“My weakness is that I care too much.”
”Papa Roach "Scars"
The only thing that hurts more than seeing your ex happily with someone else, is seeing your ex happily with a someone else who happens to be one of your friends. Okay, actually what hurts more is seeing your ex happily with someone else who happens to be one of your friends who asked your permission to date her in the first place.
Richard’s a stand-up guy, so I can’t say that I was surprised that he asked me first if it was okay with me, but I’ve got to say I was more than a little tempted to just say no. But this was the plan all along. We date each other to get each other friends. Unfortunately for me, somewhere along the way my plans changed.
Too bad hers seemed to stay right on course.
It was the beginning of fall. In most every other place this side of the hemisphere, short shorts and tank tops would have no longer been weather appropriate gear. But this was California. We didn't follow the standard seasonal weather patterns. We had one season and that wonderful sun loving season made for year-round eye-candy. The skin flashing variety. The best kind. No snow bunnies for us. Just Playboy bunnies.
Every which way I looked”bikinis. Pink. Bright blue. Green. Yellow polka dot. Bikinis.
Long-haired goddesses were strolling up and down the beach. All around us. Jogging, getting their Bay Watch run on.
My boys were loving it. Their eyes damn near falling out of their heads. Tongues hanging out the side of their mouths like a panting dog. I just sat back, laid back, watched and laughed as they ran game, got rejected and before the rejection could fully bitch-slap their overdeveloped egos, they'd move on to the next cutie with a booty strolling by.
Normally, I would have been right there with them. 'Course, I'd be looking better, spitting somethin’ smooth, so smooth that most females wouldn't even realize how much game I'd just run them over with until it was too damn late and just didn't matter anymore. Flash a disarming grin, lick my lips, stand familiarly close, strong eye contact...I would have pulled out all my tricks.
Normally, I would have been there with them, but I wasn't feeling it today. Hadn't been feeling it, whatever it was, for awhile.
The playa-playa bullshit had started to get old, so I had been sticking to lovin', romancin'...too bad that had turned into bullshit nearly just as quickly.
So now I was out of the game. Perfectly okay with being a spectator for now. Needed to regroup, to get my head together.
As I was laying there, staring up at the sky, watching the clouds, searching for a sign from God, that's when I noticed them.
Strolling the beach, hand in hand, along the coastline. Just close enough to the shore to let the water lap gently over their toes.
I didn't know it was them I had noticed. Not at first.
At first, they'd only looked like just another couple, just another couple which love had turned into its bitches. All smiles and giggles”I had rolled my eyes at them, but there was something about them that held my attention at the same time.
They had the love-sick look down pat, but they seemed to be in an argument at the moment. No frowns, but lots of head shaking and pointing. That coming from the lady. The man seemed to be trying to talk her into doing something that she didn't want to do.
That's when my mind drifted to that forbidden zone”Fionna. We'd had countless arguments that had looked just like that. I usually won out of sheer strength of persistence. But this man had better tactics.
Her mouth had been moving, yammering away, until he leaned in pressing his lips to hers. Her body relaxed into his arms and when they finally pulled apart, she smiled and nodded.
And that was it. He scooped her up into his arms and off they went into the ocean. Just like that.
Fionna never let anything work that easy for me, for us.
I watched them smiling and giggling and splashing each other, having a grand ol' time. Watched until their grand ol' time started to piss me the fuck off.
I turned my back on them, on their smiles, their giggles, their damn happiness. Turned on my back, closed my eyes, head resting on my folded arms.
I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, I felt a sharp kick to my side. Rolling over, I opened my eyes, frowning and squinting up at the shadow which had fallen over me. "What?" I snapped.
The shadow grinned, before crouching down beside me. The shadow's face looking annoyingly similiar to one of my friends, Danny.
Danny Jamieson had lived out in LA for nearly a decade and his Boston accent had mostly faded but every now and then his tongue would wrap around a certain word and that accent would flip on automatically, strong. Danny was a dark-haired prettyboy with a heart of gold. Complete love sap, but also ready and willing to put on the asshole front.
