SPUN:
1: where do I begin…
“So that's it then…we’re over. Just like that…”
“I guess so… baby we aren’t happy we both know that…as much as I love you, this
life…it’s just not for Me.” she said holding my hand. How could she not be happy, id
given her my all…I just didn’t understand.
“I love you too.” And I did, for over three years we’d been together - been
through it all…and now she was just walking out of my life.
“God this is hard.” She said as she visibly held back the tears.
“Then don’t leave…stay…or ill go with you?”
She just shook her head.
“J it’s a charity drive in Africa, now I know you….even there you'd stick out like a
sore thumb baby, and I need to do this…for me and its not fair on you…I need to
get away from this life, I need a fresh start.”
“With out me…I know you need this and im trying to support it…but I just don’t how
to BE, without you…” I paused for a second, it was then I just had to
wonder, “Harri what happened to us?”
“Baby we just grew – up and apart from each other our lives are destined for
different things, I know that now…. but I do love you….” She kissed my forehead
sweetly.
“I love you too…always…” I kissed her lips once and pulled back – unsure for the
first time ever how to act around her. She shooed that thought away the second
she kissed me full force on the lips.
That led to a real kiss, several infact…that led to the last time I imagined we’d ever
make love….
She was leaving the next day, I fell in love with her heart and now she and it was
leaving me to help others. Ill admit at that moment I was really ticked off with
the “less fortunate”, they got her and I was left alone….
Never before had I experienced a break up that involved sex, love, and
promises….it was an end that felt like a beginning.
And in a way it was…
I guess in order to fill you in; I should begin as they say at the beginning.
Just one question, are you ready for this - Are you ready to be spun?
I met Shaharra almost four years to the day that she left. I was doin my thing in the MTV studios in the city of amazement that is and was New York. At the time she was working her way up the production ladder, she was then a lowly secretary.
But I fell right then and there as she and I literally bumped heads. Damn elevators I tell you.
She was coming out I was rushing in…and so it began.
She smiled at me awkwardly, I apologised left right and centre just like my
momma taught me.
I was nothing if not a gentleman.
“No, no it’s my fault sir I wasn’t lookin-“
“Sir?” I laughed out loud, I was 19 she didn’t look a day older and I sure as hell
wasn’t a “sir” “Girl watch who you callin’ sir here okay…Im not that old you know…”
She smiled at looked at her feet, still holding the massive stack of papers.
“Im Justin by the way and you are?” apart from being cute as hell…
“Im Shaharra, and I know who you are….your the one who made it damn near
impossible to get in here today…” she smirked, again looking at her feet. I just
wish I could catch those eyes….
“Oh and why is that Shaharra?”
“Well Justin” she stressed my name as I finally met her chocolate eyes with swirls
of caramel in them as she looked me up and down. “Apparently if you’re under 85
and have breasts we have to be “i d’d” in case we’d attack you or some shit…” well
she sure changed her tune, it wasn’t sir but shit she was spouting now. I had to
laugh she seemed so irritated so quickly.
“Im sorry I caused all of that, did you have a hard time getting in or something?”
“Well yes…I started here Monday and my pass with my id wasn’t ready in time and
it won’t be for the rest of the week. So getting the security convinced I wasn’t just
another obsessed fan, well it was difficult as hell and I was super late too…” she
stopped ranting and looked up at me again this time I spotted it- she was
embarrassed.
“Oh god listen to me…I just don’t know when to shut up really it’s a problem…”
“No its fine…and im sorry again. Though to be honest you do look like one of our
fans…” she snapped her head my way again.
“Oh and why is that?”
“Well…you know all Nsync’s fans are HOT girl…and you fit the bill nicely…” yeah
corny I know but what do you want I was 19….it seemed fine at the time. And
luckily she fell for my goofy yet loveable charm. She giggled, and smiled. From
her eyes too that's how I knew she was genuine.
“I guess I should take that as a compliment?”
“You most definitely should…what do you here anyway?”
with that she rolled her eyes, “secretary…On TRL at the minute…three years
training in production and this is what I do….but im not complaining, gotta start
somewhere!” she smiled, this time I knew it wasn’t real…couldn’t say I blamed her,
working all day everyday with Carson Daly - well that would kill anyone’s spirit.
“Daly?”
“yeah…meeting now, so…” and with that at the 25th floor the door “binged” and out
she stepped in allowing me to get a good look at her. She had a nice frame, about
5’ 3’ creamy caramel skin with her long hair just pined back. And needless to say
she had a booty to rival a certain Ms Knowles…only hers didn’t look as enormous, but in a really good way. It fitted just nicely for her petite frame.
Very nicely if I do say so myself, after that I didn’t see her again for at least six
months. Then we we’re due on TRL again for the release of the new album –
Celebrity. And I saw her again.
