"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
-Thoreau
"What's wrong? You've been very quiet tonight."
Richard and I had taken over the downstairs TV at my place, kicking Janice out who grumbled the whole way up the stairs. I might have felt bad if I didn’t know she had a date in less than an hour with a doctor who looked like he was a McDreamy clone, but yet for some reason she was trying to find a way out of it. I don’t care how bad his breath was kicking, pop a tic-tac in his mouth and enjoy your eye-candy.
My legs were strewn over Richard’s legs as he was busy giving me a foot massage. Foot massages, back rubs, Richard was always good for working my kinks out.
"We're watching a Grey’s Anatomy’s DVD." I said, pointing at the screen. "That typically isn't a time to start conversations. It's kind of a sit-down-and-shut-the-hell-up atmosphere."
"So? That's never stopped you from talking before. Usually you're making comments, yelling at the screen. Saying, doing something. But tonight you're so quiet I have to keep looking over to make sure that you're even here."
"Don't try to turn the fact that you love to stare at me into my fault, Richard."
He smiled warmly at me. "I do like to look at you. You're beautiful,” He paused long enough to prove that black people can blush by making me the example, smiling all the while. “So I can't help it."
Frowning, I playfully shoved him as I withdrew my feet from his touch and swung them down to the floor. "Shuddup."
"And why do you always do that?"
"Do what?" I asked, my attention drifting to the scene on the screen. Alex was being an asshole again. Ah, I just loved him.
"You always brush off my compliments like it's not true."
I shrugged, not seeing the problem with that. "I know you're just saying it because that's what boyfriends say to their girlfriends." Seeing that he was still watching me as if I was supposed to change my answer, I added, "I look at myself everyday. I know what beautiful looks like."
"And what you see in the mirror isn't it?"
I frowned, eyes narrowing. "I know where this is going. So if I agree with you now, can we just get back to watching Grey’s in peace?"
"And quiet." he added. "Can't forget the quiet."
"What's wrong with you? Cause I'm beginning to see that you're the one with the problem."
He took in a deep breath of air and pushed it out slowly. Shaking his head, he said, "Just thinking."
"About?"
"I thought you wanted to watch the show?"
"I thought you wanted me to talk?" I said, watching him, watch me. "What were you thinking about?"
"You. Me. Us. The future."
"And...?"
"And that's it. Was just thinking."
"Must have been some serious thinking. You're frowning now. Frowns are about as natural to your face as Michael Jackson's nose is to his face."
He laughed and that was close as his mouth had gotten to a smile in the last minute or so. That must have been a new record for him. Sighing, he said, "It wasn't that serious."
Judging by the frown that was working its way back on his usually always ready to smile face, I seriously doubted that. "Were you wanting to have The Talk with me?"
His frown was sprouting wrinkles in his forehead that made my hand itch to smooth it all away. Frowning, he said, "The Talk?"
"You know,” I deepened my voice for my next two words. “The Talk. There comes a point in every relationship when the guy decides that they need to have The Talk. Which roughly translates to break-up time." I scanned his face closely, looking for any break-up signs. I didn’t exactly know what I was looking for though, so I said, "Are you breaking up with me?"
"Do you want me to?"
Now I was frowning too. "What the hell kind of question is that?"
"I mean,” He started again with a sigh and a shrug. “Would it matter to you if I did?"
My frown deepened. Staring at him, I couldn’t for the life of me begin to understand where all of this was coming from. "So you are breaking up with me."
"Nobody's breaking up with anybody. Unless you're the one doing it."
Just when my frown had started to ease away, he just had to go and give it a reason to return. "What are you talking about?"
He pointed at my neck, until my eyes followed his directions and saw there was a diamond heart necklace around there. "You've been toying with that all night. Silently. Frowning and thinking and couldn't keep your hands off of it. Who gave it to you?"
I continued to just stare down at it. Sure enough when I looked down, there my hand was caressing it. A diamond heart necklace that I didn’t even realize I was wearing until now. I’d never worn it before. I frowned at it, as if I could silently brow beat it into telling me how it managed to jump around my neck and into my hand without my knowing it.
"Why did you get this?" I asked, staring at the diamond heart necklace that lay inside the black box.
