Cold without your kisses....
Getting off work the next day was a little earlier than expected. So as I made my way home knowing who no doubt would be there, I was almost giddy.
I knew I shouldn’t have been, he was after all committed to another woman, of course that other woman had barely been mentioned in the last three days…never initially by him any way.
Ill admit, I was jealous when we’d be talking and she’d call…then he’d end the call with the “I love you…” the same way he used to end calls with me.
But I had to keep reminding myself that I was the one who ended US, I was the one that couldn’t cope under the pressures of his life, no matter how much I loved him that just wasn’t a sacrifice I was willing to make. I wasn’t about to hand over my freedom to the paparazzi. NO way.
When I walked in the door, his ass met me…not that im complaining it’s just I was an extremely hormonal woman, it took all my will power to not just pinch his little butt.
“Justin?”
“Hey you…im boxing up some of your things your mom told me too…”
“Momma you here?”
“Yes….how was work…” she came hussling out of the kitchen
“Eh…” I shrugged talking off my coat and throwing down my Chloe bag. “Aight I guess…you want rid of me BAD huh?” I noticed all the already filled boxes scattered around the living room floor.
“No, you want rid of me” she smiled “Now the truck’s gonna be here in a few minutes, you might want to go change…” she pointed at my skirt and sweater combo. Yeah not the best for moving crap ill grant you.
“Fine, ill change…give me a sec?” I directed towards the only man in the room and skipped to my room.
Some twenty minutes later we were standing in front of my pretty brownstone appartment in Tribecca.
I was home.
Both delivery men and J helped with all my boxes and various new furniture for the baby – we’d purchased the day before.
“Are you planning on decorating?” he asked helping one man in my new room with my new kind sized bed.
“Yeah I think so…but I just want to get settled first you know…have everything in place…then ill worry about décor.”
“Cool…” he shrugged.
*****
Its not that I didn’t want to help her. I really did, I liked it…I like just being with her again…it almost felt like old times.
Except when id want to kiss her…or touch her in a clearly non platonic way…then the phone would buzz – oh yeah my girlfriend.
See how this was uncomfortable? It was killing me really, I knew I had to go back to LA the next day and I was not looking forward to it – what so ever.
But I had a life, a life I loved. I had a woman at home waiting on me, she loved me and before all of this I was in the process of falling in love with her.
Now? Well now I was just royally fucked up inside and I didn’t know up from down.
I knew I had work, solid for the next month. I knew that, I didn’t like it but I knew it had to be done. Id be in Europe for at least two weeks and then back here.
It really sucked major ass to be recording an album right then.
I missed Carmen; i wanted to go back to LA to see her. All in all I was still falling for her, nothing in her had changed, but all of me suddenly had…would she be able to deal with that? I had to wonder.
Having helped Harri with her move her place was beginning to look homely once her weird hippy friends came over and started blessing the place, I knew that was my cue to leave.
“So, um ill be back in LA…” I began as I put on my coat to step into my awaiting vehicle.
“I know that…” she nodded crossing her arms.
“It’s been a weird few days huh?”
“It sure has…I never expected this…us to be here like this…” she smiled.
“Me neither but we are and we will be again…look I wont be around for a while, I have work and all…but can I call you? Check in maybe…with her…” I pointed to her belly.
“Sure…and if anything changes…Ill let you know…”
Again I didn’t know how to react, we were now entering the category of “friends”, the thing is id never been anything but a boy-friend with her. I didn’t know how to deal…
“Cool…well ill see ya?”
“Yeah see ya J…” no hug no kisses no nothing, I got in my car, went to my hotel room and called my girlfriend.
I felt like id been cheating on her or something…
“You’ve been neglecting me Justin…we’re WERE supposed to be going away this weekend remember?”
Big bear, yeah I remembered.
“Baby I know, am sorry but how was to know that this would happen? I had no clue.”
“I know, you didn’t…but it’s like she shows up and you instantly change, you become her lap dog.”
“Carm, come on its not like that and you know it…I can’t just ignore this, she's having my baby…”
“Rub it in…” she mumbled “Look I need to know, are you still in love with her J cause if you are then…”
“Im not in love with her…” much.
“Really?”
“Really…Now, I am over her…this thing is all about the baby…that's it. Now I know its weird and crazy but I really want to be part of this kid’s life…can you deal with that?”
She was silent for a second. “Ill get used to it…I guess.”
“That’s the spirit…” I laughed, causing her to laugh too.
“not funny…its just I know that you loved her…so much and when she left…well I know its been hard…but you have me, you don’t need her.” She whined, I hated her whiney voice.
“Carmen, she doesn’t need me either but this baby needs it daddy…Im it, im all it’s got. And I need to help harri until she gets here safe and sound…then we can all help raise her…” I began “and I know you didn’t plan on being a step mom…but it could be fun right?”
This was how my conversation with her continued until I thought id end up strangling myself with the telephone wire….
God how hard was it to convince someone to be a step mom…they got all the fun jobs…but then again Carmen was never the mothering type.
I was tired, both physically and emotionally…I was drained, it was the most confusing three days id had in I don’t even know how long…I didn’t know if id make it through this with out losing myself at least a few times…yes I was freaking out…but then id think
“Im gonna be a daddy…” and I knew I would be a ten times better dad than my own. That was more than reason to stick this out…more than enough. ^^^
I didn’t see him again for almost a whole month, it was hard. He was always the one to call and check in – I never had too.
It was nice being in contact with him again, on the one hand – on the other it was unbearable.
