I fought you for so long; I should have let you in.
Oh, how we regret those things we do.
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin.
But so were you.
â”Relient K "Be My Escape"
Justin and I hadn't spent more than an hour alone together in nearly a week. I think he was taking the 'a little less you and me' thing a little too far, but I didn't say anything. He was giving me space. I appreciated it.
There's times where I want something more
In the meantime, without Justin to fill my time I realized just how much of my time he'd been taking up. Now that he wasn't around as much, suddenly I had time to spare, waste and killâ”it was almost annoying. But I'd asked for it, so I appreciated it.
Someone more like me
Since I did have a lot more time, I'd been spending it with Richard. Calling him up to do random things. Run errands. Watch TV. Go to the movies. Just...chill. It was nice. Being with Richard was nice. I didn't laugh as much as I did with Justin and when I did laugh it wasn't the same. I was still nervous with him. I don't ever remember being nervous with Justin. Maybe the difference is when it comes to Richard I care. Not to say that I didn't care at all with Justin, but the caring kind of snuck up on me one dayâ”I just turned around and there it was clinging to my back: this annoying caring-ness. Gradually growing into it though, blocked the nerves, the jitters of trying to be impressive. Worrying that you're constantly making a fool out of yourself, which then in all likelihood creates a perfect atmosphere to have that happen. Over and over again.
There's times when this dress rehearsal
Seems incomplete
Plus, Richard was smarter than your average bear. I'm not saying Justin rode the short bus to school or anything, but I'd never discussed anything of depth with him. At least not if you didn't count our great debates on life (Did Jennifer Aniston ever stand a chance against Angelina Jolie?) and politics (Is Condoleezza Rice really getting it on with Mr. President?). With Richard I felt like I needed to read more, like I wasn't cultured enough to really talk to him about anything. But he was a good listener, a good teacher; he wasn't the type that made you feel like you're dumb, even if you really were. He explained things without being condescending. I liked that about him.
What I didn't like is that when he wasn't with me, he was spending a lot of time with Justin. I know, I know, they're friends. That's a key part of this whole deal. But it's gotten to the point where it's almost like Justin is ignoring me, but going out of his way to spend time with Richard. Maybe so then that's a little less time I can spend with him? I don't know, but what I do know is it's annoying as shit and I want it to stop.
But I couldn't say anything of this, because whenever I called lately, he didn't answer. Whenever I came over, he wasn't home. I'd only seen Sadie once this week, when the dark-haired hobbit delivery man had dropped her off at my door unexpectedly.
Opening the door and watching as the furball leapt at me, tail wagging excitedly, I stared at the man whose legs Sadie had run in between. "Fionna, right?" he said, again making no attempt at greetings.
I almost smiled at the fact that he'd remembered to call me Fionna, instead of Fi. Almost. "Yeah," I said, my voice coming off more bored and annoyed that I'd meant for it to.
"I was told to bring the hairy one over to your place."
"You always do what you're told?"
A frown started to form on his face, before an easy smile took its place. "Only when it benefits me." he said, still smiling. He looked nicer that way--less angry short man complex, more relaxed.
I wanted to ask him how this was benefiting him, but decided to ask a more important question, I had a feeling the hobbit wasn't one to like being questioned very many times. "How is Justin?"
The frown was back. "I'm not supposed to tell you."
"What do you mean you're not supposed to tell me? I'm his girlfriend, why can't I know how he's doing?"
The grin was back and I'd almost prefer him to go back to frowning. "So you are his girlfriend." he laughed and the noise sounded strange coming out of his mouth. Not weird or creepy, it sounded like he laughed a lot, but from what I'd known of him that was hard to believe. "He could have sworn on a stack of bibles that it was true and I still wouldn't have believed him."
It was my turn to frown. That sounded suspiciously close to an insult to me. "Why's that?"
"You're not his type." he said, simply, bluntly. Before I could take offense, he said, "That's not a diss against you. The man just has strange taste. He says he's an ass man, yet all he dates are skinny, curveless broads. I mean, yeah, sure Britney had a little somethin' somethin', but little is the keyword. You've got nice curves. Something for a real man to grip."
