Love isn't meant to be easy....
I didn’t know what to say when she brought up the subject of us living together AFTER we got married…I mean call me crazy, but it seemed like a no brainer, that she would move with Libby to LA with me. Set up shop so to speak in Los Angeles. In theory I was right, her job was more flexible than mine was, she could produce shows based in LA, shit she could do it ten times better from LA than she could ever in New York.
But this was Shaharra we were talking about, a woman that made even the simplest task a feature of the unachievable. A woman who over analysed every little detail to the point of insanity…a woman…who I loved with all my heart and all my soul. A woman that made me happier in myself when I grace her presence than anyone else id ever encountered.
So in that sense maybe it would be best to reconsider my plans.
I had wanted her, as my partner, my "better" half since the moment we broke up. Here I was now, I had that - she was with me. And I was not doing the one thing Id promised myself I would do.
I wasn’t making her happy.
After id pottered around with the baby, dressed and fed her, then changed her outfit again - she had something against every outfit I picked out for her? She always rubbed her food into it.
"Aw honey come on, don’t you like this?" I held up a sweater, pink.
She shook her head "Nope."
"This?" I held up a dress.
Again with the head shaking "daddy NO, this!!" she held up the fairy out fit harri had put on her at Halloween.
"Aw baby, no that's not…"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO this!!!" she stomped her feet. Man, she was getting more and more like her mother every day.
"Fine, fine…what shoes?" she pondered as she stood there in her nappy and vest. "These!"
Wellington boots??
"You sure Libby?"
She nodded. I gave up. We had to go shopping.
"Fine…fine but your wearing a coat. Let’s go get some food."
"Chocolate daddy?" she smiled at me as I picked her up, showing me her new teeth.
"Sure…"
As we suited up for the cold wind of New York City, we were met outside the appartment complex by…you guessed it the paparazzi
"Justin, can we get one shot of the kid…"
"No, you print this and I WILL sue your ass for all its worth."
"Daddy, you said ass…"
Libby looked up at me smirking, clearly she had no idea what was going on.
She just stuck her tongue out at the three guys as I hustled with her into the nearest cab.
"Daddy?"
"Yeah honey?"
"Ummm who’s dat man?"
"No one important honey…"
She sat next to me looking up with those sweet blue eyes. "Wha didn’t you say, cheese daddy. Mommy always says fo me to say cheese."
I couldn’t do anything else but laugh at her, she made everything seem so simple and straightforward.
She thought I wanted them to take my picture…like her and her mom does at home.
Too sweet.
"So they were just waiting outside the door? Bastards! I thought the court order was still in effect though J!"
"I know, so did I. that's why ive hired more security for outside the building…I mean nice part of town sure…but its just too damn open you know?"
She sighed over the line to me. "I Know…"
"You busy baby?"
"Yeah…I am…ive had three meeting today alone im so tired! I want Nothin more right now that to just crawl up with you and lib, and just relax!" she did sound tired.
"Cant you pull a sick day and leave."
"Id love too…" I heard her shuffle something in the background. "Um…Justin baby I gotta go, im late…but ill be home at 5 okay?"
"Ok…be good."
"You too snowy,I love you!"
"Love you…"
As I looked around the penthouse appartment, toys scattered, sounds of Trace playing train with Libby, and my laptop open for "meetings" with my boss’s… I realised I really liked it there. Despite the madness and the hustle of the paps, I still loved New York City. I mean as much security my places in LA would offer us as a family. It would also take away from the freedom of this city, the genuine culture and the attitude that you know you’ll never find anywhere else in the world. You dont walk in LA like you can do in New York, there isnt as much to draw you out to other people there like there is in this city.....
The city is what brought Harri and I together, its where our baby was made and born…we had so many memories here…it just took my breath away sometimes when id look at a certain place or building, and just know - something happened there with my harri. Something either good or bad, or silly.
But "stuff" happened here.
And I knew now what she meant in not wanting to let all of that go.
Because I didn’t either.
Id contemplated back and forth on what to do "for the best" and I was still undecided.
On the one hand, I adored the city. It was where I was born and raised. I just didn’t want to imagine bring up my children anywhere else.
I mean seriously, what other city in the entire world are you going to find so much diversity and culture? No where.
The city held so much for me, and I wanted it to hold the same significance for my daughter. Was that so wrong?
But on the other hand, LA had its advantages. Mostly for Justin, but still. The security there is a million times more strict and safe than it is here. In LA we’re behind yards and yards of land surrounded by big ass steel gates. With big ass men in front of them stopping’ anything that moves.
My baby needed security.
We all did.
