For almost six months we did the “avoiding” thing again. And I was much too bitter at her to even care that I didn’t see her this time. Id moved on, yes I really had. Id put all my anger at her and my stupid self into some new tracks, mixes and genuine bitching on vinyl. My knew album Ladies and Gents would be a number one with all this angst - ill bet on it.
Back and forth I went with Libby for those six months, god love the child she must have been so confused. When she started talking though that's when things got…entertaining shall we say?
She was developing this little personality all of her own, she loved me…clearly…she didn’t like Carmen so much. And I can’t really say I blame the kid, Carm wasn’t really the maternal type – held her all weird, freaked out at the least little things…forgot she was there sometimes even. Now that was scary.
I know it seemed petty keeping our hate going for such long periods of time, but it wasn’t like we even saw each other everyday. In fact i hardly saw her at all, except when she couldn’t find anyone to drop the baby off…the baby, she was spoiled of course... from my mothers point of view, and all my family she was the centre of attention. And like her daddy, she loved every minute of it.
After months of looking, I finally managed to find an apartment in New York that I loved enough to want it, to change it to my style and then move in as I worked on a few production deals.
Carmen hated the idea of leaving LALA land, but what could I do. I wasn’t working full time yet and since Shaharra id heard was now working on a full case load of shows that she was currently or in the process of producing for MTV.
She needs me to take Liberty, and I was more than happy to have her staying with me.
“Daddy…” Libby came bundling towards me with a bundle of tissues ripped to shreds.
“Aw honey no…” her little blue eyes just gazed up at me like she didn’t know what
she’d done. Of course she didn’t Carmen was supposed to be looking out for her
as I emailed my manager.
“Carm…”
“What?” She snapped, her cell glued to her ear, it was like she couldn’t function
outside of LA.
“what are you doin’…The baby hello"
“What I was on the phone.”
“Yeah and you were supposed to Be watching her, I told you I had work to do…
Jesus it was five minutes for god sakes…”
“Dude, she's fine look” she went over to pick her up then even though I didn’t know why at that point she was sitting content on the floor playing her farm animals.
She right away started fussing, she just didn’t like the way Carmen held her…that
and I was convinced Harri was brain washing her every night not to like her, then
again I was paranoid…and she was only 18 months old…
She started full on whaling.
“Look why do you do this, she doesn’t like me!”
“She does, she just senses that you’re uneasy that's all…when you’re uneasy they are too…Look come here.” I held up my arms and she wanted in to them. Held
against me, she quickly hushed and started tugging on my hair. Laughing.
“See…it’s not that hard.”
“Yeah for you maybe, she hates me.”
“She’s a baby how could she hate you…”
“Well maybe she's more like her mom then…..”
The whine started in her voice, my God did I hate that whine.
“I think it’s your attitude, Jesus she's a good kid you just need to pay attention to
her!” I sat down with her.
“Im tired of it okay…she's not my baby Justin…its clear isn’t it…”
"Why???"
"I’m just different that’s all...I’m not like you I cant adapt to these things....not
like this..."
“Why because she doesn’t look like me or you is that it? I laughed and she just
shrugged. I never thought for a second that she was serious.
“Maybe, I mean Justin its not like she can even pass for my daughter is it?”
“What the fuck are you on for god sakes…I thought you were cool with this now, I
mean you’ve had long enough to get used to it.”
“Well maybe I’m not…Look I love you baby, but I didn’t sign on for step mom…its
not me, and I’m not ready to deal with all the issues that ill have to deal with a
kid!” she screamed at me, I was convinced she was crazy then and there.
“Well we’re a package baby, she and I…”
“And Harri and Adam…” she rolled her eyes again, “dysfunctional family at the
most.”
What the hell…
“I know it’s not normal…but it’s working right?”
“Is it?”
“Well don’t you think it is?”
She just shrugged at me, the baby started babbling daddy at the top of her lungs
when I wouldn’t look at her.