Currently he was tied down to a blonde haired, busty ball and chain named Melinda out in San Fran, so it was very rare that I, or any of his friends for that matter, got to spend any time with his whipped ass. As loud as the crack of the whip could be heard whenever he happened to be around, Danny had managed to not take that next step. To not pop that question. To not be a man about the fact that he wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life waking up to one woman, sleeping with one woman, loving and being loved by one and only one woman. To not get engaged.
Commitment issues were a bitch. Recognizing that he had them and then trying to get over it, well, maybe that would make him feel like a bitch.
The crouching shadow, not so hidden asshole said, "Sun burnt."
"Huh?" I frowned, wincing as I moved to sit up.
"No suntan lotion, laying out under all these rays...you're sun burnt, dumbass."
My frown deepened. "You woke me up to inform me of that?"
He shook his head, a crooked grin growing on his face. "No, I woke you to inform you of that." He said, pointing toward the water and the giggling couple that I'd been watching before I'd fallen asleep, who was now on the beach building what looked like a crappy lop-sided sand castle.
"What about it?"
He rolled his eyes, shook his head. "Dumb and blind, you're looking more and more attractive all the time."
"Jackass." I muttered, head turning to stare at the couple again. They were closer now. Faces more distinctive. Smiles, giggles more obvious.
Now I was feeling like the jackass, sitting there, sun burnt and alone. I'd been watching them and hadn't even realized who they were.
They were sitting close together on a blanket having a picnic, feeding each other.
Shoulder length hair that I knew for a fact was curly, despite the fact that it was currently blowing around her face looking straight and silky caught my attention. How did I not recognize her sooner?
Fionna’s sun-kissed, naturally golden brown skin looked like it was glowing. Richard was grinning, chest poked out, proud, like he'd been the one to give her that glow. I sure as hell didn't want to know what he'd done to give her that glow.
So close, too close. They were much too close. To each other, to me.
Done with lunch now, he’d sprawled out on the blanket on his back, her head was now resting comfortably on his chest. His hands wandered up and down her arm, familiarly”going places that just a month ago I’d been allowed to go.
It had taken her so long to warm up to me and even in the end”she had dismissed me so quickly, so easily, I had to wonder if any of it was real. I know it wasn't supposed to be, but...but...
Laying there in each other arms they looked so carefree, so goddamn carefree.
Then suddenly he rolled her over, pinning her to her back. His body hovered over hers in intimate places. They were close enough to the tide that when it came in, it drenched her hair. He smiled down at her, running his hand over her face, smoothing down her hair.
I expected to see her face frowned up, her mouth set to tell him off, but there was no frown just a big grin as she began to wrap her arms around his neck, bringing him closer to her.
That brought a frown to my face.
“Man, snap out of it.”
I turned away, tearing my eyes from Richard and Fionna’s water escapades. Facing the owner of the voice, my frown deepened as I stared at Jorge.
LA born and raised, Jorge Sanchez was metrosexual from his manicured hands to his perfectly gelled hair to the ridiculous amount of skin care products he had, making his bathroom look like he’d just gone into a grocery store went to the skin care aisle and pushed a whole damn shelf of items into his cart.
Maybe it was the fact that he’d spent so much of his life confined to the west coast”I dunno”but the man was perpetually restless. In all things. Relationships. Careers. Locations. So I didn't see him often. If it weren't for text messages and the random post cards I got every now and then I probably would have lost contact with Jorge years ago.
Frowning, I turned to look at him. “Snap out of what?”
“It.” Jorge said. “This damn love sick fawning you’ve been doing ever since you and Fionna broke up. She’s moved on. Don’t you think it’s about time you do the same?”
“It’s only been a month.” I muttered. Not that you could tell by how quickly she’d moved on, like we had never happened.
“It’s been three weeks.” Danny said, from his new position, laid down beside me, face up, eyes closed, sunbathing. “And you know how I know? Because for three weeks I’ve been having to deal with your woe-is-me pitiful lil’ ass.”