A slow smile broke out across Justin’s face as if he wasn't surprised by my reaction in the slightest. "That's the strangest thank you I've ever heard."
"Thank you." I said. "Now why did you get this?"
"Because every kiss begins with Kay."
"Commercial quoting, cute. But I know you didn't do this for a damn kiss. Now why did you get this?"
"If I said it was to show symbolically what you'd already done literally would you call me corny?"
"Depends. What is it symbolizing?"
"You've got my heart."
"In that case, yes, I would call you corny and rightfully so."
He shrugged. "Then it's just something to tell Janice. She might not think it's corny."
I stared at him for a moment, something about him seemed different. Less than confident, maybe. Something was off. Frowning at the diamond heart necklace, I sighed. "Did I hurt your feelings?"
He laughed softly. Shaking his head, he said, "Does it make a difference?"
"Would you call me soft if I said yes?"
He quietly considered it, his deep blue eyes locked on me all the while. "No."
"Then, yes, it does make a difference."
He smiled broad and easy and as horrible as it sounds I think just the sight of it actually warmed my heart. He opened his arms to me and I just stayed where I was standing, watching him. "Sugar Pie don't make me beg." he said, fingers wiggling at me encouraging me to come closer.
I did.
Pressing his lips gently against my temples, he said, "Maybe I did get it just for a damn kiss."
I must have gotten lost in my thoughts, because the next thing I heard was, “Fionna, who gave it to you?”
I played with the necklace a bit more, still trying to figure out when exactly I’d put it on. I couldn’t remember. With a defeated sigh, I said, “Justin.”
He nodded and sighed, like he knew that already and was hoping he was wrong. "I'm not as clueless as you may have thought I was. I noticed...things. Noticed the way he looks at you. The same way he looked at you when you were his. There are times when you look at him the same damn way. I didn't want to see it, so I mostly acted like I didn't. But I remember that necklace. Remember him asking me what I thought of it before he gave it to you. Remember that he was upset that you'd never worn it, but wasn't willing to say that to you. And now..." He pointed to it and as his hands drew nearer I got a funny feeling he was thinking about ripping it off. When I scooted away, just out of immediate reach, he smirked. I didn’t even know his polite mouth knew how to do a sarcastic grin.
"There it is. Around your neck. And you're frowning and thinking and I just can't help but think that you're thinking about him. And that makes me so..." He pushed out a long breath of air, shaking his head as he un-fisted his balling hands. "I didn't want to be the jealous guy. I didn't want to be the rebound guy. I've played those roles too many times." His emerald green eyes had been staring at the necklace, but now they stared into my eyes looking so lost with raw vulnerability, it made holding that eye contact hard as hell. "I like you. Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I could love you. Like I already do. And then there's times like this, when you're with me, but I know your mind is on him. And I know you're turning me into the two things I swore I wouldn't be again."
I couldn’t look at him anymore like this, but when I glanced down at my right hand it was still toying with that fucking necklace. Forcing my hand down into my lap, my mind raced to come up with a reason, an excuse, a something that would stop him from looking at me like I was the one to break his five-year old heart and tell him there was no Santa Claus after all.
"So what did he say when he gave it to you?"
Looking up from where I’d been staring at the floor, I watched him for a moment, before sighing. “He said…” I sighed again, my eyes wandering over to the screen. Meredith was in the middle of her ‘pick me, choose me, love me,’ speech. “I dunno, he said something about how I could wear his heart around my neck.”
“Sounds kind of gruesome.”
Laughing softly, I shook my head as I toyed with the necklace. “I thought so too. At first.”
“And now?” He frowned.
I pushed my frustration out in a sigh. “I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. You’re wearing it. You know.”
I knew I should have never worn this damn necklace. After I’d finally forced and wrestled my head and heart onto the same page I thought Justin was no longer going to be an issue. I thought I’d move on and Richard and I would be happy for however long that we were supposed to be happy. Was a little under two months all the Justin-free happiness we were supposed to get? All because of a necklace that I knew I should have given back to Justin so something like this could never happen.
All I wanted to do today was waste the day away watching Grey’s Anatomy and not so secretly drooling over McSteamy and pining away for McDreamy. But one itty bitty mistake made while getting dressed has managed to fuck that all up. I don’t even wear jewelry. Usually the only times that I did were when someone reminded me to.
