A heartbreaking mis-uderstanding
“Mom you have her things right? Everything you think you’ll need?” I asked panicking as I packed my weekend bag in the living room.
“Honey im sure for the last time, its two days, what could I possibly forget that she won’t need for just two days…”
“I know, but I worry you know that, I can’t help it.”
She nodded as she held my baby “I know…believe me…do you have everything?”
“I do, now I have to go if I don’t wanna miss my plane.”
“You haven’t told Justin have you?”
That made me smile. I lied to my boss; I said I had a family
emergency. This was true in a sense, it was an emergency that I see
my love again before he and I tore each other apart….
I knew that all this miscommunication wasn’t good; in fact it wasn’t
even close to good. I needed to see him in order to get things back
on track again. “Nope, it’s hopefully gonna be a total surprise!”
I kissed my mom goodbye, I kissed my baby and I headed off. I
hated planes but just this once I was excited, since I knew what would
be happening, when I got off at the other end.
No pun intended.
Getting off set that evening, I was more than happy to see the inside
of my car, my house and my bedroom.
I was tired as hell. Id been up since 4am and I think it was around six
pm…the last thing I needed was any visitors. So I ignored the car in
the driveway and made my way inside my room.
Landing on my bed I sighed a breath that id been holding in all day. I
was relieved to get lying down.
Harri was right when she said id regret doing a war film that takes so
much out of you physically. Plus that and my character is a complete
psychopath. Don’t get me wrong im loving the challenge but
sometimes I wish id opted for the rom com with Keira knightly, would
have been so much easier. But no, there I was still in my “army”
uniform, dirty and in grazed make up.
Id been lying there all of ten maybe twenty minutes when I heard
shuffling. I was too tired to think, so I assumed it was Trace.
“Dude I don’t care who called I aint moving from here okay? Give me
an hour then I do what I gotta do okay?”
“Oh, ill give you more than that!” I heard….but it defiantly wasn’t
Trace. I opened my eyes and leaned up. There was no one there.
I was convinced that it was my crazy tiredness, I thought id heard Harri.
“Hello?” I managed. No answer….
“Hello????” I asked again. “Who’s there?” this time I sat up. That's
when I saw the shadow on the door, coming in.
Either I was high and I didn’t know or it was harri coming towards me,
in her MAC coat.
“Hello stranger….” She grinned. Oh it was definitely her. She walked up
to me and she placed her soft chocolate hands on my neck.
“Harri?”
“No…Naomi Campbell, who you think it was? I grabbed her closer as
she leaned in to kiss me.
“Baby, what are you doin here? I can’t…I mean why…” I was staggered
what WAS she doin here.
“I wanted to surprise you…guess I succeeded there then baby?” she
smiled widely as she undid the buttons of her coat, to uncover the
sexiest lingerie id ever seen – not just on her, on anyone. Ever.
“Baby….” I looked her over more than once.
“What? You don’t like it??” she grinned something wicked, as if I
couldn’t like THAT.
“You look…amazing…” she nodded as I said that, pushing me back on
the bed.
“Had I known id catch you in uniform, all messed up and filthy I might
not have bothered with this…you’re the one with the sexy advantage
here j….” she looked me up and down as she ran her hand over my
buttons.
“Sexy as hell and I love the scars…make you look all….Mmmm” she
laughed as she kissed the side of my face, down my neck
“I have to be dreaming here…” I managed as she shed me of my top
half.
“Nope, its all real….and it’s all ive wanted for WEEKS….this is not
healthy for us you know that right? Now how do I get these pants off!”
she laughed out loud as I wriggled out of ‘em.
After she had me the way she wanted me we managed to finally get
under the covers, just the idea of her there, all sexy and warm…
Such a drastic contrast to what id grown used to over the last number
of weeks. Being in here alone and cold. She was soft and real, and
she wanted me, just wanting me.
That alone was enough to get me there….
“Har, ive missed you so, so, SO much!” I almost grunted as she dug
her teeth into my hip.
“Ahuh…” her hands and fingers made ther way up my body. Then
down again, then over my legs…then she stopped going where she
was going.
Came up and straddled me. “You know what, ive missed you too…I
think we shouldn’t postpone the best bit any more…enough foreplay.”
She demanded “I want you right now…” she whispered seductively into
my ear, as if someone would hear her.
“Right now?” I was still worn-out, but damn, how do you refuse THAT?
“Yes Justin, I want you to fuck me right now, got a problem with that
baby?” She smiled sweetly, but her eyes said something else.
