Justin stood in the lobby of the Los Angeles Rehabilitation Center, trying to concentrate on what his mother was saying to him. He glanced around the crowded lobby that was full of people, only a select few of them being his friends and family. He wanted to only see one face, one soft, sweet, gorgeous face. But he didn't. Every time he heard the gust of wind that accompanied the opening of the door, his head shot to the side. But every time, he was disappointed.
She probably wouldn't come, why would she want to? Every corner that she turned, turned out to be nothing by lies and despair and Justin was mostly at the source. He sighed inwardly, putting his hands in the pockets of his black slacks and returning his blue eyes on his mother. He smiled softly as his mother spoke to Lois, who had now joined them. He was nervous, but the feeling of his mothers arm around his waist and her hand on his chest calmed his spirits. He could feel that she was proud of him again and that felt better than almost anything else that he had achieved with his sobriety.
He then tuned out of the conversation again and looked around the large lobby. Over in the corner, he saw a young boy, probably nineteen or twenty, with his arms crossed over his chest. Justin has seen him once or twice before but he knew what his demon was. As Justin took in the boys appearance, it was hard for him to believe that he was in that same position literally months ago. His eyes then glided around the room at his small party. It was them. They were the reason that he decided to change and they were the only ones who wanted him to get better. They didn't want him to get better so he could get his career back or his million dollar friends. They wanted him to get better because they loved him and he had lost sight of that.
He then landed on Trace and his chest tightened immediately. As Trace stood talking to Paul, Justin's mind began to replay some of the not so nice memories of he and Trace. The harsh and angry, violent words that Justin had spewed at his life long friend. Berating him, yelling and screaming like a child to get what he wanted from Trace. And still, after all of that, Trace was there, watching him graduate. If only Justin could be the same kind of friend to Trace that Trace was to him in his time of need. But he was determined to make it up to him. He knew it would take months, years, even decades, but he would do it. Because he believed in Trace and he wanted Trace to believe in him.
And Dionne. His little, sweet baby girl. He had always loved children and he had often dreamed about starting a little army with Chione. It was supposed to be prefect, just like in the movies. He, going to all of the doctors appointments, waking up in the middle of the night to get Chione food, rubbing her back as she complained of discomfort. And then kissing her softly and whispering words of encouragement as she gave birth to their first child. Justin and Chione were supposed to smile through their tears as they gawked at their new baby girl.
But none of that happened.
Instead, he was laid up in some dark alley, shooting that poisonous liquid into his veins or snorting it up his nose while Chione sat in the hospital alone. He would be in a drunken stupor as Chione was feeding and rocking their beautiful baby to sleep at night. He didn't want Dionne to see any of this, to know that she was created by a man who would choose a white substance over her. Justin didn't want her to find out that he didn't even know her name for the first eight months of her life. She was everything good about him and he would nurture and protect her for the rest of his days; keeping her safe from the very thing that took him away from her.
"Justin? Are you okay baby?" Lynn said, tightening her grip around his waist a little to get his attention.
"Oh, yeah I'm fine. I'm gonna go to the bathroom okay ma?"
"Okay baby."
Justin excused himself from the ladies and made a quick B-line to the bathroom, smiling and acknowledging Trace and Paul. Once he pushed through the bathroom door, he locked it and walked over to the sink. He placed his hands on either side of the porcelain and stared at himself in the mirror. His breath began to quicken as he continued to look at himself in the glass. He closed his eyes and tried to control his body but nothing was working. His palms became cold and clammy as he stood up straight and backed away from the sink, shaking them out as he moved.
He wiped at his forehead as the hot tears began to sting at the back of his eyes and he ran his hand through his hair. He slammed his eyes shut and tried to rid his brain of the thoughts that he used to have. That one little fix would make him feel better, just one hit. He had his phone, it was right in his pocket and the number of Havier popped into his after months of trying to rid it for good.
His nose began to itch as he slammed his back against the wall, he could taste it, "I can't do this, I can't do this." He whispered over and over again, trying to convince himself that he hadn't changed, that he was still the same drug addict.
He dug into his pocket and whipped out his phone, sliding it open and dialing the number quickly. It rang three times and then his dealer picked up, "Ello?"
"Havier? It's Justin."
