Source: Unknown
In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark, cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
“Angel” - Sarah McLachlan
“Dee Dee, come here, please.” The call of my eldest sibling causes my body to jerk slightly - the past day and a half I have secluded myself to my secret stash of snacks because in my time of need, food is my only comfort.
The reality of knowing that Jade is actually leaving our tight nest is a blessing for me because I know how much it means to her, to be able to get away from our mother - to live her own life, on her own terms; but it is also heart wrenching - Jade has set such a high example for what I want to do with my life - and now, that she’s really leaving, all I want is for her to take me with her.
Selfish, I know - but truthfully, if she leaves…the possibility of me getting out of this God forsaken household is slim to none.
But I will never tell her this, I will never ask her to stay - it just isn’t me.
I push myself up from my bed and make my way across the hall to her bedroom; when I enter, I am immediately solemn at the image before me - Jade’s room is now completely bare - the posters of James Dean and Paul Newman are gone (she’s always had a fascination with old Hollywood actors) and all that is left is brown boxes full of her belongings.
My heart aches suddenly and I sigh - as she notices me, her face brightens and her light brown eyes glitter with happiness, this lets me know that she is truly happy to see me. Why? I don’t know.
Her petite frame moves a small box before her and seems consumed with the process of searching for something in another box - I don’t say anything; when it seems that she has found what she has been searching for, she motions for me to close her door and I do.
Her thick strawberry blonde hair is pulled into a high ponytail with just a few loose strands falling over her features which for some odd reason irked me. I know she purposely didn’t mean for her hair to look like that but its just the point that even when she doesn’t want things a certain - she still looks like a model in the process. Jealous, much?
Yeah, maybe so.
Jade steps closer to me, the scent of her strong perfume fills my nostrils and I fight the urge to sneeze. “This is for you,” she opens the palms of her hands and there lies a small, white picture album.
I squint my eyes at her in confusion - we are not allowed to have family pictures hanging in our house and our photo albums are have been hid by our mother - I never quite got why my mother is so against pictures of her family, but I never question her. But still, it would be nice to see the memories from my past so now, as she holds this out to me, I’m frightened of what our mother will do.
“Take it, Dee Dee.” She pushes it further onto me and I step back, cautiously, terrified.
I shake my head. “I d-don’t want that, Jade.”
Her eyes has now lost its happiness, slightly and she cocks her head to the side. I wish Zora was here beside me - she could handle this situation so much better than I can. “I know you’re worried about Mother, but don’t worry about her, Dee Dee.” She places the album on top of a box and moves to the side of her room and bends down; her hands roam over the white carpet briefly, before she slowly pulls up a piece of the fabric, revealing a small hole filled with a Spongebob lunchbox.
I step closer to peer inside and I snort. “I guess Mom doesn’t know about that.”
Jade’s eyes find mine and she giggles, softly. “Of course, she don’t know about this, Sadie - can you just imagine her complaining?” She pulls the fabric back over the hole and stands from her kneeling position, grabbing the album from the box, she holds it out for me to take it. “That’s why I just showed you that, Dee Dee - all my life, I’ve hidden the true things that are sacred to me away from her reach ‘cause she just doesn’t understand the concept of someone truly being happy without her input.”
I slowly take the book from her hands and I’m afraid to open it and see what’s before me - I’m afraid Jade will see my emotions too easily if I look through this gift that she has given me; no one can see me be weak…not even my own mother - I won’t let it happen.
I chew on my bottom lip and find myself staring at my bulging belly spilling over my white pajama bottoms - if my mother knew I had snuck that extra Snickers bar into my room after she refused to let me have any candy (but she had let my other sisters indulge in the sweetness of chocolate), lets just say I wouldn’t be standing here right now.
“Why did you give this to me?” I’m curious.
My sister’s hands fall to my shoulders and she shakes me softly, causing me to find her eyes once again - she’s half-smiling. “Our mother has always been strict, but since the day you were born - she has made it her top priority to make your life a living hell.” She pinches my nose quickly and I snicker softly. “I know what she puts you through, Sadie and here’s my advice to you - love yourself.”
I roll my eyes. “Okay, I do.”
She shakes her head, disbelieving. “No, you don’t - you’re trying to be the person Mabel wants you to be and in the process you have forgotten to just be a kid, babe.” Jade’s eyes suddenly become watery and I’m confused as to why. “So love you and if Mom can’t accept you for who you are - then fuck her, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart - fuck her, Sadie.”