“I’m trying, but it’s…” I started, my voice trailing off as my eyes wandered back over to where Richard and Fionna were rolling around in the sand, looking like they were play wrestling. “It’s just hard.”
Being his ever-sympathetic self, Jorge rolled his eyes and said,“Yeah, whatever. And if you ever want it to be hard again without a handy to do it, I suggest you stop moping and find something to smile about and quick.”
I wanted to argue that I hadn’t been moping, maybe a little righteous brooding and listening to the occasional sad love song, as well as writing a few and watching My Best Friend’s Wedding over and over, each time throwing popcorn at the screen when Julia Roberts lost out to Cameron Diaz.
Okay, so maybe I was moping. Maybe it was pathetic. Maybe…
My eyes were like magnets and Fionna unfortunately happened to be the positive to my negative.
God must have taken pity on me, because they were done rolling around in the sand and were looking like they were gonna leave. Hand in hand. They were getting further and further away, when she suddenly turned around and”our eyes connected.
The smile she’d been wearing dropped slightly as her eyes landed on me. Just as her smile wilted, her right hand rose to wave, awkwardly as if she was debating on whether or not she really wanted to do that. When Richard started to turn to see who she was waving at, she was quick to redirect him to look straight ahead again”away from me.
And off they strolled together. Smiling, giggling, arms locked.
“Hey, give the man a break.” Danny chimed in, seeming to come to my defense. “Shit, I’d be a little broken up too if I had of realized once it was too late what a fine piece of ass I was going to be missing out on.” He and Jorge chuckled their asses off at that.
Rolling my eyes, shaking my head, I couldn’t help but smile. I knew that my friends weren’t going to get it. Girls were still just there for the taking for them, things to be used. I wanted someone who could understand, but I didn’t expect them to understand. They’d been this way for as long as I could remember, just because now it was Fionna didn’t change anything for them. But it changed things for me.
I didn’t expect them to understand that. It was hard enough to get myself to that level of understanding, without countering it by falling into the hormonal tide”following wherever my Johnson led.
I didn’t expect them to understand, so all I could do was shake my head and smile. Shake my head, smile and hope to God no one saw just how close I was to breaking down.
This is me getting over it, moving on.
Blonde hair flipped over elegant shoulders with a toss of the head. A slow grin spread across her face lit only by the dim light of the restaurant. She looked even more beautiful by candlelight.
“I had always kind of figured that you liked me. I just didn’t think you’d ever have…” There was a diplomatic pause as she giggled before she finished her thought. “the cojones, as they say, to ask me out.”
I had been leaned in, our heads as close as they could get with a table in between, but now I leaned back with a smirk. The smirk was meant to be sexy, confident, all that cocky bullshit that people typically think when my name comes up. There were only a few people who could see through it. Luckily for me, Janice wasn’t one of them.
“There were…” I had my own diplomatic pause. “complications.”
“Yeah,” She giggled. “You were dating one of my best friends.”
I tried not to frown as I said, “She’s your best friend?”
“One of them, yes.” She nodded.
I knew they were friends, close enough to become roommates, but I would have never thought they were best friends. I wonder if Fionna considers her, her best friend. Or even one of them. I wonder who she would consider her best friend, if not Janice. I’ve only met one other person she might possibly consider a friend and that’s Charlene. But she must have other friends, right?
Maybe not though. Fionna never did come off as the type that needed to have people around. But then again, even after all this time of knowing her, it feels like I still don’t know anything at all. Like I’m reading and reading and reading and somehow I’m never getting past the first chapter.
“That’s what makes this so…so weird.” She sighed, her fingers toying with her blonde locks as her gaze fell to the table top. Raising her eyes back to mine, she said, “If Fionna hadn’t been so okay with it, I would have never even answered your call, let alone be sitting here. And even though she said it was fine, it still didn’t feel fine, y’know? Like something was off. But she’s been dating Richard now and she’s in that google-eyed love stage where everything he does is so fantastic.”
