2. Fall Apart Today
I do not understand women. I know that’s probably the most obvious statement in the world, seeing as I am a man and men, in general, do not understand women. But sometimes I feel like I understand women even less than the average male. I know it’s probably not true, but sometimes it’s hard not to feel sorry for yourself when you’re completely confused by the actions of a member of the opposite sex.
Two weeks ago, I was walking one Miss Autumn Burke home late at night, hand in hand, and feeling like I was the luckiest man in the world. Which is sort of lame in and of itself, but we don’t need to get into that right now. The point is, I was finally making some progress. But since then? Things are exactly the same as they were before. She still smiles at me and gives me the remaining coffee at the end of the night, but she makes no effort for conversation and she always disappears before I have a chance to say much at all to her.
Don hasn’t been much help. I asked for his advice about the situation and all he could say was, “Chicks are fucked up, dude. Don’t even worry about it.” I can tell you one thing, I certainly didn’t become friends with the guy because of his insight.
And I hate to admit it, but it’s really been getting to me. I’ve started spending so much time up in Wheat Ridge at that coffee shop, hoping for a chance to talk to Autumn and find out what’s going on, that people are starting to think I’ve moved up there. It’s all well and good to live in a small town where you know everyone, but for everyone in said small town to know you because you’re obsessing over a girl is not nearly as nice and charming.
I swear to God I’m not usually like this. I’m just really into this girl and I got the impression from the hand holding (which, might I remind you, she initiated) and such that she was kind of into me too. It’s hard not to obsess a little when you thought you knew what was going on in your life and you suddenly find out that you don’t. Don says I’m acting like a girl. I don’t think he’s being fair. But, like I said before, I can’t say I wouldn’t say the exact same thing to him if he were acting the way I’ve been acting. I know he’s right, I just don’t want to admit it.
On the bright side, I’ve been writing some pretty kickass songs in those hours spent up in Wheat Ridge. I’m supposed to start recording my demo in a week and I think some of the stuff I’ve come up with lately is better than a lot of the songs I’ve been playing for years. So maybe I should thank Autumn for screwing with my head.
Tonight I’ve just finished playing a kickass set of those kickass songs, if I do say so myself. I’m feeling pretty good about myself right now, so I’ve made up my mind to make Autumn talk to me when she comes back out with my coffee whether she likes it or not. Naturally, I hope she’ll like it, but you can’t always have everything, right?
It seems like hours pass before she’s finally walking towards me with my coffee and that smile on her face. She hands it to me and says, “great set tonight. I’ll see you later,” then turns to walk away.
“Autumn, wait,” I stop her immediately. She turns to face me, looking at me expectantly and suddenly I’m not feeling so confident anymore. Seriously, I used to be really good at the whole girl thing. Trust me on this. If you don’t believe me, I have many former girlfriends you are free to call. I’m sure they’ll back me up on this. Well, most of them. Don’t call Carrie, she hates my guts. Tanya, too. Also, I wouldn’t recommend mentioning my name to Alisa. The rest of them will definitely back me up, though.
“Yeah?” Autumn asks when I don’t say anything.
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something.” I pat the spot next to me, inviting her to sit down and she does. “Listen, I don’t want this to sound weird or anything, but…you know I really like you, right?”
“Oh.” It’s more understanding than the surprised tone that she usually takes when she says, “oh,” and I’m not really sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I wait for her to say something else, confirming or denying that she knows about my feelings, but she seems to feel that she’s given an appropriate response and now she’s just staring at her feet.
“Yeah,” I continue. “I mean, the other night when we went and got dessert, I guess I just thought that you…well, I thought maybe you kind of felt the same way, but now-“
“I know,” she cuts me off. “I know, I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have gone with you that night. I’m sorry.”
“Oh.” She may as well have just punched me in the stomach, because that’s how I feel now. Winded and hurt and like I can’t really respond to what she just said. I’m also more than a little confused. “So you’re not…? I mean, you’re not interested?”
“No, it’s not that,” she responds hastily. “I was. I mean, I am. Sort of. It’s just…I’ve got a lot on my plate right now, Justin, and I really don’t think that I should be getting involved with anyone. I’m sorry if I led you on. I mean, I know I kind of did. I guess I wanted it to work out or something, but after I went home I thought about it and…I just really don’t want to date anyone right now. You understand, right?”
No. “Yeah, of course.”
“Good. I’m really sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
She smiles and gives me a kiss on the cheek and I almost forget that she just said anything I didn’t want to hear. She reaches towards my guitar and looks at me for permission.
“Do you mind?”
“No, go ahead.”