Tears were now flowing from her eyes and I can feel my body slowly, but surely, become hot - what am I to do why she stands before me, crying? I can’t do anything but stare in disbelief because I know she means every word she says and even though it sounds so easy - I cannot do what she wishes of me. I have to live with this woman, permanently for the next seven years - to do what I want and not try to make to her happy would be a slap in the face.
And of course, I just don’t have the courage to do this.
But, I will never tell Jade this. “You still d-didn’t answer my question, Jade.”
Jade snorts and wipes her eyes. “Okay, honey, I was getting there.” I widen my eyes because I didn’t mean to sound rude and when I see she is grinning - I know its all right. “I wanted you to know you can hide whatever is meaningful to you somewhere that has saved me, literally.” She sighs, loudly. “And this present to you is just memories, Dee Dee - Mother never lets us remember…but I do, I always do - and I want you to remember, too.”
Why am I thinking about my sister, Jade, on my very first date instead of concentrating on Trace? The answer is simple - I am trying so hard not to focus on Trace because every time that I think of him or this date…it brings me back to Justin - and that’s just a place where I don’t want to go, yet.
Now, Trace and I sit in front of his television set watching some movie, which I think is called The Wedding Singer - I’ve never heard of or even seen this movie before, but apparently it had been a hit when it first released some years back (Trace relayed this information to me) but I’m loving every minute of it because of Drew Barrymore.
I thought dating entailed going out to the show (okay, I know I’m an old lady at heart for still calling the movies this) or dining out at a restaurant but Trace had completely taken me aback - he had driven me back to his house for a nice, movie night completed by his cooking of Spaghetti and salad.
Who am I to judge the dating game when I’ve never been a part of it?
I’ve never been over another man’s house - so, this in itself, is a big deal, well it was a big deal, at first - but that’s the thing about Trace…he never proposes himself as a threat. I feel so completely relaxed in his presence that now as we sit on the couch and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, drawing me closer to his body - I didn’t squirm with fear.
You shocked? I’m astounded. But maybe I’ve been so content with Trace is because in the course of three hours - the potential of him and I being something, anything had been so high, so ridiculously high but now…all I can think of is his best friend, Justin. All I can see is those clear, blue eyes piercing a hole into me forcing me to face something I don’t know if I’m supposed to or if I am just hallucinating things.
Whatever the case may be, I can never confront these thoughts racing through my mind - I can never admit to the fact that I might actually be attracted to the town junkie who has caused me so much grief. How is that even possible? How can the first person I’ve ever had any remotely feelings for turn out to be the one person who has purposefully tried to destruct me?
What kind of torture is this from God? Why is he choosing to do this to me? Is this my punishment for not being what my mother wanted me to be?
I sigh, softly, my eyes drifting away from the television screen and falling to my hands that are resting in my lap - Trace is a sweetheart and I truly believe that he wants nothing more than to see me happy and honestly, isn’t that what a woman wants from a man? Or do I have it all wrong?
The only thing I want right now is to talk to Zora - she is my best friend, my confidant and the only person who will be completely honest with me and will know what is best for me and my aching, lonely soul. I’m a little overdramatic, this I do know but I-
“Sadie?” Trace’s voice enters my thoughts and I immediately raise my eyes to find his questioning gaze. He’s probably wondering why I’m not as into this movie as he would hoped…if only he knew. “Is everything all right? This movie boring you?” He tightens his grip on my shoulder and my heartbeat quickens, suddenly.
A smile reaches my lips before I can think and a rush of heat reaches my cheeks - this newfound interest in me is still catching me off guard. “I’m sorry, I’m fine.” I bite down on my lower lip, “The movie is great, Trace, I’m just surprised you picked this-”
He cuts me off, smiling. “Cause it’s a chick flick?”
I shake my head, my eyes brightening with mischief but the smile never falls from my features, if anything, it widens. “No, no, of course not.” The sarcasm drips from my response and I am eternally shocked that this man can bring out a side of Sadie Kennedy that I never knew existed.
He rolls his eyes, playfully. “Uh huh, whatever.” He snickers. “I happen to be a really big Adam Sandler fan, mind you.”
I nod my head, quickly, agreeing with him. “Obviously, you are-” I look to his DVD collection that is sprawled out on the floor beneath us. “That is why the only other movies I see by Adam Sandler is 50 First Dates, which mind you, is another flick with Drew Barrymore.” I giggle. “I think you’re just a fan of this little duo.”
Blush hits his cheeks like a shockwave and I can’t help but feel at ease as he draws me closer to him, my chest is brushing against his ribs and my face is mere inches from his own but I don’t loosen our embrace…I trust him. His free hand finds my cheek and his thumb softly grazes over my flesh - I am unaffected by this - why? I do not know.
