Source: Unknown
I never cared much for moonlit skies
I never wink back at fireflies
But now that the stars are in your eyes
I'm beginning to see the light
“I’m Beginning to See the Light” - Ella Fitzgerald
“That’s some wild shit.” Zora’s voice rings through my ears as I stand in her room with my hands on my hips and my eyes weary with sleepiness and dried tears - I’ve been relaying the night’s events to her for the past hour and a half and surprisingly enough, this has been her first statement since I’ve gotten home.
She stares back at me, eyes wide and I don’t try to read the expression on her face right now because at this moment, I have bigger things to deal with than Zora’s disapproval. I’m truly worried about Justin. Words cannot express or even describe how elated I had been when he had asked me to stay - Justin wanted me to stay and wait for him.
This is so surreal to me - even now, as Zora is running off at the mouth, I can’t hear her, I’m not trying to listen to her because all I can think of Justin and I’m wondering is he sleep…is he awake…is he thinking of me. I shake my head. It probably hit him as soon as I left what a mistake it was to even associate with me - things probably will get back to its regular routine by tomorrow. Justin will be back to his harsh ways and I’ll regret every second of the day that I actually offered my help to this town junkie.
But if I had to do it all over again, I’d do it in a heartbeat. If I were in the same predicament as Justin is - I know I will need someone in my corner, someone who believes in me, someone who doesn’t give up on me, someone I can depend on. Through my eyes, I saw that everyone Justin held close to his heart were slowly losing faith in him or at least, they had already given up on him and in my heart, I couldn’t allow him to feel, even at his lowest, that he didn’t have no one.
I was there for Trace, but when I saw this man - this sad, destructed man, it came to me that I really was there for him. I was there to help Justin - to be in his corner.
I’m surprised I got through that whole ordeal in one piece - I’ve never been that confident before, I’ve never been that sure of myself; I guess its true what people say - when you’re in a crisis, sometimes it brings out the best in people. Maybe I need to have pressure placed upon my shoulders more often if it is going to make me stronger as a person, as a woman?
I have regrets of just leaving him there - a part of me wanted to hold him, console him, have him fall asleep in my arms like they do in the movies but I came back to reality then - nothing like that is real, nothing like that is promised to me. At least not from Justin.
The entire time he had been in the shower, I stood outside of the bathroom door, staring at the sleeping form of Trace; thoughts of what could’ve been between us ran through my mind - I knew then, I could never be with Trace, I could never honestly be faithful in his eyes when all I wanted and all I cared about was the well-being of his best friend. I don’t know much about relationships but I know that wasn’t going to be fair to Trace - to make him think that we really had a shot of making something work when in truth, all we really will be doing is living a lie.
Don’t question me why all of the sudden these feelings for Justin have arisen - I’m unsure myself; all I do know is that something has to be real about these feelings of mine if just the thought of him sends me into a worried state of mind.
My fear is how can I tell Trace that I feel more for his best friend than I do for him? I don’t want to hurt him but I also don’t want to live a lie. I truly do believe that if I end the possibility of a romantic relationship between Trace and me while I’m ahead then I can avoid voicing my devotion to Justin. I nod my head - yeah, that’s what I’ll do. I don’t what Justin to ever find out that I’m starting to have these unlikely feelings for him because I want to save myself the embarrassment of not only being rejected by him but also the embarrassment of him degrading me to his friends.
I refuse to give him a reason to hurt me anymore than he already has - its just not going to happen if I have anything to say about it.
Lynn had given me the ride home after seeing that Trace was too enraptured with his sleep - the whole ride felt like a never-ending, uncomfortable silence between us. I remained mute and she seemed somewhat in a daze - I don’t remember even saying my goodbyes to her…I was so consumed with just getting inside of my house without having to talk about her son with her; I didn’t want to discuss Justin at all with Lynn because I felt my mind wanted to say something but my heart seemed to be on a whole different page. I just didn’t want her to know that there is a slightest chance I might be falling for her son…I didn’t want her to know that I’m falling for her cocaine addicted son.
I didn’t want anyone to know this - its too unreal, too incomprehensible, but the reason I let Zora in my horrid crush is only because I know she won’t say a word to another soul if I ask her not to. She’s my best friend and I tell her everything, even if everything isn’t much at all…I still tell her.