“You’re doing it again.” She sighed, glaring at me.
“Doing what?”
“Humming that song.”
“It’s called ‘sugar pie, honey bunch.’ And yeah, I know I am.” I grinned.
She continued to stare me down with a hardened glare for a moment, before allowing a small smile to break the monotony of her frowning mouth. “So this is why you wanted to have lunch with me, Honey Bunch?”
“Honey Bunch?”
She didn’t bother to answer as she began to nibble on the remainder of her final lettuce wrap again.
“And no, it wasn’t.” I said, before brushing some extra lettuce wrap scrap off the corner of her mouth. Smiling as a frown immediately registered on her face from the simple contact, I added with a chuckle, “Bugging you is just a bonus, Sugar Pie.”
Or when I wanted to be reminded of someone. I stared down at the necklace, tracing the curve of the diamond heart. “He’s the Honey Bunch to my Sugar Pie. The Ogre to my Princess.”
Confusion rippled his brow. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Just admit that you’re shallow…deep as a thirsty raindrop.”
“I am not! I have layers…like an onion.”
“Hmmm.” I murmured. “Okay, Shrek, you have layers. Right.” I rolled my eyes at him.
A slow, cocky smile ambled across his confident face as he moved more into my space. “And if you’re nice, Princess, I’ll let you peel them off one…by…one.” He whispered, his warm breath tinkling my ear.
“Eww, see, I knew there was a good reason I didn’t like onions.” I retorted, nose wrinkled up in disgust. “And besides, have you ever heard of such a thing as sexual harassment?”
“You know you like it when I talk dirty to you.”
Sneering at him and taking a few large steps back, I replied, “Yeah, just as much I’d like to have a hunchback and starting tollin’ bells in Notre Dame.”
Without hesitation he began to pretend to be a hunchback, dragging one foot behind him as he said with a heavy lisp, “Do not ask for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that while I shook my head sadly at him. “You have got to be the weirdest, dorkiest cool person I know.”
“Why, I think that’s the first sorta compliment you paid me.” He drawled with a grin, before nudging me slightly. “Aww, I think I’m wearing you down.” He winked.
“Don’t take my momentary lapse into semi-niceness as some kind of victory.” I retorted, managing to suck all the amusement out of my face at that moment.
“Girl, shut up. You know you like me!” He said, still grinning as he bum-rushed me, pulling me into an unexpected hug. “We gotta watch our movie together sometime.” He added, playfully pinching me in the side. I assumed ‘our movie’ was Shrek, as I rubbed my side, fixing a glare on him. “But right now I gotta run so I can get this game in and be back in time to get Sadie and get ready for tonight. My momma will kick my ass if I’m late.” He continued, unfazed my annoyance.
“Well, in that case, what’s the rush? It’s not like there’s much of anything back there for her to be kickin’ anyways.” I laughed.
“You’ve been checkin’ out my ass again?” He asked, waggling his finger at me disapprovingly. “You know, Sugar Pie, there’s such a thing called sexual harassment, right?”
“It means…” Licking my lips, I hesitated. I glanced at him through a blurry gaze. Just when I was about to speak up again, Janice came bounding back down the stairs.
“I can’t do this, Fionna!” She cried, before plopping down on the couch between Richard and I with a huff, which normally might have ticked me off and caused me to immediately try to get rid of her, but this time, I couldn’t have been happier to see her Drama Queen ass.
“Can’t do what?”
“I can’t go on this date with Jon.” She sighed. “I just got off the phone with him and his breath…oh my god his breath, I swear I could smell it through the phone. It was so strong, it burned the hair right outta my ears.”
“Eww, you have hairy ears?” I laughed, trying to turn her head so I could see.
“No,” She snapped, frowning as she swatted at me. “I’m just saying. If I did, that’s what would have happened.”
“Well, seems to me, if you did your hairy ear-ed self should’ve been thanking him.”
“Fionna,” She whined, stretching my name out, as she kicked her feet. Lord, I hope this wasn’t the warm-up to one of her tantrums. “I can’t do this.”
