What do you want?????



The whole night I had to listen to her and her friends high-pitched hollering. At the least little thing, they got all excited. Of course all I kept hearing was Sahara’s words to me, to do the right thing for me, how exactly? I mean she was one to talk, she was marrying a dude I KNEW she didn’t truly love, and he wasn’t for her. Anyone who seen them together knew that, it was as clear as day. Sure they looked the part on the outside, but I knew it wasnt the real thing on the inside....
Some could say that about Carmen and me.
“Are you listening?”


“Im sorry what?”

“J…” she whined “we’re talking about our last night of freedom” she
laughed I didn’t “what are you all planning?”

“Um, I don’t really know, I guess you’ll have to ask Trace…he's the
one with all the plans!”

“Right, right well all I can say is there better be NO strippers…dirty
whores…Na ah.”

She did that thing with her hand, snapping, like she
thought she was ghetto or something. If Harri had seen her, no doubt

she would have “snapped” her neck for pulling something like that.

Mannerisms like that just don’t work on white people, its right up there

with 2 step-in’ weaves and girls calling each other “girlfriend” it just

DON’T work on white people. Period. Take note Kevin federline…that

dude is a walking joke…painful.

“Carm would you excuse me…ladies…” I nodded to them and made my way out of

the VIP corner

“Why where are you goin?

“I…uh I just gotta go check on the baby before she's put to bed….Ill

be right back.”

“Don’t be long.”

“I won’t be…”

It wasn’t a lie, it really wasn’t, and I knew she was in her mom’s room…

her mom being Harri.

So who was I to point that out?

I walked silently to her door; knocked lightly in case the baby was

asleep I just didn’t want to wake her.

“Hey…what are you doin here?” she opened the door after a few

seconds.

“I wanted to see Libby, is she asleep…”

She glanced to the room, “um no…but I am really tired, so if you

wouldn’t mind NOT getting her all keyed up Id appreciate it.” She did

look tired, her eyes were all puffy…her hair was down…she was in her

sweats…

An hour ago she was the epitome of glamour, now she just looked

depressed.

“Are you…Ok? You look…”

“What? Bad, good?”

“Sad…” I added, looking in the crib, provided by the hotel. I saw lil

Libby just laying dosing off. I didn’t say anything I just brushed my

finger across her hand. I loved seeing her sleep. She always just
seemed cuter if that was possible.

“No am fine…thanks again for the suite. Its off the chain…the bowling
alley alone is IN-sane.”

“Aw no problem, glad you’re enjoying it….Im sure Adam will love it too…
has he been on it yet.”

She just walked out of the room and into the sitting area, damn what I
say?

“Shaharra, you aren’t ok are you?”

“No, am really not…but look this isn’t the time, I don’t wanna talk
about it…you should go mingle with Carmen…” She tried to fake a
smile, but I saw her eyes, that was no smile.

I sat down in front of her, “Naw, she and her pack of coyotes can wait…
whats up.”

She hugged her knees, flipped her hair and rubbed her nose. Classic
stalling signs.

“Well?”

“WELL….” She mocked… “Adam found out that you and I slept

together that time…he confronted me on it…and well to make it short.
We broke up.”

“You. He…wow…”

“My thoughts exactly….” She smiled tightly.“I just…I mean I knew it
was wrong lying to him…it was but I mean with what we did…it didn’t…”
she wasn’t making ANY sense can I just say that here. “ I mean id
never lied to anyone like that at all…it took so much work to lie!! I
don’t ever wanna do that again!!”

I was still lying to Carmen, at that moment I saw what would happen if
I told her…

“what happened with us, I mean it didn’t mean anything right…I mean
you, said so…” I added she never did give a good enough answer for
that.

“I beginning to wonder…” she sniffled.

“what?”

“I mean maybe it was a subconscious effort on my part to fuck this all
up…I mean I know you and I…we’re not there you know….”

“There were?”

“there, at that place…in love you know, we’ve moved on right…hell your

getting married for Gods sakes…that means you have total and
complete faith in her and your love for her don’t you Justin…”

“I…”

“Because if you don’t you know what will happen don’t you….”