His tone is suddenly low, husky. “Promise to keep it a secret?”
I smirk. “Yeah, I guess I can.” He chooses not to respond.
His eyes has now found my lips and still I am not unaffected - here I am with this great guy and he’s wanting to be the first person to ever kiss me and my very emotional, irrational self cannot even show any ounce of feeling - it as if, I don’t care.
I really, truly do not care - well, I do care about one thing; his head is dipping down now, his eyes are closing and I sit still, not moving an inch - I’ve dreamt of what this moment would be like and sometimes, I try to imagine myself of who it would be with.
My sisters view their sex partners as the ultimate, big decision that they have to make but I’m so much different from their world, so much more different - I have been so sure I will never be kissed that now, as the moment is about to happen - I don’t want it to.
This isn’t what I wanted - and I want to smack myself in the face for being so picky because who am I to be a judge of anything when I’ve never had anyone to kiss before? But what do I want? What am I dreading?
A harsh breath of air escapes me as his phone sounds off almost suddenly, I jerk back from our embrace, thankful to have an excuse to not engage in what I believe will only be a mistake and a regret; his eyes find mine and he mouths his apologies before jumping up from the couch and heading to what I assume is his bedroom to answer the phone.
My head falls into my hands and I groan in frustration - what is wrong with me? Raising my head, I pull out my cell phone from my back pocket, deciding I can no longer wait any longer; I have to talk to my sister - I do something I know she absolutely loves - I text her.
Send To: Z-Baby
Zora, I’m in SO much trouble! I need 2 talk 2 U! A.S.A.P.
I close my phone and wait, impatiently, for Trace to return the room and when he doesn’t after a few minutes have passed - my phone vibrates, letting me know I’ve received a message. I smile suddenly, I can always depend on her to get back to me when I need her. That’s a given.
From: Z-Baby
What’s the deal? Do I gotta come over there and beat that boy ass 4 U? What did he do?
A soft laugh escapes my throat because I know she is on guard and in her protective, older sibling role which she always assumes when she feels someone is trying to take advantage of me. I begin to type something in return but before I can - she calls me.
I should’ve expected this.
I look behind me to see if Trace is returning before I answer the phone, “Yes?” I answer sweetly.
Her breathing is loud over the receiver and she snorts, “Um, took you too long to respond - so what the fuck he do?”
I shake my head as if she can see me. “Nothing.” I sigh. “Its me - I feel so bad, Zora - he’s so great, but this whole time, I’ve been thinking of someone else.”
Zora whistles, happy. “My baby sister’s becoming a two-timing whore?” I frown. “I’m so proud of you!”
I roll my eyes. “No, I’m not and don’t call me that.” I lower my voice, “I’m serious, Z.”
She is silent for oh, about five seconds before she dives in for the kill. “I don’t like the guessing game. So, who is it?”
My sisters have defended me against him, one of my sisters even dated him and yet, that still isn’t enough incentive to stop my crazy mind from thinking about him. I can only fear what Zora will say - I know she will be livid.
“Promise to not flip out.” I whisper while looking behind me, searching for Trace with no avail. Okay, good - that buys me more time.
Zora is groaning now. “Damn, okay! Out with it already!”
Just get it over with. “Its Justin Timberlake.” I speak, rushed.
This time around, her silence is long and I worry that she has hung up the phone but she wouldn’t do that - she never hangs up on me, never.
Zora speaks now, her voice is very low. “For the first time in God knows how long - I’m fucking speechless, Dee Dee. All I can think is that you must be losing your mind like, really losing it.” She breathes heavily and my heart pounds in my ears. “Enjoy this tonight ’cause its your first - we’ll talk about it when you get home, okay?”
She doesn’t wait for me to respond as I hear a dial tone and I wonder what is going through her mind - she was surprisingly calm and collected. I shake my head - that isn’t Zora, at all.
I can’t process our conversation because suddenly, Trace bolts into the living room, car keys in hand and he looks mighty upset. I almost immediately stand from the couch - “What’s wrong?”
It is then that he remembers I’m in the room because he stops mid-way to the front door and sighs. He looks distressed and sad. I want to comfort him and place a smile upon his face like he has done for me so many times these past couple of weeks but I don’t know how.
“I’m so sorry, Sadie but I have to cut this night short - something’s going on with Justin, something serious.” His eyes are red and I can tell he’s been crying.
The mentioning of Justin has my full attention and I step forward, worried. “What happened?”
He cuts his eyes and it seems as if he is hesitant to tell me. “H-He’s locked himself in his bathroom and Lynn thinks he’s trying to overdose.” Tears are now falling from his eyes and without thinking, I move to him and do what I think he would do for me - I hold my arms out for him and he steps into my embrace, quickly.