No, No I definitely didn’t have a problem with that, at ALL!
When she kissed me again, I couldn’t even move she had be
captivated between her arms, as her mine roamed up her smooth
back and into her tousled hair.
“Right now?” I asked again.
“Unless you’re too tired?” she didn’t stop kissing me.
“No, im definitely up for this.” She didn’t say anything else she just
continued (with great speed I might add) to undress me, as she let
me relieve her of her clearly new underwear contraption.
“I love you Justin…” she said breathlessly. And I could do nothing but
reciprocate. I did love her, and more than anything, I had missed her.
The sun cracked through a tiny line in the heavily lined curtains, it
beamed all the way into the back wall of the bedroom, hitting the
mirrors as it did so.
She wasn’t awake, but I was – completely.
Even though the events of the night before should have, and did
leave me wrecked. I just needed to look at her, as gay as that sounds.
She wasn’t perfect; she had flaws just like me. But unlike ever other
woman id dated or loved, she actually had the courage to address and
admit those flaws. And that was just another reason for me to respect
her….she had balls. Metaphorically speaking of course, you know what
I mean.
She addresses me the way she wanted, she let me love her, and on
her terms….she had my baby.
So no, she wasn’t perfect, but she was to me. Its just sometimes I
wish she was different....More like she used to be, she used to be fun.
“Justin, what are you doin, it’s barely 8 am, cant we sleep in?” she
spoke finally groggy as usual for that time of the day, her thick New
York intonation coming through her with every word.
“Its okay you can’t go back to sleep if you want…”
“No…” she opened her eyes fully at that “No, ill get up…you want
breakfast?”
I thought about it for a second.
“How bout we go out for breakfast? I know this great waffle place just
opened….”
She smiled “with eggs?”
“Im sure they could manage that…”
Some thirty minutes later we were walking from the car, a half a block
to the waffle place. She linked arms with me as we walked “I like
this….us spending some time….alone.”
“I know me too.”
“Well when I say ‘alone’ I mean us and the ten maybe twelve camera
dudes across the street…”
I clinched my jaw, I knew I shouldn’t let them bother me, there was
shit all I could do about them any way.
“Pricks.”
“Yeah baby I know, but come on im hungry.”
We both quickened our step as we walked but they approached from
behind us any way.
“HARRI, JUSTIN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, NEW YORK NOT
WORKING OUT….COME ON, ONE PICTURE….JUSTIN COME ON, CARMEN
NEVER HAD AN ISSUE WITH US…” they yelled
I saw harri roll her eyes as she griped my hand tighter as they yelled.
“Justin COME ON!!”
“Fuck off man, would you?!?!”
We entered the establishment; it was hectic enough for that time of
day, too hectic thank god for anyone to notice who or what had just
walked in.
“Sit J ill order K?” she pushed her sunglasses up on her head as she
adjusted the straps of her tank, the long gypsy skirt she was flaunting
hung low on her hips.
She came back a few minutes later, “they said they’d be a few
minutes….so listen, how is work?”
“Works, work…you?”
“Yeah its fine too, busy but good thank god, and zack been great
considering.”
“Who’s Zack?”
Her eyes shifted “he's just this guy that I work with.”
“Oh, how come you’ve never mentioned him before?”
“I…just…I dunno, he's just this dude…anyway he's just broken up with
his girl and considering everything, he's the one that's covering for me
so that I can be here this weekend.”
The woman approached the table with both plates, eggs, waffles,
toast, and followed by hot strong coffee. We both said our thank yous
and she left the bill.
“Well, tell Zack thanks, this is so great seeing you here….”
“I know right?” she tucked in “Im thinking less than a month and
maybe we can be out here full time. I mean I know that it’s gonna take a while for me to find a job an all…but I think that I could use the
time off, just for us you know?”
I nodded, “definitely, I think that's a great idea. I get a three week
break from the movie in about uhh two weeks I think…”
“Really?”
“Yeah it’s mainly cause its moving location and they have to prep, so
it’s cool that we all get the time off. Maybe we could go somewhere? A
vacation or something? It’s been a while since we’d gotten away
properly.”
She nodded mid bite, “that sounds so good right now. Getting
everything packed up…uhh it’s a pain in the ass ill tell ya that!”
“Im sorry that I haven’t been able to help…”
“Its okay” she smiled “but I did find a few…how could I put
this, ‘dubious DVDs’ of yours.”
Shit. I couldn’t help but expand my eyes, I knew what she meant.
