“When life hands me lemons, I make beef stew.”
”Andy Milonakis
I know what you’re thinking…
Okay actually I have no idea what you’re thinking, I’ve just always wanted to say that. Or be a psychic. Or a woman. Oh lord, that’s where those cross dressing rumours are coming from aren’t they? I meant being a woman in the sense of having their ability to read minds, or mess with them at least with their Jedi mind tricks.
Women.
That’s the reason I’m in this mess in the first place. I don’t know what made me do this. I wasn’t really planning on it, it just kind of happened. But I’d gladly do it again to see that look of utter shock on Fionna’s face. It was priceless. It took all I had not to laugh.
And now that I’d gotten myself into this, I figured I should do it right, because who knows…it could work. Miracles happen everyday right? So why couldn’t it happen for me? I think I’m due for one anyways. Not that there’s a miracle waiting list that I’ve been on since the fourth grade when I used to pee in my pants when I got really excited or nervous and I used to pray every day and every night that God would have mercy on me and either kill me or find a way to make diapers that would fit me without making the little giveaway squeaky diaper noises that would cause me to go back to wanting that first option.
"Okay if we're going to be a believable couple we gotta practice." I said, standing in my TV room, pacing next to the couch where Fionna was sitting. "It's gotta look natural." I continued, pacing slightly. "Cause if it doesn't Janice will become suspicious."
Hearing the sound of her sudden laughter, I frowned and turned to face her”finding her completely relaxed and lounging on the couch, flipping channels on the TV while munching on some chips. No sooner had I clicked the TV off did she finally give me the attention she should have been giving me all along.
"Hey, I was watching that!" she cried, with a deep frown.
"You're not over here to watch TV and have fun."
Sighing loudly, she forced her recumbent posture into a more upright position. "God forbid I have some fun."
“You can have fun on your own time.” I smiled. "Did you hear anything I'd said?"
"Nope." she said nonchalantly, a yawn punctuating her sentence.
"Okay, well I was talkin’ about how we've gotta practice being a couple so that when we do it in public it looks natural and not so premeditated."
Rolling her eyes, she said, "Practice acting natural?"
"Yeah, it's gotta look real. From the moment we're out in the public together it's gotta be Justin and Fionna, the couple."
She groaned at that. "Oy ve! Does this mean I gotta...hug you." She shuddered at the thought and if it had of been anyone else I probably would have been insulted.
"Yeah,” I nodded, before adding, “hug, kiss...be nice. All that good stuff."
"Kiss?" The word slid off her tongue like the vilest of vile things. "Oh see now you done gone too far…I am not kissing you!"
Laughing at her outburst, I said, "Relax, it's not like it's going to be a stroll in the dark for me either."
"Stroll in the dark?" She laughed. "You mean, walk in the park."
"Yeah, whatever. You know what I meant, the point is…it's not going to be easy or fun for me."
I waited for her to speak up, either by saying something random, something rude, or something. The girl seemed to always have something to say.
"So do we gotta practice staring longingly into each other eyes?" she asked, batting her lashes at me before rolling her eyes with a laugh.
"Yeah,” I smiled. I hadn’t that about that but… “sure." I shrugged.
"Really?” Her nose scrunched up at the thought. “I was joking."
"I mean, that's what couples do so..."
Pushing out another long breath of air, a pout took root on her face as she grumbled, "I don't like being your girlfriend."
"It's only been a few hours." I laughed.
"Yeah and what does that say about you as a boyfriend?" she grinned at my momentary frown.
"Aww, Sugar Pie...you know you love me." I teased, grabbing her to kiss her cheek. She immediately began to squirm, trying desperately to wiggle out of my grasp”and she almost did, not because she was stronger than me or anything. Girl-giraffe or not, I was still a man. But she looked so silly, so cute, when she was squirming around like she didn’t want me to kiss her that it was making me laugh. "Don't fight it, baby. A love like this only comes once in a lifetime."
“So does chicken pox...” She said, still squirming but before she could finish her sentence I’d finally managed to plant a soft kiss to her chin, the only thing my lips could reach.
"Ewwww!!" She shrieked, leaping to her feet as my little kiss was a repellant of some kind. "I've got to take a lava bath now and cleanse my skin."
"Lava bath?" I laughed at her ridiculousness.
"Yes, molten lava. What, you don't think would be strong enough?" she asked, looking genuinely worried.
"Shut up!" I laughed again, trying to laugh off the fact that maybe she really just didn’t like my kiss after all. Not that I’d really gotten to show what I could do. I mean, she can’t seriously judge my skills off of that, right? Besides how many times does a girl like Fionna get kissed, to really have anything to compare it to anyways? "You can't act like this every time I show you affection." I finally added.