She looked different, more assured…confident, and completely ignoring me.
In the green room she was briefing some people; I was sitting with JC waiting to
go on.
“Hello again.” I offered as she stood over us with her schedules in hand.
“Hi.” She didn’t look up. And I had to admit to being a little hurt at that. I was
newly single – even though no one knew…and I liked her…her look at that point
anyway.
“Justin and JC you’re on just after the top 8 song then after that we’ll go straight
into the interview with Carson, sample some tracks and then just before the
number one song you’ll do the fan thing….ok”
“Okay that's great thanks.” JC said as I did everything I subconsciously could think
of to get her to talk to me.
It didn’t work.
Needless to say it didn’t stay that way, sure I went after her…sure I all but
cornered her until she talked to me…but I did it in my own charming roundabout
non stalkerish way that she seemed to find endearing.
“You know had anyone else followed me down two hallways and into an empty
office I think id be scared…” she smiled handing me a small cup filled with ice
water.
“Sorry I just didn’t think you remembered me…” I said, and yeah I know how
dumb it sounded.
“Like that could happen…” she smiled again, and I was beginning to like seeing
that look on her.
“So you like it here now?”
“No…but its okay…And Carson isn’t the ass most people expect…I mean he IS an
ass, but just not like some people expect. And the pay’s cool…so its fine.”
“Wow you sound so overwhelmed…” I scoffed and he nudged me off her desk
“Well so damn sorry we can’t all have an amazing self rewarding job like you Mr Timberlake…”
“Well ms….” I realised I didn’t know her last name. And she twigged too, staring in
that expectant way – she was making me suffer.
“Uhh…um, whats your last name?”
She laughed again at that, letting up finally.
“Its Green, Shaharra Green.”
“Thanks…”I added finally.
“Umm Justin speaking of a job, don’t you have to be going??” she noted the time.
“OH SHIT!!! I do” I made my way out of the office “But um…could we maybe go
out sometime…maybe?” Lame I know, but again I hadn’t asked a girl out in a long
while what was I supposed to do.
“Yeah maybe….goodbye Justin…” she waved me off.
“See ya Shaharra…”
And I did, for coffee three days later, we talked we laughed and she's told me
later in the relationship that then is when she fell in love with me, right then. And
id have to agree with her.
She just had this…aura I guess that I was drawn too.
It wasn’t all smooth sailing, by any means. We dated on and off for six months we
did the whole “Long distance” thing, and I can tell you it sucked.
There was mistrust insecurities and apprehension, and that was just me. when we
didn’t get to each other for weeks on end, we’d fight just mainly I guess because
we were scared…
Or at least I was. She was alone most of the time, as was I…and when we’d finally get to BE together it was rushed and not nearly long enough for us to get into it.
The long and short of those six months was – we missed each other like crazy,
and you know what they say absents makes the heart grow fonder…its so true.
It also make you as horny as hell. We broke up, she dated other guys….Okay well
one other guy – Adam something…ASS…that bucked me up. So I did what I had to
in order to win her back – I told her the truth.
Then I professed my love for her after I thought id lost her it was hard for me to
open up again, but it took me almost losing her to show me how much she meant
to me, thankfully she realised I was stupid and in need of serious looking after and
hey until now she hadn’t left me since.
We moved in almost a year after we got together and she moved to LA in order to
do that…It was a mammoth sacrifice for her, she was a New York girl born and
bread….LA was a change.
But for three years she headed my production company – she loved her job and I
loved her in it.
I just loved her, and I thought we were fine….but looking back on it.
We weren’t…near the end of our run we were fighting so much, we we’re basically
just going through the motions. We rowed for days on end; she left me a few
times…then id beg for her forgiveness and get her back and it would be all sex and
roses for at least a month. But it wore off and we fought again and again.
She was right we weren’t happy.
But all in all I knew id never love another woman like I loved her….
When she left to do her thing in Africa, something she had been wanting to do she told me since she was a little girl, I knew she’d be out of the states for at least two
months. I admired her for what she was doing. She was leaving everything just to
help…just to help. Id never done that, given up my life for something so pure.
Ill admit that ive “given” to charities, but she always seemed to think that, that
wasn’t the right way to do things…that in order to really help we had to be “hands
on”. She felt that way about everything she did…it was one of the many things I
loved about her…she said that in order to do something you had to do it right. And
she was…for those who needed her more than she thought I did.
She was wrong, I needed her.
********
Leaving him was hard, scratch that it was fucking excruciating – he was the love of
my life.
Whats that old saying, cant live with them or without them? Well that's how it was
with us.
He was my world; I grew into the woman I am today in major part – thanks to him.