“No” she was scaring me, she was like a woman processed she
needed me to know this is knew that in her eyes.

“It will all get incredibly fucked up!! You lie, then she lies, then you all
are just living this insane lie that you know will just build and build and
then one day, like today it will just blow up in your face and you'll be
left alone and sad crying into your drink in a cool hotel room in Vegas,
that's what will happen!!” by the end of her sentence she was full on
crying. So I did the only thing I knew to do for all women that cried. I
comforted her.

“Its okay” I hugged her, not knowing anything else to do or say at
that point. I mean I hated the guy…I should have been happy this
happened…but I wasn’t. She was sad and in pain…this wasn’t the time
to be happy.

“No its not Justin I am such a class A screw up…I am…I mean I mess
everything up that I touch…you and me for example I made a
complete ass wipe try at that didn’t I…I loved you so much!! but just
because one aspect of your life made me miserable I dumped you…I
mean what was that about.”

“Well I would say you dumped me…” I tried to reason, hell no I was
the one that broke up with her…wasn’t I ….

“No I DUMPED you, and for what? The fact that your career made me
crazy…hell I loved you, and I still do! Only NOW I aint got you and I
still have to deal with the damn paparazzi…justice that's what it is, Im
getting what I deserve for being so selfish.”

“Harri you're NOT selfish okay now stop talkin nonsense….” I didn’t
bring up all the other stuff she said about us, mainly because I just
didn’t know what to say.

“well if am not selfish I definitely am stupid…look Justin I hope
Carmen makes you happy…but I cant be here alone…I mean I was ok
with the idea of seeing you and her be together when I had someone
too….Now I just don’t and the idea of watching her ALL over you in
front of me, its just too weird.” she wiped her tears with an awkward
smile.

“What are you sayin…you gonna leave?”
She took a breath, and smiled through her tears “yeah, I have too
baby…” she hugged me back, a longer hug that I was
expecting. “Because ive lost one man this weekend. I don’t wanna
watch the other one get lost too…ill go back to New York, Liberty can
stay her with you and the nanny…you'll be fine.”

“No…harri come on I need you…I don’t think I can do this…” wow it
felt weird finally saying it out loud. There was a pause, one of her

classic "dramatic pause's" they scared me sometimes.
“What…dude are you drunk…your getting married in a day…how are
you NOT sure about this?”

I got up and started pacing the large room. “I don’t know, lately I
just…if I tell you something you promise not to get mad and throw
things?”

“Boy, when you say things like that it makes me nervous…”

“Promise me!”

“Fine, I prrr-omise you now get on with it…”

“I kinda maybe sorta only proposed to Carmen…to maybe sorta make
you jealous…and then when she said yes, which I NEVER thought she
would it just sorta snowballed outta control and I…” she was staring at me like I was mad or something, her mouth agape “and I…”

“Justin Randall Timberlake are you fucking insane…where you dropped

at birth, deprived of oxygen…what in the hell possessed you to do that you idiot!” ok, she slapped me on the head and with that big ass ring,
it fucking hurt.

“AH, shit don’t do that, you might…”

“What brain damage you, hell how would we know the difference!!”

“Woman don’t do this…”

“do what j…you just told me youre also lying to her about not only us
doin it, but that you wanna marry the woman, now I think you taken it
a step too far man!”

“Oh yeah and what about you huh? You did just that, you lied to
Adam; you AGREED to marry the shumuck how is what am doing any
different…”

“I didn’t do all a that to make you jealous!”

“Really…”

“Yes really…my god…”

“so then what was all that “I love you still” stuff you were JUST talkin
about huh…” where was I going with this conversation, where I ask the
gods…

“I…”

“You what?”


“I do still love you, you idiot you know that…” she opened her mouth,
her eyes widened, it was like she just realised what she said.

“You do?”

“No…” she said in a weird funny voice, so quickly I almost didn’t hear
her.

“But you just said you loved me…you still love me!! OH my good god,
YOU STILL LOVE ME!!”

“Ok, okay fine…you don’t have to broadcast it for god sakes…it
doesn’t matter any way because…well it just doesn’t.”

“Doesn’t it…” trouble, oh yeah lots of it…

“No, because you’re…” yeah she didn’t have any where to go with it did
she.

