Guilty Conscience....

I agreed with her mainly out of guilt, Id done it again and I really just could not it out. When I was around her, my instincts just took over and all I wanted to do was kiss her and touch her. I was meant to be in love with another woman, but the more time I spent with Harri and then Libby, I just questioned every move I made with Carmen. I did not not love her, despite everything she did, the amount of rows we had over what she did, what I did…all of it I still wanted to be with her.

I just could not bring myself to leave her. She made me smile; she was goofy and happy go lucky most of the time.

Then there was Harri, a woman that over the years has given me so much, and now she added this amazing little girl in to the "gifts to Justin" column.

It sounds like a no brainer to most people. However, to me it seemed like the hardest thing ever. I knew we had a responsibility to our daughter and I had to honour that.

I had to suppress my urges, at least for now.

When Adam came back, I found myself constantly picking at him for every little thing. He loved the baby like she was his own he treated me like a princess, but I still found myself holding him back. That is right we still had not had "conventional" sex…we did “things” but I do not know what was holding me back I just could not take that step.It irked him and I knew that, I played on that

It annoyed Justin that he was with Libby when he wasn’t. Therefore, we got phone calls at all times of the day and night. It was driving everyone mad, and by everyone, I mean (Adam).

“I can’t fucking stand it! I mean it’s all of time!”

“I know its just he's…concerned” I reasoned

“Stop cursing…” I noted as he fed my baby.

“Thursday night, staying till Sunday” I waited for the argument.

“Again…He's looking for a place near by so that if he's here and we need some time to ourselves then it’s going to be easier.”“

“Well what? He wants to see his kid I can’t stop that!”

“I get that, what I don’t get is why he insists on going shopping with you, to dinner, lunch….I mean its fine he wants to see this little one but whys he always up in your business…”

“Chill…Please.”

He just pouted like a little kid. I swear sometimes it was as if I was a mother of two instead of one.

“I just think that sometimes you wish you were with him and not me…”

“What the hell gives you that idea?”

“The sex thing…the fact that we haven’t.”

Oh yeah that.

Before I could speak, he interrupted

“I know you had a baby and at first you were healing but now…it’s like almost five months; she's fine your fine but we still haven’t taken that step! Ive tried to be patient but now, it’s getting a little difficult.”

Ah ha the words of a frustrated man.

“I see…” I walked over him sliding my arms around his body.

“Adam I want to; it’s just there never seems to be any real time for us. If it’s not work for me, it’s yours, if it’s not Libby it’s my mom…but I want too.”

“Ok…” he smiled “how about when Justin gets here, we put him to work for a change and go out to dinner, and maybe a hotel…we’d get some real time alone for a change…”

It did sound nice, and id be lying if I said I didn’t want too…I did love him and I wanted to be with him, and I knew that if id just let the idea of Justin go out of my head then things would be fine.

“I like that idea, it seems like we really need it…and yeah it sounds like fun.”

He smile lit up. Yeah he really wanted to get laid….cant say I blame him.

When Thursday arrived and Justin showed "minus the ho" up we were already dressed to go out.

“Special occasion?” he asked not doubt noticing my new Chloe dress.

“Yes actually, we’re staying in the Hyatt for the night…” his face changed

“Oh…right well its swish there so I’m sure it'll be fun” I applied my lip-gloss as he stood behind me in the mirror, damn that shit looked GOOD. He was dressed down in just a faded pair of really nice, almost tight jeans for a change from that baggy shit; he was also rocking the long sleeve shirt under a tee. He was hot. But then again so was I, and so was the man I was about to go have sex with.

“Well, you look…really good.”

“Just good huh?” I smirked turning to face him. He just laughed “yeah, you always look good.”

I coughed, “so how’s…Catherine.”

“CARMEN and she's okay. She's in Mexico for the next week or so some modelling thing.”

“Are y’all okay?”

“Of course…its just she's…well she's really career focused right now and I hardly…you know what this isn’t the time, go out…have fun!” he forced a smile, he forgot I knew him inside out I knew his game face.

“Boy don’t front…what’s up?”

“It’s nothing really Har, go….” He guided me towards the door. Where it was lucky, my cab just pulled up.

“Okay well you have my cell, if anything comes up just please let me know!”

“Stop worrying, we’re going to have a blast.”

When I reached the hotel, I was welcomed with his smile first of all. He was all dressed up for dinner which was nice, he was nervous I could tell.

“So I take it blue eyed boy arrived….”

“He did, everything’s taken care off. So let’s just enjoy this.”

We chit chatted, we ordered we ate. We danced the night away and then we walked to our room.

I was nervous now, I knew he was still no matter how much we fronted.

“So…”

“So…” he agreed. As we opened the door, the room was amazing. It really was. The view, the colour scheme, the candles everywhere with slow jams playing on the CD player.

“You set all this up for me?”

“Sure did, I want you to be totally comfortable.” He smiled leading me further into the room, he was such a sweetheart.

“I love you Shaharra….”

“I…” with that the damn cell rang.