Clearing my throat loudly, I looked around the room, trying to figure out what I could to do to get away from this conversation. When my eyes settled back on Janice, she was sitting quietly, studying me with a smirk.
She leaned forward, her elbow resting on the table, her head in her hand as she continued to stare at me silently with the same smirk on her face. “You love her.” When I started to shift in my seat, her smirk grew into a full-blown grin. That made me nervous and pissed off at the same time. “You still love her.”
“I-I don’t…I””
Her smile dropped a fraction of an inch on each side. “Don’t lie. Don’t insult my intelligence with stumbled lies. Especially when it’s written all across your still-in-love-with-her face. I mention one thing about Fionna and part of your face wants to smile just at the mention of her name and the other part wants to screw up into a frown, but the one thing they both have in common is love. You love her. You still love her.”
I scoffed, shaking my head, but not saying a word, because I was sure that I couldn’t tell a believable lie at that moment to save my life. And this was definitely not a time for truth.
Her smirk was back, her elbows up again, her head in her hand as she gazed at me in seeming wonderment. Then the wonderment faded into a growing suspicion. “What are you two up to?”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I smell scheming. So what are you two up to? Or what are you up to? I know somebody is up to something.”
I didn’t say anything, my gaze falling down to my hands. When I looked up again, she was still watching, the suspicion causing a tension between her eyebrows.
“You shouldn’t frown. It doesn’t look right on your pretty face.”
A small grin skipped across her face”with an upward twitch of the lips Janice could light up the darkest room. This smile wasn’t one of those, but it was pleasant. “That’s what I’m always telling Fionna, but she seems not to notice how pretty she is. And now I see, she just seems to not notice a lot of things.” She was still gazing at me, head in hand. The suspicion was settling back down into wonderment. Her gaze dropped from mine, her free hand drawing idle circles on the table top. “So what are you going to do about all this?”
“All what?”
Her smile grew, began to stretch from ear-to-ear, bright and brilliant. Those blue eyes of hers seemed more intelligent, more insightful by the minute. “I think y’all are going to make me have to accidentally lock you two alone together in a room over a weekend.”
I just stared at her for a moment, before a slow grin broke loose across my face. “Accidentally, of course.”
She did a slow, lazy shrug”her everpresent smile still in place. “Accidents do happen.”
“Now who’s the one scheming?”
“I would still say you. This whole thing is kind of…odd. Don’t you think? Richard, Fionna. Now you, me.” She said, watching me carefully as I tried to keep my face blank. “It’s all happening very quickly not to be planned.”
I swallowed the growing lump down my throat, looked around the room, buying time. I really didn’t need her going Sherlock Holmes on me right now.
I shrugged. “Complications.”
She nodded and leaned back into the booth, her face falling more into the shadows. “Complications.”
We spent the rest of dinner in relative silence. Each of us glancing up occasionally from our meals to check if the other one was in fact still there.
I know I should have said something, anything to try to make conversation. But the silence wasn’t awkward, so instead of scrambling with words I just enjoyed it. Silence is okay. Not a good sign for a first date, but for us to get to a second I think we had more problems than lack of conversation.
Janice and I had a lot of things in common. We both liked to try new things, be adventurous, live for the moment, carpe diem”all that good crap. We both were typically pretty upbeat, laidback, chill type of people. I’m attracted to her. She’s attracted to me. We’re attractive people. Together we’d make for a pretty damn attractive couple.
And she’d be more than just some blonde with perky boobs and big smile on my arm at red carpet events. She’s smart. You could have a deep conversation with her if you wanted to. I bet if I watched Jeopardy with her she’d answer nine out of ten questions correctly. I’m lucky to get one right for the whole damn show, unless the topic is something I know. Like, say…I dunno, Baywatch Babe”I’d be all over that.
But then I’d probably forget to answer in question form and lose anyways, walk out with negative something points and wind up owing them. But I digress.