"I know, I know." She groaned; her hand still occasionally swiping at her chin. "I just have to get used to this."
Pushing past the fact that her continuing to try to wipe my kiss off was bugging me, I just smiled instead and said sweetly, "Hence why we must practice, sweetheart."
"Sweetheart?” she frowned. “Wasn't Sugar Pie horrible enough?"
Laughing, I genuinely smiled at her this time, realizing just how much fun it was going to be torture her through this ‘relationship.’ "I like to give my girl an array of little pet names. Keeps the spice in the relationship." I winked.
Rolling her eyes at me, she muttered, "If spice means Pepto-Bismol, causing the stomach to churn to the point of vomiting…sure. I can believe that."
"You know,” I started, my smile growing as her frown deepened the more chipper I became about all this. “you really got to work on that negative attitude."
"Negative attitude?" She scoffed. "I don't know what you're talking about. Back in high school I was voted Miss Congeniality two years in a row!"
Unimpressed by her fake happy demeanor, I said, "And the lying has got to stop too. I can’t have my woman being some pessimistic pathological liar."
"Your woman? Don’t insult me. I ain't your woman." She said, arms crossed.
"Maybe not in a regular sense of the word, but technically now you are and that still doesn’t change the fact that you are also a pessimistic pathological liar in need of a major attitude adjustment."
With a small pout, she added softly, "You never complained about my attitude before."
"And why should I have? You were just my friend before. It's different now."
"First of all, I was never a friend of yours. And second of all, how is it suddenly so different?"
"What do you mean, you weren't my friend? We had lunch together almost everyday and nicknames, girl. I don’t be giving out nicknames to folks all willy-nilly like. Didn't that mean anything to you?"
Throwing her head back with her rolling laughter, she caught her breath long enough to say, "Is this your way of telling me that I'm going to have to be the man in this relationship?"
"Whatever, listen,” I said, getting serious, since she had this uncanny ability to take the fun out of everything. “this is what's going to have to happen."
"Okay, tell me how it's going to go down. Don't ask me. Why would you ask me? I'm just a girl after all, what would I know anyways, right?" she finished, with a roll of her eyes.
Groaning, I said,"Don't get all Gwen Stefani, whiny feminist on me. And if you have an idea feel free to tell me."
"Oh thank you, Massa! I's gots some idears, too. Yes’um. Some real nice ones. Mmhmm." She nodded head eagerly, her eyes never raising to meet mine.
"Cut the race shit too." I said, rolling my eyes at her. "You know this has nothing to do with that."
Leaning back into the cough again, she sighed, "Alright, whatever, just get to what you were goin’ to say."
"Okay, I was going to say..." I trailed off, trying to remember but absolutely nothing coming to me. "Damn, I forgot what I was going to say because of you."
"My looks are so distracting that I got your little woddle mind all frazzled.” She smiled, giving me the baby voice. “Yes, I do, yes, I do."
"Don't take that as a compliment though." I laughed.
"Fuck you!" She spat, tossing pillow at me with a lop-sided half smirk.
In an attempt to defend myself, I grabbed another throw pillow and proceeded to wallop her over the head with it repeatedly, until she grabbed a second one and managed to overpower me and knock me to the floor. Not that she’s stronger than me or anything, she just had the numbers in her favor at that moment. But I was quick to turn the tables and grabbing another for myself, I began to wind mill pummel attack, which of course left her crumpled on the floor and defenseless.
Looming over her I said, “Beg for mercy and I’ll let you go easy.”
Always the defiant one, she proclaimed, “Nunca!”
“What?” I frowned.
"Never, estupido." She said rolling her eyes at my Spanish stupidity as she closed her eyes preparing herself for the blow that was signal my inevitable victory.
But I didn’t hit her again, that was too predictable. Instead I leaned over her, my lips lingering dangerously close to hers.
She must have sensed that something was up, because she suddenly opened her eyes, gasping at my closeness, her body tensed, but I didn't pull away. I was enjoying the moment too much for that.
Our eyes are locked for several seconds as she didn’t move and didn’t move”both of us barely breathing. Just as my lips tenderly brushed against hers the phone rang and even though I tried to ignore it, its continued ringing was too annoying to be ignored. So I pulled away, hopping quickly to my feet, I answered the phone, taking it into another room to talk.
“Tell your dad if he calls my place one more time, I’m gonna go over to his place, like he’s been beggin’ me to, but not to give up the booty like he wants. But to break my foot off in his…”
“Mom?”
“Yeah,” She laughed. “Who did you think it was?”
“I dunno. I get a lot of weirdo calls.”