“Then don’t.” Richard chimed in. We both turned towards him, as if we’d forgotten he was in the room with us. “You don’t want to go out with him, then don’t.”
“But she already said she would. Twice.”
“Three times actually,” She sighed. “That’s what he was calling about a minute ago ‘cause the second time I said, yes, but that I wasn’t sure if I’d have to work that night.”
I rolled my eyes at her. “Girl, you’ve got McDreamy. Don’t try to worm your way out of it.”
“But she doesn’t like him.”
“She doesn’t like his breath. Bring tic-tacs, gum, a gas mask”whateva. It’s McDreamy for Christ’s sake!”
She sighed and nodded. “He does look an awful lot like McDreamy. He’s so cute and nice and…”
Cutting her off, Richard said, “Okay, but is cute and nice good enough for you when you have to be within breathing range?”
Janice’s face scrunched up into thought and I threw my hands up in the air. Letting her think was never a good idea. “What is there to think about? It’s Mc-friggin’-Dreamy!”
Shaking her head at me, she giggled. “That isn’t good enough, silly.”
“Since when?” I frowned. “Since when is the man that’s cute and nice and smart and has a professional job, a well-paid I-went-to-college professional job not good enough?”
“I dunno.” She giggled with a lackadaisical shrug. “Nice, cute, smart, gainfully employed guys are great, but even if I could look past the stench of his breath…he just doesn’t do it for me.”
“So don’t go out with him then.” Richard said, seeming not to be able to see the bigger picture here.
Janice smiled, tickled by this whole turn in conversation. “It’s a good thing you were here, Richard. Your sensible-ness saved the day, or night. Whatever. Thanks!” She said, bounding back up the stairs. “Now if only your girlfriend could get some of your smarts.”
I rolled my eyes with a sigh, giving her the happy finger. She just smiled back before disappearing upstairs.
“Why are you taking this so personally?” He laughed.
“He was good for her, Richard. He made sense, but now since your ‘sensible-ness’ had to step in, now she’s probably up there canceling that date and trying to hook up with that weirdo lead singer of a no-name band.”
“You don’t know.” He shrugged. “That could work out. Their relationship and his career. What’s his name?”
“Jeremy or something stupid like that. And I wasn’t just being a smartass when I called his band ‘a no-name band.’ That’s what those freaks call themselves.”
“Seriously?” He chuckled, shaking his head.
“Yeah, they’re basically seriously retarded and you just got her to go with him when she had McDreamy waiting.”
“She didn’t have McDreamy. She had some dragon-breathed doctor who vaguely looked like McDreamy, if you only saw him in passing.”
“How would you know? You’ve only seen him in passing.”
“And how many times have you seen him?”
“…Once,” I frowned, before adding, “in passing.”
“See!” He laughed.
“But that’s besides the point.”
“I’m not even sure I know what the point is anymore.” He chuckled. “I still don’t get why you’re so worked up over this. It has to be something more going on that you’re just not telling me.”
I’d already told him everything. Everything except that when these dates were set up, Janice had conveniently described the two guys as Richard and Justin. The doctor was Richard with bad breath. The often serious, very polite, deep-thinking gentleman”the no-brainer husband material. Safe and predictable. While Jeremy, Jeremiah, whatever the hell his name is, was basically Justin without a shower or a shave in a few days. Goofy verging on the point of straight out retarded at times, in love with himself, but with sprinkles of adorably romantic moments. The wild card”when you thought he was going right, he might just turn left instead.
So she’d picked the smelly Justin over the bad breath Richard and suggested that I do the same. Of course I didn’t do the same, so I’ve been trying to convince her otherwise ever since. With the way she explained them to me, I felt like I had no choice but to try to get her to not pick Jeremiah. Otherwise I’d be letting her make a big mistake and if it came out that she were right then that would mean admitting that I’d made a big mistake.
And that’s just no fun.
“There’s nothing wrong with Jeremiah, if he remembers to bath and shave. I just liked McDreamy.”