I start my new job in less than a month and if anyone knew I was associating with the town junkie, I might as well send in my resignation letter before I even begin; teaching is my dream, it’s the one thing I know I can overcome because children mean so much to me - I never thought of the possibility of having to give this up because I know Justin Timberlake, but now, I see how crucial it is to leave him alone.
Mothers worry about who they send their children off to for eight hours a day, five days a week - this is common; there will be an uproar if anyone found out that I seemed to be in some sort of crazy ‘dance’ with Justin Timberlake, everyone knew him, everyone knew about him, and those mothers just wouldn’t be able to trust me in their children’s care if I spent my days with him.
I sigh, loudly. This only adds to my long list of reasons of why I cannot like Justin, but yet, I still do. I wanted to help him, and I did - even now, I still worry about him but this feeling will pass, it has to. My profession is so much more important than some stupid, high school crush.
Yes, I think its stupid - its just so incredibly ridiculous that I have feelings for such a…loser. Forgive me for thinking this, I take it back - I’m just trying to find any lame excuse for me not being involved with this man. He is affecting me way too much than I want him to.
“You’re more like Maria than I ever thought you’d be,” My sister is still talking and so now, I tune in and try to act as if I’ve been listening to her this entire time. “You two have the worst taste in men, ever.”
I frown. “How can you say that when I’ve never even liked anyone before now?”
She rolls her eyes, dramatically. “I know that, Sherlock. I was talking ‘bout you two having a thing for Justin.” She’s lying on her stomach, in her bed, with her chin resting on the palm of her hand, staring at me, curiously. “What is it about him?”
I step further into the room and sit on the edge of her bed, crossing my legs and folding my arms in front of my chest. “I…don’t know,” I speak, truthfully, my mind racing with thoughts.
Zora mutters something incoherent and then smirks. “I kind of understood why Maria was with him - he was a different person then, but Sadie…he treats you like complete trash.” Her soft features turns hard, suddenly. “What’re you thinking? I would’ve killed him for what he said to you that day in the store and now…you like him?”
I cut my eyes away from hers and chew on my bottom lip. I knew she’d be upset with me but I’m more surprised that she seems more hurt than anything else. Why is she hurt? What did I do wrong?
“I don’t u-understand it myself, Zora.” My voice comes out extremely soft and I bring my focus to my hands in my lap. I’m trembling because I don’t want my only friend to be upset with me. “Its just today - I saw a different side of him.”
She scoffs. “Yeah, you saw the drug addict side.”
I look to her and see that her brown eyes are dark and menacing - I shiver underneath her gaze, I wish she’d stop looking at me like that. “Zora, listen to me, please.” Her expression doesn’t change. “I know he’s a cruel man, but tonight, I see that he’s just as alone in this world as me. I d-don’t wish anything bad on anyone, Z, not even someone who doesn’t like me.”
She sits up and pulls a loose strand of her blonde hair behind her right ear. “You’re not alone, Sadie. You may not have our parents but you have your sisters and you have Kyle - you are not alone, all right?” I nod my head slowly. “Now, Justin, on the other hand, is alone…but he chose that path, he alienated himself from the people who love him the most. I don’t feel sorry for him, Dee Dee, and you shouldn’t, either.”
I blink rapidly, licking my lips while doing so. “That’s the thing - I don’t feel sorry for him, Z…I just wanted to help him. I saw in his eyes that he wants to change - something happened to him to make him that way and maybe, he’ll never speak to me again after tonight but if he remembers that at his absolute lowest someone was there for him...” A smile forms across my features, “I think he might actually begin to believe in himself.”
Zora looks emotionless before she holds her hand out for me to take and when I do, she squeezes, hard. “I understand that, sis, but what happens when he goes back to attacking you? You’re gonna be sitting around smiling then?”
I knew she threw that last comment in there to try to wipe the smile off of my face but it didn’t work, if anything, my smile grew. “I really don’t think that’s going to happen anymore, Zora.”
She lets go of my hand and stands from her bed. “Whatever, you’re in denial.” She places her hand on her left hip and narrows her gaze down on me. “These feelings are new for you, Dee Dee, and that’s why they should be felt about someone who is worth it and Justin is not.” Her features soften, slightly. “You think you can hide how you feel about him? You can’t, Dee Dee. Its written all over your face.”