Getting through the door at almost six thirty I heard faint sounds of splashing water as I walked further and further into the appartment. From the looks of the kitchen Libby had been having a whole tone of fun with the contents of the fridge, I don’t know how many times id told Justin to put the lock on it, but does he listen? What do you think?
So I followed the sounds into the bathroom next to our bedroom, it had the biggest bath.
And there they were. Libby in a sea of bubbles and Justin topless holding her steady whilst trying to sponge her off.
"Problems?" I said leaning into the door frame. Justin turned to face me, as Libby began bouncing shouting out momma! At the top of her little lungs.
"No, no just dinner…" he laughed as I kneeled down beside him and kissed him once on the lips - the nightly kiss id grown to wait for.
"How was your day honey?" he smiled, id mocked him about becoming "Mr Mom" and oh so suburban.
"Well it was just great…and I take it your still having issues with her lady ship and her dinner habits?" I put my hand into her as she sat in her bath seat splashing away
"Yeah, she's fussy but we’re getting there…slowly." I just nodded. Seeing him with her like that, not that it was something new, but it was something was I was getting used to. I wasnt home with her much these days, he was. We had reversed roles, and it was a role that at first I didnt want, but being a full time mom was something that if I was honest - I really really missed. As I stood and watch the two people I loved more than anything in the world just BE...I knew I had to bring it up, so I approached the subject, "Baby?"
"Mmmm?"
"I put in for a transfer today. To the LA base."
He stalled, and looked at me "huh?"
His slowness made me laugh "I want to give LA a try….I think we should give LA a try…I mean of course it’s a long way off, they have to filter and then find me a space….but maybe we could do it for a while and see how it feels."
He smiled, widely. Kissing me on the lips again. "I can’t believe you did that? I mean wow…I didn’t even have to beg."
"Yet." I sassed "but we’ll get to that later.
He still clearly loved my decision "well you'll never guess what"
"What?"
He laughed "I moved my studio sessions to here instead of LA, so that from September to December ill be here."
"You’re kidding? For real? Na- ah…"
"A-ha, I did it today…ive found producers willing to work on this here instead. I told em my family…that would you ya’ll…comes first and that they’d need to accommodate that."
I was still laughing when he lifted Libby in her towel from the bath and handed her to me.
"that's what I told my boss…she's agreed, she's annoyed that I signed my contract a month ago and now want a transfer but…eh…she's gonna have to deal. Besides there are tons of people that could do my job….only you can do yours."
"That’s not true. Only you, YOU can do what you do, and do it so well baby, and don’t ever forget that. Sure my job is a lot different but it doesn’t make it any less important and I just needed to see that…I know that we can make this work. We’re strong, aren’t we?"
"All I know is that without you I feel…wrong, empty and alone…and you know" I smiled "I guess that I love you an all…"
"You better love me…what else you gonna do?" he smiled cockily as I loaded the dishwasher - rock and roll huh?
"Oh im sure I could find something, or someone??" I bumped him out of my way with my ass.
"Ahuh, sure…." He rolled his eyes "oh I almost forgot, your mom called she said that she and Mr Bristow were heading to brunch and that she couldn’t watch Libby tomorrow."
"Who the hell’s MR Bristow?"
"I’o’know? She just said that you’d have to get a sitter or day care?" I was perplexed. She’d never mentioned anyone like that before. Usually it was bridge or bingo, not brunch - with a man?
"Are your bags all packed J?" I asked finally taking my seat on the sofa. As Libby played at our feet.
He groaned "I thought we weren’t gonna talk about it?"
"Im not!" I defended "I just don’t want you forgetting something, that's all…"
See, he was leaving to start shooting a movie - in Los Angeles - the next day. Sure it was a sore subject, hence the no talking about it rules. He was going to be gone for over two months.
It royally sucked since at that time I was in sweeps and I couldn’t get any time off.
We were both looking at this as one of the many tests our relationship had faced and had yet to face.
A challenge we were both willing to take on, we were after all solid.
And if we weren’t, this would prove it or smash any preconceptions we had and shatter them to the wind.
Bring it on….
*****
"Wake up baby…." I heard in a soft voice, a voice that was usually used for - seductive matters.
"Mmmm…Im up…" I manage through the pillow that id moulded my face into.
"No, J WAKE UP!" she yelled laughing causing me to shoot up so fast the blood in my veins was still catching up.
"What, what im up…."
Then I opened my eyes, seeing her laughing lying next to me in the same tank top and black boy shorts that's she’d slept in the night before. Still, sexy as hell. "Ugh today’s Wednesday isn’t it…" I plopped back down next to her, so tempted to just lose myself in her embrace.
"Yes it is, its D day…you’re leaving."