The point is”Janice Mitchell has a lot to offer. Everything that I thought I would want. Everything that I do want. But when I’m sitting here across from her at The Ivy I can’t help but wonder what Fionna’s doing right now and how she’d never allow me to drag her to a place like this and if by some stroke of magic I did get her in the doors and to a table she’d just complain about how expensive everything was and how my money could be put to some better use like those Feed The Children campaigns, a random homeless person on the street, a soup kitchen”something. That’s just how Fionna was. Everything that I’m not, she typically is. And vice versa.
I must have gone into auto-pilot because the next thing I knew, I blinked and I found myself pulling into the driveway that led to the house that Janice and Fionna shared. I don’t even remember desert. Did we have desert?
Standing at the door now, I cleared my throat buying myself some thinking time. The date hadn’t exactly gone that great. It was more like two friends going out to dinner than anything else. Did that merit a goodnight kiss? And if I did lean in, would she brush me off by giving me the cheek?
I definitely didn’t want the cheek”that’s never a good feeling for the ego. Not that I knew from personal experience, of course.
“Do you want to come in?” Janice asked, fumbling with her keys.
Fumbling with keys was good, right? It was a sign that she was stalling and wanted the kiss, right? But wait, what did she just say? Come in?
I know she had to have seen that the lights were already on inside the house and that Fionna’s hunk of junk, loosely called a car was sitting in the driveway when we pulled up. There were no other cars around, expect for mine, so that meant Fionna had to be alone in there, because no matter how hard she tried she never could convince anyone to get into her metal deathtrap.
Alone or not, that didn’t mean that I would want to come inside and have to see her”all glowing and reeking of that new love funk.
“No, that’s okay.”
“You sure?” She asked, opening the door. As it opened, I got a glimpse of Fionna running, giggling. She never giggles and she never runs. Then came Richard chasing after her, scooping her up into his arms and carrying her back the way she’d come. Back to the bedroom.
“I’ll take that as a no.”
Turning back to the sound of the voice, I stared at Janice framed in the doorway, the light silhouetting her figure making her look heavenly. “No,” I shook my head. “You can take that as a hell no.”
She giggled, shaking her head, before running her fingers over my head, tousling my hair. Without another word she slipped completely into the house, leaving me staring at the now closed door.
This is me getting over it, moving on.
I went on a date. A date which ended with no goodnight kiss, but instead her tousling my hair like I was a silly young boy.
This is me getting over it, moving on.
I can’t help that my speed is creeping-dying-snail slow, while hers is tearing-up-the-road fast.
“Hey,” She said softly.
It's hard to remember how it felt before
A man never regrets giving his girlfriend a key to his place, until he looks up one day, sees her standing there looking…beautiful and knows he can’t have her anymore because she’s crossed over into Ex-land. Or at least that’s how it was working for me, at that very moment.
I glanced up from where I’d been slouched over on the couch, in front of the TV, staring more through it than at it”and there she was.
No smile, no open arms, just Fionna standing there without frowning. That was about as welcoming as she got when it came to me.
Now I found the love of my life
Her curls had been tamed and subdued into that straight and sleek style she seemed to like to impress Richard with lately. I wasn’t impressed. I’d even told her so on several different occasions that I liked the way it looked curly. But apparently it didn’t matter what I thought; she wasn’t trying to impress me. Never was.
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right
“The bitch is back.”
As if on cue, Sadie bounded out from seemingly nowhere and hopped up onto the couch and onto me. After she’d gotten her belly rubbed a few times, she was through with me and hopped back down and scurried off into the kitchen, probably looking for some crumbs that had fallen.
Typical female reaction to me though. Once they get what they want, it’s sayonara sucka, it’s hasta la vista baby, it’s nice to know you goodbye, it’s…
“Hey,” I said, forcing myself to sit upright, swinging my legs out in front of me and down onto the ground, leaving her room to sit if she wanted. “How’s your boyfriend doing?”
And after all the obstacles
Now, I know I probably shouldn’t have gone there. Especially considering the fact that I just don’t want to know about that stuff anyways. But in replace of the comment about her probably needing to turn that ‘the bitch is back’ into plural, it was the best I could do.