If I wasn't offended before, I was definitely offended now. "Isn't there a bridge you should be hobbling under telling stupid little riddles?"
He raised his hands in a mock surrender. "I'm sorry." He said, his eyes still glittering with teasing laughter. "Everybody's always telling me that I talk too much for my own good." He did laugh out loud that time. "I just came to drop off the hairy one." He said, turning and walking away without another word.
"You never answered my question."
"What was that?"
"How is he doing?"
He watched me for a moment, his smile falling back into a stoic line. "I'm just the deliveryman, you're going to have to ask the bossman that yourself."
I didn't bother with mentioning that I'd already tried that, but 'the bossman' was ignoring me. After the hobbit had driven away, I spent the next four hours playing dogsitter. And I hadn't realized it until she was back in my house, her white fur clinging to everything she'd come in so much as ten feet contact with, that I had missed the bitch.
At exactly the four hour mark, my doorbell rang. Half-way opening the door, I saw Richard standing on the other side and couldnât help but smile. Opening the door a little wider, I saw Justin standing just behind him. I stopped smiling.
Tearing my attention away from Justin, who appeared to be successfully ignoring my existence, I gave Richard a hug without thinking. Thatâs just how Richard and I greeted each other. When my eyes met Justinâs again, I couldnât read them. He was moving towards me now and for some reason I felt a little nervous. I hadnât really seen him all week and to now have him so close, moving in for a hugâ”I felt annoyingly anxious.
Just when I had expected him to lean in for the hug, he instead brushed past me, into the house calling to Sadie.
But, you see the colors in me like no one else
And behind your dark glasses you're...
I hesitated for a moment. Just standing there in the doorway, doing a mental recap of what had just happened. I know that fool did not just brush past me! When I turned around, he was smiling and hugging on Janice. There was nothing nervous about him and usually he was a bumbling idiot around her, but now he was just a-talking and laughing and making her laugh. What the hell was so funny?
Determined that I was going to find out, I said, "Justin, can I talk to you for a minute?"
You're something else
"For a minute, yes."
I took a deep breath, rolled my eyes and somehow managed not to go off on him. But once we were safely two rooms away, in the kitchen, all bets were off.
"What's up with your deliveryman?"
He smiled a lop-sided grin. "You mean, Trace?"
You're really lovely
Underneath it all
"I don't know his name. I don't even know if the man can say hello."
He was still smiling and it was starting to piss me off. "I'll tell him to be more polite next time."
You want to love me
Underneath it all
"Next time? You can't even be bothered to see me for all of the two seconds it takes to drop the bitch off?"
His smile vanished and mine sprung up. "You know I don't like it when you call her that."
"And I don't like being outright ignored for no good reason."
He sighed. "I thought you said you wanted space. I'm giving you space."
I rolled my eyes. "I said, 'a little less you and me' not no, you and me."
I'm really lucky
His smile was strong and immediate, but this time there was no sarcasm, no bitterness behind it. It was just shiny and new, like a virgin. Sorry, after the shiny and new bit, I couldn't help but go there. "So it's true. You missed me." he said, he didn't make it a question and I didn't like that.
Underneath it all
You're really lovely
"What do you mean 'so it's true'? Did the hobbit tell you that lie?"
You know some real bad tricks
His grin was spreading across his pleased face, but he didn't say anything this time. Just opened his arms and wiggled his fingers.
"No," I said, shaking my head, arms now crossed against my chest. I felt a very three-year-old style pout forming on my lips.
And you need some discipline
"C'mon, Sugar Pie." he said, his fingers still wiggling. "I don't need anyone to tell me to know you missed me. It was written all over your face when I walked through the door and past you. You wanted the hug. Now take it."
Dropping my hands to my side, I rolled my eyes. "This is ridiculous." I said, turning to leave. But apparently, turning my back to Justin was never a good idea, because as soon as I had, he was all over me. His arms wrapped around my waist from behind, pulling me against him with a sigh as his head rested on my shoulder. I wanted to shrug him off, roll my eyes and be annoyed, but...
But, lately you've been trying real hard
Goddamn it! I really must be sick.