He was forced to grow up at a real early age, on the outside anyway…so when I
came along I guess it was just his way of letting lose. We’d party, drink and dance
all night, sleep on the roof just to see the sun rise before anyone else. We’d just
sit sometimes for hours on end in complete silence just looking at each other…
Sounds magical doesn’t it…well it was…and then it really, really wasn’t.
Because you see as much as we’d love, we’d fight…the territory of a passionate
relationship I guess…it has to manifest itself one way or the other, and the one
thing we definitely were was passionate – for each other.
It was our downfall…
We became wrapped up in our own little world…then we’d leave it and have to
work to insane schedules, we’d be apart for long times on end and then we’d fight
just too….well fight.
For a while it was ok because the making up was the best part of the fighting, but
sooner rather than later the making up just wasn’t happening, and we were always
at each other.
We weren’t happy. I needed to leave him before we ended up hating each other
So long as there was love between us we’d never be strangers – he told me that
once…
I really hope he meant it. I needed him to mean that, because as soon as I was in
touch with the people and the children that I wanted and intended to help…I miss his ass something rotten.
Id call once a week, I know not exactly “ex” behaviour…but what you have to
understand is, this man was my WHOLE life for almost three years…it was hard to
just let go…
So hard.
*****
I love hearing her voice on the other end of the line, for a while every week it was
like we were US again, but then she’d hang up and id end up alone in a huge dark
empty house.
She knew this, she knew I was moping…see she knew me THAT well…
“Justin come on we’ve talked about this…you need to go out…with Nick, or Trace or
SOMEONE anyone…Please? You need to find a girl and just…”
“You want me laid that badly???” Id laugh, she’d scowled me.
“No, I want you to move on baby…please? I don’t like the idea of you there
alone...”
“So then come home and I won’t be…” I hoped.
“J…” I knew the tone, the “not this again tone”
“Harri…”
“You want me to hang up?” she threatened.
“No…”
“So then promise me you’ll leave the house this weekend and go to a club or
something…Mingle…dance…”
“Are you doin that?”
“Boy do you know where I am? There are people here with Nothin…it’s amazing…
they have nothing and somehow they just embrace everything like it might be
their last breath…its eye opening”
I wish I was with her…
“So you have to move on before you wallow into your caveman phase.”
“How did-“
She always hated the beard.
“I know…I can practically hear the scratching…Now go shower shave and go
mingle. It’s an order.”
“You’re not the boss of me any more missy…” I joked hoping she wasn’t serious.
“That’s right J am not…so go find some to boss you…you need it…”
I did, I went out with my pimp game ready and waiting. I went to the most “be
seen at” club of the week. That week it turned out to be “spider” I met/ I mingled
just like I was told…but none of them held up to her, not even a little bit.
“So what do you do?” I asked while dancing with this cute brunette I think her
name was Linda
“Im a model, don’t you see it??”
Wow conceeeeited
“Uhh yeah I see it…you’re very…”
“I know!” she spinned and grinded, hard… not only was she conceited but she was
kinda a whore.
“Well okay then…”
I know I shouldn’t have but maybe I should…I wasn’t even sure I wasn’t attached I
was in theory at least – free and single.
So I asked her back to my place, let her do as much of the talking as possible
(guess who her favourite topic was???* And then…I had sex with her.
And I won’t front and lie and say I didn’t enjoy it…model girl…uhh Linda that's right
she had some moves.
But she wasn’t Shaharra….
But I came to – no pun intended- a conclusion that night.
If I was like she said “to move on” id need to let her go…I needed to, for one thing
stop with the calls. As much as I love it, they weren’t healthy…
But I was scared, I was scared for her NOT to be there…for real this time.
But I knew it had to be done.
“Harri you know I love hearing you and all of what your doin’” I began “but what
you were sayin’ about us and moving on an all?”
“Yeah…”
“Well I…just think that maybe if we keep this up that it might not happen!” god
man get some balls just tell her!
“What are you talkin about j?”
“What a mean is….its like this…these call, I love em and you know I wait for em’
but I can move on right if we…you keep….”
I didn’t need to continue, not that I could…
“I see…you want the calls to stop. You want me to stop callin’”
“I think we need it…” I stalled.
“I knew that, I knew that the first time I called. I just needed you to be the one
to…”
“Say it?” I finished for her.
“Yeah…to say it in your own little roundabout way…” she giggled. “So THIS is really
it then….” She took a deep breath I heard it over the line.
“It has to be…”
“Right…well baby, have a nice life…” she sniffled; I knew she’d cry when she hung
up, and the more feminine part of me can’t really blame her.
“You too harri, you too.”
At that moment I thought that was the last time id ever hear from her…ooh buy
was I wrong!!!
You won’t believe what happened next…..
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