"Uhh, don’t say it…" I necessled my head into her belly. Her soft breast just above my cheek, the feel of her breathing in and out, some how managed to calm me.
"I have to"
"No you don’t…"
She laughed and the rumble from her chest vibrated against me. "It’s now 7:10... Tiny’s coming to pick your ass up at what?"
"2" I sounded out, more of a muffled number through the material of her shirt.
"Okay, so since you’re all packed and shit, let’s just relax together for a few hours then."
That perked me up.
"Innninteresting. What did you have in mind?"
She just rolled her sweet eyes at my obvious suggestion.
"What? Im not gonna see you in the flesh for what? Over a month….cant we just…" I wriggled my eyebrows at her so she’d get the point.
She kissed me once on the mouth, but before I could distract her with a kiss-a-thon she moved.
"I have to get Libby…." Suddenly she seemed shy around me, what was up with that?
I knelled on the bed, grabbing her hand before she could bolt. "Hey, Har whats with the awkwardness?"
"Nothin’" she looked down at the ground as I pulled her to me again, making her land on the bounce of the mattress. "Baby? I may look it but I aint dumb….whats up?"
She shrugged, "you’re leaving, that's what…."
"Yeah, we’ve known this…"
"I know…" she whined "but it just happened SO fast…this last few months have just shot by, but ive gotten so used to you being here, when I wake up, when we put Libby to bed…"
I sighed, I knew what she meant, and this whole family thing got comfortable REAL fast.
"I know, im gonna miss you both like crazy you know that don’t you? I mean your both…my world…"
I saw a smile form on her lips, then I saw her teeth, and then she looked me in the eyes, "you’re a cheese ball, snowball…" she laughed "but god DO I love you?"
I rolled my eyes playfully at her "I think god says YES you love him and all his cheesy ass ways cause he’s your man and that's that…"
"Is that so?" she wrapped her arms around my neck looking into my face
"Yup, now kiss me before she wakes up and wants to know why daddy was making mommy shout." I recalled the incident a week before when lil Libby came silently into our room at 1am, bottle in hand….and demanded to know what we were doin….it wasn’t pretty.
Harri laughed at that "lock the door…"
He did as she asked, and made his way back to the bed before stopping "I have to brush…."
He referred to his teeth, and since he already knew she had been and done the same he should have realised her intentions all along.
"You have two seconds!" Harri announced sliding back onto the bed again as he shot off into the ensuite bathroom.
As he made his appearance again he flashes his pearly whites her way as he bounced on the bed beside her.
"Sex me up woman…"
"Fuck you!" she smiled.
"Oh, we’ll get to that!!" he smiled again as he reached around and pulled her in for another kiss, one that this time he intended on making last.
He slipped his hands from her neck to the hem of her tank, on both sides he gripped before he swiped it upwards and over her head. Then he moved to let her hair out of the hair grip it was held in, strands of brown and red hair fell about her face and neck.
He liked her new highlights, but since she seemed to have different coloured ones in each week, he knew not to get too attached to the shade.
She placed her hands on his hard round shoulders, pushing him downwards before she straddled him, effortlessly sliding his boxers of in the process before she took her seat on top of him. All the while her mouth leaving supple wet kisses all down his neck. This elicited a moan from his lips and it caused her to look him in the eyes "I love every part of you…" she said in all seriousness, not once breaking eye contact with him.
"Shaharra…" he only used her full name in situations were he was being absolutely serious. "You…are my angel…you’re the one person in the whole world that I love more than anyone….more deeply, more passionately, more tenderly that anyone…you’re my everything baby."
She nodded as he kissed her deeply once, before she knelled up to remove her shorts, shortly after…she was attached to him again. In the way that only they could together, they fit so well.
Not just physically in the moment but with each other, its like they could read each others mind.
What one wanted the other gave, and vice versa. The rhythmic thrusting and moaning all portraying a love, which sometimes was silly, sometimes insensitive, but was always one thing.
Genuine.
Now if only they knew that, that would be the easy part….
Right? Riiight??
Wrong.
Finally getting up to leave the appartment was….excruciating. But we knew that it was something that had to be done, no matter how hard.
I had signed on for this movie, months before harri and I even considered getting back together. It was in pre production for a long time, and suddenly 4 months into our "revised" relationship, I get the call.
Its show time, and I just couldn’t punk out and say "no, im too loved up to give a shit about work any more…forget it?" No, I couldn’t.
So there I was, boarding my private jet to LA. With my "PA"/ professional asshole in tow.
"Yo’ J?"
"Yeah trace?" I answer as I continued to put my I POD earphones in my ears.
