Had she just said what I thought she said...No...wait...did she?
“Huh?”
She grunted, obviously frustrated. “Jesus your gonna make me say it
aint you….Damnit.”
“Girl please, you realise I can’t read you crazy ass mind, say whats on
it please…” I looked in the mirror to try and fix my “man” tie – i.e. not
a clip on. That shit was hard.
She stood behind me, hands on those glorious hips of hers. “Justin
you're annoying, oboxious, insane and self involved to a fault, you
never shut up and when you do its only to piss people off, you're also a self rightous son of a bitch...." I looked at her again through the
mirror - all this to insult me???? Then she smiled "But I love you, not
only that but I am so in love with you that its taken me almost two
years to admit it, I never stopped loving you, not even when I willed
myself NOT too…I just couldn’t stop it, I loved you from the moment
we met in that elevator….and I haven’t stopped since.” She looked down at her feet, still a tick she had when she got nervous, I was flabbergasted. I mean what did I say to that, I was getting married in ten minutes.
She continued “and I know that my timing as per usual SUCKS like
hell on a stick but I figured that if there ever was a time to leave
denial land….right now would be it….”
She seemed so nervous, and almost as if she wanted to be sick….this
was so hard for her.
“Why didn’t you say something last night….yesterday…two years ago…”
it was a reasonable question was it not?
Again her stare seemed in on her feet.
“Because im me Justin that's why. When I left you then, I wanted a
fresh start…but the gods wouldn’t allow that – they gave us Libby and that cemented us…as something so undefined that it was like
something from a painting by one of those insane artists at the
MET….but there we were…parents…but I still wanted a life away from
yours….i wanted my freedom…”
“But?”
she took a deep breath, “but…you were always there, not only with the
baby but always just in the back of my mind…the what if’s, the killer
what if’s….Im tired of asking what if…I want it to be a what now…”
“Look at me….” I asked as I faced her but she didn’t return the
gesture. “Shaharra, please look at me.
“I can’t…”
“Well your gonna have too otherwise ill not know what you’re thinking….”
“Easy…” she smiled finally looking at me “Im an idiot…your getting
married, what was I thinking….” I knew this phase for her, she was in
panic mode. “I should just go…Justin Im sorry for doing this, im just a
stupid woman…”
As she turned to flee, I grabbed her arm.
“Wait a second, your metal you know that…right?”
“Yeah I know…lets hope Libby takes after our mothers….”
“Did you mean what you just said? All of that…was it for real, or just to
stop me from marrying Carmen…”
“I don’t…yes…” she held her head up “it was for real…I meant every
cheesy line of my weird speech-like ramble….”
“What now?” I asked still not letting go of her arm.
She shrugged, “I really hadn’t thought any further than knocking on
the door…so your guess is as good as mine baby.”
I saw something in her eyes that I hadn’t seen in SUCH a long time, I
saw love.
Thoughts were speeding through my head at a million miles a minute,
what did I do what did I say…where did we all go from here.
“I….” I tried to say something but nothing but word vomits decided to
co- operate. “Last night, Harri I let you go, finally I just let go….and ill be honest, it felt good to have some answers….in my own mind of
what I wanted in my own life, you know? I felt lighter for the first time
in almost three years, and I realised that I want more in my life that
constant questioning and confusion. I want some peace of mind…
some form of settled happiness to come home too. I mean is that so
much to ask….”
“No, it isn’t…” was all she said.
My beeper went off, which meant one thing, my car was here…
“Look…I…have something to do….ill be right back okay?”
“Wh- wait where are you goin!!!!!”
“Two sec's, wait here, I swear we’ll do this…we’ll talk when I get back.” I
He was running practically out the door.
“Justin you ass I just bared my soul to you and your LEAVING what the
fuck is that…”
“Two seconds…” I ran leaving her with just as many questions as I held myself…
Holy shit, what NOW….
The truth was that when I left that room I didn’t know what I was going to do, but my mom and Trace and Paul were already gone. So in order to catch up with them I needed to go to the church. I was late as it was when I go there, I knew she’d already be there and waiting more than likely yelling at some poor staff member.
No one was in the waiting room in the back of the church, no one. I heard music so I opened these door – and wouldn’t you know it…that was were everyone (including the guests) were seated. All staring at me. Suddenly music started and Trace was waving at me to hurry up….so I did. I got to the “alter” and I wanted to talk to him…but then again that was mightily difficult when “here comes the bride” was blaring…wait…NOW?
