Pride, the hardest pill to swallow....
After zack left I managed to finish the last of the tequila myself, knowing full well that id have a headache the size of the damn Atlantic tomorrow.
Not that I cared, I needed something to take my mind off the Bain of my life that was men! They all somehow managed to worm their way into my life and then BAM, there I was makin out with them! It just made no sense.
But the more I sat in my office, for the last time looking out at my amazing view I though maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t them that was to blame….
Maybe it was me? shocker huh?
Maybe Justin was right, sure he’d gone the wrong way about telling me, but he had a point.
The second I found out I was pregnant, it was like the old me didn’t exist any more.
The fun loving girl who liked to do vodka jello shots off of people, who liked to party two days straight, who liked to just be heard and not seen…
She died.
She needed to, I needed to be responsible….but yeah possibly I took it a little too far, perhaps I did become “boring”, hot, but still…boring.
I knew because of his job it took a lot to shock Justin, it took a lot to surprise him or amuse him, he was surround all day everyday with these people who rubbed his ego, and lord knows what else if he was to request it, I was never an ego rubber.
I was real with him, always had been, but lately… id been feeling it too. The stress of being a “grown up” was getting to me, so yes he was right completely.
We needed to cut loose every once in a while.
For our own sanity at least….
After a what seemed like forever in a state of self-referential analysis I made my way home, getting lectured by my own mother as to “why Justin was hugging his ex, and why he’d left 11 messages on my machine….” It was all wearing me down, it was after all 3am. I hit the pillow and that's the last thing I remember till the late am…
****
It was after 4 and I was still wide to the world, nothing could shift the constant train of internal dialogue that was running though my head.
All to do with me, my choices, and my mistakes.
I had a lot of them, too many to count… the duet with Janet at the super bowl, sleeping with Janet before the super bowl, Alyssa; four of my dancers, proposing to Carmen, that stripper one time in Mexico that turned out to be a he….I saw the pattern that a lot of my mistakes involved women…
But Shaharra wasn’t one of those mistakes, she was the one good thing, the one good woman that I knew would always be real with me. No bullshit, no pretence, just her and her opinions.
Before id tired to get her out of my system, but that didn’t work. She's in my head and more importantly my heart. And there is no way id even want her out of it. So yeah maybe I just needed to suck up my pride and let her know that no matter what I was committed to us, for the long term, that she was the only woman for me, and that I loved her….
I waited to the half decent hour of 7am her time before I called – it damn near killed me to wait, because with all the thinking I did, the one thing I needed to do was talk…to her.
It rang a few times before her tired voice came over the line.
“Yeah?”
“Hey baby…”
“I should hang up….”
I laughed, “You should? Or you will?”
“What do you want???” her grogginess deepened as I sensed she got out of bed.
“I went to see Carmen because she asked me too, she told me she's engaged and she invited US to her wedding….I congratulated her, because as much as you hate her…I couldn’t….so yeah I hugged her goodbye, that's it, I swear on our baby’s life…”
She paused and I almost thought she’d hung up.
“I know…” she said softly. “Im sorry I jumped to all the wrong conclusions its just that my head was tellin' me one thing and my heart the other, I was pissed off at you, so I guess I listened to the wrong logic...”
“Thank you…”
“For what?” her voice pitched a little.
“For admitting you were wrong….”
“I wasn’t….okay I was…but don’t get used to it.”
"And for everything that I said, I was a complete....well I am so sorry for what I said."
"Im sorry too, but I think that even though you went the wrong way about it baby, I still think you might have had a point."
"I did?" it was turn to be squeaky voiced.
"Yes, I think you're right, I have changed....maybe a little too much for the sake of the baby, I haven’t been putting my own needs first - for a long time....and its started to affect you too! I never realised..." she sounded off.
“I love you Shaharra, you know that right? And its not just words, it’s…”
She laughed, “I know, I know it’s real… ‘Cause I feel it too baby. I really do - I just find it hard to show it all the time, you know?”
"yeah, I know that...its hard to be attentive all the time if you take someone for granted, I don’t wanna do that to us…I don’t wanna take us, or you for granted and wake up a year from now, and your gone? You know??"