His hands grip onto my hair tightly and he buries his face into the crook of my neck, sobbing and I envelope his crumbling figure into my body, my heart is pounding and I am unsure if I am doing the right thing but at this moment, I know that this is what he truly needs. So, I’ll give what I can and I’ll do what I can because I know Trace deserves that - he’s earned that.
I feel his tears spill onto my flesh and my vision becomes cloudy with tears of my own, unbeknownst to him and I’m questioning myself as to why - it hits me then - Trace truly does love Justin and this is killing him; it is destroying him to see his best friend try to take the easy way out. It kills him because whatever he does - he can’t stop it.
He needs more than Justin - he needs someone to be in his corner, too - someone to fight for him, too. Silent tears escape my eyelids and I breathe in deeply.
I will be that someone for Trace, I will.
“I’m coming with you.” I say now.
Surprisingly, he doesn’t disagree and a deep part of me wished he had - what have I gotten myself into?
* * *
The first thing I notice is Lynn’s distraught face - she looks so much older when she is in distress; she holds onto me almost immediately and as I hear the pounding of her own heart entwined with my own, I hold her tighter.
Trace escapes to Justin’s bedroom and Lynn and I stand in the living room, holding onto one another for dear life. I’m surprised she’s not in tears but then why would she be? She’s so used to this sort of thing happening that the tears probably has just stopped coming - its like she expects this to happen.
I probably am reading too much into her emotions. Yeah, that’s it. She pulls back from our embrace and a forced smile graces her features now. “Its my fault.”
The immediate action of me shaking my head comes in to effect. “Lynn, no it isn’t - you shouldn’t blame yourself.”
Her trembling hands find my own and she squeezes mine with soft pressure, her blue eyes are so dark with sadness that my body aches. “Honey, I am to blame.” She shrugs her shoulders, helplessly, “My mouth has always gotten me into trouble - that’s one thing Justin has to show for since being my child…his damn mouth.”
I don’t know what to say. What can I say? “My son smiled today.” Her gaze falls to the floor, “He smiled, Sadie - it felt so good to see him that way…God could’ve ended my life right then and I would have been complete.” She runs her fingers over her face, “My life would’ve been complete.”
She drops our entwined hands and heads to what I’m guessing is her own room - so what do I do now? I worry about Trace and Justin but I don’t know if it is right of me to enter that room - to see things I’ve never been exposed to.
To really know what pain can do to one’s soul if given enough ammunition.
My lips are quivering as my feet begin moving towards Justin’s room and as I enter it, I exhale a deep breath of anxiety. The first person I am met with is Trace standing next to the doorframe of the bathroom and I want to smile because he has gotten Justin to open the door - but when I notice the expression upon my new friend’s face, my heart crashes.
He looks completely broken.
I dare myself to step further into the room so that I can be closer to Trace - when I reach the bathroom door - the smell of urine fills my nostrils and I snort, softly.
Its so strong that I wonder how Trace can just stand there, silently, without wanting to vomit or run away - I want to run away, but my determined, friendly self stays beside the man who needs me. I bring my quivering hand out to touch Trace and he jumps - his brown eyes find mine and he shakes his head, disbelieving.
“I-I c-can’t d-do this.” He struggles out while stepping back from the doorframe and I raise my eyebrows in question. “I-It h-hurts t-too damn m-much.” He’s crying now and I don’t know if I should follow him as he falls onto Justin’s bed and sobs quietly into his pillows.
I have to deal with him later as my eyes find the man before me, I hold my breath at the sight in front of me. Justin is laying down on the bathroom floor, his clothes drenched with his urine, his eyes open but are dazed off somewhere else, saliva is falling from his lips and he has the tremors.
I’ve never in my life been exposed to something or someone like this; in that moment, I want to thank my mother for protecting me so much that I could’ve never been around anyone like this man until now - it pains me that this man can be so selfish and only think of himself but not of the people that truly do love him.
I notice the needle on the floor beside him and I glance behind me - why isn’t Trace trying to help? Has he had enough? Whatever the case may be, in front of me right now is a man who is clearly out of his natural state of mind and I know I’ll regret this and I’ll never forget how on my first date, ever, I helped a junkie but I can’t leave him here - I won’t.
Stepping into the bathroom - I glance around until I see the pantry, moving around Justin, I open it and grab three big towels and one face towel; closing the pantry, I place the big towels onto the countertop and run warm water over the face towel, trying to not notice my hands trembling with fear while doing so.