I touch my cheeks, worried. “What is?”
Zora rolls her eyes and smiles, pitying me. “You’re falling for him.” My hands drop from my face and blush reaches my features before I can think. “And that’s why I’m so scared because I just don’t want see you get hurt, but you will, Sadie.” Her smiles falls and I raise my brows in question. “You will be hurt by him and when you do - I won’t be able to protect you from the pain and trust me, you will wish you had avoided Justin when you had the chance because the pain is something I’m afraid you’re not strong for.”
I roll my eyes. “Its just a crush, Zora.”
She shakes her head slowly, not believing me. “Thirteen year-olds have crushes, Sadie.” She snorts. “You’re twenty-two and this is the first person you’ve felt anything for - you think it’s a crush?” Her laughter erupts and I jerk back slightly, surprised. “You’re so fucking naïve, Dee Dee.”
I fold my arms back in front of my chest. “Then tell me what it is that I need to know.”
Zora seems to have dismissed me now - she heads into her closet looking for something of the other and my heart pounds. I find it extremely rude that she just decides to end the conversation when I’m completely and utterly lost on what she is talking about. How am I naïve?
It is just a crush - my age has nothing to do with this.
I stand from her bed and sigh, loudly. Its sad to know that the one person who matters to me the most is disappointed in me - it really hurts me down deep. I wipe my nose and decide that maybe, I really do just need to try to make things work with Trace. It will make my sisters happy and I know that he will try everything in his power to make me happy - but I know, sadly, it won’t be enough.
But I’ll do it anyway just to appease my sisters, more importantly, Zora. I shrug my shoulders helplessly and intend to vacant her room when suddenly she appears before me, holding a photograph out to me.
I look to her, my brows are raised and she cocks her head to the side, her piercing brown eyes are full of sadness. Guilt consumes my body whole as I know I am the blame for the emotion in her gaze. “Take it.” She whispers softly and as the picture slips in between her fingers and falls into my left hand, my eyes flow over the sight before me.
I immediately recognize my sister, Maria - this picture had to be taken during her late teen years because that is when she was sporting the extremely long, jet-black hair style; she’s wearing a black tube bikini and is standing in the arms of a tall, male figure - someone so breathtakingly handsome I almost lose my breath.
Zora snorts. “Justin really was a catch back then, huh?”
My questioning eyes find hers immediately and my lips part in shock - my eyes roam over the man once again and I’m astounded to see that in fact, it is Justin; he’s much more healthier here, much more happier - this strains my heart because I know I’ll never have that affect my sister has on him.
You can only look that happy if you’re with someone you’re falling in love with - we know that’ll never between him and I. “Your reason for giving me this is?”
She licks her lips and groans, inwardly. “I want you to see the difference between the Justin you know and the Justin I knew.” She takes the picture from my hands and looks over it, briefly. “The Justin in this picture loved life - I don’t think I’ve ever seen him not smiling or at least trying to put a smile on someone else’s face. Music was his gift and he cherished it. He catered to every woman who mattered to him and respected those who he barely knew.”
Zora then rips the picture in half and throws it onto the bed - her eyes widen. “That man is dead, Sadie and he isn’t coming back…you need to get that through your head.”
I shake my head. “You don’t have faith, Zora-”
She interjects me. “Don’t talk to me about faith, Sadie. You’re the fucking one who has spent your entire life hiding behind your sisters ‘cause you’re too afraid to be on your own - you’ve never had faith in yourself so don’t talk to me about that shit.”
My eyes widen and my lips begin to tremble, I stumble backwards; Zora is really ticked off at me right now and all I can think of is how I wish she wasn’t so mean to me if she knows I can’t handle it. “U-Um, I-I’m s-sorry.” My stuttering voice echoes throughout the room and I try to find her gaze, even though I’m pretty sure that she is staring at me right now.
She sighs. I see her out of the corner of my eye step forward, but I step back. I’m nervous. “I shouldn’t have said that, Dee Dee.” Her tone takes a softer volume and she steps into my vision, her features are everything apologetic. “I’m just so scared for you ‘cause I know you’re going to get hurt and I want to protect you but a person can never protect someone from what their heart wants.”