“Its not that I have a problem with the fact you’re a dad, and don’t get me wrong
baby you’re a great dad…”
“BUT?”
“But….I’m not a mom, I’m not her mom and to be honest the issues we’re dealing
with now are only gonna magnify…she's a constant factor in your life...I’m not, I
think that's where my issues start…”
“Why?”
“I feel like if I get close to your baby and we break up…” she rolled her eyes, she
never liked getting emotional…this time was no different. “Then id have to give her
up too if im gonna be her “mom” ” she used her fingers to quote “and then we
break up….”
“Wait a second what makes you think we’ll break up…”
“Well maybe it’s the fact that you’re not in love with me any more…maybe that has
something to do with it.”
“What?”
“For like six months, baby you’ve been different with me, you’ve been so…distant.”
She was right; it was just one of those things – like Harri, that I was ignoring…
“That’s not true…I do…love you.”
“But are you in love with me? That’s the question. I don’t doubt you LOVE me but I
want…No I need you to be IN love with me, I need some sign that im a part of your
life…for good. If I don’t…then im gone.”
See now that angered me, anything for me but someone telling me what to do or
not to do…it pissed me off.
“Are you giving me an ultimatum?” the baby cooed at me as she tugged again on
my growing curls…I ignored the pain of that to stand up and confront her.
“In one word? Yes…I am. Im tired of feeling expendable Justin…So love me now or
let me leave.”
I was convinced she was crazy; she was in a sense a little loopy but I liked her, I liked her enough to allow her to stick around but the truth was no matter how hard I tried, I just didn’t love her like I knew she needed me too.
She stared at me, waiting for her answer. So I gave it to her….
“Well I guess you should leave then.”
“WHAT?”
“You’re right…Im sorry…but you’re right I don’t love you like that, I don’t think ive
allowed myself too…And that's my issue not yours.”
She just stomped her feet into the bedroom packed a bag and left slamming the
door behind her.
Leaving me with the only woman in my life who hadn’t abandoned me, who hadn’t
put constant demands on me, she just knew I was her daddy and I made her
laugh…and suddenly that was the only thing I needed…
“You know what Libby…” I looked at her tiny glowing little face just grinning with her
two little teeth at me. “Woman are crazy, I see that now…but then again maybe I’m
the one that makes them that way…I don’t know…” she just laughed still no idea
what I was babbling about “see, I’m weird we ALL know that right but then again,
I’m just as normal as everyone else…I want the same things as everyone else, hell
I need the same things…Material things aren’t the issue for me, its more…
emotional. I want to be able to just BE…you know?”
She just furrowed her little eyebrows at me as I pulled her night shirt over her head
as we sat on my king sized bed, with just the lights of the city from the window and
the glare from the bathroom light lighting us up. Her musical bear was on the
pillow, the one that sang “Over the rainbow” to us as she crawled into the big bed
bedside me with her dummy and bottle in each hand.
“Aw honey of course you don’t know…you’re just tired aren’t you angel…” her hand
went into her curls, she twirled them – a trait she and I share, I used to do that as
a kid when I was sleepy. Classic sign and reason for me to shut up and try and let
her sleep. “Night, night…”
I was working almost 18 hours a day for three weeks straight. What with the new
July- August summer schedule I was commissioned to do seven new shows.
SEVEN! I mean I went from no work to waaaay to much work…In a way it was a good
thing that Justin decided to move to the city. He was a god send when all the work
came pouring in. we decided to break the non spoken agreement of not seeing
each other that we had…when he and Carmen broke up I was afraid for him, he
seemed weird…well weirder than usual anyway…
But other than that he seemed over our little – encounter. Which I was happy
about, it made seeing him easier and I hate to say it, but it made it easier to lie to
Adam.
Yeah, no looks thank you very much, I know okay….I lied to him, well not so much
lied but I just didn’t volunteer the truth.
I was a bitch, yeah maybe….
But I was one busy bitch.
“Hey…” I announced when he answered the door to his penthouse apartment on
5th avenue.
