Sheer Temptation
“Kali??? Girl where you at??” I asked loudly turning her key that she’d given me as I entered her appartment.
“We’re in here!!” was what I heard coming from the bedroom. It was after 2, so Liberty should have been just up from her nap.
“Aw, there's my princess!!” I animated holding out my arms to my smiling baby girl as she giggled when she saw me. “Where you a good girl for auntie Kali??” she nodded, still not taking her pacifier from her mouth.
“Was she?” I directed at my friend.
“Yeah, she just woke up a few minutes ago actually; she's so pleasant when she wakes up…its cute.”
“I know it a totally different story tryin to get her to go down at night though….sometimes Justin gets her so riled up…UGH, takes forever!” her sparkling blue eyes fixed on me again, id noticed just how big she was getting, at 2…I knew early on that she’d be a tall girl. Thankfully she got her daddy’s genes in that department too.
“momma.” She took the dummy from her mouth and said.
“Mmmm?”
“wher’a‘s daddy?”
If I hadn’t said it before, my Libby was a definite daddy’s girl….
“He’s working baby, remember? He’ll be home soon though okay?”
She shrugged and smiled “okay”
“Har? You want a beer?” kali offered. Sitting in her chair by the TV, in full on make up. Tight jeans and a small sweater – cashmere if I wasn’t mistaken.
“Are you heading out?”
“Nope…well not now? But um…Leesa and a few of the girls were thinking of heading to a few bars in town…” she looked at me awkwardly “You know later on…”
Sure I knew why. Since Justin and I had gotten back together- things with my friends…changed.
It was never intentional or thought out. But it just seemed when I had him around me, and my baby to take care of…that side of me just, disappeared.
It was like id said, never something that id thought about.
But I guess my priorities changed, I had a family to think about, those other girls just didn’t seem to get it, when I said id rather stay in and hang out with Justin…
“Oh…”
“You…could come too, you know if you wanted.”
“No…” I dismissed quickly, hell I saw how awkward she was, it wasn’t like I wanted that to continue. “Your okay, I wouldn’t be able to get a sitter…and you know…” I looked away, suddenly feeling very old.
Old at 26. Shit.
“No seriously, it’s been a long while since we ALL got together and just partied…come on, it’ll be fun! And im sure your mom, or isn’t j’s mom in town? Couldn’t they?”
my mother was on another one of her “dates” that weren’t “dates” but I really knew they were “dates” and it was true, Lynn was in town…maybe?
“What time are y’all heading out?”
“8ish…depending on how much make up leesa wants to wear this time.” She cackled.
“right well, um…Ill see lynn and ask…if she can, if I can…Ill be here at 7;45…if not, ill call, that cool?”
“Yes, finally…it’s been a while since we’ve seen you get your groove on girl. You know that just aint right…”
She was right, Justin and I rarely went clubbing any more, we had been on two small vacations in the five or so months that we had been back together…but those were spent on the beach or on a bed. Neither bad…but just not very social able either?
“Ill be there”
As I put the lasting touches to my make up and ruffled my newly tightened curls, I caught my mothers gaze in the mirror.
“What ma?”
“Nothin’”
“Ma…come on, whats with the look?”
She let out a tired breath, “it’s just…I never seen you get this dressed up for Justin.”
Aw, the guilt trip. It was bad enough when I got the look from Lynn, who was getting ready for dinner with Paul as we spoke...Hence my momma's presence.
“I aint getting dressed up for no one but me mom okay? And it’s not that I don’t do this…its just that we usually never wanna go out clubbin’”
“I remember him asking you several times on your birthday, then at thanksgiving, and after Chris-“
“Ok, okay I get it…Jesus. Look ill be honest, going out…Like OUT, out with him….as fun as it is, its just not worth all the hassle that goes with it.”
“Just because y’all have to have security? Baby I thought you’d be used to that by now?”
“It’s not just that, it’s the whole thing…the pap’s, the fans, the staring.”
She glanced at my chest, my rather ample and exposed chest…not fully. But my girls were working over time in the dress id squashed my ass into.
“it doesn’t seem that you have a problem with people staring at you baby.”
“Mom…”
“Don’t MOM me, okay? Im just sayin that's all…I feel sorry for the guy, all alone in LA waiting on you to call.”
“Ill call him, ill be home early!” I fluffed my hair again and grabbed my bag “she's gone down about a half hour, so that's should be here till 8am, but if she does wake up, her bottles are in the fridge.”
“I know Shaharra; I am her gran-ma you know?”
I nodded “well im her mom, it’s in my blood to worry, just like your doin about me, right now.”