“Okay, don’t tell me the real reason then.” He sighed and I smiled at him, glad that he knew me well enough to recognize when I was feeding him bullshit. “But you are going to finish that sentence you started earlier. About…”
Janice decided to skip back down the stairs at that moment. God, if she wasn’t like the little sister I never wanted, I could really grow to love her. It was times like this that made her long stories that started with ‘Oh my god! You won’t believe what just happened…’ almost bearable. Almost. “Jeremiah’s about to pick me up!” She smiled, doing a little happy dance over this.
“So soon?” I asked with a frown. “Didn’t you just call him?”
“Yeah, but he said he was around the corner visiting some people, so he’ll be here in a few.”
“Visiting some people, huh? Sounds like a stalker excuse to me.”
“Good stalkers are hard to find nowadays.” She giggled. In a matter of mere minutes, a series of car honks sounded. “That’s him! See y’all later.”
Trailing behind her happy bounce to the door, I said, “I thought you were into nice young men who came to the door to pick up their dates?”
“Chivalry is dead, Fionna. Welcome to the new millennium.”
It was times like these when I realized that we spent too much time together. The Janice I first met mind didn’t work this way. It was a lot easier to win arguments that way. “Hey, you don’t get to be snappy with me missy!”
Giggling, she nodded. “You’re right, there’s only room for one bitch in this relationship.”
“And don’t you forget that.” I smiled.
“Whatever, bye, silly. Don’t wait up.” She winked. “Bye Richy!”
She ran out the door, not even bothering to close it behind herself. She knew I hated when she called him that. I walked slowly to close the door and even slower back to where Richard was sitting in front of the TV. I was hoping that if I went slow enough he would forgot about asking me to answer that damn question.
“Alright, now that Janice is gone for the night. We can talk without interruptions.”
Well, so much for that fool-proof plan. “Oh, goodie.” I sighed, clapping my hands and rolling my eyes.
“Don’t be like that.” He laughed. “Just tell me what it means.”
Picking up the remote, I said, “Can’t we finish watching Grey’s?”
“After this.” When I poked my bottom lip out, he pushed it back in with a smile said, “After this.”
I sighed and sighed and sighed. Then paused and sighed some more. I glanced at him. He wasn’t amused or distracted. Damn.
“It means…” Sighing again, I closed my eyes. I stopped thinking and just started speaking, hoping that when the words found their way out of my mouth they would be the right ones. “It means, he made me play the jealous girlfriend role. We argued all the time. He dragged me to every party knowing full well I didn’t want to go. He made me look like a fool in front of Paris friggin’ Hilton. He got me to jump off a damn bridge with him. He kicked Martin’s ass. For me. Even when I was pushing him away. He stood up for me. It means...I notice him. The way a woman is supposed to notice a man. The way a soul is supposed to notice its mate. It means…” I paused, licking my lips and taking in a shaky breath but keeping my eyes closed because I definitely did not want to look at him before or while I said this, “I love him. Love the way he loves me. It means I’m in love with him. It means it’s time that I stop shutting out the good, just because I’m afraid of the bad that might come with it. It means he makes me feel like a bunch of Whitney Houston songs. He’s where my broken heart wants to go. I want to run to him. I have nothing, if I don’t have him. I believe in him and me. Now. Or I think could. Might possibly. Do.” I sighed, knowing there was only one song left. The scariest of them all. “I will always love him.”
Richard’s kind, hurting eyes were the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. I’d never wanted to take anything I’d said back more than in that moment. That moment when our eyes locked and it made everything I’d said real. Eyes closed it was if-y, I could pretend like I wasn’t really saying it to him, that this wasn’t really happening. Eyes open, it was too damn real. I had officially gutted his Santa Claus, the easter bunny, and the tooth fairy. I wanted to take everything back, but I knew it was too late for that.
“Did you hear how much corny shit just came out of my mouth? That was so corny, I should be banished to some corn field in Ohio. Clearly I've been brainwashed." Laughing softly at my lame joke, my eyes falling away from Richard to stare at my feet. I really wished my feet were good feet and would get me out of this as soon as possible. But they were lazy feet, so I was stuck. "You're not the rebound guy. I wanted you, before I ever really knew that I wanted him too. I-I’m sorry, but...”
Cutting me off, he smiled softly, faintly and said,“He’s the somebody that you wanna dance with?”
“I thought you don’t dance.” He said, leaning in so close that I could smell his cologne, so close that his lips brushed my ear at the end of every other syllable.