And giving me your best
"Aww, the lovebirds are kissing and making up."
I turned at the sound of the voice, just as Justin planted a gentle kiss just behind my ear. With his arms still around me, he turned with me. Janice and Richard were standing by the door. Janice was smiling at us. She'd been the one to say it. Richard was smiling too. But like Janice, he tended to just smile a lot. He wasn't making eye contact. His eyes seemed to be looking just above our shoulders.
You're really lovely
Underneath it all
Justin gave me one more soft kiss to my temple this time as he opened his arms, releasing me and leaning against the counter. I turned back to him to see if this was some kind of test. Like it was my turn to the embrace him or something. But his face was calm and pleasant. There was no scheming going on as far as I could see.
You want to love me
Underneath it all
Janice and Richard continued to stand in the doorway, smiling, wordless. Justin continued to lean against the counter just behind me. His face pleasantly blank. I seemed to be the only one who was uncomfortable in the silence. I didn't know if I should have moved away from Justin and stood closer to the middle of the floor. Or stand closer to Justin, as my fake girlfriend ties would dictate.
It felt like I was choosing sides. But neither side was willing to help me decide. Just when I had given up trying to figure out the silence and the plastered on smiles, Sadie burst into the room, with all her idiotic energy. The attention nut couldn't stand long without being the focal point. She bounded past Richard and Janice as if they weren't even there. It was only when she'd gotten over to me and as I was leaning down to pet her that she turned around and noticed them. A low growl tumbling out of her little mouth.
She'd never really warmed up to Janice or Richard. She tolerated Janice occasionally, but every now and then she'd let Janice know that she still wasn't on the favorite's list with a bark here, growl there. Richard, she didn't see him too often and whenever she did, she would nearly throw herself into a fit with all the barking. But luckily today, it was just a growl.
Justin stepped up beside us now, leaning into Sadie, scolding her gently. "Stop that."
Sadie turned her dark, dark nearly black eyes to Justin for a moment, before looking at Richard and Janice again. A small, barely audible bark escaped.
"Sadie..." he warned.
Sadie didn't even look at him this time; she just kept her eyes on the other two.
"I don't understand why she still doesn't like me." Janice said. She sounded almost hurt about it. "I've always been nice to her."
I shrugged. "Sadie doesn't like very many people. She's more likely to bark and growl at someone than wag her tail."
"Like Mama, like daughter."
I turned to glare at Justin, but he simply raised his hands in surrender. "It wasn't me."
"Okay, Shaggy."
He laughed, standing back to his full six-one. "Really it wasn't."
"Then who was it?"
"Me."
I turned to the new voice, finding Richard still standing in the kitchen doorway with a small smile on his face. I just shook my head. "I expect little snide remarks like that from Justin, but you..."
"It wasn't an insult."
"It wasn't a compliment either."
He consented to that with a slight nod as he moved further into the room. Sadie let out an immediate series of barks, letting everyone know she wasn't happy with the situation. Richard stopped moving, Sadie kept barking.
I looked at Justin, expecting him to step in again and hush the furball, but he was looking at Janice. I glanced over at Janice to see if she was watching him too. She was. A smile lop-sided grin was tugging at her lips, her eyes were even smiling. Those mofos were flirting silently. Who does that?
Better yet, why weren't Richard and I doing that? I glanced back over at Richard. He was even closer than before. Close to touching distance. Sadie's barks had gotten frantic, like she hadn't chosen between flight or fight yet and knew she was running out of time.
Richard took another slow step forward as if he couldn't hear Sadie. Maybe they'd all suddenly gone deaf, 'cause it didn't seem like anyone but me was hearing her. And the barks were too loud and annoying not to be heard.
Justin was still smiling at Janice. Janice was still smiling at Justin. Richard was still watching me and taking steps closer. Two more and he'd be close enough to touch with teeth or hand, depending on Sadie or my next moves.
The situation was getting a little too weird for me. I didn't know what Richard intended to do when he was standing practically on top of me, with my fake boyfriend standing right there. My fake boyfriend who at the moment only had eyes for my good friend. My good friend who was shamelessly watching my fake boyfriendâ”who as far as she knew was my real boyfriendâ”the way a woman watches a man she wants to make no qualms about that she wants.