“I still say you could call him now and tell him your going clubbing, that's all im asking…cause what happens when he calls here.”
“You tell him im out…that's it! Mom come on, you know how he is, he’ll read all kinds of shit into it, and with him being so far away, he's gonna think things…”
“Like he's not good enough for you to go out in public with, but your girls are fine. Im sure he’ll understand” she sounded oh, so patronizing.
I heard the honk of my taxi. “I haveta go” I kissed her on the cheek and walked out grabbing my coat in the process.
“Love you…”
“MOM”
“Sorry, I love you.”
“I love you too!” I smiled making my way out the door. Tonight, I was gonna have some fun. So good old fashioned girlie – adult FUN!
As soon as I heard my pickup car rounding the drive way, I threw down my bags, and just landed on the couch.
Pure heaven, after a day on my feet the horizontal peace I was getting was extremely appreciated.
It was just after 2am, id been on set since the other a.m, I just needed sleep, and lots of it.
But then there was a different thing that I needed more than sleep, more than anything else.
I needed to talk to my girl, if I couldn’t hold her till I fell asleep the least I wanted to do was talk to her till I nodded off.
A thing we used to do a lot when we very first started dating, when id been on tour with Nsync, or just when I was in another city, we’d sit up and talk for hours on end…about nothing and everything.
I loved it, and I missed it when we broke up.
As I waited on the ringing to stop and for her to answer, I got it. Except it wasn’t her, it was her mom?
“Hillary?”
“Oh hi Justin, how are you?”
“Uhh im good…um is harri there?” I still felt weird around her mom at times.
“Actually no, she uhh, she went out with some friends.”
“Oh, to the movies or something?”
“No, I think they went to a bar? Or a club or somethin’ she didn’t say really. Im babysitting.”
Oh…
“Really? She never mentioned that when I called earlier? Oh well…is Libby okay?”
“Yeah she is, she's been in bed since 8…good as gold, thank goodness. How’s work?”
“Works, work…hard work!” I managed a laugh “im real tired… I just wanted to talk to her before I went to bed…but I guess Ill do that in the morning. Night Hillary.”
“Yes, goodnight Justin.” She clicked off.
It had been so long since harri had expressed any desire to go out clubbing? She never wanted to go out partying with me? We just sort of fell into this routine, sure it got a little boring at times? But what routine didn’t? I would always offer to take her out, and we did. We dinner, we did up scale “grown up – parenty things…” but we hadn’t done anything sexy and fun in…well in a while.
I mean its not like I minded being a stay at home dad while she worked. In fact I loved it. Being unable to see the baby for so long on a day to day basis before harri and I got back together, well it just made me appreciate my time with both my girls a lot more when we did it the second time around.
Sure for most men my age, it seemed like a death wish, but not to me.
And yeah maybe I knew deep down that the reason harri hated “goin’ out” with me was because of the attention we – I got.
Can’t say I blame her, but being at home in LA alone and lonely…well it just made me miss her more.
As we reached the club, and skipped the waiting line thanks to Leesa’s connections ‘i.e. she's been bouncing with the security guard’.
We made our way into the “VIP” area. To be honest I didn’t want the VIP area, I was sick of it to be honest. It was something we had to do every where we went these days.
Im not complaining….well okay maybe I am, but come on! It’s JUST a little roped off room with crapper music than in the actual club.
BLAHHH.
“Yo’ can’t we just hang down stairs? I thought this was meant to be a fun night Kali?” she looked at me as she sipped her Cosmo.
“What? This is fun, wait a few minutes and the bar tender will come with some free champers!” she smiled. Umm, not to be a snob but why was this a big deal?
See what he’s done to me?!?!?!?
“Uhh great.” I added sipping my vodka and red bull. The latest kanye trip came on the decks and the crowd through the glass floor and walls that I saw went wild! The idea that just one song could lift the crowd like that, it made me want to move.
“Let’s dance!” I said excitedly grabbing Leesa’s hand and dragging her out of the VIP room and down on to the dance floor with all my real people. As we bumped with each other and laughed our way from one side of the floor to the other, I bumped into one person I recognised out of the crowd.
“ZACK!!!” I yelled as he approached me smiling, drink in his hand.
“hey girl, what you doin’ down here! DOWN town…I thought your scene was more uppish!”
“Boy, come on now, I know you KNOW that's not true!” he danced against me and then I introduced him to Leesa.
As they acknowledged each other, we all danced together. Then we swaggered off the floor and over to the bar and we all three of us, took our seats.