“Trace I need to talk to you for a sec…” he looked past me
“It’s gonna have to wait J she's headed your way and she look
annoyed….hot but annoyed.”
“No…wait I can’t do-“
The priest began talking over me. Damnit!
“Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to witness the union of
two souls in holy matrimony…”
As he spoke Carmen gazed lovingly into my eyes, and I really knew it
was time to get out of there….
I nodded to my mom but she was too busy crying to do anything
about anything, then as I looked back at Trace and tried to give him the “eye” to get me out of there he just laughed…little shit.
“With this union, Carmen and Justin go ahead into a life that they
themselves will create each day with their love”
See this priest man, he's really putting the pressure on aint he?
He asked Carmen to speak…she did and she cried….she placed the
ring on my finger, and as I tried to speak up I just couldn’t, the ring was on…she'd said her VOWS? Ok no this wasn’t right this wasn’t
happening it was moving FAR to fast….
Everyone turned to me, wait did that mean it was MY turn….
“Justin to take Carmen to be you’re lawfully wedded wife, to have and
to hold until death parts you?” he smiled at me; he knew I didn’t want
to do this….but I had to say something, shit what DO you say in
situations like this “No I don’t but maybe?” No there's one clear
answer and it’s….
“I- “
I paced the hotel room; I didn’t have anyone when he left. Lynn left
with Paul and Paul had Liberty so I couldn’t even rant to her, and the
nanny well she had food poisoning and had to go home….so I was all alone wearing in the carpet of his swish hotel suite, not as swish as the penthouse but still, it rocked considerably.
I mean he didn’t say were he was goin; it could have been anywhere
right? I mean he could have gone to the lobby, he could have gone to
security….or the thought that just wouldn’t leave me, he could have
went to get married….to her, now, even after id emptied my heart and
soul to him.
I mean was I crazy to do that, it was stupid wasn’t it… you all know
that I love him but you know that love just isn’t as easy as all of the
hearts and roses and lovey dovey eyes….it takes effort. It takes
patience and more importantly it takes more than ONE person…where the hell was he.
I was mad, and more to the point I was hungry. I couldn’t eat or sleep
the night before, even though I was so tired….i was too nervous really,
I needed to tell him SOMETHING, what that something was I didn’t
know until id gotten to the door and saw him there in his suit –
somehow it made it all more real.
Id been avoiding for months, years almost at this point. I wanted
nothing more than to be his….whatever we were, but what ever IT was
I knew I needed to be it…wait does that make ANY sense?
No, didn’t think so.
I seldom make that much sense and when I do it’s my own version of normal folks “sense” you know? Well let’s just put it this way, I ramble….a lot….time to stop that I think…
Id waited over an hour and a half until I got s bored that I ordered a shit load of stuff from his mini bar and room service. If he was keep me waiting he was gonna pay for it – literally.
****
“What the hell are you talking about…we don’t need to talk Justin, we NEED to get married…” she smiled through gritted teeth whispering to me at the alter after I halted proceedings.
“No, we don’t, and I need to talk to you alone Carmen or do you want
me doing this in front of all your friends?”
She nodded no, so we stepped aside, the looks on everyone’s faces
was one of “what the fuck?” can’t say I blame them.
“What is it Justin, seriously couldn’t it have waited until after your vows….”
“No, see that's the thing….i won’t be taking any vows today….”
She squinted at me, like she didn’t understand, so I continued.
“Carm, im sorry but I really just can’t get married right now. I mean
you’re a great woman and I….”
“What do you mean NO, and CAN’T…Justin you’re the one that
purposed this to me….you wanted this!”
“I know, but look I wasn’t thinking clearly you had to have known that,
I mean I proposal consisted of me on both my knees, ‘cause I
couldn’t stand I was so drunk asking you “ehh whats ya thinking,
yeah???” I mean does that sound like I proposal you want to
remember forever….does it…” I asked softly. I learned from the
beginning with both those woman, force with achieve nothing you must
tread lightly or like in a mine field you might just get blown to pieces
with one swoop.
“No it doesn’t, but I still thought you meant it…I thought you wanted to marry me…”
“I did, I meant it at the time, its just now…well its not right for me,
and im sorry for that, I should have known sooner….like last week
when I purposed…” I realised just how fast it had gone.