She laughed. “Yeah, what was my favourite title…oh yeah ‘busty
bitches and the booty twins…”
I coughed, well more or less choked on the egg id been in mid
chew. “Uhh well actually….”
“Yeah?”
“I…I…well I thought id gotten rid of…well…” I took a gulp of my coffee.
“Justin come on, it’s not like I didn’t know you watched shit like that,
and to be honest…it was interesting…”
“YOU WATCHED THEM?”
“Noooo, well a few minutes of one of em’…and to be honest, dude it just…well it was funny more than ‘sexy’ how guys can get into that stuff
ill never understand!?”
She watched my porn, oh holy Jesus.
“But if you like em…” she shrugged
“No, look it’s not like I watch…like I do…it’s…” UGHHHH “harri I haven’t
used em since you and I got back together. I swear.”
She smiled “Look its fine really.”
“No, look I swear I really haven’t…”
“Justin” she touched my hand “it’s fine, I get it okay…look lets move
on shall we… Libby.”
“yes, Libby something good and pure…and not one of my
embarrassing secrets…” she laughed at me out loud then.
“she's gong crazy wondering where you are, no matter how much I tell
her your ‘ working’ she's confused I guess.”
“She won’t be when we’re together again….i know it’s been so unfair to
her, I mean shit since the day she was born she's been shifted from
place to another….”
“I know, but she's resilient, she's a quick study. Shes like you, she
accepts whats shes thrown into...Im guessing shes gonna love it here,
the beaches, the sun...come on!”
"I hope so, the last thing I want to do is screw her up..."
"Aw..." she smiled "Dont worry about that, we have years for that to
happen, and lets face it, its what adolescence was made for...Shes
gonna hate us eventually."
The first day with her, alone just catching up…it was perfect. Truly
perfect nothing or no one would spoil anything for us.
The second day though, that’s when things started to go a little south.
She came with me on set, she met the rest of the cast and things
seemed to be going okay. Until the shoot was running over, by three
hours. She had already spent the day in my trailer, being bored and
waiting on me, so I can’t really blame her when I got back to a rather
frosty reception.
“Are you finally done?”
“I am, come on…you want dinner? Im starving.” I grabbed my jacket
from the couch.
“No, ive already had more than enough from the craft service. Chloe
was sweet; she's fed me all day.”
“Who’s Chloe?”
“She's the A.A.D.”
“Huh?” she rolled her eyes as I exited the small kitchenette.
“The assistant, to the assistant director…duh!”
“Oh, okay well…how bout we go, Ill get something – take out or
something and we hit a few clubs?”
She was sitting on the leather couch, arms crossed. “nah ive been
sitting around here all day, im bored to death….waiting….i just want to
go get some sleep, I have to get a flight tomorrow remember, and
you know I don’t like to fly when im hung over.”
“Okay, so then what do you want to do…I thought we could finally just
hang out.”
“We can, at home.”
“Aren’t you bored being ‘at home’ all the time…I figured id show you
some of the night life here…get you used to it again?” was me or was
she being deliberately difficult?
“I just want to get some sleep, ill have to deal with a hyper child when
I get home tomorrow remember???”
“I remember harri. Jesus whats gotten into you?”
She rolled her eyes again “for FUCK sake stop doin’ that would you? I
just want you to answer me straight out.”
“FINE, Im bored okay, ive waited here for HOURS waiting on your ass,
but you kept messing up so ive been here three hours longer than I
should have been and im just plain fed up….waiting.”
“You knew I had to work, I told you, you should have gone shopping
or looked up those girls you used to hang with out here…but you
insisted on coming…”
“yeah well im sorry I did.”
“Really? Because you’re bored? Now you know how it feels…” I pulled
on my jeans and polo neck t-shirt. Not really meaning anything by my
comment.
“What's that supposed to mean?” her hands landed on her hips and I
knew that meant only one thing – a fight.
“it means now you know how I felt for almost six whole months, I
stayed at home and you went to work, now you know how boring it
was.”
“Looking after our daughter was BORING? Oh im sooo sorry.”
“Not that and you know it.”
“That’s what you were doin’ so explain….”
“That wasn’t what I was doing, I was with her, sure…but I was waiting
to be with you!!! But when ever you’d actually be at home you
were ‘too tired’ or ‘busy’ to do shit with me, as your boyfriend!”
“So you’re saying I neglected you? Because I worked and didn’t sit around all day like Malibu Barbie and cater to your every whim? Shit your pathetic!!” she did all that in a yell, that I was sure you could hear somewhere in Texas.