“Oh, so you’re saying that I’m a weirdo?”
If the shoe fits. “Nah, no of course not, Ma.”
Laughing, she said, “Whateva. So how have you been? Feels like I haven’t talked to you in forever.”
“In forever? We talked just yesterday.”
“Well, that was yesterday. What have you been doing today?”
Practicing being in love with a woman that can barely stand me to get her friend. “Nothing.” I said.
“You sound guilty. What have you really been doing? And when are you going to ask out that pretty Jenny? I’m not getting any younger, ya know and I’d like to have grandbabies before I’m wearing diapers again.”
“Her name is Janice.” I corrected her. She seemed to never be able to remember Janice’s name. “And I’m working on it.”
“Well, what’s there to work on? Just holler at her, isn’t that what y’all kids do nowadays?”
“Holler?” I laughed. “Yeah, I’ll holler at her.”
“Are you making fun of me, boy?” She threatened, even though that didn’t sound like a threat”believe me it was.
“No, ma’am.”
“That’s better. Now I don’t have all day to stay on this phone, I got a date with this lil’ cutie.”
“Please tell me that lil is in reference to his height.”
Laughing, she said, “Younger man, slightly older woman ain’t not big deal anymore. Look at Demi and Ashton. An-an-and, I dunno, boy…but there’s a lot. So don’t be percolatin’.”
“Percolatin’? What are you talking about? You mean, don’t hate?” I laughed. “Lord, Ma, quit before you hurt yourself.”
“I know you aren’t making fun of me again? Cause right after I finish beating your horny ass father down, I’ll make a special trip over your place to do you the same.”
“I’m sorry. You know I was just playing, Ma.”
“Uh-huh. I gotta go, I’ll talk to you later.”
Yay, I can’t wait! I thought, rolling my eyes. “Okay, bye.” I said, hanging up the phone and walking back into the other room, where I’d left Fionna. I was getting ready to apologize to her for taking so long on the phone, but I didn’t even get to start before I nearly killed myself from tripping over her. She was still laying on the floor, in the same damn place I left her.
"And imagine what my kiss would have done to you if I hadn't been interrupted." I laughed, shaking my head.
"Don't flatter yourself. I was just laying here pondering how my life had come to this." She snapped, looking disgustedly at me, while swiping at her mouth as if to wipe away my kiss.
"You know you want me." I winked.
She just grumbled as she walked past me, careful to not brush against me as she expertly maneuvered to the bathroom, where I could hear her gurgling some mouthwash a couple of times. When she finally came back, she headed in a straight line shot for the door.
"Where are you going?" I asked, hopping up in front of her.
Frowning, she crossed her arms in front of her chest”giving off big ‘back off’ vibes. "Home."
I smiled at her, hoping my relaxed stance would relax her defensive one. "I thought you were going to stay here for the night, so then Janice would see how much in love we are." I laughed at the last part.
“Well,” She breathed out in huff, dropping her arms to her side, before shrugging. "I just realized I forgot my toothbrush."
"Oh, don't worry, I got extra in the hall closet."
"Well..." She trailed off so long, I could tell she was fumbling for an excuse. Did little ol’ innocent, sweet me make her nervous? I thought smirking.
"We still have a lot of practicing to do." I reminded her, touching her arm to test how nervous she was around me now.
Tensing at my touch, she backed away from me. "How much more do we have to do? Have sex?"
Laughing at her petrified expression, I shook my head. "No." After watching her visibly relax, I added, "Not yet."
“Boy, hush! You play too much.” She laughed nervously. “You are joking, right?”
I just chuckled, walking away as I headed up the stairs.
”Right?” She asked again, tentatively following behind me.
I stared at the waves lapping onto the shore. I wasn’t a surfer by any definition. I wasn’t even a very good swimmer. I told Justin this, but did that stop him from pushing for his surfing day with Janice and Richard? Of course not.
And besides the possibility of dying, I was forced to walk around on in a bikini around Richard. Was Justin trying to sabotage my chances with Richard? Or was his mind so focused on having his Bay Watch fantasy fulfilled with Janice, that he didn’t care that I might not be exactly confident wearing two little patches of cloth over my boobs and little bottoms which were steadily inching up my ass?
How lovely would that be if Richard caught me digging out a wedgie?
Not that I had a chance to fully strut around in all my awkward glory, what with Justin constantly smothering me in all this ‘affection’”doing all the ‘sweet’ things boyfriends do.
Shit, here comes Mr. Hands right now. Dammit, smile. Remember to smile. If I smiled anymore though my cheeks were going to start hurting. Smiling this much isn’t natural.