We chatted for a little longer, and then she said she heard the baby, so I told her id call again…
At that moment though I felt like, even though we’d overcame the fight, I still kinda felt like she was anxious? Nervous for some reason or another?
Or maybe she was right, maybe I was crazy….
Thumping headache and a dry mouth didn’t even shift after id brushed and flossed, in fact it seemed to get worse.
Add to that the fact that Libby was overly hyper that morning, I was in hell.
“Mom can you take her for a sec till I shower?” I handed her over to my mother as she sat in my kitchen sipping her coffee.
“Sure….you look awful by the way…”
“Thanks…” I noted as I poured myself a large glass of OJ. “I talked to Justin.”
“Good, did you both sort things out? I hate it when you both fight, mainly ‘cause either me or Lynn gets dragged into it!”
“Well yes and no…I mean we’re talking again an all but I kinda forgot to mention something that I think he would kinda want to know…” I felt my guilt rise up again, and this time I didn’t even DO anything.
“What did you do?”
“NOTHIN’!” I looked at her and I instantly knew the look, it was the look I gave Libby when she messed things and just left them.
Damn I was turning into my mother?
“I didn’t do anything I just had a few drinks with some friends at work, and Zack was one of them- “
“The boy that has a crush on you?”
“No, mom he doesn’t have a….well okay maybe he does, but any way….he kissed me last night, something I know I didn’t ask for!!!!.”
Her eyes widened, “yeah I think Justin would want to know that alright….did you kiss him back?”
“No”
“Did you want to kiss him back?”
“NO! Well…maybe a little but that’s just cause I was mad at Justin, and I thought he’d been at it with Barbie…but I didn’t….”
“So then why not tell J?” She placed the baby’s bib on her in her highchair.
“I felt guilty I guess, I just…I don’t know, I want to tell him! But I just can’t do it over the phone!”
“Okay? So then what do you want to do? Wait till you leave for LA?”
“That’s not for two more weeks? I mean that seems too long, and if I leave it for too long, then he'll think that im hiding something!”
“I take it im gonna have to look after Libby again while you plane hop to Los Angeles” she said calmly before fixing he gaze on me. “Mom, id love you to…please?”
“Two days, that’s all I can take off work! This time lady make it right, cause I cant keep talking off work for you to fix all your screw ups!”
“Im sorry”
“No, don’t be sorry, just be real…I always taught you to be real baby…let’s try and keep it that way please!”
Apart from sounding like an inspiration to a bad JLO song she was right, and I did have to be real, the trouble now was getting Justin to know that!
She had called me to tell me that she was at the airport, something that I can say I wasn’t expecting AT ALL. I mean sure we'd made up but her hopping on a plane to see me? That I hadn’t foreseen.
It was a nice surprise.
What wasn’t so nice was the fact that, yet again, I was stuck on set when she arrived and I couldn’t even pick her up at the airport!
But when she did get there she was smiling.
She was in a pair of her famous booty hugging seven jeans and a tight skin colored cotton tank. My girl looked GOOD.
"Hey, look im sorry I just couldn’t get away, I really wanted to pick you up!" I greeted her with a pg 13 related kiss.
What? People were watching!
“Nah don’t worry about it, the cab was fine…” she followed me into my trailer as I got out of my costume.
“Yeah but still, you shouldn’t have to do that…I have more than enough transportation to get you here!” I smiled kissing her again “it’s such a surprise to see you though, I mean really this time!”
She laughed “I am random like that aren’t I? But I kinda need to talk to you, and it’s a conversation I didn’t want to have over the phone!”
She didn’t just say that, did she? Last time a woman said that to me Britney just suddenly remembered that she’d been sleeping with one of my best friends….that’s never a good sentence.
“Uuhk…what is it?”
She looked to the floor. Then she looked at me, and then she looked any where that wasn’t me.
“Baby….Look the last night, after I went back to New York, I was SO fucking mad at you, I mean really….
I could have killed you I was so damn mad! I hated you because you were an insensitive ass!”
God please let her have a point here?
“Ahuh, Annnnd?”