It's good to see you now with someone else
She shrugged, removing her jacket as she did so; eyes focused anywhere but me. “He’s okay.” Looking at me now she said, “He thinks I’m going to leave him for you.”
I had been fully prepared to feign that I was paying attention, but with that she’d gotten me to be all ears. “Are you?”
“No.” She laughed, though I failed to see what was so funny about that. “Why would I? The whole point in us dating in the first place was to get other people to like us.”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “And it worked marvelously.”
“I’m sorry about Janice. It did seem like it was going to work for awhile there.”
I stared at her, searching her face to see if she knew what exactly had happened. Had Janice talked to her about it? Told her everything? A few days had past since that kinda, sorta, not really date had happened”they could have talked.
I searched her face for a trace of laughter, a smirk, something to let me know that they’d had a good ol’ time laughing at my expense.
But there was nothing there to see, just Fionna looking growingly annoyed at the fact that I was staring.
“Yeah, but it didn’t.” I shrugged. “Actually, I don’t even think it was ever going to work. She just wasn’t feelin’ me like that. Guess that makes her a good friend to you though. But life goes on.”
She nodded. “It’s weird though.”
“What is?”
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
“Us.” She said, gesturing her hand back and forth between us. “Being broken up. I mean, I’d actually gotten used to being with you. It felt like we were real, you know like a real couple.”
I nodded, because I didn’t know how to voice all the things I really wanted to say. I wanted to tell her that we could be real. We could be a real couple. That’s what I wanted, if she wanted it too.
After all that we've been through
“Well, I better be going.” She suddenly announced as if she’d read my mind and wanted to leave before some of my unspoken thoughts slipped out.
I sighed but didn’t say anything, didn’t even look at her.
I know we're cool
“You know, you were different before.” She said, halting in her retreating steps to look back at me. “Back when we were together. Nicer. I used to be the bitchy one.”
I smiled at that. “Don’t worry, Sugar Pie, you still are.”
I know we're cool
She grinned back at me. “And that’s the way it should be. Don’t go messing with a good thing, Honey Bunch.”
This is when I expected her to leave, so that I could continue to stare at the TV mindlessly. In fact, I didn’t even wait for her to leave, because even though I hated to see her leave, I loved to see her walk away, and watching that tempting sashay of hers wasn’t a luxury I could afford myself nowadays.
“I thought you were leaving?” I said, confused as hell, when instead of finding myself alone and free to be openly miserable, there was now a head resting in my lap.
She smiled up at me, making no attempt at getting up. “Well think again. Looks like you’re stuck with me for a little while more.” She said, sticking her tongue out at me. “I just remembered that Janice might have company over and I can’t be bothered with pretending like I’m a nice friendly person right now.”
I glanced at the clock on my DVR, it was nine-thirty-eight at night. I wanted to ask who the company was but resisted, not really sure I would like the answer.
“So I’m stuck wit’ ya, huh?” I said, my fingers already getting lost in her hair.
She shrugged, her body rolling onto her side but staying close mine at the same time. “You know you missed my company.”
I did, so I gave up trying to fake the funk like it wasn’t true.
We wound up watching Shrek 2 and then watching our favorite parts from the first movie again after we’d gotten into an argument over which one was better. She won. The original was better.
The TV had been on MTV for a while. Long enough for me to notice that the shows had changed a couple times, but I wasn’t paying attention to know which ones they were. Fionna’s head was still in my lap, she hadn’t really moved much since she’d first lied down. She’d let my fingers play in her hair without one compliant and if that wasn’t shocking and noteworthy enough, she’d even let my hands wander a bit. Fingertips gently gliding up and down her bare arms.
Everything was going good, going great, until she jumped up and said, “Shit, what time is it?”
Frowning, I glanced over at the blinking green digital numbers of the clock on my DVR. “Twelve-twelve.” I said, watching as she moved even further away from me and even closer to the door. “Don’t get your stories confused. You’re the Princess. Not Cinderella. You don’t have any coaches turning into pumpkins on you to worry about.”