Everything she does is beautiful
“I don’t.” I frowned at him, watching as Richard said something that I guess was excusing him from this conversation and then proceeded to stroll away. “This isn’t dancing. It’s shuffling awkwardly to the beat.”
Everything she does is right
“You see that! You see what you did!” I cried, hitting him over and over and over in the same spot on his damn ripped stomach, which meant I should probably hit him harder to make it really hurt. “Are you confused or something? Because I think are you. You see we came up with this deal. We date each other to get each other’s friends. My friend is Janice, the pretty blonde who you walked away from to keep me from your friend, Richard, the handsome black Brian Austin Green…”
Cause it’s you and me
He didn’t say anything for awhile”just stood there smiling at me. “Brian Austin Green?” he laughed. “If that’s who you think he looks like then maybe it’s a good thing that I stepped in when I did.”
“You’re hilarious, but I’d probably find this even more funny if you weren’t standing here saying it to me.”
“Then how would you know that it was so funny if you couldn’t hear me say it?”
Dense and annoying…qualities that have gotten people killed since the beginning of time. “In other words, leave.”
“Then you’d be standing by yourself in the middle of the floor.”
“Brilliant deduction skills there, Sherlock. But why would I want that because standing with you in the middle of the floor is so much more appealing, right?” I said, rolling my eyes, before I started to head off in search of the one who’d gotten away.
And all of the people
With nothing to do
When he didn’t say anything in response I took that as a sign that I could leave without much hassle. Apparently that was wrong.
“Dance with me.” He said, holding onto my wrist now. “Please.”
Scanning the crowd, which had grown, I couldn’t see which way Richard had gone off to. “Go dance with Janice.”
Nothing to lose
He didn’t say anything for a long while, so I made a move to leave again. Only there was one small problem, he was still holding onto my wrist. Staring at his grip on my arm, I said, “You can let go now.”
“Does that mean you’ll dance with me?”
“Are you deaf or just dumb?”
He smiled and shrugged. “I’m whatever you want me to be, baby.”
“Well, I want you to be gone…yet, here you are.” I said, gesturing to the fact that he was indeed still standing there. “Still holding onto me.”
“Do you want me to hold you closer? Is that why you’re so cranky?”
And before I could say yay or nay (take a wild guess which one it would have been), he pulled me flush against him. My hand landing on the opened part of his shirt, skimming his smooth tanned skin that was glistening in a light layer of sweat.
“You’re sweating.” I said, feeling dumb the moment that came out.
But he seemed not to care that I’d just had a Captain Obvious moment and missed his opportunity to make fun of me when he instead just shrugged as his arms wrapped around my waist. “That’s what hot people do.”
Trying to ignore that fact that I’d enjoyed the flexing of the muscles in his arms as my hands moved up to his shoulders, I said. “Your modesty is astounding.”
And it's you and me
We stayed like this for a half song. With me in his arms, we swayed slowly to the beat even though it was an up-tempo song that had everyone around us getting damn near biblical on the floor. But being there with my arms around him, my head on his shoulder, a finger or two playing in his short curls I had to admit, this wasn’t the hell I had thought it was going to be.
And all of the people
And I don't know why
But he wasn’t Richard and I didn’t come here and agree to this stupid deal to be standing here dancing with Justin. Yet for those few minutes, he’d completely distracted me. The bastard.
“You know this isn’t a slow song right?” I said, feeling the need to put some distant between us as I pulled back just enough to stare into his baby blues.
I can't keep my eyes off of you
He didn’t say anything for while, he just watched me and continued to keep us swaying. After awhile a small smile cracked the corners of his lips. “I know,” he finally said with a nod. “But dancing slow with you felt right. What’s the rush when we got all night?”
I smiled softly. “I actually wasn’t going to use that song. But yeah, he is.”
Richard just nodded. There was a slight glistening to his eyes, but he smiled through it. “Well, as Whitney once said…”
“Oh, hell, no!”