I had to endure the constant media frenzy surrounding the two of them; they were after all Americas new sweethearts. It was the love story of Hollywood…and the magazines loved it.
All of it unfolding in front of my eyes, and every time the baby would kick…Id feel more and more alone.
Again I guess I could blame the hormones, but at the end of the day I was essentially alone at night it was just me. The loneliness could be stamped out during the day when I could busy myself with chores or work…but at night it was the worst, when id crawl into my big new bad – alone.
It sucked, more than anything I wanted someone to just be there. To just cuddle with me or something…the solace of the TV just didn’t match up any more, I needed something else.
“Ill have a tea two sugars please…Kali what is you want?” I looked to the table next to the counter that sat my friend of 6 years Kali jimson. “decaf-mocha…” she said returning to her magazine.
I waited for our order and then took my seat with the items in hand.
“Did you see this Har?” she turned the rag over to my side of the table it read “Justin and Carmen – marriage?” with various sickening pics of them kissing. I wanted to throw up.
“Nope hadn’t seen it…I hate those magazines any way.” I lied sipping my tea.
“well I don’t like the bitch I mean come on look how skinny she is…the girl a’int got no booty or Nothin’ and she certainly a’int got no tits…real ones anyway…” she cackled.
“Don’t, okay…”
“What? You don’t wanna bash her? Come on its fun, I always do this with new bimbos my boys with.”
“No”
“Why? Cause you know once you pop…she's gonna be your babies STEP MOMMA!”
“Oh no she a’int…” I began “she’s only gonna be what she is now, Justin’s whore…she aint got shit to do with me or my baby…”
Damn id sunk low hadn’t i… I swore I was over this.
“Well girl I hate to break it to you, but I know Timber-river…he's gonna wanna include her.”
I just shook my head “he won’t marry her…”
“How’d you know…He might?”
“He wont, he's not ready with her…hell he wasn’t with me…”
“Yeah but y’all were younger when you got together, she does seem like the trophy wife white boy would want. And if he does you ass will be too late…”
“Would you stop, I don’t want him back okay im over him…”
“Your not, your carrying his kid…this is meant to be the "bonding time" with you and him but where is he? In Hawaii with lil miss fake boobs…Jesus it’s pathetic!!
“Look I have nothing’ to do with him…his only concern is the baby and she aint even here yet. We’ve another four months wait you know…”
“I Know okay its just I think its unhealthy for you to be alone like this…when he's swanning all over with her…its like he's disrespecting you and I don’t like it, not one lil bit.”
I was tired of her bellyaching so I excused myself for the ladies; apparently the baby seemed to think of my bladder as its first squeeze toy. It was like this every five minutes these days.
After I did my thing I was making my way out and who did I bump ( literally into) but Adam…aw Adam he was the guy I almost but didn’t hook up with a few years before, he was the maybe guy I was contemplating when Justin and I were on “a break”.
“Shaharra? Girl its…wow…really a shock to see you…Like this” he hugged me as I greet him.
“Yeah ill bet…” I was almost embarrassed. “what are you doin’ in New York I thought you moved permanently out to LA now?”
“Naw girl…Im back home, ive got a modelling contract with Calvin Klein here in the city – don’t you notice the billboards any more?” he smiled then, I knew the cockiness was a joke.
“Nope too busy not trying to trip over my bump.”
“I can’t believe your having a baby, I think it’s great your gonna make a great mom…so where Justin? Are ya ‘ll married now or what?”
Ohh Noooo.
“Boy don’t you read the tabloids?”
“No, hate those things….I prefer real news as to who’s fucking who, you know”
“Yeah well I gotta tell you…we broke up…”
“Aw…so this is with your new-“
“Nope its J’s…but umm no Im single…” he seemed annoyed at that.
“Listen, im in a rush right now, im in the middle of a shoot next door but um…here.” he handed me a little card “call me tonight if you want…we could do dinner or something…”
Wow, was that just happening…
“Are you sure?”
“Don’t be silly, it’s been so cool seeing you again id like to really catch up…”
Well needless to say I left that café with the biggest grin on my lil face, and kali left with so many questions it was killing her.
I think I had a date…
***
I called him, we talked on the phone for ages…and we agreed to meet up for a late dinner. Well I was pregnant therefore always hungry.
The tiny little Italian place he picked was perfect. It was 10:30 so it was beginning to quieten down.
We just sat, talking about all kinds of things…his work, my work, living in New York again…then the subject id been waiting on.
“So if you don’t mind me asking, with Justin…what happened?”
“I don’t mind…and I broke up with him…I left the states to do this charity thing, it had been set up by a friend of mine so I decided to help her.”
He looked like he wanted more.
“well, I realised when I was out there that I was indeed pregnant, at first I thought it was just a bug you know…or the water or something so I ignored it…then I confirmed it.”
“And Justin didn’t want to know?”
“No, I didn’t want Justin to know…I guess it sounds strange now, but I wanted him to be happy and he seemed like he was…I was too in a way….”
“So he doesn’t know??” he looked a little shocked at the thought.
“Na, I told him” kinda “ and we’re cool now…he wants to be apart of the babies life and I guess I want that too…every kid wants to know their parents don’t they…and he’ll be a good dad, I know that much.”
“But y’all aren’t….”
“No like I said before im solo…” I managed to smile as he smiled even wider back at me…this could be interesting….
Author's Chapter Notes:
To those of you who are reading this, or were lol im so sorry its taken me so long to update. Uni is kicking my arse and im not coping so well with it at the moment! So i sortofkindof forgot... *ducks* any way to make it up here's two chapters for you reading pleasure!
Let me know whats what! ;)
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