I pout which looks really pathetic when I’m twenty-two, I’m sure, but I do it anyway; Zora folds my body into embrace and our bodies sway. “It’ll pass, Z.”
She giggles softly. “Oh, honey, no, it won’t.” Her lips find my cheek and she kisses me briefly before stepping back, her eyes are watery and I’m curious as to why. “Be careful, okay? Promise me you’ll be careful.”
I lick my lips. “Careful ‘bout what?”
Her eyes dance and she laughs loudly before placing her hands onto my shoulders. “Don’t ask because I’ll be here all night trying to explain it to your slow ass - just promise me.”
I shrug my shoulders and I smile. “I promise.”
* * *
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long, you’ll have good luck - yeah, that’s complete bullshit ‘cause I’ve been holding this damn thing for the past three hours and nothing has fucking happened yet.
I’m bitter right about now - I have a right to be, I have a fucking migraine that’ll make anyone wish they were dead, my mother has forced me to go job hunting today and to top it all off, last night I’m pretty sure I’ve had the most humiliating moment in my life right before Sadie’s eyes.
Yes, I called her by her name without adding any cruel statement behind or before it - I figure after she’s seen me piss on myself and foam at the mouth that I can’t talk about her anymore, nor do I truly want to. Do I care to explain my breakdown last night?
Hell no. It is just clear to me that my mother can say the most ludicrous comments at the wrong, freaking time; I’ve never seen the resemblance between Tyler and Sadie but after my mother spoke the unspeakable, the shit all came to me at once.
I’ll tell you just a bit of my horrible history with Tyler Jackson, okay maybe I won’t seeing as how I can’t control emotions when thinking of her so I’ll just explain how Tyler and Sadie are similar. The only thing that truly gets me is the weight issue - I’ve complained so much about how big Sadie is, but the truth happens to be that the only girl I’ve ever loved probably is a size bigger than Sadie herself.
Your mouth hit the floor, yet? Its not like I picked Tyler out of crowd of thousands of beautiful, thin women and just decided she is the girl for me - I’ve known her for the better part of my life; she and I grew up together right along with Trace, she had been the girl next door…the fat girl next door. I had my share of women when I stepped into the limelight and Tyler remained by my side - she seemed to be disappointed with my various conquests of strange women but she never voiced it.
I can never truly say she was like my sister because I’d be lying - even as children, she seemed so much more than just a sister to me - she was more like my confidant. I turned to her for comfort and she turned to for reassurance. Through our teen years, I begin to notice her very low self-esteem; not many men noticed her because of her weight - the only people she shared her life with is me and Trace, so I felt so much more protective of her than anyone else.
I don’t know when I saw her differently - maybe it were the nights she would change clothes in front of me and act as if it were nothing or maybe it were the days when I felt no inspiration to write and she’d send a smile my way and my pen would go crazy wild against the paper before me. Whenever it was, I fell for her so quickly, so rapidly - that’s thing the about love - you can never control who you love but when you fall? You don’t question it because you know its right because if it wasn’t…you wouldn’t feel the way you do.
Didn’t think my ass was that deep, did you? There were no tension between us - it felt so natural, so real that I knew she and I were meant to be; for so long, I had wished I’d find someone to be there longer than the morning after and I’d finally found her.
I’ve never been happier than when she and I were in love - she brought out the absolute best and sometimes the worst in me, and it is only because I loved her so much. Maybe you’re wondering what happened to us? Well, that’s as far as I go on that subject - I’m just not going there today, I can’t - I’m afraid I’ll fucking shit on myself if I do. And I’m not joking.
Now, I stand in our local bookstore with my mother waiting idly in the car - I’m here returning my application that I’ve had in my room, stuffed underneath my bed for about a couple of months. Lynn Harless has taken upon herself to drag me to every hiring store, building, company in the city so I can make myself “productive” as she calls it.
Occupying my time with work isn’t going to stop my drug addiction anytime soon - it didn’t stop it before and I sure as hell know it won’t now, but I’ll do what she wants to keep her mouth closed and her soul satisfied. I made a mistake last night, a huge one but I’m still going to try to make an effort to be better than what I once was. I have to be or either I’ll be just what everyone presumes I am - the town junkie.