“Well I went to my office, and I had a few…quiet a few drinks actually with my friends….okay I got pissed” she walked back and forth in front of me, making me a little dizzy.
“Harri please?”
“Right, right, sorry. Look my point is that Zack…you remember Zack?”
“Work buddy right?”
“Right, well basically he confessed to me that he had feelings for me, and then he kissed me…”
“Shit?”
“I know….” She looked relieved, “its not like I was serious about the flirting, it just sort of –“
“You flirted with him?”
“Well yeah but it was all just a bit of fun, passing the time in the office. You do the same thing don’t even deny it!” she smiled, like everything was okay….
“So you think making girls blush and spill shit just by talking to them is the same as enticing and making some guy fall in love with you!”
“NO! And god, could you be any more damn forgetful!”
“What?”
“You’re the one that goes to lap dancing clubs with your friends, YEAH I know about that, and I know about the strippers, and the groupies before you and I got serious!”
She did?
“And that’s not the same thing? Come on now! She said in THE most sarcastic tone I think she could muster.
“Its not? Come on Harri. I know what its like to flirt with you remember? Trust me they’re aint no airs with it, you say what you want, and you say it in order to get what you want! Did you want that guy to be attracted to you?”
“NO! He’s just a friend….for god sakes we were both drunk, he just thinks that I might have wanted it…But I didn’t.”
“You sure?” I accused.
“Excuse me? I know you didn’t just ask me if I was SURE weather or not I wanted to cheat on you.”
“So you don’t think that flirting is cheating?”
“No, I don’t Justin, I really don’t. I think it was innocent, I think that it was fun and it was meaningless, just like his kissing me was.”
I shook my head, I just couldn’t believe it. She was being a total hypocrite.
“so wait a second, you come here, bite my head off over something so minuscule as a HUG with an old girlfriend when you were off getting drunk and getting kissed by some random work dude!
“Justin don’t be like this, it really wasn’t that big of a deal.”
“Neither was Carmen and me…but that didn’t stop you from blowing up a storm.”
“So? What? That means you get to start another one just to get even with me? Dude grow the hell up!”
I stood my ground.
“You know what; I can’t do this any more harri. I really thought in my head that I could, that I would work on us and it would be okay in the end, but I see now - nothing with you is ever easy! Nothing is just….this is just another road block, and its all adding up!!!”
“This what? Look I was trying to be honest with you? Isn’t that what you always want? Im being honest here and im telling you nothing happened, nothing that meant anything or lasted more than a millisecond! Why can’t you get that?”
“I don’t have the energy or the time to argue with you like this, I have work to do.” I went to walk out of my door, but she grabbed my arm.
“Don’t just walk out on me like this!”
“Why not? You did it to me!” I shrugged and walked out. Thoroughly pissed off at her.
I walked off and into the craft service area, where I achieved stares from just about everyone, all of whom had heard my little “lovers tiff” back in the trailer.
I felt like complete shit as saw her storm out of the door and off the lot completely.
Her face matched mine, complete and utter annoyance.
But I was right in being pissed wasn’t i? I mean I was!!
She came her the first time and completely chewed me out for something that had she trusted me, wouldn’t have been an issue in the first place.
Sure I trusted her, but at the same time….maybe I didn’t completely?
Maybe I was just being crazy like she said, but it effected me.
It was okay for her to go off and flirt insistently with some random man, and then have him kiss her, fall for her, but I can’t even visit on old friend?
That’s bullshit.
“Im right, right?”
“Dude….I don’t know!”
“Trace, you are NO help you know that right?” I took another sip of my JD on the rocks.
“Im sorry but I think she had a point at being pissed at you, this is you and Carmen for god sakes.”
“So?”
“So? Justin, this is the woman that she had to watch you with for almost 2 years, she had to see you both on cover after cover of magazines looking all loved up an shit, while she was either pregnant or looking after the kid you got her knocked up with. It cant have been easy for her now can it?”
“No I guess not, but come on we are SO over all of that, we’re engaged for god sakes.”
“And? That doesn’t mean her anxieties are just gonna disappear cause Carmen isn’t in the same room as y’all?”
“How do you know all this shit?”