“What you havin Har….Leesa??”
Leesa spoke up and rhymed off her tipple as did I. “So…Zack...” Leesa looked at me knowingly as she licked her glossed lips. “How long have you known my Harri here?”
He handed us both our drinks “bout…What Har? 3…4 years now? Even since I switched departments, she was my angel at first, I didn’t know what I was doin’”
“Reeeeally?” she smiled at me. The “ooh you have a secret” smile I knew from her.
“Yeah, it’s been great though, she's a real gem.”
“Yes, yes she is…” she sipped her drink and I had to butt in.
“You know I didn’t help you THAT much, I mean you’ve been a help to me more than anything…”
“Aww, you two are SO cute.” Leesa added “have you met Justin, Zack?”
“What?” he leaned in to her, against the loud music.
“Her fiancée?”
“you’re engaged?” he asked, looking as puzzled as he should have…you know, since I sort of hadn’t told him that I was engaged an all…
“Yeah, you didn’t know? How strange, you two being such good “friends” an all…Harri?” she eyed me again, and I swear I wanted to HIT her.
“Zack…I didn’t want to say anything, you’ve been having a rough time with the whole evil Joanne thing and all, so I just figured…id tell you later!” I shrugged. He just smiled
“Harri, congrats! This is big news, I mean yeah ive been down in the dumps lately but…come on! This is you and Justin we’re talking about here. Isn’t this like the wedding of the century?!?”
I smiled; something in his smile reminded me of Justin’s.
“Yeah it is, I can’t wait to be honest. Im so nervous!”
“Why?”
“Eh…hello! Marriage is so…final.”
“And a baby isn’t?” he smirked “come on, your both made for this and you know it!” then he leaned in and added “even though it will hard to see you married, your too hot to be someone’s wife!”
As Leesa and I made our excuses to the bathroom, she eyed me again. “Girl why didn’t you tell me about the hottie out there?”
“What about him?” I asked, rooting for my lip gloss in my bag. “He’s just Zack.”
“And he's JUST hot as hell…”
“You and a white boy? For real?”
“This one is different, did you see those eyes….” She looked up at me “how can you NOT think he's hot.”
“Cause im engaged…” I laughed. Even though, yeah…he was…
“But before, girl…I want that lil snowflake.”
“Ill ask him for you then…” I offered if only to shut her up. Then I checked my cell. Two missed calls, for Justin.
Id call him later.
“Zack…how are things now? With you and your brother? Any change?”
He just rolled his sweet little eyes…deep sexy eyes….
“Nah. And to be honest im sick of hearing about them…they’ve cause so much shit…Not just with me, but with my mom and dad…the whole family…it just sucks.” He took another gulp of his beer…
“Well, you know leesa?” I glanced over my shoulder to a dancing Lees and Kali, with a few of the other girls that had joined us.
“Yeah?”
“She likes you, Annnnd…” I giggled “God I feel like im 12 again, but umm…would you like to…I dunno? See her sometime?”
He sat back in his chair, “wow…”
“Im sorry I know this is childish, and she usually doesn’t get a go between, but she thought that since I know you better an all…” I shrugged.
“Harri, id love too…but I just can’t even think about dating anyone new right now….”
“Because of Joanne?”
“yeah.” He coughed sitting up right again, then he leaned into my ear “and if there was anyone id be interested in like that right now…it wouldn’t be her…it would be the girl ive been crushing on since forever…”
“And who’s what? Britney spears?” I sniggered. But he didn’t. He leaned in again. “No, It would be you…it’s always been you…”
With that he kissed me on the cheek and walked away.
And I can’t tell you the emotions that flowed through me at that moment. But the most major one was sheer confusion.
He…had a crush…ON ME? No… I mean we flirted, sure but it wasn’t any different than the friendly flirting I did with everyone…wasn’t it? I mean he was a cutie sure…but it didn’t go any further that a little light playing.
Just something to pass the time in the office quicker right?
I loved Justin…
Oh yeah…Justin.
I tossed and turned all night. It was 8:15 and it was my late day so I didn’t HAVE to get up. But I just couldn’t sleep like I normally could ‘i.e. through a hurricane’
So I got up, went down stairs and poured myself a large bowl of lucky charms with almost a gallon of milk.
Switched on CNN and waited on the phone. Technically it was her turn to call.
And as if she’d read my mind the phone rang and it was her.
“Hey baby…” she sounded tired. Then again it was still 4ish am her time.
“hey…what you doin’”
“Getting a cab home, I just went out with the girls…but I lost Kali so I had to find her before I got to get the cab!” she laughed “im wrecked, and maybe a little druk.”