If it starts here - it starts here. I’ve turned in my application and I’m heading out the door because being around books too long makes me nauseous - this is until I see Sadie across the store, reading a book; my heart begins to pound in my ears and my throat becomes dry.
Last night I had surprised even myself and asked her stay with me and…she did - well, she stayed just about as long until the awkward silence kicked in and we had nothing to do but stare at one another and listen to Trace’s fat ass snoring; that’s when my mother took her home and its weird, the second Sadie left…I yearned for her to come back.
It takes a lot for a real woman to do what she did for me last night, especially after all the shit I’ve said to her but she did it with grace and class - she never laughed at my faults or took it upon herself to attack me when I’m down, she was just there, being the someone I needed for that hour of that horrible day.
And for that, I have to say, my dumb ass is grateful to her.
But I don’t know if I should approach her - how do you strike up a conversation with someone who has witnessed you in your lowest hour? Maybe I should just forget she ever existed and try my best to avoid her ass? I shake my head - I doubt this is possible, the more I try to steer clear of her, the more I come in contact with her.
I step in the direction of her and I’m immediately halted in my movement by this ugly face before me - Sara Jean. “How’re ya doing, baby?” There is a large wad of pink gum stuck between her two front teeth and I try everything in my power not to laugh in her face; at least she’s dressed more appropriate than usual, her hair pulled back into a high ponytail and she’s wearing some sort black pantsuit, covering her flabby skin and endless tattoos and piercings.
I fight the urge to roll my eyes, “I’m not your baby, Sara Jean.”
Her hand reaches out then and falls to my left cheek, I don’t push her away because I don’t want to cause a scene - I know I’ve treated her pretty badly and that’s due to the fact that she lets me and more importantly, she was just an easy lay for me, nothing more, nothing less.
Her deep ruby red lips pucker out in a baby fashion and her eyes soften, “Be like that then, Justin - I just miss you is all.” She sighs, dramatically, trying to draw extra attention to herself. “You ain’t called me lately, honey…have I been kicked to the curb for some other floozy?”
My eyes glance over her frame and check and see if Sadie is still reading her book but she’s no longer standing there and I panic - maybe she left? Why the hell am I still standing here talking to this girl? “I got to go, Sara Jean, all right?”
As I move around her, she catches my arm quickly and yanks me back to her presence and I groan inwardly. Won’t she just leave me the fuck alone? “You wanna hook up later? For old times sake?” She is licking her lips, slowly, which I know she’s doing this trying to be seductive but I can only wonder what I ever saw in this pathetic excuse for a mother.
I feel sorry for her children.
I snort. “You’ve lost your fucking mind if you think I’m going to do anything with you - by the way, why are you here? You don’t even know how to read!”
She doesn’t seem phased. “That hurt, Justin - that hurt right,” she points to her head, and I raise my brows, “here. But anyway, since you care so much, I brought my kids up here to play in the children’s section.”
I scoff. “There is such a thing called playgrounds, Sara Jean.”
She rolls her eyes and waves this off. “Are you crazy, Justin? There are,” she leans in to me and whispers, “STDs at the playground - don’t tell anyone, you heard that from me.” She steps back and looks around, suspiciously.
I can’t help but laugh, softly - this woman is fucking ridiculous. “Where they’re at? I know you didn’t leave them by themselves, Sara Jean! They’re all under the age of five!”
Sara Jean snickers, “Of course, I didn’t leave them in here by themselves!” She sighs, “I left them outside on the curb, I wanted to check on things before they can come in here.”
I look behind me, incredulous. “Sara Jean - you left your six kids, outside, in the burning heat? Don’t you have a three month old? What the fuck are you still doing in here?”
She seems not to understand where I’m getting at for about one, two, three, four, oh and five seconds before she yelps and runs around me, screaming. “I can’t believe I forgot!”
Shaking my head, I decide to forget Sara Jean’s ignorant ways and try to locate Sadie - I move around, eyes roaming, searching for any sign of the quiet girl; after, I search more than I can bear, I sigh, loudly and curse underneath my breath.
This strikingly beautiful older woman stood a few feet from me and she had her blue eyes on me, watching me, intensely, studying me - I felt my pulse quicken, I hadn’t messed around with a older lady in a while and she was more than a catch - she seemed to be a dream come true.