“Hi…” he looked a little dishevelled. “She's just out of the bath, we had an issue
with the creamed potatoes she had for dinner, she got more on her self than in her
mouth, and well she was more jumpy in the bath than a leap frog…” he pointed to
his shirt. He was soaked. I had to laugh, he was usually so cool and put together…
“Do you want me to get her ready?” I asked walking in the whole way.
“Na, she's in her crib, she's already dressed but her hair’s still a little wet…sit down I
don’t want her leaving with wet hair…”
He was right; I didn’t want her getting ill again.
“Ok” I sat in his extremely plush sitting room, his view was amazing I really had to
admit. It was so high I could see everything if I moved to the right places.
He came through the door again with a beaming Liberty, “Momma!!!” she
exclaimed reaching out her arms.
“Hello you…have you been good for daddy?”
She nodded fast as I took her, and Justin sat down. He was worn out.
“She’s pretty energetic I know…” I laughed as she started jumping up and down in
her PJ jumpsuit you know the kind that look like little prison outfits with feeties in
em’…a pink one of those.
“Yeah I know, it’s insane really…I don’t know where she gets the energy to be
honest…its non stop! Even during “nap time” which I take great use of, she's still
moving!” he laughed sitting back as Libby parked her bum in between us both.
“Mommy, are we go home?” she looked up at me, “We are now honey…”
“Humm...” she mumbled “stay he-a” I loved her way with sentences, like she knew
what she wanted to say and she was beginning to do it so well.
“Aw no honey we gotta go, mommy’s tired…”
“STAY HE-A!!” she started jumping up and down again. And her request made me
so uncomfortable.
“NO!” I got up and pointed at her, she hated that. She sat down beside her dad,
and move toward him. Cuddling into him. Oh she was a daddy’s girl alright.
“Harri you’re welcome to stay if you want? I mean I have three rooms, pick one…its
yours.”
“No I cant I really…WE really should go home.” I looked down at Libby who smiled
through her not there yet teeth.
“Well im just sayin’ the offers there, your clearly tired, Lib wants to stay…what’s the
point in going ALL the way home, in that traffic….In the rain and the cold…” He fake
whined.
“Ok okay I get it…It would be stupid but J…come on, I’m not so sure it’s such a
good idea.”
“Why? Cause we had S.E.X.” he spelt out in case she’d repeat it “six months ago…
Girl you know we’re cool…I’m dealing, you’re dealin’ but we’re fine! Go take a bath,
go to sleep ill watch her, I tivo’d some cartoonsfor her, sure she doesn’t get it, but
she laughs …so…” he shrugged laughing.
“Are you sure?” I sure as hell wasn’t I mean, his attitude change was severe. He
was totally chilled…it was freaking me out, what with months of bitterness, his turn
around was…weird if I was honest.
“Um no bath needed, but I am tired.”
It was only 10:30 but still…Id been up since 5.
“Go on, the room next to mine is made up, my mom usually uses it…so you KNOW
it’s too clean!”
I was still hesitant but I agreed out of sheer exhaustion.
“Thanks J…”
*********
I decided once Carmen and I broke up that I’d embrace my women with a different
point of view. I’m not sayin’ it was easy looking at her after all of our rows, after all
the issues she and I had gone through.
But then again she was there, and I don’t know how to explain it. Whenever she
was around me I just forgave everything and anything. Not seeing her, not talking
to her…it was easy to hate her. But once I saw her again all of that went out the
window and her personality just took me in and over completely. I loved being
around her, I didn’t think I would be able to cope with her presence after we slept
together again, after she took my heart out on that pavement and stamped on it…
But then she was here and I was…well I was Okay.
“Okay sweetheart…sleep time.” Harri came out with one of my t-shirts on and old
boxers on. “Noooo mama Noooo im no ti-ward …”
“Liberty Grace Timberlake…” her tone even scared me for god sakes. “Now…” she
took her in her arms, then her tone changed “Now, momma made you a magic bo-
bo” her word for her bottle “for bed time…don’t you want it?”