“I what?” I moved to her.

“You’re with….”

I did it; I leaned in and circled her waist with my arms. Held her close
and I kissed her. The feel of her on me was a sensation that I
realised right then, that's what was absent from my life…her, just
simply her and nothing else. I missed her so much.

“Justin…” still I pretended not to hear her as I kissed her. Damnit id
waited forever for this kiss, why she have to ruin it with chatter.

“Shhh…”

“Na-ah we are NOT goin down that road again, no way, NOPE!” she
pushed me away.

“What the hell, that was some good kissing right there…why are you
stopping!!”

“Be-cause I will not be apart of this any more, this little game that we
play dude it has to end…it just has too…I wont be the other woman, not again. Ive seen what my lies have done Justin…the choices ive
made, they’ve affected the people I care for…don’t let this choice
affect any more…”

“What are –“

“Am sayin, if you love Carmen…and I think you want too…marry her,
commit to her…let me go.”

“You don’t want that…”

“No, but I need it. Tomorrow night…move on, for good…”


“Why do you keep doing that? You keep pushing me away then pulling me back in, the pushing me even harder away….is this like

some sort of game to you?”

“No! Of course not…Jesus no.”

“THEN WHAT, because we keep doing this, over and over and to be
honest it’s starting to get really old really quickly…”

“What do you want from me Justin…?”

“I want you to tell me the truth….that’s all ive ever wanted from you…”

She didn’t look at me then. “I think you need to leave now.”

I didn’t say anything after that; if she was willing to forget forever then
I guess I was too. I got up and walked out, walking into a life id
chosen. A life with Carmen, a life id need to adjust to, quickly.



When he left I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself. He was right,
was I playing with him…with his emotions? I didn’t know, I always knew
that I had a certain hold on his emotions, I knew that. When we were
together for all that time he was completely 100 percent up front with
me, about everything, I mean I couldn’t have asked for better.

Then again with the “upfront- ness” of our relationship the rows
began, we were always a little too honest.

When I wasn’t in the least bit happy I always told him up front and he
always told me, I always had a way though of making it personal,
always his fault. If the press were on me, it was HIS fault, if I got
papped it was HIS fault…you see where Im going with this.



I know we kept going round in circles, over and over since the day
Liberty was born we’ve been doing this dance of weirdness.

It was like we knew that we were supposed to be…something…we just
both – more so me…we weren’t sure on what that “something” was…

I mean I could sit here and lie to both you & him but in the end I
needed to be honest with only one person. And that was myself!

**********

Rejoining Carmen and her friends that night was something that I was
glad id done. I looked at her in a completely new light after my “talk”
with Harri. She and I weren't there, we just weren’t, hell maybe we
never were…maybe it was all in my head…maybe it was all just a false
hope for a past that I loved and needed more than anything.

In the past, with Harri…for almost three years, she and I were honest to a fault sometimes, but I knew id never be unfaithful to her and she trusted me like I trusted her…but I guess it takes more than love sometimes to make someone happy. With Carmen it seemed that my life suited her, the pap’s didn’t bother her because she was an actress and she was used to it, the fans she didn’t mind mainly because she was crazier that the most insane of them… sure I didn’t love her as much or in the way that perhaps I should have done….but the love that I did hold for her, my love and trust was in fact enough, more than enough…she wanted to marry me. She wanted to at the very least try and make me happy and what more could I ask of someone who asked nothing of me….

Even knowing all of this I still felt empty….

That’s not good right????


“j man are you ready? The cars leaving in five minutes…?” I heard
Trace bang on and yell through the door.

“Yes, ill be out in a sec…Ok?”

“Fine…just hurry up”
I stood over the sink in my private bathroom, having shaved so I still
had remains of stubble but not so much that I was clean cut, I was
sure id forgotten to do something.

“I can do this…I can…” I repeated as I exited to room to find my
mother standing with Libby in her arms.

“Hey there little one…aww look at you…” someone had dressed her in a tiny pink dress with white ribbons; her hair was pinned into two
pigtails. She looked so adorable.

“Justin are you sure about this, I mean really sure…” my mother
began. For the fifth time that morning. I sensed she REALLY didn’t
want me to do this.