“yeah you should have….what am I gonna tell ALL my friends out
there now, I mean they expect to see us married, and some of them I only invited to stick it in their faces that I was getting married before
them…now, they’ll all laugh at me….”
I didn’t want that, it was my fault that things go the way they were.
“Tell them im sick…”
“What?”
“Yeah, tell them im feeling weird and when we get out there ill…faint or
something so it looks real…” it was the only thing I could think off at
the time, and I need to end US on a good note.
“You’d do that??? For me?” she smiled almost.
“Sure…why not…”
“Justin….” She stalled me, grasping for my arm. “Have you told her
then?”
“Told her who what?” she rolled her eyes at me, as if this “her” was
obvious. “Have you told Harri that you want her back…?”
Wait what???
“I um…I don’t know”
“Don’t ok…for almost two years we’ve been doin this dude…its okay. I
know you loved her, still do too…see that's what I hated, it was never
her, or you or you and her or even the baby…its just….that maybe I
knew…”
I looked at her, she seemed so so very sad then. “Maybe I knew all
along that this…that I just wasn’t the one for you, she is….”
“I am sorry, I wanted it to work…really I did.”
“Yeah” she sighed “me too.”
*****
I was exhausted, I was sluggish but I needed to do this. After
id “fainted” in order to get out of the wedding with her dignity still
intact I made a dash for the hotel, my room and my bedroom. Only
thing I found was a shit load of tiny little empty miniature bottle and
$30 peanuts scattered around the room. And a little note,
“Guess I knew your answer all along….” That's it…she wasn’t there, I
rang the front desk to ring her room but they said she’d checked out
an hour before.
The poor check in girl “what in the hell do you mean she checked out,
no she was here a few hours ago…”
“Im sorry sir but I just clocked on, all it says on that room is that the
check out was at 9:15.” It had taken me almost three hours with Carmen and everyone, by the time I got back to the room it was
almost 10:40
“Was there a car for pick up?”
“Umm…it doesn’t say, but then again that doesn’t rule out cabs sir. I
am sorry.”
“No your not, its your job to say that….” then I hung up….felt bad – I
was acting so much like Carmen it wasn’t even funny. So I called her
back whoever she was and I apologised.
And since I did that she put me on to the girl that manned the desk
at that time. See what happens when you’re nice? Lots of things that
wouldn’t had I kept being an asshole that's what.
“Sir Yes the limo from the hotel did have a pick up at that time, an Ms
S. Green….from the penthouse”
“Could you tell me where she went…?” Then the new girl came on the
line,
“Its policy not to do that sir ive already told you more than I should
have….” She sounded tired, which meant one thing if she was only
coming to work. She was a mom.
“Look that lady is my daughter’s mother and my baby…” I was going
to hell for this “is sick and she has her meds…I need them ASAP….so
really if you could tell me, you'd be such a help….”
I heard her almost object, then she said it “the car took her to the
airport, departures I believe.”
“Thank you!”
I slammed down the call, and yelled to Trace to keep an eye on Libby,
which he was – they were entranced by sponge bob.
What the hell was she doing leaving Vegas with out Libby? And i knew
she was drunk…she had NO tolerance for drink what so ever – well she
was only a tiny thing, where did it all go? But what I wanted to know is why she was leaving, I mean she'd said all that amazing stuff to me,
but I could reciprocate without ending it with Carmen first, I owed them
both that if nothing else – a fresh start on both fronts.
Only she didn’t wait, she just up and left.
I got to the gate, and I got to the desk. As I looked up “new York
flight 3454 now departing….” Shit.
“Um hi…” I approached the lady in the navy uniform.
“Hello sir…”
“One ticket to New York please…”
“Sir?” ok didn’t she here me.
“Yeah?”
“That flights already leaving the gate…”
“No, its not look it says departing now, which I know means ive got at
least ten minutes, look please its really important that I be on that
flight…”
“Im sorry but all seats are full…” another lie, they're never fully full.
“First class then….” Maybe I should have said that first.
“Ill see...” she clicked and clicked until I wanted to just scoot her out
of the way.
“Ms?”
“One seat to new York…$1200.”
“What?”
“Last minute fairs double sir.” Bitch she hated me, and I didn’t have
time to flirt. So I threw her my visa.