She rolled her eyes at me and I realized that, that was the first time she’d done that since she’d arrived. Nearly three hours ago. That had to be a new record or something. Before I could say any of this outloud though, she said, “Yeah, but I do have a boyfriend who I told I would call after I dropped the bitch off.”
I just stared at her. Stared at her as she stared right back at me. I wanted to fold my arms across my chest and make this stare down standoff official, but she beat me to it.
She’d enjoy spending time with me, lost track of time and now she was throwing the boyfriend shit up in my face to push me away, to maintain that distance that she was usually so good at keeping.
Her arms dropped to her side, her frown eased away until her face was blank with faint hints of sadness around the corners of her mouth. I wanted to say something stupid, do something silly, something that would make her smile. Even if it was just one of her tiny smiles, the ones you had to know her to know were even there. Actually, that’s just the kind of smile I wanted to see. Those were my favorites. Whenever I saw one, I could know it was intended just for me.
But she beat me to the punch again. “Alright, I’m leaving.” She said, moving toward the door. “I said, I’m leaving.”
“I heard you.” I said, not looking at her and not moving from my spot on the couch. “Bye.”
“No hug?”
The question threw me so much that I had to look up and make sure we were still the only two people in the room, so it would have had to have been her saying it. The pout on her face confirmed that I wasn’t just hearing things, but it didn’t make me any less amused or amazed.
It felt like it was just yesterday when she used to put up such a fight against being hugged. And now here she was pouting over not getting one. Women, go figure.
I smiled even though I didn’t want to. “No.” I said, shaking my head.
“No hug?!” She said, her pout deepened. “Then I can’t leave.” She decided. Her arms crossed tightly against her chest in defiance.
I pushed down my eagerness to scoop her up into my arms and carry her up to my bedroom as I’d seen Richard doing her only a few day ago at her house. Finding that nonchalance, apathetic shrug I’d been working on, I shrugged. “Suit yourself.” I said, getting up and walking away.
“You’re really not going to give me a hug goodbye?” She asked, incredulously.
I turned to face her, but didn’t say anything, just watched her, admiring her new look bitterly. She wore an all white sundress with one of those floppy JLO styled turquoise hats in her hand, a matching turquoise belt around her slim waist. She’d finished the look with a pair of strappy wedges, which gave her already bootylicious frame that extra pow.
Seeing her all dolled up like this, without anyone forcing her into it”I couldn’t help but feel pissed off. She’d never once wanted to bother with looking nice like that for me.
“Okay, fine be that way.” She relented. “I’ll just have to take my hug then.” She said, walking over to me and pulling me into a tight hug before I could react against it, her hand cupped the back of my head at first, before both of her arms wrapped around my neck. When my arms finally wrapped around her waist I felt her smile, her cheek pressed against mine.
“I knew you couldn’t resist me for long.” She sounded smug and arrogant, things she’d typically scold me for acting like. Guess I was rubbing off on her, which might have felt like a small victory if it wasn’t for the fact that I wanted to rub her in a completely different way. A very inappropriate for boss to employee touch way, since that’s all she could be towards me now.
We have changed but we're still the same
I could feel myself getting caught up in the moment, in the way her body felt hugged up so close and so warm against mine, in the cloying way she smelled, in how differently she was acting”it was all pulling me down a hole that once I’d fallen into, I don’t think I’d have the strength to climb back out.
“What are we doing?” I asked, pulling away to look her in the eye.
After all that we've been through
“Um, I think it’s called hugging. But I could be wrong so don’t quote me on that.”
“Shut up, stupid. You know what I meant.”
“Actually, I don’t.”
I know we're cool
Blue eyes locked with chocolate eyes. I tried to pull all the emotions my words couldn’t convey up into my eyes so she could see them. Raw. Unguarded. No walls. No defenses. I wanted her to feel it, feel it like I’d been feeling it lately”strong and deep, all the way down to the marrow in her bones, or at the least to a warm spot between her thighs.