“Drunk?”
“That’s what I said! Are you still in bed?”
“Nah, just got up…cant sleep without you now…”
“Sap!”
“Nah girl I just miss you.”
She sighed longingly “I miss you too, So much baby. Im coming out there as soon as I can! I mean that, ive handed in my notice I leave the office in the city in a week!”
“Then you and lib will come out here?” I smiled.
“YUP! I can’t wait!” she sighed, as did I. "Justin, when did we get so old...."
"Huh?"
"Us, the way we act now...We act like we're 60 or something."
Did we really?
"Look I know things between us hasnt been as....I dunno, as exciting as it was when we first started out, but I think that's just because we got comfortable with each other over time.”
She sighed again “that's my point, we’re not even in our thirties yet…we shouldn’t be “comfortable” just yet.”
“Baby you’re drunk, we’ll talk when you’ve had some sleep okay.”
Again she sighed. “Sure…love you.”
And with that she clicked off, she didn’t say ‘I’ she always said I when she meant it…
Obviously she didn’t this time.
*********************************************************************************
My head was banging, constantly banging…my mouth felt like it was encased in sand with no sight of water.
I was dying.
I hadn’t had a hangover in a long time, in well over a year at least. It didn’t help anything in me when Libby came bouncing through the door, and I glanced at my clock.
9:30…I hadn’t even had five hours sleep maybe I was older than I wanted to be.
“Hey pumpkin, what are you doin’”
“Mommy…” she held her arms up for me to pick her up. I did, pulling her in with me inside the warmth of the comforter.
“Yeah baby?”
“wher’a’s daddy….”
“I told you sweetie he’s working…you wanna call him?”
She rolled her eyes at me. The little madam. “No, mommy I wanna show him my picture.” The small crumbled piece of paper she held in her little hand, “see…”
It was just scribbles, but she was my baby so you know it was awesome in my eyes.
“What is it honey?”
“Daddy, you, an me…see…” she pointed to the big blue line and the little red line " and that's the sea side member momma, member hi-e.
“Hawaii.” I corrected.
“Dats what I said hi-e….member?” her little eye brow lifted, so much like her daddy’s. And yeah I remembered. It was where we all went when we first got back together – after the whole “Carmen fiasco” we just rented a house in Maui and chilled for almost three weeks of heaven.
I missed that.
“Lets call daddy okay?”
“OOOOK!” she squealed hoping off the bed and handing me the cordless beside the bed. As I dialled his cell, the machine came on.
That meant one thing. He was on set.
“He’s at work baby; wanna say something so he can hear it later?” I handed her the phone. It took almost her two hands to hold it. And she spoke into it.
“Daddy, I made a picture FO you….mommy’s he-a where you at??” she looked in the phone “mom he's not ther-a?”
“He will be later though, so hang up baby.”
Having poured myself the largest glass of cold water and after taking about three Advil, I was beginning to feel like myself again.
I had a missed call on my cell, it wasn’t Justin. It was my mom.
“hey, I left at 7 this morning, while you my girl had barely hit the pillow…well any way, Libby slept right through, she didn’t even miss you…you have fun??? Well, ill call you when I get off work ive a full case load today, so I might not be able to get in touch…I love you. Bye!”
I didn’t have work, and Libby didn’t have day care. After breakfast we decided to trek up town, a little retail therapy was needed. That and her lady ship needed new shoes. She was growing so fast these days; it was like her size changed every few weeks.
“You ready.”
“Yuuup, mommy can we get chocolate shakes?”
I looked down at her, she wasn’t aloud chocolate – it made her hyper.
“Who gets you shakes?” like I needed to ask.
“Daddy…we go to dipody and get em’, can we mom??” Dipody?? Oooh Serendipity.
“Well honey maybe just this once, but daddy should know better.” I talked to myself more than her.
“I know momma.” She answered smiling up at me, even though she hadn’t a clue what I was talking about.
***
After six intense scenes, I was done. It was a short work day but a demanding one non the less.
As soon as I got back to my trailer I clicked on my cell.
Several messages, but only one that tug at my heart.
It was my baby, something about a picture…then I heard Harri in the background, but she didn’t leave a message.
For some reason that sadden me.
I had to call her, but as my BAD luck would have it, I got the machine too.
“Hi baby, look you’re out…clearly…umm I got the message from the baby, sweet right? Umm…you know I hate these things so…uhh yeah im off now so if you wanna call when you get in then…Ill be at home, so yeah…bye.”
I really did hate answer phones. I froze up when I had to talk to them, and not the real person, it irked me.