She wanted Justin. Justin wanted her. Richard seemed to want me. Everything was going just according to plan. So why was I suddenly pissed off and wanting to kick everyone out the house?
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
Just as Richard took his second to last step, Sadie made her decision. Fight. The barking stopped just as soon as the screaming started. That broke everyone out of their little dream worlds, quick. Sadie's little mouth was practically gnawing on Richard's ankle. Richard was cursing and trying to shake her off. But the bitch was determined not to be shaken. She'd warned him. She'd made her decision. The fight was on.
It was only when Justin stepped in, trying to unclasp Sadie's jaw from Richard that I realized that I'd been watching like a common bystander at an accident instead of making moves to help the situation. After a little struggle, Sadie was in Justin's arm and Richard's ankle was free. He was still cursing, but when he rolled up his pant leg to check the damage nothing looked too bad. Minor nicks. Her teeth hadn't really gotten past his jeans. It was nothing a band-aid or two couldn't fix.
He wasn't cursing anymore, but rather had settled for quiet brooding in a nearby chair while Janice rushed around like a chicken with its head cut off looking for something. I didn't know what she was looking for and maybe neither did she, but I guess she just felt the need to be doing something. Rushing around aimlessly was doing something. Not much of something, but something nevertheless.
Finding the band-aids, I walked over to where Richard was still pouting. After the cursing, he hadn't said anything. I pushed up his pant leg and stared at the tiny wounds. Even up close they still didn't look too bad. Sadie would have been disappointed. I poked at one of the wounds to see if it was bleeding at all, since nothing was flowing down his leg to make it obvious. He immediately jerked his leg away.
"That hurts." He frowned down at me.
He was so angry, but angry looked so cute on him that it took all I had not to smile. Smiling would not have been good right now. "It's not that bad."
"It's not that bad? The bitch attacked me."
A frown settled down on my features. "Don't call her that."
"That's what she is."
"So am I, but I still wouldn't want you calling me that. Let's not be redundant."
A few seconds later, Richard was all band-aided up. Justin had disappeared somewhere with Sadie. When I looked around, Janice was gone too. That brought another frown to my face. Suspicious, who me?
"I'm sorry."
I turned to look at him. He was still seated at one of the chairs. "About what?" I said, confused.
"I shouldn't have called her a bitch."
I laughed. Short, amused laughter bubbled out of my throat. "Richard, you are too nice for words."
He frowned. "Was that a compliment?"
"Maybe." I shrugged, still grinning at him.
"Are you flirting with me?"
"Maybe." I said, my grin still very much in place. "But only so you won't press charges, of course."
Finally a smile broke loose across his face, lighting up the room. "Of course."
Before I could test out this whole silent flirting thing, Justin strode back into the room.
"Where's Sadie?"
"In your room."
"Alone in my room?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
"Alone in my room, free to get into anything she wants?"
He nodded again, as if he failed to see the problem with this. "Yeah."
"You left an attention needy bitch alone in my room." This time it wasn't a question.
"I thought calling her a bitch was redundant?" That was Richard.
I hated it when people used my own words against me. Taking a second to glare at Richard, I turned back to facing Justin. "If she tears anything up, poops or pees anywhere but outside. I am going to have to hurt you."
He smiled, slow and easy. "Is that a promise?"
Justin was moving into my space now, I didn't know if it was a challenge or an invitation. It felt like an invitation. I let him keep moving. When he was within touching distance, he stopped and just watched me.
"You know I hate starâ”" and that was all I could get out before his lips met mine in a rush. It almost felt like they couldn't get here fast enough. The approach may have been rushed, but the landing was slow and deliberate. He pulled away slowly, leaning back in a few times to pull my bottom lip into his mouth. When it was all over, I was breathless and energized at the same time.
You're really lovely
He went back to watching me, his arms safely at his sides. A small grin skipping across his face. "You taste different. Is that a new lip gloss?"
I just noddedâ”too afraid to open my mouth, because I had this strange sensation to giggle. And I do not giggle.