He laughed and the sound eased some of the tension in my chest. “No, pre-crack, pre-cracked out reality TV show. She said, ‘Sometimes you’ll laugh and sometimes you’ll cry. Life never tells us the when’s or why’s…’”
“When yoooou got friends,” I sang, joining my voice with his. We sang together. “To wish you well. You’ll find your point when you when you will exhale. Say, shoop, shoop, shoop. Shoop be doop, shoop, shoop.”
We wound up singing the second verse first and the first verse second and completely forgetting the rest of the song, while we did a silly little swaying, rocking our arms and bodies dance to the ‘shoops.’ All in all, it was pretty strange. We went from me admitting my feelings for his best friend to us singing and dancing. I’ve been lucky enough not to have had the misfortune of breaking up with someone very many times in life”also attributed to the fact that I haven’t had very many relationships either. But that’s beside the point, the point is, I don’t think this is how a break up is supposed to go. One of us should be angry or in tears, or…something. Something other than singing and dancing to a Whitney Houston song we’re butchering together.
But I guess typical break-ups come with a typical boy meets girl relationship that doesn’t involving scheming and deals. Oh, well. I like it this way better.
I’d stopped singing when he stopped dancing. He stopped singing when I’d stopped dancing.
Then there was silence. The awkward, feet shuffling, wish you weren’t there silence.
We both took in a deep breath of air at the time and released it slowly. Then realizing we’d had a waiting to exhale moment of our own, we laughed.
He opened his arms and I went to him, into his arms. Those large warm arms squeezed me tight against him. I didn’t resist it, just leaned into him more, my face nuzzling into the nook of his shoulder and chin. I felt his chest raise as he took in another deep breath, felt him push it out with a sigh. His hands, which were big enough to easily palm a basketball, played in my hair for a moment, before he said, “If you tell anyone that you broke up with me and I started singing and dancing to Whitney Houston songs, those pictures I took of you early in the morning. With drool and the works”will find their way to the information super highway.”
“There were times when I wondered how you could be friends with Justin. You just seem too nice to be such a good friend of his. Then there’s times like this when it makes perfect sense.” I grinned, pulling away from him to look into his gorgeous emerald green eyes.
He was smiling too, but it didn’t reach those green eyes of his.
I bit my lip, chewing on it and dropped my gaze from his. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I think you do.” When I didn’t say or do anything, he shook his head. “Please don’t tell me we just broke up for you turn into chicken shit on me.”
A small smile skipped across my face. “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Did Justin teach you that potty language?”
The grin that had been working its way onto his lips, fell at the direct mention of Justin. “Go get your Honey Bunch, Sugar Pie.”
My feet felt like they were super-glued in place. All I could do was stand there and stare at him, hoping that someday he would forgive me for doing this to him.
“Don’t give me the doe eyes. I’m trying to be a man about this. So don’t give me the doe eyes.” He sighed, grabbing his coat. “Look, don’t worry about me. If I have to, I’ll curl up to the millions I’m gonna get from the deal I just signed with Nike to keep me warm at night.”
Shaking my head with a soft laugh, I smiled. “You’re something else, Richard.”
“And you want someone else.” The glistening was back in the corners of his eyes, he swiped at it and tried to put another smile on, before walking to the door.
“You know you don’t have to put on this act for me.”
“It’s not for you. It’s for me. It’s how I deal. Now go to him. I might not have been smart enough to know that this moment was coming, but I know you’re stalling.” He said, pulling the door open. “So you don’t need to waste your time standing here trying to think up any ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speeches about how any woman would love to be with me because I’m such a nice guy…blah, blah. I know. So go.” He swiped at his eyes again, half-way out the door now. “Please. I might start singing again if I thought that would chase you outta here, but I’m not looking to make another embarrassing moment.”
I opened my mouth, then shut it without saying a word. I nodded.
The barest hint of a smile curled his lips for a moment as he watched me. His chest rose and fell with a heavy sigh before he nodded, forcing another smile. “Good.” He said, strolling out the door.
I watched him until he got into his car, until he pulled out of the driveway, until he drove out of the line of my horizon. I stood in the doorway, staring at out my neighbors. Mrs. Gersher glared at me as she snatched up her newspaper. She waggled it at me. I knew she wasn’t being friendly and waving, so I waved with a smile on my face.
