I saw of the two of you together, you’re further into this than just liking him.”

I hate that the thought scares me. I shouldn’t feel like this after hearing ‘I love you’ from someone I care about so much. I shouldn’t be considering breaking up with him over it.

“What exactly happened?”

I close my eyes as I remember this morning. “I was downstairs and making us breakfast and he came down and he just came out and said it.”

“What did you say?”

“I didn’t say anything at first and right away he said that if I wasn’t ready to say anything back, he didn’t want me to.”

“Well that’s good.”

“It was awkward,” I argue with a groan. “You don’t want someone to say that to you and then not be ready to say it back.”

“He was obviously feeling it so he went ahead and said it. And it sounds like he understands that you aren’t ready to say it. So what’s this crap about you breaking up with him?”

I sigh and curl into the corner of the couch, wishing I could sink so far into the cushions I wouldn’t ever have to emerge again. “I don’t know.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t this the same thing that happened with Jared?”

I frown a bit. I guess I was hoping she wouldn’t remember that.

“You went out with him for like three months and you broke up with him when he said he loved you.”

“That was different,” I say, trying to defend myself. “He wasn’t in love with me and I wasn’t in love with him and him saying that he was told me that I should end things.”

“Uh huh.” Hannah sounds unconvinced. “Still sounds the same to me.”

“It’s not,” I say with as much conviction as I can muster.

“So why are you breaking up with him then?”

I lean my head against the side arm of the couch and stare across the room. “He just moves so fast and it scares me.”

“He said what he’s feeling, Cassandra. You can’t break up with him over that. And he said he wanted you to wait until you felt it to say it. It doesn’t sound like he’s pressuring you.”

I turn my face into the armrest and close my eyes. I know what she’s saying is true but I can’t help the twinge of panic that’s inside of me. I hate to admit it but people are right when they say commitment scares me. I want to run from it but I know that would be the stupidest thing I could do right now. What I feel for Justin is deep and I don’t want to ruin it.

“So I’m not going to break up with Justin.”

“That’s what I thought. So what you need to do is figure this out and stop freaking out. Having a guy like Justin say he loves you is NOT a bad thing. Trust me.”

She’s telling me what I already know. “You’re right.”

“And when you feel it you’ll know. So don’t stress about it, okay?”

I lift my head from the cushion and nod. “Okay.”

“You going to be alright?”

“Yeah. Thanks for talking to me.”

“Always.”

After hanging up with her, I stretch out on the couch and roll onto my back. I know everything Hannah says is right and I’m freaking out over something I really shouldn’t. But love…Love is permanent. You can’t just walk away from love. Love is commitment. Love is this huge step in comparison to the baby steps I’ve been taking and I don’t know if I’m ready for a leap like that.

* * *

I knew telling Cassie that I love her was going to freak her out. I knew she wouldn’t know what to say and probably wouldn’t respond. I didn’t expect her to leave my house ten minutes after I said it but I guess it shouldn’t be that much of a surprise.

I really hope I didn’t scare her off. I should have waited to say it but when I came downstairs this morning and saw her standing at the counter, simply wearing one of my t-shirts and some socks, making toast, the wave of emotion that came over me was so strong that I had to say it or I was going to explode. It had just burst out of my mouth and she had turned to me, her eyes wide and I watched as her breathing sped up. I had quickly told her that she didn’t have to say it back and she just nodded and went back to the food. Ten minutes later, she was dressed in her own clothes and saying something about needing to go to the store. I was pretty sure that was a lie but I let her go without question, deciding it wouldn’t be a good idea to push things. I said what I needed to say and now she knows.

I tried to go about my day as I always would after she left but a feeling of dread had settled itself in my stomach, making it impossible to pretend things were normal. What if telling her I love her is enough to push her commitment phobia self over the edge? This could just make her distance herself from me. Telling her that I love her when she wasn’t ready for it could have been a really stupid mistake.

My mind was in overtime when the doorbell rang that afternoon. I put down the newspaper I had been attempting to read for the past hour and went to answer the door. When I opened it and saw Cassie standing there, mixed feeling of happiness and dread wove through me. This could either be good or really bad.

“Hey,” I say, ushering her into the house. “I thought you were going to the store.”

“I lied,” she quickly says, pushing her shoes off. She runs a hand through her hair and looks around. She’s nervous. “I have to talk to you.”

“Okay,” I say and lead her out of the hallway and into the kitchen. “Is it about this morning?”

She nods and opens her mouth to speak but I cut her off.

“I know you probably weren’t ready to hear what I said and maybe I should have just waited,” I get out quickly. I lift my hands to run up and down her arms. “Please don’t freak out.”

“I’m not.” She pauses. “Okay, so I was. But I’m not anymore.”

I let my hands rest on her wrists. “You don’t have to feel the same way. I’m not pressuring you.”

“It’s just…” She trails off and looks to the side. She pulls her arms away from me and wraps them around herself. “I’ve…I’ve never been in love before, okay?”

This is news to me and I try and keep the surprised look off my face. “You haven’t?”

A small laugh, lacking in humor, escapes her. “No. Isn’t that stupid? Twenty five years old and never been in love.”

“It’s not stupid,” I quickly say. “Don’t think that. It doesn’t make you any less of a human to have not experienced that.”

“It’s just a little ridiculous.” Her voice lowers to almost a whisper. “I know that I freak out at commitment and that I need to change that because I’m not going to get very far in life if I don’t.”

I don’t say anything, not wanting to risk the chance of her stopping. This is probably the most open she’s ever been with me and I don’t want to ruin it.

“Love means commitment and that does scare me. But that’s okay. Because doing this all with you makes it a little less scary.”

I’m smiling as I pull her tightly against me in a hug. Having her tell me that she loves me too would be amazing but hearing her say this is almost as good. It’s just a promise for our future. “Good.”

Her hands lightly run up my back before settling on my shoulders. “Just…just be patient with me. This is all new to me.”

“Take as much time as you need,” I murmur into her hair. “There’s no rush with any of this.”

She nods and I rest my chin on the top of her head and breathe in deeply. She’s making no move to pull away and I contently hold her close to me. I want to tell her that maybe the reason she isn’t feeling as strongly as I do is because of this mess she’s got going on in her head. All these hang up she has about getting close to someone is making it impossible for her to feel the same deep emotions that I’m feeling for her. I want to tell her that she needs to just let it all go and things will make it so much easier.

Those are things she needs to figure out for herself though. She’s got things that she has to work through and I shouldn’t be doing it for her. Until then, I have to just be content with what she can give me and after hearing what she had to say, I think I can do that.