"I like it."
He was still watching me and in a couple more seconds it was going to turn into a staring contest, if one of us didnât speak up soon. Which basically meant it had to be me, because Justin was looking pretty damn content with just staring. Breaking into the silence, I said, "Where's Janice?"
He shrugged. "I thought she was still in here, with you."
I opened my mouth to say something else, but that was when Janice came rushing back into the room. "I found it!" she announced happily. "I found my first aid kit."
"That's nice,â I said. âBut he's already gotten medical attention."
"Really? From who?"
"Nurse Fionna poked at the wounds then put band-aids over them." Richard interjected.
"Nurse? Why can't I be Doctor?" I frowned. "Band-aids are tricky. One false move and that would have been it. I practically risked your life to save it."
"And for that I shall be eternally grateful." He laughed, that joyous laugh that made me feel like now matter how close I was, I could never get close enough to him.
"So I destroyed my room looking for this for nothing?"
I took a moment to consider it, before nodding. "Yeah." I laughed. "Pretty much, yeah."
"I'll help you clean up." Justin offered.
She watched him for a moment, but before shaking her blonde head. "No, you just want an excuse to be in my room."
Justin just laughed at that and all the answer you could possibly want was right there in that laugh. I could feel my smile slipping away and I let it go with a sigh. I wasn't mad, I didn't have any reason to be mad. But I wasn't happy either. I didn't know what it was, or why it was happening, but I wanted it to stop. This sinking feeling in the pit of my gut whenever those two flirted in the slightest, I needed that to stop. Right now.
This fucking deal was messing with my head.
Fionna was just like one of the guys. Except that I never really forgot that she was a female. I guess what I'm fumbling to say is that I'm comfortable around her. I don't feel the need to overdo things, to be impressive, to be anything more than what I am. Besides, it would be pointless even if I did try. She's not one to be easily impressed. Well, at least that's what I always thought until Richard came along. So maybe he's the exception to the rule.
She didn't feel the need to be impressive for me either. Her constant jeans and a t-shirt wardrobe and take me or leave me attitude hinted very strongly at that. But I'm not so sure that it's because she's comfortable with me, or just because she really could take me or leave me and it wouldn't make a difference.
She did at least try to improve herself for Richard. Other than generally being nicer to him, she dressed better when she knew he was going to be around. It was like out of nowhere her closet had birthed skirts. Seeing her in a skirt she hadn't been forced into, shocked the hell out of me the first time. She didn't really appreciate my reaction to her new style.
I don't even know why I had started in on the length of the skirt, which was slightly less than mid-thigh or the size, which was snug enough to hug her curves. I want to blame it on the fact that I'm just used to her dressing in looser fitting clothes that leave much to the imagination. Having everythingâ”or just a lot more than usualâ”on display, I dunno...
She kept telling me that I wasn't her real boyfriend. That I was taking this whole fake boyfriend thing too far. I tried to tell her that I was just being a friend. That this is what friends do.
She had kindly said, "Fuck off, friend."
I hadn't said anything after that. I was madâ”actually pissed was more like it, and I didn't understand why I was getting so heated over what she wore around Richard. Sure, you're thinking the reason is obvious. But it's really not. Because I don't like Fionna in more than a buddy, pal kind of way. And yeah, sure for the most part she fell into the 'one of the guys' category, but when she pulled shit like thatâ”all I could see was female. Exposed female. I tended to be overprotective of the females in my life, which often led to sad memories like my mom calling me a cockblocker.
My phone was ringing. Glancing down at the number, I sighed. "Hi, Mom." I hadn't talked to my mom in a while, but I wasn't in the mood for the drama.
"Hey, sweetie." She said, her voice sounding unusually upbeat.
"Why are you so happy?"
"You're old momma isn't allowed to be happy?"
"Sure you are. It's just...kinda weird."
"Well, when you spend the night with a tall, dark and wondrously flexible man, who doesn't mind experimenting...you'd sound a little happy too."
"Ma..." I groaned. "The bad memories...let's not add this to that."
She laughed, softly. "Sorry, baby. Sometimes I forget that my new sex life makes you squeamish."