She shook her head no…then Harri produced the pink glitter bottle, the one that
she used as the “magic” one to get her to sleep. It always worked.
“You DON’T want it?” she looked at me “daddy what will we do?…I think we should
give it to the poor babies then if she doesn’t want it…”
“Yeah I think so too….”
“Noo, my Bo-tel” she mispronounced.
“So you want it then?” I asked
“mmmmmhummmm…” she took it and stuck it in her mouth fast.
Harri smiled at me “ill be right back.”
She went into the crib in her room to place her in it, and hopefully wait till she fell
asleep.
I kicked back and opened my beer, I never used to drink when the baby was in the
house but I needed it with Harri in my company. I just didn’t know how to react
around her any more. I mean what were we now…apart from Libby’s parents we
weren’t anything else. Not even friends.
Less than ten minutes later Harri came from the room with the monitor with her.
“She’s out for the count…she was as worn out as I was.” She sighed sitting on the
couch beside me.
“I know, she's not the only one!” I offered her a beer that she took, from the
bottle. That was the old, less up tight Harri I knew so well. Street wise joke cracking
Harri that didn’t care what anyone thought of her, no matter what she did. She
changed though, once Libby came along it’s like her fun side disappeared…she's
was almost too grown up.
“Aww I needed that.” she sighed. “It’s been one shitty day. One pre-Madonna after
another thinking they owned me...AH I hate celebrities!”
“Thanks…”
“Boy shut the hell up, you know you aint a “celebrity” you’re just…you.”
“Most people see me as a ‘celebrity’ though….don’t generalise babe!”
She rolled her eyes at me, “what the hell ever…" she laughed, settling on another
slurp "You okay?”
“Why?”
“Well, I’ve seen Carmen…with what’s his name…Vartan??”
“Yeah…I know, and yeah I’m fine you know, it’s been a few weeks…she clearly
needs someone…” I rolled my eyes laughing nervously, I didn’t know how to do this
whole intimate convo with her again, she made it too easy….
“What about you? You need anything?”
“Na…I’m okay, for the first time in a long time girl…I’m alone…and I like it.”
“Really?” she asked that like she didn’t believe me.
“Really…” I repeated “I like that I can just be by myself…work…then see Lib…without
having to answer to someone else…its been cool you know…”
She nodded swigging her beer. “Well good, I’m glad…really…I’m glad your okay
now. I got worried about you there for a while.”
“Even when you and I weren’t talking…”
“Yeah boy…especially then…I worry…even when I have no right too…”
“Well…thanks…I worry about you too…for the record.”
I really did. But I didn’t know why I was telling her this…see what I mean, she made
talking and opening up WAY too easy.
“Thank you…”
“Welcome…” I looked away, shit she made me blush…
Why. I was over her…I was…I didn’t love her any more…I didn’t love anyone but my
baby any more…and that's the way I needed it to be.
See I realised that I always used the women in my life to fill that void I knew I
couldn’t or in my case…wouldn’t. I knew I needed to grow up and be a man, in
every sense of that word. I needed to be alone to allow myself access to my own
heart…so maybe next time id listen to that instead of my messed up head.
The next morning I was awoken by the sounds of Libby laughing hysterically, I got
up and there she was, on the floor with Harri. Rolling around, Harri calling her a
snowball that was rollin’…it was too cute.
“Daddy looook!!” she exclaimed her little afro of curls now in two pig tails. “Rollin’”
she stood up hands on her little hips still laughing.
“I see that!!” I lifted her up as Harri got off the floor.
“Sorry we woke you, its just I haven’t had time to play with her in a while…the urge
was almost too much! You spoil her here you know…” she noted the pile of toys in
the corner of the sitting room.
“Woman please, like am NOT gonna do that…you know I like to treat my women
well…and she is the most important!” I poured myself some coffee. Totally okay
with my new decision to “ Let by gones be by gones” my new mantra if I had too.