If I hadn’t become like one of those girls I always hated in the novels and shows and movies who have two fabulous men to choose from and made me wonder what the hell was so great about her, then I would have turned into Mrs. Gersher for sure. The grumpy, pissed off at the world neighbor who everybody thought was waving when really she was telling them to go to hell.
It was about time for me to get my own smelly boy back.
I am color
Trying to make things right.
...blind
It's never been something that has come easy to me. Simply saying I'm sorry would be easy. But even that I couldn't bring myself to do. Not after all the hurtful things I'd said when I'd only been desperate to push him away before he had the chance to do it to me first.
Coffee black and egg white
I'm not the apologizing type.
Pull me out from inside
I'm more of the ‘You’ll get over it' as I walk away type. More of the 'Aww that sucks' but truly just don't give a fuck. Or at least that was way it appeared. That was the way I liked it. Less emotional. Less messy. Less...
Just less.
He makes me want more.
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am
And that, my friends, is what brings me to exhibit A in Love Vs. Fionna Mackenzie Houston. It was raining. Okay that was an understatement. It was pouring; the sky had opened up and was in the process of hurling huge buckets of rain down onto my head. I was sure this was all just for me too. Just God’s way of asking me if I was sure about what I was doing. After all I was the one standing outside of a man’s house, sick of love, sick with love...soon to be sick from pneumonia due to my lack of umbrella. But he was my cure. As horribly disgusting as that sounds, I knew he was it.
And I wanted to be well again.
Taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
So I was standing there. Waiting. I’d rung the doorbell repeatedly. I saw the lights. Heard the voices from within and that was when the genius in me noticed the extra car in the driveway. He has got company.
The bastard has company.
Pull me out from inside
Probably some long smooth legged, slim waisted, super model faced company.
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
Which brought me to exhibit B in Love Vs. Fionna Mackenzie Houston. I knew this. In my heart of hearts, I knew there was another woman inside. I hadn’t decided yet whether this woman was fully clothed still. But I knew she was there.
And here I was.
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Out in the rain. Soaking from head to toe. Waiting. For him.
I don’t do this.
Pull me out from inside
He should know I don’t do this. I’d like to consider myself as a person who’s not very vain. But my hair is something I worry about...often. It was the nature of the beast though. Rain (or moisture in general) + my hair = instant headache.
Didn’t he know what a black woman standing out in the rain for you, hair completely unprotected from the elements means? Did I really have to spell it out for him? Or maybe the better question is…did he even care?
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am
But here I stood. Waiting for him. I rung the doorbell again, this time taking a step back. Another minute passed in the silence of a wondering heart, whirling brain, and pelting rain. Rung the bell again. Two steps back. Another minute, another doubt closer to coming true.
Colorblind
One last ring.
I saw shadows now, moving about in front of the front windows. They were probably watching me, laughing at my stupidity undoubtedly.
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
Exhibit C in Love Vs. Fionna Mackenzie Houston. I knew I was looking like a fool and I didn’t care.
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
Two minutes have passed since my last ring. Three steps have been taken back. I was close to retreating. My teeth were clattering so fast and hard now that I was sure to the common passerby that I looked like I have Parkinsons disease. But I was too young for that.
And too old for this.
Five minutes after my last ring and I was ten steps back. One step to go to my car. To my defeat. To my failure.
I am...fine
Exhibit D in Love Vs. Fionna Mackenzie Houston. My eyes started the beginning of their own downpour, with the opening of its own cloud.
Six minutes. One step taken back. Car door within reach. Eyes still focused on the door of the house of my cure. The locked door.
Six minutes, forty-four seconds. Car door opened, slipping inside. Eyes wandering between the locked house door and the ignition with the key dangling from its mouth.
Six minutes, fifty-five seconds. Car door closed. Eyes on road.
Seven minutes, three seconds.
I am.... fine
Exhibit E in Love Vs. Fionna Mackenzie Houston. I couldn’t start my car.
Not because it won’t, because I won’t.
Nine minutes, twenty five seconds. The verdict was in…on the charge of love suicide, we the jury find Fionna Houston...
Hopelessly guilty.
I am fine
___________________________________________________
This chapter featured: Counting Crows “Colorblind”
Oh and a little bit of Lifehouse “You & Me” because of that memory part.