"Your old one did too."
She laughed again, but this time the laugh sounded different, nervous almost.
"Ma, what's wrong?"
"Nothing." She snapped. Defensive much?
"Have you talked to dad lately?"
"Yeah, you could say that. We've..." She said. "We've talked."
"About what?"
"About things." She snapped again. "About grown folk business things."
"Okay, okay. Geesh."
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm just..." She sighed. "I'm happy, but I'm pissed at myself for being happy. Does that make any sense?"
I nodded before realizing she couldn't see me. "I understand it's like me andâ”"
"And the thing is it would have never happened if I hadn't taken that fourth drink. I shoulda known what he was doing. I'd been married to bastard for too many damn years to not be able see the signs. A little booze, some soft music..." She let her voice fade into oblivion. "I did know. I knew the second before I knocked on the door. I knew what he was going to try to do. I knew I was going to let him do it. He missed me. I missed him." She let out a noise that sounded somewhere in between a laugh and a strangled cry. "That was the best sex I've had in months. And believe me, I've been having a lot. But I can't do that again. I won't do that again."
I tried to ignore the fact that this was my mother telling me intimate details about her sex life with my father. I tried very hard not to add another bad memory to the list. "If you're happy, then what's the problem?"
She laughed. It was pure sadness. "Let me stop talking about this mess. I think of you as my best friend so much that sometimes I forget you're my son too. And there are some things a mother just shouldn't share with her son. Grown son or not."
I can't say I disagreed with her on that, so I didn't say anything at all.
"So how's Jackie doing? You hollering at her yet?"
I just laughed and shook my head. "Janice is fine. And no, I haven't hollered at her yet, per se."
"Well what in the hell are you waiting for? I ain't getting any younger. I need some grandbabies to settle my fast ass down. But I better not catch you on no, âYou are...not the fatherâ episodes Maury be having."
"You don't have to worry about that."
"Why not?" She sounded suspicious now. "Boy, have you been lookin' for a few good men?"
I frowned. "I'm not gay, Ma."
"Mmmhmm."
"I'm not!"
"Then lay some pimpin' down. Lay some pipe. Do what you gotta do. A lil' booze and soft music will probably do the trick." Her voice was still teasing, but I know her mind was somewhere else. Somewhere else that I as her son would undoubtedly not want to follow. "Hey, I don't got all day to be sittin' around talkin' to you. I got a date with this toolman. Said he was gonna bring his tools over to play. Long, hard tools."
"Ma..." I whined.
"Sorry, sorry. That was a mother/son line crossing moment."
"Ya think."
Did I say that out loud?
"Who the hell do you think..."
Cutting her off, I was quick to take my turn apologizing. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that."
"Mmmhmm. You sound just like your father now." She said and just as I thought I heard a sniffle from her side, the phone went dead. She'd let the dial tone say her goodbye.
Women. You can't live with 'em and you can't live without 'em. I would have called my dad to talk about this subject in general, if it wasn't for that fact that we'd never been that close. Ever since I'd decided to join MMC, he'd acted different towards me. I think he was mad because mom was always following behind me, leaving him at home alone. Before I'd ever considered joining MMC, he'd been her world. Sure, she loved me. I was her son. But she loved him, in that deep down, no words for, man-to-woman grown up love way. It's not to say that she stopped loving him after she began to chaperon me around the world. She just wasn't around like he was used to. So he began to make other plans. Sometimes three and four different plans at once. One time the plans found out about each other.
I'd spent that evening locked in my room, wondering if I called the police, would my mom be the one getting dragged around in cuffs. She'd been the loudest, angriest voice of all. I only knew that she'd started to get violent, when I heard my dad repeating, "Stop hitting me, Lynn." That was quickly revised to, "No, don't throw that!" and it wasn't long before that one turned into this one, "Baby, baby. Please. Put the knife down."
My mom didn't play around. Not when it came to her family or her heart. And she'd felt like he was spitting on both.
Women. You can't live with 'em, but piss them off enough and you won't live without 'em.