“You know I don’t like staring contests.” She laughed nervously, her eyes falling from mine momentarily with hints of blushing in her light brown flavored cheeks and I knew she’d felt it, too.
Pause. We both paused. Maybe time paused.
I know we're cool
Glancing at the clock I said, “It’s getting late.”
“Is that your way of telling me to get out?” She asked, giving me one of her tiny smiles.
“No, this is my way of telling you to get out.” I said, pausing to lick my lips. “Fionna?”
“Yes,” She whispered, her smile growing ever so slightly.
“Don’t leave.”
She chuckled. “That’s an odd way to tell someone to get out.”
Yeah, I know we're cool
“Maybe it would be if it wasn’t for the fact that I don’t want you to get out.” I said, staring earnestly at her. “Stay.” Just when she was about to open her mouth, I kissed her. Long and hard. The way a man and a woman were meant to kiss. Gave her some of that grown folk love, that sinks down into you and curls your toes, warms your heart and doesn’t need words to be spoken. I kissed her not with love, but of it. “Please.”
So this is the part where I describe our mind-blowingly incredible love making, right?
If only.
After I’d kissed her I thought her not pulling away was a green light for a fast lane drive to the bedroom. We could only make it to the steps and then I was still thinking ‘okay so maybe this isn’t the ideal place to have our first time be’ but I really didn’t care where we did it. I was just aching for it to be done.
My mouth was ravishing hers, her tongue was driving me wild. Everything that had began slow, gentle”had turned frantic. My shirt had already been tossed off, her dress was just one more button away from being done the same. My hands were creeping under the hemline of the dress, when out of nowhere I heard the four most horrible words a woman could say to a guy in need of intimacy: “We can’t do this.”
“What did you say?” I asked breathlessly, hoping that she’d change her answer.
“We can’t do this.”
And I'll be happy for you
I watched her, blinking and letting the words register into my brain this time. “Oh.” I sighed. With my chest still heaving, I pulled away, moved away until I was sitting on the very bottom step, head in hand.
“Justin?”
If you can be happy for me
“Yeah?” My voice crawled out of my throat, sounding like a wounded animal that was just waiting for that final death blow to come, I looked up at her.
Circles and triangles
She hesitated, biting her lower lip. “I’m going to go.” She finally said, buttoning dress up and readjusting it.
I just nodded, wordlessly. My head back in the palm on my hands.
So far from where we've been
“Are…” She paused, as I imagined her licking her lips slowly like she usually did when she was nervous or uncomfortable. “Are…are we cool?”
I know we're cool
I looked up at her again, this time pulling the stage mask over my emotions. Watched her through eyes that I hoped weren’t shining. Eyes that I prayed wouldn’t betray me. “One of us is.” I smiled slightly.
She laughed softly. “I’m sorry.”
I know we're cool
“Don’t be.” I tried to shrug off her words, my ego not ready for an apologetic rejection at that moment. “It would have been a mistake anyways.”
“Yeah, I guess.” She nodded in agreement. Biting her lip, she added, “But I wanted to find out about the trousersnake myth.”
I grinned broadly. It was hard not to look at her for any amount of time without smiling, no matter the circumstance. I think a part of me would always smile at the sight of her. “Oh, it’s not a myth.”
As she laughed, I could see her visibly relaxing. Tension easing from her posture, her wringing hands, and tight mouth. “Whatever, weirdo. I gotta get up outta here.” She said, walking toward door now.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
C-cool, I know we're cool
She frowned and checked her person, probably making sure she had her purse and everything. “You mean my jacket? No, I was gonna grab that on the way out.”
“Not your jacket.” I grinned, opening my arms as I walked to her. “What about your hug?” Scooping her into my arms, I withheld the sigh of contentment at the sound of her giggling as I swung her around in my arms. Putting her down, I said, “Now you can leave.”
I know we're cool
__________________________________________
This chapter featured: Gwen Stefani "Cool"