“I saw it remember? And hey, I may look it dude but im not spaced off all the time, I pay attention to things, and I noticed all this shit, not just back then and how much it hurt her to see y’all together, but now, when you mention her movies or her on a magazine, I see her flinch – like it hurts her that you still care!”
Intense or what? I just wanted him to agree with me so we could get drunk and bash some bitches.
“Trace man when did this shit get so hard?”
“Whats that?”
“Love…trust and love….and being a grown up…. I mean don’t get me wrong I love liberty like nothing else on this earth and id give my right arm for her an all man, but its just…sometimes I just wish I could go back.”
“Back where?”
“Back to when it was easier I guess, to when I didn’t have to think and consider and weight up for the best option. When I could just say “fuck it” and get pissed or high and get laid just as easy. It was easy, it was better.” I was drunk; therefore you know I was sprouting more shit than usual.
“Nah man, you have it so good and you don’t even see it. I live that life remember? And yeah, it’s great…but after a while…” he looked around, obviously feeling the weight of the alcohol and squinted “but sometimes, I just wanna talk to someone who knows something about me…the real me you know? Like you and Har, you both know each other inside out, y’all have these memories and moments that you just don’t have with a one night stand or some chick who just wants you for the weekend!”
Okay so he had a point there, but I wasn’t about to admit it.
&&&&&&&&&
When I left his “lot” from his “movie” I was raging.
Again.
This really wasn’t doing my rage blackouts any good. I just wanted to hit him till he cried, which knowing him wouldn’t have taken all that long.
I was infuriated, I was being what he always wanted – honest! I was up front and I didn’t sugar coat it, it was just a 5 second kiss for crying out loud, with someone that yes, I may have fancied a little, but never in a serious – do something about it, kind of way.
I went into the house and his mother was just coming out the door as I walked in and slammed it.
“Honey? Hi! What are you doing here? Is the baby with you?”
“Not now lynn!” I said as I made my way to the stairs, and I stomped my way up them.
She had followed me up the stairs and over the long hallway to the main bedroom.
“Harri? Whats wrong? Have you been crying?”
“NO!” I chocked back the tears in defence of myself.
“Baby?” she sat down next to me on his unmade bed. “Come on now….what did he do?”
“We had this huge row, for like the second time in a week Lynn, it was awful!”
“What happened?” she asked me as I sniffled my tears away, and I told her. In detail about both times we blew up at each other, both times that we just went at each others throats and then stormed off like we always did.
“Oh…I see.” She rubbed my back.
“I know right? And to be honest it’s really starting to wear me down! I just don’t know how much more of this I can take Lynn….I mean I love him to bits, but right now? Its just SO hard”
“I understand baby, I really do. He's as stubborn.”
“As stubborn as what?” I looked up at her, and she smiled.
“As stubborn as you! You’re both so alike in some senses that it’s really insane!” she laughed; again, I wasn’t seeing why this was funny.
“Lynn, come on now that’s NOT true! He's being totally unreasonable for god sakes!”
“Suuure, I see that, but you can’t say your being rational either sweetheart. Look the way I see it, your both crazy, but your both crazy about each other too…so in a way all the insanity should cancel itself out….you know?”
“No!” I didn’t know whether to be touched or insulted. “Look Lynn no offence or anything but I just don’t think you understand here.”
She nodded simply as I walked around the room. Seeing the pictures of us on his side of the bed, his nightstand was decorated with our pictures – the ridiculous one that was taken at my 21st birthday it consisted of J and me with birthday hats on, sticking our tongues out at the camera, and the second one was of Libby and me on her first.
“Like I always say, you won’t solve anything by sulkin’ baby….talk to him.”
“I don’t want to, he's an ass!”
Yeah really mature aren’t I?
“Shaharra….come on?”
“What? Why do I always have to be the responsible one?”
“Because your brain isn’t in your pants…go talk to him!” she smiled and offered me a hug, which I accepted and she was on her merry way.
And as much as I hate to admit it, she was right.
I think the only way we’d be able to clear the air this time is to put all our cards on the table, show all our aces, be totally honest about everything each of us has been harbouring these last few months.
All the niggling doubts, all of it once and for all.
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