“Shit…One second.”

“Hello?”

“Harri sorry for calling its just I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find her pacifier”

“Oh well it’s on the drawers in my room, if its not there it’s in my desk.”

“Oh okay thanks, its just she's being a little hard to settle at the minute I’m trying everything…” I looked at Adam as J spoke to me on the other end of the phone.

“Well, if that's all…”

“It is, sorry again.” He clicked off. I sighed.

“Ah, were where we?”

“At I…” he rolled his eyes.

“Oh, yeah…Adam, I love you so much…you’ve been so good to me and so patient with me your practically a saint…I just need you to know I appreciate it.”

“Well your welcome, its worth it…I love being with you and Liberty…even if certain people keep getting in the way…” he smiled.

Then we kissed. And touched and progressed to the bed.

I was fully intending to do what he wanted so badly, and I wasn’t stopping it I was just…scared as to what it meant, when we had sex our relationship was sealed and Justin and I…we’re now even further apart.

We’d gotten pretty much into it, making out, getting half ass nekkid all of that good stuff.

And strangely enough I was really enjoying myself.

Then again you all know my luck, the damn phone rang AGAIN.

“Ignore it…” Adam all but moaned.

“I can’t what if something’s wrong…”

“It won’t be…He's doing fine with her…”

I wanted to, I really did. I wanted to get laid as much as him but then again I was a mother first and foremost.

“I’m sorry!” I scooted over to answer my phone as it sat on the nightstand.

“Yeah?” I answered. Then his panicked tone came over the line.

“Harri I know I’m interrupting but she's really warm, it’s not her normal temp…I took her temperature with the thing and its really high. She won’t eat and I don’t know what to do!”

“Jesus is she okay?”

“No she won’t stop crying, I’ve tried everything…water, calpol…everything but its not working she’s like in fits of screaming!….”

“Ok…” I panicked with him “get her to the doctor, ill be there as soon as I can…her doctor is DR Ross, if she's not in go on into the ER ill call you when I get there.”

Adam looked annoyed but he covered it with concern, “is she okay?”

“No she's got a high temp and she's not eating or sleeping…I’m sorry baby…”

“I get it…”

“No, I am so sorry…I wanted this just as much as you.”

He just rolled his eyes, “if you did then you would have shut that thing off like you said you would…” he began to get dressed

“Adam what the fuck, my baby is sick…I can’t just ignore that…”

“I know that okay, I know that you love her…what I also know is that he could have handled this on his own, it’s because of him that we cant get anywhere with this relationship….”

“is that what you really think?”

“YES! Look I really hope Libby is okay ,but kids get sick…all the time, tonight was supposed to be about us!”

I couldn’t believe he was being so selfish!

“you know what if you cant handle the fact that my daughter is my priority then I don’t know what the hell we’re doing here! I mean I come as a package and part of that is ill and needs me!”

“I KNOW! I love her too, believe me but I love you too and I hate that we have to just put everything on hold….”

I knew what he was getting at, he had been a saint with me but at that minute I just had more to deal with than this.

“Adam you know what, this is not working…your clearly aren’t happy…so I think that we should just…maybe take a break from this.”

“US?”

“Yes, I want you happy…I want me happy too…so until things settle down a little I think we should just cool it.” I got dressed as did he and I left in a cab to go see my daughter.

All the while holding back tears, wondering how in the hell I always managed to screw things up….was I wrong in wanting to be a good mother, sure id let my girlfriend duties slide but it was just because I was so new at the whole “mom” thing, surely there had to be a balance…a balance that id yet to find clearly.

*****

When I saw her coming through the door I expected Adam to be following close behind, he wasn’t strangely.

“Hey…where is she?”

“The doctor has her, he says she's fine…just a fever and nothing serious…Im sorry I called…”

“No, no don’t be silly I’m glad you did…”

“Where’s Adam is he parking the car?”

She shifted against the wall, “um no…he's not with me, we had this argument…and I think we broke up.”

WOW

“What?”

“Yeah, um…well I think we did im not really sure, he's just mad at me, I was mad at him…”

I didn’t know whether or not to push this, but she seemed upset.

“Do you mind if I ask why?”

“You’ll laugh…” she sighed as she sat in one the orange plastic chairs in the waiting room, I then sat next to her.

“No I wont, it’s me here…”

“Uhh, well okay…it’s mainly because we…haven’t had sex yet”

YES!! Oh sensitive…right.

“Oh…”

“See told you it was dumb…” she shrugged.

“No, its not…it’s just…Im surprised…I thought you too were tight you know?”

She rolled her eyes. “we are…were…its just there wasn’t any time for it to be right you know…and I never felt 100% comfortable with the idea after Libby was born…weird I know.”

“Harri its normal, and completely understandable and if underpants dude didn’t satisfy you I understand…” I smirked.

“ASS, see I knew you’d make fun of this!!” she stood up.

“Well you know, those billboards man…its probably misleading, he stuffs it you know!” I signalled my below belt area.