“I know but I don’t want her to be one of those rich B.I.T.C.H.E.S when she grows
up, I hate chicks like that…”
“So do I…but I think we can relax for now, she's only a year and a half…hardly
socialite material just yet…” she agreed and sat down on the breakfast bar “So
what’s your plans for today?” she asked eating MY strawberry pop tart.
“Well, my breakfast is being eaten FOR me so…I guess finding something else to
eat…then I have to do some last minute checks with Trace over the new line of
WR…”
“That's going really well, I’ve seen them in Nemans, and Macys now too, I like the
jeans…”
“so do I…” I stepped out to show her mine.
“Nice…they actually make you look like you HAVE an ass!” she cackled…
“Funny!” I sarcastically piped. “ What are you doing to day?”
“Well we…Miss Libby and I are meeting 'Uncle' Adam for lunch, then we’re goin’ to
the zoo.”
“Really?” Man that stung, wasn’t it meant to be the mom and DAD doing that sort
of thing, not the mom and her “creepily happy I’m sure he's really gay boyfriend''…
it just wasn’t right.
“Yeah, she's been wanting to go so since I have today off we decided…why not.”
“You’re right yeah that's cool…take some pictures for me will you?”
She looked uncomfortable… “um yeah sure…Justin, id ask you to come but its just
since I’ve been getting things back on track with Adam, well he's not too keen on
having you around…”
“Oh…” like I didn’t know that.
“Yeah, so um…well before I leave I guess I should be the one to tell you…”
She inhaled a breath loudly. All the while I imagined her news that he's dying and
leaving my girls alone….
“What?”
“Well, a few weeks ago for our sorta kinda anniversary we went up state and well…
Adam asked me to marry him.”
I felt my heart stop. No it really did STOP.
“Wow…”
“Yeah…” she smiled nervously. “He asked me, and I said – “
“Yes…” I finished for her. Throwing my coffee down the sink.
“Yes…I said yes, I just wanted you to be the first one I told…” her awkwardness
seemed through.
“Why wait so long?”
“I don’t know, I told him I needed time before we made it official….we’re telling
everyone else today, but I wanted you to be the first to know.” She looked happy,
glowing even…but I didn’t see a ring, cheap bastard.
I glanced at her finger….she clued on “OH I haven’t been wearing the ring, like I
said no one knows…that's a dead give away right?”
“Right, yeah well…” I took a deep breath and tried my hardest NOT to cry like the
bitch I was.
“Congratulations….”
“Really?” she looked taken aback…rightly so.
“Yeah, I’m happy that you’re happy….” I moved in and hugged her. She hugged
me back with just as much might. God she smelled good.
“Well…phew…” she laughed.
“What?”
“Do you know how hard that was too do?” she looked awkwardly at her feet, and
yes I knew…it tore me apart.
“Naw, girl we’re cool remember….I am…” say it, even if I don’t mean it, it’s what
people say isn’t it… “I am happy for you…really he's a nice guy…”
“I’m glad you think so….” She looked at her Jacob& Co watch, the one id given her
two Christmas’s before…was it weird she still wore some of the jewellery I gave her?
“Wow, I’m late…Libby come on we’re late…thanks again for being cool with this J…it
means a lot!” she smiled and kissed me on the cheek, grabbed our daughter and
was on her way… to him…bastard.
I walked to my cabinet; reached for the biggest bottle of JD I could see, grabbed a
glass ice and decided id toast the “Happy” couple…for at least a few hours of
mindless drinking.
I realised after a bottle of JD and no food that it wasn’t a nice mix…I felt like shit.
But then again that could have been down to the downer on my heart at that time,
I don’t know which but what ever it was…I sure as hell didn’t like it.
You know that thing you do, when you get depressed lonely and drunk…what’s it
called… oh yeah Dumb-ass disease, well id caught it…and reached for its spreader.
The “telephone” only this wasn’t an ordinary phone, this was one that was aiding
me in making the biggest mistake of my life.
“Carmen, hey its Justin…can we talk…its important.”
--------------------