“Honey do you like these?” I held up a small pair of pink Mary Janes that would go with the little cashmere sweater id picked out, “momma, its pink.” She looked up at me with those amazing cerulean eyes, so reminiscent of daddy’s.
“I know.”
“I’o like it…can I have this!!” she smiled excitedly it was a pair of boys dungarees.
“No, honey they’re for boys….come look with me over here okay?” the store we were in was relatively ‘exclusive’ so exclusive that you had to have a ‘members’ card just to get through the door.
I won’t lie; the perks of having Justin as my baby daddy were endless at times. And I fully took advantage of them; I mean what woman doesn’t want the best for her child.
“Baby are you hungry?” I asked, suddenly growing tired of shopping, after all we’d been out a good few hours.
“Mmmm…can we go to mc Donald’s?”
“How about…” I pepped as I picked her up “we go home and I make you your favourite!”
“Skettie an meatballs with fries?!?” she shouted, god love her…for weeks it was ALL she would eat.
“YEAH!!!” I mimicked her smile. “Let’s get us a cab….”
“Justin, what are you doin’”
“Just Cleaning. This place is a tip!” I answered him from the floor.
“Yeah…I get that, but what I don’t get is why YOU are cleaning!?! Dude, they have people who do that for you here…where did Celia go?”
“Celia was Carmen’s ‘maid’ and I never wanted that…”
Trace popped up on the counter as I finished cleaning under the refrigerator. “Okay but you have to admit, have a house keeper to….keep the house really was nifty, it was like living with your mom, but with NO nagging.”
“Id rather do it myself…” I snapped.
“Fine Jesus what bit your ass today! Id forgotten you went and got all domestic an shit in New York.”
“What?”
“You’ve ‘grown up’ an all since you moved out there with Harri. Become Mr Mom an all…everyone says so man.”
“Everyone?”
“yeah all the boys we’d hang with here, remember when we’d be the 20 something’s that we are, when we’d go clubbin’ go have…whats the word…oh, right… FUN! But im guessing since you got pussy whipped you don’t remember that part any more do you.” The arrogant son of a bitch laughed at me.
“Look just cause I take care of my business at home don’t mean I don’t have fun…you’ve seen my woman, so you know that's enjoyable…”
“Yeah ive seen her, but I also know that you two act like your middle aged or something…it’s pathetic.”
“What the fuck are you talkin’ about? Harri and I are hot together okay, we have an exceptionally healthy sex life and-“
“Yeah, sex life and no real life…that's what am sayin here j. I mean come on, when was the last time y’all went out, to a public thing…huh? You and Carm would do that ALL the time….it didn’t hurt your career now did it.” I knew what he meant, since I had become half of harri’s family id become closed off from the rest of the world.
He shrugged “am just sayin’”
“You’re just being a pain in the ass that's ALL you're doin….”
He finally gave up. “Im sorry Justin but in the three weeks you’ve been here all you’ve done is work and come home ALONE to sulk or whatever…you’re no fun anymore man….its boring, and you were never EVER boring…”
“Im not…sulking, im just…homesick I guess…I miss em’ man, I miss my baby…being a dad trace it changes you inside and out – it changes you. She's my priority and yeah…I spent a lot of time away from her at first, id party screw around I know that, but dude…she's my little girl.”
“I know man, and im sorry, you know I was just messing’ right? I know you miss em’ but hey…why don’t you try and get harri to come out here?”
That disheartened me.
“Ive tried, but since ive been out here…ive maybe spoken to her all of six times. She's been busy, getting ready to transfer eventually, she's coming She says she is…so yeah…she's gonna be here then but im not.”
“Cause of the New York thing?”
“Yeah. I mean they’ll be here soon sure, but then Ill have to go start promotions an shit. It’s killing me.”
“But she IS coming? That's something right? You two loved it here before.”
I knew what the “before” meant.
“But then we were….kids…we partied non stop…we didn’t have any real responsibilities.”
“People do manage to juggle kids and a social life you know Justin…maybe you two could try that, before the rest of your friends forget what you look like.” He shrugged, walking out of the kitchen. He was the one that was sulking; he was the one that suddenly lost his “drinking buddy” his confidant, his best friend. And yeah, as gay as it sounds I know what he meant. Shaharra had become my buddy, my confidant, my best friend….she became my everything.
And maybe…just maybe that wasn’t the best idea in the world. To depend on just one person to be there for you in all aspects of life.
I needed to surround myself with other people again…..and Id start right now.
“Hey Trace! Wait up man….”
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