Suddenly, there was a loud knock at my door. Opening the door, I found Fionna standing outside. Her curly shoulder length hair had been straightened. Her jeans and a t-shirt must have been dirty because she was wearing some khaki capris and a v-cut pastel colored shirt, which gave away a teasing display of cleavage.
"You ran out of skirts for Richard?" That sounded snide, even to me.
Fionna was unperturbed. Shrugging, she said, "I figured a skirt wouldn't leave much dignity after I'd plunged to my death."
Did I mention we were going to go bungee jumping? My idea, of course. Fionna was quick to say no, but once her precious Richard was on board she'd changed her mind. She was willing to jump off a bridge for this man. If that wasn't overdoing it, then I don't know what is.
"You're not going to die." I said, rolling my eyes. "There's about two in one million chance of death."
"Tell that to Trevor."
I frowned. "Who's Trevor?"
"WILL...YOU...MAR-RY..." She trailed off, as if that explained everything. She must have noticed that I was still lost, because the next thing she said was, "Fresh Prince. Hilary's boyfriend proposed to her by bungee jumping on TV. He never finished because his face had become one with the pavement by then."
"But that's a TV show."
She shook her head, looking very solemn. "It was a warning to black folks."
I laughed, shaking my head at her. "Whateva, let's go."
"Yeah, wouldn't want to keep death waiting."
"Or Richard." I added in, without even thinking.
She just rolled her eyes and walked out ahead of me. But hey, at least she wasn't talking about dying anymore.
âThis is it.â
âYeah.â I nodded shakily, glancing over the edge. We had decided to do it in pairs. Justin and I. Janice and Richard. I hadnât been pleased with the pairing, but when I was supposed to be Justinâs girlfriend it would have been a little odd if I fought being paired up with him.
âYou ready?â
âIs anyone ever ready to die?â
He chuckled, loud and carefree, as if we werenât just about to jump off a damn bridge with just a cord to stand in between us and the pearly gates.
âArenât you scared at all?â I asked, staring up into his big tranquil blue orbs. âAnd even if you arenât, couldnât you just pretend to be a little afraid? Just so I donât have to worry about your sanity and can completely focus on my current lack thereof.â
He laughed, his hands making small circles on my back. âItâs gonna be alright, Sugar Pie. The worst part isnât even the fall.â
âThen what is?â
âWhat happens after.â
He stared at me for a long silent moment. I wanted to look away, was going to look away, but there was just something in his eyesâŠsomething that worried me, scared me, excited me that held my gaze. This wasnât a staring contest, but if it had been I would have lost. Looking away first, I did the one thing that I knew I wasnât supposed to do: I looked down, way past over the edge.
I would imagine that falling in love is quite like falling over the side of a bridge with an elastic cord strapped to you. I would have never been able to do it, unless given at least a slight push. And then once I was falling, tumbling down to what I assumed would be the end of me, I clung for dear life to Justin, screaming the entire way. Cheek to cheek, we fell together. Screaming, but feeling strangely alive. Iâd never felt soâŠfree.
Ain't no feeling like being free
When your mind's made up
And your heartâs in the right place, yeah
There was this thrilling sense of invincibility and independence, while at the same time my entire life depended on one cord. One cord to snap me back up just before my body collided smack into the ground. I didnât trust the cord, but he did. He trusted enough for the both of us. And I somehow mustered up enough trust inside of me to trust him. And we fell that day. Fell faster and harder then Iâd even fallen before. And Iâve taken some pretty hard falls in my life, but never anything quite like that.
Ain't no feeling like being free
When you've done all you could
But what's misunderstood
(It's all good, it's all good)
The oddest thing was, despite all my screaming, all my death lock clinging to him, I enjoyed myself. I was calm too, with just his arms around me, the wind whipping past us, and a cord strapped to me for safety. I was calm.
Ain't no feeling like being free
I'm like an eagle set free
And finally I'm looking out for me
It wasnât until we were hanging at the bottom, upside down, staring eye to eye, his lips getting closer by the second that I realized: he was right.
Ain't no feeling like being free
Cause my mindâs made up
The worst part isnât even the fall.
And my heart is in the right place, yeah
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This chapter featured: No Doubt - Underneath It All
Destiny's Child - Free