"You mean like, Justin Justin? Like, rich ass Justin?"
"Yeah, it's me." Justin said, sliding down to the floor and running his hand up and down his pants to rid it of the sweat.
"I haven't heard from you in a long time man, where you been?" His thick accented voice said.
"Just... around. Listen, I need some man, I'm... I'm freaking out right now and i just need some."
"Aight man, how much poppi?"
"Just a hit, one hit, that's it."
Just then, loud pounding invaded the small space of the bathroom, "Justin?" Trace called out.
"Yeah, just um, wait just a second," Justin called to Trace, returning his attention to the phone, "I'm at the Los Angeles Rehabilitation Center okay? Just come in, go to the bathroom and knock three times okay? Do you hear me? Havier?"
But the line was dead.
Justin cursed loudly as he looked down at his phone. No bars. He cursed again as he frantically redialed the number, tears beginning to stream down his face as his phone beeped at him, telling him that he had no service.
"Don't do this to me, don't!" He screamed as he through the phone into the opposite wall and watching it smash into pieces.
He placed his hands on either side of his head and rocked slowly as he continued to cry. Trace continued to beat on the door, trying to get Justin to open up but not wanting to alert to anyone that anything was wrong. When he didn't receive and answer and all he could hear was Justin's sobs, he moved away from the door and went to find someone who could open the door. After a few minutes of searching, he found an older janitor who agreed to open the door for him.
"Thank you." Trace whispered as he walked in, locking the door again.
He walked deeper into the bathroom and his breath caught in his throat when he saw his friend crumpled against the far wall behind the stalls, "Jay? What's going on man?" Trace asked as he kneeled down beside him.
"I can't do this," he sobbed, "I can't, I just can't."
"Why not Jay, you've worked so hard."
"I don't deserve it! Don't you see, I haven't changed. I still want it, I need it. I crave it." Justin continued to sob.
"We are here for you Justin, you don't have to do this alone. We all love you and we won't let you fall again."
"But what if it happens again, Trace? What if I hurt you all again? I'm mean, fuck, I just-"
"It doesn't matter. Once you and I walk out of this door, we leave it all in the past." Trace stood up and held out his hand to Justin, "Are you coming with me?"
Justin looked at his hand and extended his own hand but couldn't reach Trace. His then tear stained eyes reached his friend's dark ones and desperately searched them, asking Trace without words to help him. He leaned in and closed the distance between their hands and grasped onto to Justin's, pulling him forward and onto his feet.
Justin collapsed into his friend, hugging him tightly to his body, grabbing onto Trace's shirt as hard as he could, "Thank you, thank you so much." He said into Trace's neck.
"It's okay Jay, just get cleaned up okay? I'll be right outside, I promise."
Justin watched Trace walk out of the bathroom and walked over to the sink again. He wiped his face with his hands and then turned on the water, running his hands under the cold water. He cupped his hands, allowing the water to pool in his palms and then splashed it into his face. The coolness of the water washed over him as he began to calm back down. He repeated the process again a few times and then stood up again, grabbing some paper towels and blotting his face.
Once he was dry, he looked at himself again in the mirror. He did deserve it. He deserved a good, long life with his family and friends. Dionne deserved a coherent, loving father to protect her from the cruel world. Chione deserved a loving, devoted partner to help her raise their child. And Trace deserved a friend to be able to depend on. Justin took in a deep breath and let it out, never taking his eyes off of his reflection.
"I deserve it."
He threw away the damp paper towels and put his hand on the doorknob. He stood for a few seconds, contemplating just running and jumping out of the nearest window but then he through open the door instead and walked back out into the lobby. Trace slapped Justin on the back and smiled at him, adding more confidence to Justin's bruised ego. Justin smiled back a little and looked down at his shoes as Lois made the announcement that everything was ready.
Justin stood back and watched as they all walked down the hallway. Just as he was about to follow after his mother, the sound of the rushing wind hit his ear as someone entered the building. He was going to turn around to see if it was her, but then brushed the thought away. He took a step but the possibility of her being there stopped him. Telling himself not to get excited, he turned around.
And Chione was standing there with Dionne placed on her hip.
You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.
Author's Chapter Notes:
sorry it's been so long, but here's chapter 20. hope you enjoy, and thanks for all of the lovely reviews.
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