I stared her out for it for a few seconds “why you gotta bring Carmen
into this”
“Well she's what you want isn’t she? Someone who’ll put their life on
hold to be in yours…”
“That’s….that’s shit and you know it!”
“DO I?”
“YES!”
“Is that right? Well then whats this?” she threw a copy of the
Enquirer© at me. Front page was me and Carmen hugging – with the
caption “Carmen-around to her again Justin?”
“Har…”
“NO” she threw up her hand “Don’t even try and worm out of this shit
okay? Why didn’t you tell me you saw her, not just that but you WENT
to her….why?”
“She asked me too.” I said quietly. And she let out a laugh, like she
knew.
“That’s great Justin, just fucking great…Im outta here, im through
being your bitch, you know what…go back to her again…Im sure she’d
love a second round at it.”
She grabbed her purse “woman would you just listen to me for once in
your life…NOTHING happened!”
“That’s not what the damn photo tells me is it!!” She walked off and
slammed the door to the trailer.
Great, just great!
I knew she’d go back to the house, she was fuming, she hated me…
but then again I hated her at that second too.
She was so quick to judge, so quick to assume, and then just walk.
I hated that about her!
I walked in the door and I heard the loud booming of music coming
from the bedroom. I took the stairs two at a time and when I reached
my door I recognised the song.
Miss Carly Simon – you’re so vain, screamed out at me.
Bitch.
I walked over and turned it down, just as she walked out of the
bathroom with her make up shit.
"The reason she wanted to see was to tell me, in person, thats she's
engaged to that footballer...Thats all it was. And I know you want me
to hate her, but I can't....I congratulated her, thats it...." She didnt
answer me, she just kept on doing what she was doing...
“What are you doin?”
“Im packing…oh and listening to you and Carmens’ song…fitting isn’t
it?”
“So your just gonna leave, just like that?”
“Yup!”
“Typical!”
“Whats that now?” her eyebrow raised at me.
“I SAID THAT'S TYPICAL, typical of you!”
“Take that back!”
“No, its true isn’t it? Something gets tough you run like a little bitch!
When we got in shit the first time round, what was your solution? You
ran, all the way to Africa for fuck sakes…under the illuation that you’d
help them…that's shit, the only person that helped was you! Made you
feel better and got you out of making any decisions about us in the
process…then with Adam, you were so terrified to take it to the next
level with that poor shit that you fucked ME!!! Are you seeing a Patten
yet sweetheart?” I yelled at her, and I know it wasn’t the best thing.
But shit if she was gonna blow shit up, why should I just sit and watch?
Being apart and under pressure and just having her change like that
on me, make me build shit up…and hell that just wasn’t healthy.
“Justin you are so full of crap it's coming outta your ears! You think im
the only one who runs? Im not the one that spent years in denial
about what I wanted, you’re the one that did that with lil miss new
boobs, and now??? You want her back? Make up your damn mind
please, before I lose mine!!”
“I never said that, but again how would you hear me, you never SHUT
UP!!”
I saw the shock in her eyes when I yelled louder this time.
“You changed Harri, you really changed! The second you became a
mom, it was like the old you died or something. Your NOT fun any
more…everything is so serious with you these days…hell when was the
last time you and I just cut back and relaxed, last time you took off
work to just do nothing? Last time we had fun?”
Her eyes changed, like she was finally hearing what I was saying.
Then I saw the glistening of her tears, and I instantly knew id taken it
too far. “Justin…im….im not talking about THIS…or to you any more…”
she pushed me away as she walked out of the room with her
suitcase “you’re an asshole”
That's when I heard the front door slam.
She's right, I was an asshole. Totally and completely.
I knew the second that I left the house that I wouldn’t be the one to
fix this, not this time at least.
Sure we had both been a little insensitive to the situation, each others
that is…but damn, that bitch was mean when he wanted to be.
So no I didn’t go back, and we didn’t make up. I hopped on the next
plane to New York and sulked till I got home.
He was an asshole, and he was the one that was wrong….I hadn’t got
shit to do with this!
Right?
Getting back to the appartment tired and still annoyed I found it was
empty.
Clearly, since mom had the baby for another night…I wasn’t in the
mood to be alone, and I wasn’t in the mood to be…mom.
I just wanted to be me. So I picked up my phone and made some
calls.
“Zack…hey…remember when the office wanted to throw me a ‘bash’ for
leaving?”