"You an harri are tight right?" he took another handful of peanuts and shoved them in his mouth, "what I mean is…isn’t she a little weirded out you being…you know…gone all this time?"
I tired to ignore him, of course we were tight. But come on? What woman in their right mind would be "ok" with being apart for almost eight and a half weeks? No woman, and not my woman…but it had to be done.
"She’s fine with it"
"Are you?"
"Yeah…" I pumped up my shuffle and one of my favourite songs popped up. It was one of Elton’s….
The entire flight from the big apple to La was tiring, and it didn’t help anyone’s attitude when I got off the plane to a cluster of pap’s, all awaiting me to do something "amazing" you know I mean other that walk and get into the car, which in their circle seemed to be enough to sell shit on me…
Sad, I know…
"So what time should I get tiny to pick us up tomorrow?" Trace snapped me out of my silence, one that id been in since the car picked us up at the airport.
"Umm, well they said on set call, for rehearsals for at 9? So…um I guess 8am?" I dropped my bags by the entrance before I made my way into the house. To more than anything, survey the damage.
Since I hadn’t been there in months, really since Carmen and I left for Vegas, I wasn’t looking forward to the mess id have to face.
Ugh…
I knew that she had come back here, mainly to pick up her things.
I knew that because I saw her key, still sitting on the "save the planet" key chain that she left on the hallway table.
There was a musty smell, one that always seemed to accumulate in my homes, when I was gone.
And in the LA heat, that wasn’t a good thing. So the first thing that I did, I opened all my windows and turned on the A/C.
Then I looked at my answering machine, there were 52 messages.
Usually I was really good at remembering to check over shit like that, but since id been with harri in New York, I sort of liked to forget that this world still existed, and just live in the one we had created.
"Trace…"
"What???" I saw him poke his head round the door.
"Go through these messages for me will ya? Let me know if there is anything on there that is REALLY important, ive to go call harri.
He walked over to the machine. "Fuck sake, 52 messages? Man why do I gotta do this? They called here, so you know it’s for you!"
I just rolled my eyes at him, not wanting to deal with his shit any more. "You’re gettin’ paid to be my assistant, so shut the fuck up and ASSIST me!"
He looked stunned, "what the fuck bit you in the ass?"
"Nothin’….just…Nothin’" as I climbed the stairs to my bedroom that I longed for I couldn’t help just feeling totally alone.
It sounds completely pussy whipped I know, but being with Libby and Shaharra like that, full time…it got real comfortable, real fast and to be honest I loved it.
Now? It was like it was before. I was here, she was there, with my baby…alone without me, and I was without them.
I didn’t like it, not one little bit.
"That's in two weeks, yeah that's the deadline…Ahuh, look call me back and ill have the air date for you?...okay cool, bye.." as I hung up my third call with the executives of PUNK’D that hour I just needed a break from the ringing.
"Coffee?" Zack, my assigned partner of two years poked his head into my office and announced.
"Sounds really good…" I sat back in my leather chair again, trying to find comfort and de-stress.
"Good!" he walked him, like a living breathing A&F model holding two mugs full of Joe.
"So how’s things goin’ with you harri?"
"Good, mostly tryin’ to meet all these shitty deadlines for production meetings, starting next week is a pain in the ass! How are things over in the "Sweet 16" department?"
"Eh…" he rolled his eyes "I swear if I see another 15 year old whine into her "daddy’s" face ill deck em! Spoilt! And no ones sees it, how anyone watches this shit, is BEYOND ME!" he laughed.
"I hear you baby…" I nodded "oh hey, how are things with…whatshernames??? Umm…." I know he told me her name, I know he did.
"Joanne?"
"Yup! That's her, how are things with her?" since he’d been on holiday for two weeks, we needed our daily catch up.
"Um…well you know how I had this whole thing planned, take her to figi, wine and dine right?"
"Mmmm?"
"Yeah, that didn’t go as well as I planned." He stated stretching his long legs against my desk as he sat opposite me.
"Why not?"
"I got home that night, with the plane tickets in my backpack (he was 22, it was still okay for him to carry around such an item.) And well…I basically caught her at it with john."
Oh, john was his brother.
"Shit…"
"Yeah…" he shrugged. "so I ended up going alone…it was so embarassin harri, I mean the people at the hotel didn’t get my message and they had our room decked out - for love….it was sickening!"
I felt really bad for him, he was a genuinely nice guy that worked really hard. And he really loved that BITCH! I walked over to his side of the desk. "Aw baby im sorry…come ‘ere" I coach him into a friendly hug.
"Are you gonna be okay?"
"Yeah you know me, im resilient, the bit that gets me though, he's my brother? You know?"