She starts strumming and we both sit there silently for a few minutes as she does so. I had no idea that she even knew how to play the guitar, but she’s sitting here playing it like it’s all she’s ever done in life. It’s kind of beautiful and it might make me like her even more if I weren’t feeling so confused right now.
“Do you want to go get something to eat?” I finally ask her. I hastily add, “You know, just as friends.”
She smiles, keeping her gaze more on the guitar than on me. “I’m not so sure that’s such a good idea.”
“Oh. Right. Sure.”
“I could really go for some pickles right now, though, I’m not gonna lie,” she continues amidst the music she’s playing. “And ice cream. That’s all I’ve wanted to eat lately. Pickles and ice cream. Yesterday I felt like I was gonna die if I didn’t get some.”
“Yeah, my cousin used to have cravings like that,” I reply. “But that was when she was pregnant.”
Autumn just glances at me and smiles, then returns her gaze back to her fingers and the way they’re moving across the guitar strings. “Yeah.”
“Oh.” Something about the way she says, “yeah,” makes it click for me. Sheila’s reaction to Autumn’s request for decaf coffee, the comment that she has too much on her plate right now, the cravings…God, I had no idea. She can’t be that far along yet, she isn’t even showing. “Oh!”
“Yeah,” she repeats. She’s still smiling, but it’s more of a sad smile now, and now I can’t help asking…
“Where’s the father?”
“Oh, he’s, uhh…it’s complicated,” she laughs. “We broke up about two weeks before I found out because he was going away to Iraq and we just thought it was best if we didn’t try to keep things going while he was gone. Then, of course, I find out I’m pregnant. Figures, right?”
“Did you tell him?”
“Yeah. That was a great telephone conversation.” She laughs again. “Actually, he was really good about it. Said he would be there for me and the baby and we’d figure it all out when he got back. I just felt bad, you know? The last thing he needed over there was to be worrying about me and a baby.”
“It’s not your fault,” I assure her. My heart is practically exploding with emotions right now. Between the shock at finding out this girl I’ve been infatuated with for what has now been months is pregnant with another man’s baby and the sympathy I feel for her, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sick with my feelings.
“I know, but still.” She glances at me again and smiles that smile I’ve grown to love so much.
We’re both silent again for a while and I sit there in my shock listening to her play my guitar and trying to decide what else I should say. This isn’t exactly a situation that I encounter every day and I have no idea how to handle it. Why didn’t anyone tell me?
“Does that have words?” I finally opt to talk to her about whatever it is she’s playing. It seems safe enough.
She nods.
“Can I hear them?”
She nods again and without another word, she begins singing.
I don't want us to fall apart today or ever
You're the one who said you'd never leave
There's no good reason for giving up
All this mess is just bad luck
So please don't lose your confidence in me
I immediately regret asking to hear the lyrics. It’s obvious who they’re about, and somehow that didn’t even occur to me. Her voice is beautiful and the melody is beautiful, but none of that can drown out the awful feeling that I’m getting from hearing her sing about this other man.
I wish I wasn't so fragile
‘Cause I know that I'm not easy to handle
Oh baby please
Don't forget you love me
Don't forget you love me
Today
Oh my baby please
Don't forget you love me
Don't forget you love me
Today
I don't wanna feel like this
But I'm so tired of missing you
I don't wanna beg for your time
I want you mine, all mine
I wish I wasn't so fragile
‘Cause I know that I'm not easy to handle
Oh baby please
Don't forget you love me…
Her voice cracks as she begins the chorus again and when she stops singing, I realize that there are a few tears rolling down her cheek. For a minute I don’t know what to do because I’m a man and we’re generally not good at dealing with crying girls, but then I do what I know I have to and put my arm around her. Her head drops onto my shoulder and I can hear her sniffling that much more clearly. I try to think of something comforting to say, but I’m not very good at that either.
“Hey, it’s okay,” I try to assure her. “I’m sure it’ll be fine. When he comes back I’m sure you guys will get back together and everything will be fine. You’ll see.”
At this, she starts crying harder and I immediately wish I’d just kept my mouth shut. I obviously just said the completely wrong thing and I have no idea why until she finally speaks through her tears.
“He’s not coming back,” she says. “He's...he's gone. He’s not coming back.”
I’m suddenly overcome with the feeling that I’m going to puke and for the millionth time tonight I have no idea how to respond to her. So I don’t respond, instead just opting to wrap my other arm around her as she continues crying onto my shoulder. Over her head I can see it’s started snowing outside. It’s only the first week of November and normally it wouldn’t be snowing yet, but lately it’s just been colder than usual and I’m not really surprised to see the flakes falling, making the bare trees look sad and melancholy.
Chapter End Notes:
Song lyrics from "Fall Apart Today" by Schuyler Fisk
Incomplete
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