She threw me the ticket as well as her false smile and I hot footed it
to the gate, even though it took FOR-ever to get through the damn
metal detectors.
When I reached the gate I saw her, carry on and drag behind bags in tow.
“HARRI!!!!!” I yelled over the Que. She looked over in shock almost.
“Excuse me sorry, hi excuse me…” I pushed at several old ladies…till I
got behind her. “Hi…”
“HI? That's it…you leave me hanging for HOURS with out so much as a
damn phone call? Whats up with that….”
“Ill explain but you have to come with me….” I noticed people looking
at me weirdly, its like yeah I sing, cant I fly on planes with normal
people any more? Noooo….
“Save it, I don’t need to hear this now…”
I yanked her out of the line up.
“Dude get your hands off of me!!”
“Im sorry okay but you can’t leave, I need to explain where I went…
what ive been doing…look ive been with Carmen…and”
“And nothing that's all I needed to know, okay so if you don’t mind….”
She went to walk again but I stood in front of her.
“Harri im serious…we need to talk…”
“No, I need to leave you need to…shave…” she slapped me
gently. “see ya….let your mom drop off Libby, we have tickets to a
show next week.”
“HAR, don’t.” again I grabbed her but this time she shouted at the top
of her lungs
“YOU’VE GOT A BALLOON FULL OF WHAT IN YOU ASS???? OH MY
GOD…..” She yanked her arm away, just as the two burly security
guards came into view.
“Sir…”
“What?” I snapped, not knowing they’d heard her.
“We’re going to have to ask you to come with us…”
“What? No I need to get on that plane im sorry.” Harri just walked
ahead to the woman, handed in her ticket and got on the terminal.
I on the other hand was “escorted” to a tiny Gray room in the back of
the airport.
Then I saw the woman behind the desk, the same one with lipstick in
her teeth, “yes that's him, he was very anxious to be getting on that
plane, twitching. Sweating I guess we know now why….terrorist’s come
in all kinds don’t they….” With that the two guards came to me again. And let’s just say that they got closer to my ass than any other
person, ever… I felt so violated. Why did she have to say I had
something up my ass….remind me to whack her for this?
When I got on the plane I had a window seat, just near enough to
the widow to watch Justin being led through by the guards, it made me feel a little bad. I knew what they’d do to him….and after id stopped
laughing at it being so funny – I felt bad…
But then again he needed something to toughen him up, let him know
what it felt like to be violated for a change….
I mean why couldn’t he just SAY IT just say what he’d been saying for
two years, that he loved me…see when he was saying it I couldn’t hear
it, I didn’t want to. Now that I wanted too he wouldn’t, or
couldn’t….karma ladies and gentlemen, and it was here to bite me in
the ass…speaking of ass’s it is really funny about him…I mean think about it, him at not even 160lbs being “searched” over a table by big
burly black men with gloves…
Oh im going to hell….
After they got done with me in the airport I couldn’t walk – no really it
hurt so bad, I mean what they did…I will never speak of to anyone,
except for when im yelling at Shaharra for leaving me with them.
And I will never broach the subject of anal sex, ever again….
“Mom, I need to go….hurry up!”
“Im coming okay, god…whats your hurry…it’s not like we’re gonna get
there any faster. Besides why don’t you just call her, on this new
invention – the telephone?”
“Aren’t you funny today…ive got Libby! You go get the other kid –
Trace…please?”
She smiled handing me my baby who by now was noticing her mom
wasn’t around.
“Its okay we’ll be home soon and then all this madness with be
gone…” she reached for my face…laughing as she rubbed my stubble,
apparently it was real funny.
Another thing she took from her mom, she was constantly taking off my hats and making fun of my beard….women I swear.
What I was telling her was in a sense the truth, I would be taking her home soon, but weather or not things got sorted, well that was a whole other deal.
I loved harri, that's been pretty clear from the beginning right? But then I saw different sides to her while we were a non couple. One thing that put me off her being the airport incident.
She says she loves and wants to be with me, then she knew I was getting married – which yes would have been a massive mistake but regardless, did she only tell me what I wanted to hear in order to stop the wedding….i wanted to believe otherwise but I just didn’t have the faith in her to do that….not any more.
If she didn’t, and she truly meant those things then why would she leave?
Guess I was about to find out.
*************************************************************************
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