“Yeah?”
“Let’s do it! I don’t feel like sitting around tonight? Are yall away home
yet? Or do I need to call and harass the girls?” I scoffed. It was 8pm.
“No need for that, most of us are still here…Come on over” I heard
the clatter of the background. It was sweeps week; none of us left the
office on those weekends, for it though we got some sweet over time
pay.
So it was a win, win.
I showered, changed and swept up my newly straightened hair. I was
gonna forget about ass faced and enjoy my last time at my office.
It was true, I was meant to have left it a week ago, I was meant to
have been packed and ready for LA in a week. But in all honesty I just
couldn’t deal with packing my shit, or Libby’s.
Justin assured me I could just ‘shop’ for new shit, but I like my old
stuff. Some of it id had since I was a teenager; I wasn’t just about to
let it sit in an empty appartment for months at a time.
I was a comfort person; I need things that I loved around me to keep
me…content I guess.
He wasn’t like that, he just wanted ‘stuff’ around him, it didn’t need to
mean anything, it just needed to look good.
Bit like Carmen in that respect I guess.
And at that point I was so mad at him I didn’t even want to go back to
LA. So mad in fact that id even contemplated calling the whole move
off and telling him to go fuck himself......
well, id reconsider that last part later, for right now all I wanted to do
was see my friends.
"You're kidding I can’t believe he said that!" zack announced loudly.
"Shhh, come on I don’t what the whole place knowing we had a fight
for god sakes...."
"Sorry..." he lowered his head sheepishly “im sorry. So wait what
happens now?”
I sipped the end of my drink “I dunno, but I know one thing, I am
NOT calling him!”
“Har, you love him.” He rolled his eyes “why I don’t know but you do.”
“I know, but I just don’t right now okay? He's being an ass…”
He nodded. “Looks like everyone is clearing out.” He glanced to the
door, and yes there was the last remaining of my co- workers waving
and laughing as I got my hugs and well wishes and they bolted out
the door, all more than a little merry.
“Looks like.” I checked my watch. “Ive had been here since what?
Nine? I have NOT been drinkin’ for six hours….” I groaned as I looked
for my coat. “I have to go Z…”
I hopped off the table that id been sitting on and put down my
millionth vodka.
“I really have to…I have to pick the baby up in the morning and I
really can’t deal with her when I have a hang over.”
“She a handful?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe!” I laughed as I pulled on my coat. “Listen
baby, tonight was really fun, and I think I needed it, if nothing else to
just take my mind off, things.”
“Any time.” He looked at me, really looked at me. The kind of look
that made me think that he knew what I looked like naked.
It scared me.
Because I liked it.
“Harri you do really love Justin don’t you?”
I didn’t look at him. “Of course I do…and only god knows why at this
point.” I laughed trying in vain to lighten up the sharp tension that
had suddenly arisen in the small office.
“Do you….” He turned me around by the arms, making me face him.
Then in a heartbeat, his lips were on mine.
It was wrong, it was unsolicited – I think…. But mostly it was deadly
wrong.
So I stepped away.
“Zack, I can’t…” I stepped back a little more, but not so much that I
didn’t see the look of hurt in his eyes.
“Im sorry, if I ever made you think that this is what I” I sighed “look
Zack say something.”
“you did make me think Shaharra, every day and you know it…but I
knew it was just a game to you…a little office flirtation….I knew that…
but I just couldn’t help it…” his eyes sort of glazed over.
“Zack…you’re great you know that! You know that! You and me? It
wouldn’t be a good idea, I can’t do this, I never could…I may hate his
guts right now, but Justin is a part of me…ive tried to deny it before
but I just couldn’t.” I put my hand on his “baby your way to good for
me any ways. Id drive you crazy….you don’t want that….”
He shook his head “I don’t get it, he makes you miserable!”
“I know it is insane, but he also makes me happier than ive ever
experienced with anyone…and I just can’t kick it, as much as id like to
sometimes.”
He looked at the ground “So that's it then?”
“We can still be – “
“Please don’t say friends!”
“Why whats wrong with that?”
“I can’t just be your friend….not after this…its embarrassing Har.” He
blushed.
“No its not…can’t we just forget this…move on? Please? Zack your one
of my closest friends I don’t want to lose this.”
He just shook his head “Im sorry…I just can’t…” he grabbed his jacket
and made his way to the door “ill see ya harri.”
And with that was the second of the two men in my life that id fucked
up with, in a matter of 24 hours.
Quite the achievement id say….
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