I smile and she frowns - okay, well, I guess there goes my shot with her. I turn my eyes away from her, deciding she is no longer worth my attention until she steps into my line of vision, bothering me. “May I help you?” I ask, suddenly thinking of my mother waiting in the car, knowing her - she probably drove off and left me stranded in this Godforsaken place.
Her blonde hair has a few strands of gray but it does nothing to her clear, statuesque features, “Why were you staring at the obese girl who was reading a book?”
My eyes widen. Someone was watching me? I cock my head to the side and fold my arms in front of my chest, “How did you-”
“I was standing right behind you - I saw you the whole time.” She grips her Gucci purse tighter in her hands and her thin lips purse together, “Answer my question, please.”
My brows furrow in question. “Why do you want to know?” Fuck being polite - I don’t even know this bitch.
Her strong stance never falters, “I’m her mother.” Okay, my jaw drops then, or at least it should have - I should’ve known. I’ve seen so many pictures of Mabel Kennedy in her prime years that I could have put two and two together but my slow ass just didn’t pay as much attention as I should’ve.
I smile, weakly. “Oh, I’m sorry, Ma’am!” I try to welcome her into my embrace but she refuses so I step back - well, fuck you too, bitch. Forgive me, but even when I try to be the better man…its never good enough. “Um, I sort of know your daughter.”
Her stony features run a shiver through my spine and I need to get as far away from her as possible - this bitch has me scared shitless, literally. “I remember you,” she speaks calmly, as if she has no care in the world, “you dated my other child, Maria.” When I open my mouth to speak, she quickly interrupts me, “I didn’t ask for you to comment - I speak, you listen.”
Who does this bitch think she’s talking to?
“Excuse me, Ma’am but-”
“Did you hear what I just said to you?” She interjects me and licks her lips quickly, “Sadie has issues, far too many to just have you add on to her list of problems.” I don’t understand where she’s getting at. “Stay away from her - I know about your ways and I won’t allow you to interfere with her affairs.”
Are we in third grade or something? Someone, please let me know. “Her affairs?” This is comedy for me, absolute comedy.
“Do you find this amusing, Mr. Timberlake?” She steps closer to me, her blue eyes shooting daggers of nothing but evil. “If I find out you so much as even look at my daughter or my other girls again - I’ll make your life a living hell, you pathetic, piece of scum.”
Wow, its nice to know you care so much…bitch.
“Mabel,” A man’s voice intrudes on our conversation and I let out of a sigh of relief at what I’m assuming is her husband - he seems out of breath and tired. “The girl up front said Sadie left a while ago - I wish we could-”
Mabel places her hand up, “Hush, Mr. Kennedy.” And to my dismay, the man silences himself - what a pussy. She turns her attention back to me. “Now, I expect for Sadie to never know about this conversation because I believe you’re at least smart enough to do what I instructed you and leave her alone.” She turns away from me and walks away and I’m left with the pussy and my thoughts.
“I’m sorry for my wife’s behavior.” The pussy interrupts my thoughts and I look to him - he seems depressed, embarrassed and sad all rolled into one man. Poor guy. He holds his hand out for me to shake and when I do, I notice he has a very strong grip. “You know Sadie?” I nod my head, and he lets go of my hand and a look of worry appears upon his features. “How is she?”
I smirk. This is his own child and he’s asking me how she’s doing - damn, their family really must be fucked up. I chew on my bottom lip, “I don’t know her that well, sir,” I shrug my shoulders, “but what I can say is that it seems like she has a big heart.”
The pussy nods his head and his green eyes seem lost in the past, remembering a time so long ago. “From the moment I first held her in my arms, I knew she was different from my other girls - Dee Dee has the quietest spirit but the most biggest soul.” He smiles and then shakes his head, “She never even called to let us know she came back home - I expected her not to call Mabel but…,” he then remembers he is relaying all of his personal information to me and he stops himself.
The bitch suddenly appears out of nowhere, “Mr. Kennedy, it is time to go.” She heads back to whatever planet she has fallen off of.