“Ma, she's signed the pre-nup so don’t sweat it okay?”

“I don’t mean just about that, Justin this is a huge thing…if your not
ready no one will judge you for not leaving here today?”

“Ma…”

“No…im serious….”

“As am I…okay I love Carmen, she loves me she wants this…so do I…”

“You don’t seem so sure…” she always knew my game face. It was
hard hiding anything from her.

As Trace excused his self from the room, I sat on my hotel bed.

“Mom, do you believe in a one true love?”

She grinned at me as she sat next to me, “at your age I didn’t. After
all id been through with your father…I held little hope…”

“But?”

“I met Paul. A good genuine man that made me feel…alive…in the
beginning, it was…magical. And the fact that he loved you too, for me
made it a million times more special….he made me feel good, even
when we’d fight, I knew he’d still be there for me no matter what…”

“What about now? After all these years, is it different?” she closed her

eyes for a second then looked me in mine.
“its never easy…its not meant to be easy, but I think that if any
relationship that was worth fighting for, was worth fighting IN its always

in the end result you find out who you are, and more importantly what
you want, its part of the process, one that if you do it right, your with
your best friend for the rest of your life…and as said best friend they
know everything – the good…and especially the bad. Its part of life, a

good part. Why? Do you believe Carmen is that person for you?”
I just laughed; she knew our relationship didn’t run as deep as that.

“I see…” she slapped my hand again, “Look what I said still stands
true Justin…if your not sure she's…the one we’re talking about here
like I suspect she's not, then you just say the word and its not
happening.”

See this is what mothers were for, bailing out their off spring when
they royally fuck up.

“What you think of her, really I mean.”

She rolled her eyes, and then forced a smile. “If your happy im happy
you know that.” LIE.

“Ma….”

“Ok….she’s a nice woman…she just a little, shallow.”

I laughed “yeah because im SO deep.”

“No baby, it’s like she's out for herself, her career her profile…her life.
Yours just seems to fit at her convenience….she’s nice but I don’t
think she's very honest, with you or even herself sometimes. If you
want to marry someone seriously holding the “to death do us part” bit,
then NO, I don’t think she's the one. I – as your mother and the
woman who gave you life”

Here’s the guilt trip

“I would just like you with someone more on the same page as you,
your family – little Liberty is your main concern, you need someone
with the same views on children…you need someone who knows your
personality – that you’re a little temperamental shall we say”

“Hey now I aint that BAD!” she nudged me smiling

“I know that, I know what way to take you….some people just don’t,
they don’t see past the fake smiles and waves; you need someone
who sees you – for the person, not the name.”

See people, wisdom at its best.

With that there was a knock on the door, “Ah that's Trace, ill go get
finished baby…call me if you need Me.” with that she left her red
lipstick mark on my cheek with a kiss.

Only when she opened the door, it wasn’t Trace….it was Harri.



I thought she wasn’t coming…

I had to admit if she was trying to grab my attention, she certainly
succeeded, she was dressed in a tight red, almost silk looking knee
length number that hugged in all the right places and exposed at
others, her hair was up in a long ass pony tail and she had dark eyes
and pale lips to top off the look that could only be summed up as
HOT.

“Im sorry I didn’t call, but I figured you be gone already.”

“Naw, running late as usual wh- what are you doin here, I figured after
last night that you been…well outta here.” I walked into the room to
find my tie.

“No…I…couldn’t leave.” She followed me, clasping her hands together -
she was nervous.

“Couldn’t?”

“Yeah…Justin…” I continued to move around the massive suite. “Look
could you STOP moving for one second.”
She seemed flustered, good for her…


“Nope, im late like I said….i have to get ready.”

“Your not gonna make this easy on me are you?” she laughed
nervously.

“Nope.” I passed her again with my tie in my hand, “why should I…”

“Look this isn’t easy for me you know, it took a lot of guts to knock on
this door you know…”

“Well I know you remember, you’re nothing if not gutsy, so don’t
complain over Nothin’…what do you want Harri”

“You…” she whispered softly looking up at me with those big doe eyes,
oh this meant trouble... "Just you"

*********************************************************
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