Coming up behind me and wrapping me in his arms, I jumped slightly still not used to this ‘affection’ thing and forcing myself to resist the nearly insatiable urge I had every time he did that to clock him or at least elbow him one good time. And if it wasn’t bad enough that he was constantly invading my space, he just had to go and give me little kisses just behind my ears, causing me to always swat at his lips while I tried not to grimace too much.
Laughing at me as I swatted at his loose lips again, he said, “Stop frowning.”
“Stop molesting me.” I said, through gritted teeth as I forced my lips back into an upward position.
“You wish I would molest you, Sugar Pie.” He whispered into my ear, before nibbling on my earlobe slightly.
Smiling for Janice and Richard’s benefit, I grabbed his ear as discreetly as possible and hissed, “If you like living, I suggest you never do that again.” Twisting his ear, I added, “Okay, Honey Bunch?” I grinned, broadly and genuinely this time.
He rubbed his Dumbo ears and pouted at me, but even that minor attack wasn’t good enough to stop Mr. Hands. Re-wrapping his arms around me, giving me a small squeeze this time, he kissed behind my ear again and said, “Be nice. You love me, remember?”
“Yeah, yeah.” I grumbled, rolling my eyes. “I think it’s overwhelmingly obvious how much I love you.” I smiled at him, making myself kiss him on the cheek without gagging as I gingerly held his hand, linking our fingers together. “I mean, I haven’t killed you yet.”
Grinning, he laughed. “Yeah, baby, you’re too good to me.”
“I know. But you’re just so cute, I can’t help it.” I added, louder than I’d been speaking, for Janice’s sake.
“I know you’re glad that you get to spend some quality time with your woman or whatever.” Richard finally spoke up, looking bored with the situation. “cause shooting was canceled today, but did we come here to surf or to watch your sickening sweet bantering flirtation?”
Oh, is he jealous? Already?
Laughing, Justin said, “You’re just jealous because you don’t have a girl to spend time with.”
“Oh yeah, I’m so jealous right now that I’m green.” Richard retorted, rolling his eyes. “No offense, Fionna.”
Of course he wasn’t jealous. I thought, adjusting my boobs in my top while wiggling my booty in an attempt to dislodge my wedgie. Fuck being cute. I thought, going ahead and picking it out”blushing as I made eye contact with Richard the very moment I’d gotten it out. Figures.
Pushing my tired lips into another grin, I decided since I already made a somewhat fool of myself, why not go for the gold?!
“I’m so totally stoked, dude! I can’t wait to catch some gnarly waves. That would be, like, so totally rad!” I cried, putting on my best Surfer Dude voice.
“Yeah, it’ll be frickin’ awesome, dude!” Janice jokingly chimed in. Until she spoke up, I’d nearly forgotten she was here. Although I don’t know how I did, since damn near every man at the beach had nearly tripped over themselves, killing themselves to get a glance at her or help her with…anything. Including my dear fake boyfriend, Justin and worst of all”my Richard.
She was the reason I was even wearing this damn bikini in the first place. I would have just worn a simple one-piece bathing suit. I would have been comfortable then, but nooo Janice wasn’t having that.
I had to be sexy, she’d said. I had to show some skin, she’d said. I had to stop hiding my ‘hot’ body from the world, she’d said.
Clearly she’s trying to sabotage me too.
“Sweet!” We cried in unison, clapping hands.
“Et tu, Janice?” Justin laughed, shaking his head at the two of us. “I guess my girl’s enthusiasm is contagious.” He added, coming up to me again. His damn arms again wrapping around my waist. His damn lips kissing my shoulder before resting his head on it.
“As herpes.” I muttered, resting my hands over his to keep from hitting him.
Chuckling, he seemed to think I was joking as he said, “Well, even the people who have herpes are still happy, skippin’ through meadows, bikin’ and shit. At least they are in the commercials.”
“Maybe that’s the key to happiness.” Richard said, grinning that beautifully perfect Colgate grin of his.
“What is? Herpes?” Janice asked, confused. That seemed to be her constant state lately, actually now that I think about it, it’s probably her most frequent state in general.
“Yeah, sure.” Richard shrugged with a lop-sided grin. “Hello, world, there's a song that we're singin'…c’mon get herpes!” He sang to the tune of The Partridge Family’s “C’mon, Get Happy.” “A whole lotta lovin' is what we'll be bringin’…we’ll give you herpes! Everybody sing.” He dorkily encouraged us with a smile.
And so we did. It was ‘c’mon get herpes’ all the way down the beach, until finally ending our song when we heard a bright-eyed two year old who’d been clapping along and giggling at our little song turn to who I could only guess was his mom and ask innocently, “What’s her-pies?”