Pussy smiles at me apologetically and I’m not sure if he is sorry for his wife or sorry that he said too much to someone he doesn’t even know. “Don’t worry about my wife - she has a hard heart but in the end, she just wants what is best for her children.” He steps away from me and heads in the same direction his bitchy wife disappeared to and I let out a harsh breath.
Sadie’s family is fucking nuts - this is why I’m reassured that me talking to her is even more crucial than ever before; is it possible that she’s just as fucked up as me?
Maybe, my good luck is kicking in after all.
* * *
Maria clashes her drink into mine as she moves her hips to the rhythm of the music that is playing - I sip onto my Ginger Ale, slowly and watch the scene before me unfold in front of my eyes.
After the incident last night, Zora seemed to think it was best if we had a sisters’ night out at her place and forget the opposite sex for the weekend. I didn’t have a problem with this - it gave me an excuse not to talk to Trace, who had been blowing up my cell phone all morning.
All of my siblings are drunk except for Patrice, who seems to have been watching curiously all night long - I haven’t asked her what her deal is because frankly I just don’t want to know, but the looks she is giving me are making me very uneasy.
Zora is lying face down into the cushions of her white sofa, sleep and Maria seems to be the only one who is enjoying herself - which doesn’t surprise me.
“I fucking love booze,” She downs her drink and then throws her plastic onto the floor, her hips sway harder to the grind of the music and she closes her eyes. “You like booze, Patrice?”
My sister scoffs. “Bitch, don’t ask me stupid questions.”
Maria’s eyes open and she seems flushed, “You see how she talks to me, Sadie?” She moves her hips towards me and I lean back, away from her, smiling, “You’re not gonna come to my rescue, Dee Dee?”
I glance at Patrice briefly and quickly shake my head, this makes Patrice laugh with sudden joy before moves closer to me. “Don’t be scared of me, sis, I just wanted to see how long you could take me staring your ass down.”
I relax some and watch Maria dance, stupidly, in front of me. “Why you’re not drinking so much tonight?” I ask my sister beside me.
She shrugs her shoulders and her dark brown hair falls from her loose ponytail and frames her delicate features, she seems not to even notice this. “I didn’t want to be the butt of the jokes tomorrow morning, like I’m pretty sure Maria will most definitely be.”
Maria doesn’t notice us talking about her so I ask a random question. “How come you’re so hard on her?”
Patrice’s eyes soften and she half-smiles. “Maria is stuck in her own perfect world of no one can do wrong and she’s so fucking optimistic about everything - I’m a realist and I have to protect her from the reality.” She smirks, “You have Zora and Maria has me.”
I smile. I understand her - which surprises me that I caught on this quickly. “Makes sense.”
She sits up and lays her head against the side of the sofa, watching me, intently. “So, how was your date?”
I shrug my shoulders and glance away and without saying anything, Patrice whistles. “That bad, huh? Well, welcome to the club of sucky first dates.”
I shakes my head. “It wasn’t bad, really - we just sort of got distracted by something that was going on with his friend, Justin.” A smile appears upon my features, unknowingly.
Patrice’s eyes widen and she snorts. “This shit is classic. You have a thing for Justin?”
How can she know that? I’ll deny it - I’ll deny it to my grave. My smile falls and I scoff with fake disbelief. I’m not good with the whole lying thing so I wonder how this will turn out. “You’re so off, Patrice.”
She turns her gaze away from and folds her arms in front of chest, “Eh, whatever. I wasn’t born yesterday, baby sis - and the look you just got on your face when you said his name says it all.” Patrice smirks, her hazel eyes glowing with mischief. “I won’t tell Maria ’cause I know she’ll probably have a stroke or at least something of the sort.” Her soft giggles are like stabs to my ears as I cut my eyes away from her.
I need to work on concealing my emotions more - time to practice in front of the mirror for an hour or two. “How did I look?” I whisper, softly, terrified.
Patrice sits up then and moves closer, her hands touch mine and she seems ecstatic - it is as if she has found out a secret that she knows will be talk of the town or at least, the talk amongst us girls, but I doubt she’ll tell Maria such things right now.
I should be the one to make that step, not her.
“You looked happy, Dee Dee - you really did.” And now, I can’t help it - a smile reaches my lips once again and I don’t hide it - I can’t help it and I don’t understand it, either…just the thought of him makes me smile.
I must be losing my mind.
* * *