Wringing out the excess water, I hover over this lifeless figure and kneel before him - he still seems not to notice me. I wonder what am I suppose to do? Instincts kick in quickly and begin to wipe the saliva from his mouth, I wipe the sweat beads forming on his neck and I wipe the dry tears so evident on his pale cheeks - my heart is pounding in my ears, I’ve never been close to this man before, not like this - so intimate, so personal and yet, so raw.
I try not to think of him as the man who has degraded me for the past month instead I try to view him as a man who everyone has given up believing in, a man who just right now needs help ‘cause he isn’t going to be able to do this on his own.
Trace’s cries have become soft snores and I roll my eyes. Some first date this has been - he has left me alone with his best friend, just great. I place the towel on the base of the tub and nervously I pull his shirt up so that his stomach is revealed - I am too consumed with his skeletal body to even notice his eyes finally reach me, acknowledging my presence.
Find Me Here
Speak To Me
God, he really needs to stop the drugs while he’s behind - he’s going to be nothing but a corpse sooner than later; when I reach for the towel again, I jerk at the sight of him, looking at me. Does he want me to stop? He does nothing but stare in a trance and I take this as a sign to continue - I stand from my kneeling position and wash off the saliva in the sink before returning back to his side and rubbing the warm towel across his pale, wrinkled flesh. I frown.
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
“S-Sadie?” His hoarse voice brings me back to his gaze and I cock my head to the side - when he notices the wetness in the depth of his sweats, a heat of embarrassement rushes to his cheeks but I don’t care that he’s humiliated; tears form in his eyes and he breathes deeply. “W-What a-are you doing?”
I pull his shirt back over his stomach and I take his left arm into my hands, my eyes roam over to the darkened spots in his arm - I’m guessing this is the arm that he shoots up with. I chew on my bottom lip and I still feel his eyes on me as I bring the towel on his arm, silently hoping to rub this disease of a drug away from his skin.
“I’m trying to help you.”
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again
He coughs and his eyes roll upwards. “B-But why?”
I shrug my shoulders - even I am questioning myself as to why I’m doing this; no truly sane person would do this for someone else, at least not for someone like Justin. But here I am.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting
“No one deserves to be alone in their darkest hour…not even you, Justin.” I say, softly, dropping his arm gently back to his side, moving over, I turn on the shower knob to the tub and turn the water to warm. I stand from the floor and grab a hold of his hands, helping him to stand and surprisingly, he lets me.
He is much stronger than I and as I pull him up, his body almost topples over me but he catches himself. I sigh. “I don’t think you need help with the clothes part, but if you do, I got to get your mother to help you on that one.”
Justin shakes his head, slowly. “I got it.”
I place the towel onto the counter and fold my arms in front of my chest. “Well, take as long as you want in the shower - clear your head and try to come out more alert, all right?”
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
He stares at me blankly and his eyes roam over my face, studying me. I blink. “What is it?”
Justin snaps himself out of his trance and shrugs his shoulders. “Its as if I’m seeing you for the first time.”
I nod my head like I understand him but really I don’t - I’m not understanding where my confidence has kicked in all of the sudden in the past thirty minutes but I like it, I like it a lot.
You calm the storms, and you give me rest
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall
Justin still hasn’t made any movement so I guess he is waiting on me to leave the bathroom - I jump at this chance as I maneuver around him, his hand reaches out and grabs a hold of mine, pulling me back - I almost bump into his chest but my feet stop me.
His hands rest on my biceps and I cut my eyes away from his gaze, not wanting to him to be able to see the sparkle in my eyes - not wanting him to know that this action of his has made my night, my week, my month, probably.
I’m pathetic, I know.
Tears fall from his eyelids and onto my face (yes, we are that close) and my heart reaches out to him because I know it is hard for him to be so open, so raw in front of someone he barely knows, someone he can’t stand to be around. “Sadie,” He breathes out deeply, his voice becoming softer, “I felt so alone, s-so very alone and…you were here.” He cries softly but I don’t move to comfort him. “You stayed when t-they left - damn, this is harder than I-I thought it would be.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Just say it.”
He scoffs. “Will you wait ‘till I get out of the shower?” His lips were trembling with fear - he was just as scared as me - shocking. “Will you wait for me, Sadie?”
I smirk. I can only think of what am I doing? What am I getting myself into? Why can’t I just walk away now and return to Trace’s needy arms? Why can’t I abandon this creature before me? I wish he would forget my generosity. I wish he would forget me.
Before I can think, I’m responding…with a smile. “I’ll wait.”
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
I guess my heart and my mind are not on the same page right now - great.
* * *
Song credit:
"Everything" by Lifehouse