"I know, it must suck? Have you talked about it?"
" NO! Ive been avoiding him and HER as much as I can…turns out, they’re dating…can you believe that! Makes my stomach turn."
Poor guy.
"Im sorry Zack."
He waved his hand at me, like id no need to be. "Enough about me…how’s you and MR America doin’" he smiled. It was always his name for Justin, since as he said when I first told him who I was dating waaaay back in the day, "that dudes covered the entire damn country with his moves" slightly gay ill grant you, but apparently his sister was a big nsync fan…
"He’s fine thank you very much…" I faked smiled and then I stopped frontin’ "actually he left a few days ago, for LA…he's got this movie thing goin’ on…and yeah…"
"For how long?"
"Couple of months."
"Shit…"
"Yup…so that's that, id love to go see him…but" I held up my hands "there is a nation of shallow teens that needs to be entertained, so…I guess it’ll have to wait."
"So you and I are both in the self pity boat today huh?" he laughed a little.
"Looks like it."
He looked at me for a second "well for what its worth, if I had you…or someone as close to amazing as you are, nothin would make me wanna leave you for that long."
I know he was just trying to make me feel better, I mean, he was…wasn’t he?
No way in hell could he have meant anything by it…No. I knew him; we were friends, buddy’s, workmates, that's IT!
Right?
Once again my phone rang, but this time it was my cell. "I like the way you move" from outkast rang through, I knew it could only be one person.
"Hi baby?"
"Hey…you busy?"
"Nope." I nodded to Zack "im just at work, whats up with you?"
"On break, set changes…are you with someone?"
Ummm…
"No im not, im just…it’s just me."
See, not the best of ideas. But y’all know Justin by now, and you know that he has a small problem of jumping to conclusions when you KNOW there aint Nothin to get jumpin’ about. If I told him about zack he’d want to know what he looked like, and to be honest….the boy was HOT with a capital H.O.T so I couldn’t exactly say that now could I? And then he’d want to know how much time we spent together, and again…not something I wanted him stressing about. Because, to me at least - it wasn’t a big deal.
Zack waved and made his way out of my office.
"Uuhk well I just thought id give you a quick ring. Girl I miss y’all so much it’s crazy."
It had only been 3 days. But 3 very LONG days, and even longer nights.
"I know, I miss you too…Libby wants to know where you are ALL the time, no matter how many times I tell her, its just not enough….I think she really misses the night time stories, apparently I don’t "Do it 'wite, not like daddy does…" so there you go."
"She likes it when you make voices up…wonky, dorky ones…and hey, you know im the king of dork!"
"Cant argue with that one baby." I laugh. "You sound tired…"
"Ehh I am…ive had three bit scenes today, all involving me getting my ass kicked."
"Well, you’re the one that signed on for a soldier movie."
"It’s a war epic."
"Ahuh…"
"Anyway…what time will you be home tonight? I wanna catch Libby before you put her to bed."
"Actually im off in about an hour, that's me then till Monday…"
"I don’t see ho they can still ask you to work on a Saturday any ways..." he trailed off.
"I know, but im needed here..." I was the one to trail off then as I stared out of my window, all fifteen floors up.
"You’re needed here too...." his voice came out quite, almost whisper like then.
"Baby…."
"Harri" he whined "is there ANY way of you getting off work?? Any?"
"Its sweeps sweetheart you know that….shit, you know id be there in a second if I could…"
"I know…" he said softly again, then I heard shuffling behind him. "Uhh honey, that's my cue…Im being called back to set…so uhh…"
"Wait. I never got to ask you, whats the cast like???" I knew he was nervous, I mean it was Tom Cruise and Michael Douglas for god sakes, as well as a few actors our age….Omar Epps, and Zack Braff.
"Um, yeah its cool…everyone’s real nice and so far there hasn’t been any problems, so…yeah it’s good."
"You meet everyone yet?"
"No…but uh…" he sounded like he was walking "I have a rehearsal with Omar tomorrow and a few others…."
"Cool…" he sounded far too distracted to actually hold a conversation with him. So I decided to just stop "well baby good luck okay? Ill let you go…"
"Ok…Love you."
"I…"
"Oh yeah… I love you…" he managed a laugh, it spanned from the conversation that we had weeks before. That once you start saying the I love you, without the "I" then it didn’t mean shit. I had to correct myself at times…but I think I had a valid point? Right?
"Yeah just you remember that, I love you too you dork! Talk to me soon okay?"
"Will do…bye." And with that I knew he’d hung up. And as soon as he did the pangs of loneliness started again. He was right when he said he needed me there, because the truth was - I needed him just as bad.
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