“Justin shut up!!” she smiled finally nudging me playfully. “Lets go take our baby home…I need some sleep.”

When we got to her, she was sleeping. The doctor had given her a shot that took down her temp and calmed her down. It wasn’t anything abnormal, add that to the fact it was almost 2 am, it was no wonder she was out for it.

We got her all the way to her crib and she was still out cold.

“Oh god, what a day…”

“I know, I’ve gotten so used to flying at the minute I dream I’m on planes all the time!!” she handed me my hot chocolate, and I reframed from making any comments on her being my hot chocolate…she still looked fucking amazing, even after being rushed, and frazzled.

“Well when she's older and hopefully our lives will be a little more settled we can arrange something, more permanent.”

“Really? Like what?”

“You know I don’t mind that, I love seeing her…” she looked away. “And you…I love that we do this still…”

“What? Be civilized?” she chuckled at me, sipping her own chocolate.

“yeah that…and this, us just being…Normal I guess when there is so much about and around us that just isn’t normal…” that was the understatement.

“ yeah…hey I forgot to ask you…are the rumours true?” she smiled winking.

“The ones in STAR, saying you and Cara are getting married…” I wasn’t even going to TRY and correct her, it seemed to be our thing.

“I don’t know, but it did strike me as funny…but the ring you gave her does look amazing.” She nodded, and I still had no clue what she was on.

“This…” she dug out the magazine from under her coffee table and flipped to the page. “It’s a hot ring.”

I looked at it, pictures of Carmen with her friends, flaunting a big ass diamond ring on her engagement finger, showing it to the world for all its worth.

Jesus talk about scary.

“It did look a little tacky…” she giggled.

"I need to talk to you about Libby's trust..."

"Justin, we HAVE talked about this, its way too much!"

"She’s my daughter, she’s meant to have this, its what its for."
"Justin, yes I love that you want to take care of her and the bank account its really great, but 13 million dollars? hell no, she’s too young..."

"That’s what I want to talk about, what if I make it so she cant touch it till she’s 18..."

"No..."

"21?"

"um, yeah I guess so...we just have to make sure she’s level headed by then, if you set on it..."

"I am...." I nodded, and she just sat in silence....

I swear I wasn’t a pervert I was just horny as hell for her. Okay so maybe that MADE me a pervert…but I never meant for it to happen.

“Uh, me yeah I’m fine…you?”

“I’m good…” her hand fell to my knee, oh god. “Are you sure your okay?” I didn’t look at her; I looked at her hand, her hand that was slowly – painfully slowly moving up my leg. Ok think anything else, think – SPORTS, my grandma in her underwear, football…girls football, nekkid girls football…NO!!!! Shit.

“wh- what are you doin’”

I swallowed hard, trying and failing to get a grip on the situation.

Her soft lips touched on my neck, “Justin…” Oh god how does she make my name sound sexy, my name aint sexy people….

“I want us to do something….” I faced her; she giggled leaning in and touching my lips with her finger.

“Um okay? What…” again a man can only think with one brain at a time…Guess which one was in over drive.

She just raised her eyebrow at me, and I knew, of course I did. Harri was a lot of thing, subtle was not one of them.

So I did it, I went in for the kiss. God I love her kisses.

She wasn’t holding back, and then again neither was I.

When we stood up, the intensity of the kiss had disappeared. She slid her hands up my sides; I place my hands on her shoulders. She just smiled up at me, and I did the same. She was right I wanted this too.

With her hand on the belt buck she practically dragged me into her new red bedroom.

There wasn’t a condom but at the point it was a risk I was willing to take, I needed her just as she clearly needed me, and I didn’t want to think of the repercussions. They could wait. This was more important.

When his hands came to me, in that manly powerful way he had with them, any other thoughts I had when straight out the window. I wanted him, no more than that I needed him. Even if it was for just that one night, I was going to have what id been thinking about for months.

It was one of the reasons I kept putting things off with Adam, I just didn’t want him like I wanted Justin. Not at that time anyway.

The sex that we made and shared that night was in more ways than one awkward but sweet, and unbloody believable.

The tiny little moans he’d make as I kissed him all over, made me smile, made him self conscious

“No it’s not your laughing!!”“

And I had to admit after 14 months of basis celibacy it’s exactly what I needed. “Shit…”

I agreed with him it was the only thing I could comprehend at that second. I was too lost in euphoric sensation.

His hands gripped my breast as his lips bit gently into my shoulder. His hand ran down my spine, and up again in through my hair and on to my face. No part of me was left untouched. Thankfully.

“Faster…” I cried. It was killing me.

“Bite me; I can’t stand this…Stop holding back!”

It was then I decided to stop letting him have control, I flipped him over and took the job myself. I pushed and fought for what I wanted, and when it hit. I swear I thought I was floating.

“Jesus! YES….you have no idea HOW much I needed that!”

“In a good way?”“

And I did the other thing id been waiting months for, I fell asleep in his arms.

Pure heaven.

I just wondered how long that blissful feeling would last....

Not Long knowing us.