From the movie, Fools Rush In
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and un break broken, it won't happen
“Where Does the Good Go?” - Tegan & Sara
“Because I love you, you idiot!”
Insert my a worthy smile right about now as I curl my legs beneath myself and increase the volume on the television screen; tonight I have secluded myself to my room with my junk food and my collection of the Gilmore Girls DVDs - to commemorate the ending of an era…it’s the end of this quick, witty drama that I have grown to adore.
Right now, I’m towards the end of Season One - thinking back to those days when this show first aired - teen girls my age were out trying to find boyfriends at the local mall and trying to get into Rated R movies by themselves; I, on the other hand, spent most of my nights locked away in my room either reading (of course without my mother’s knowledge) or watching some drama/comedy series on television.
Gilmore Girls is only one of the many shows I spent many of my nights fantasizing that I could one day be one of the main characters - Rory Gilmore, for example, had the perfect mother, perfect education and the perfect boyfriend in Season One, alone and I use to imagine myself being her one day, even though I knew I could never be capable of having a parent love me as much as Lorelai loved her daughter. You think I spend too much time dwelling into the lives of fictional characters?
I probably do. I guess it’s the fantasy that sucks me in - the idea that love conquers all is a secret desire of mine; movies live the fantasy for maybe two hours or so but television shows give the audience something to believe in every week.
As I move to my DVD player and remove the disc, I place another disc from Season Two into the player and press play - I’m giddy all of the sudden because I have four other seasons to watch before I am done with my Gilmore Girls celebration. I could never tell anyone I do this but it’s a ritual of mine - when a show I love is cancelled, instead of being sad, I celebrate the years that they’ve given me by watching each season of the show - it took me about two and half days to complete my party for Friends.
I curl back underneath my sheets and grab a fist full of potato chips, stuffing them in my mouth at one time, I chew loudly as my now greasy hands select an episode with the remote.
The past few days I’ve been so consumed with trying to avoid Trace and trying to stay away from my sisters’ prying questions that I haven’t thought of Justin - well, I’m not entirely telling the truth - I have thought about him, a lot, actually. I wonder if he is okay, I wonder if he is happy and sometimes I find myself wondering if he is thinking about me - but then I realize how absurd this sounds because if he really were thinking of me, he would’ve called, right? That’s what guys do when they’re interested - they call?
Frankly, this is the case, because Trace has continued to call me on a daily basis and I have continued to divert my attention away from him - I don’t want to hurt the guy but I also don’t want to lie to him, I’m not that kind of person, I never have been - but how can I honestly look him in the eyes and tell him that the first time I feel something for anyone it just happens to be his best friend? I’m not strong enough to do something like that.
Zora has kept her opinions to herself now, which worries me because she is the most outspoken person I’ve ever known and I know it is literally killing her to keep her thoughts to herself - but all she does now is shake her head when she sees that I am purposely ignoring Trace’s calls. I know she hasn’t been happy with me these last couple of days but I’ve to come to the conclusion that I can’t always please her - sometimes, I have to do things that she isn’t going to agree with - that’s just life.
A part of me has the urges to call Justin and find out the answers to my probing questions but I’m too frightened that he will turn me away and I can’t force myself to deal with that right now - I like him too much to let myself be let down by rejection right now. Of course, its still disappointing when I come home everyday and check the caller ID to see that he hasn’t called - I know I’m holding on to false hope, thinking that maybe I felt a connection that night at his place but I can’t help it - that night, I saw in his eyes, for a brief second, that he actually wanted me there…he needed me there. And since then, I’ve been clinging on to that memory because I need it to believe there is any chance of him and I ever being anything closely resembling friends.
I scoff. I’m gripping onto loose straws is what I’m doing - maybe my sister is right, I am too naïve for my own good. I can only see the potential in someone than to see their faults - I can only believe in the fairy tales because that is all I have ever known; none of it is real, and yet, I still keep believing. What kind of person does that? An idiot? An oblivious woman? I don’t know…I just don’t know.
“She likes Jess, doesn’t she?”
My eyes reach the screen now as I intake a deep breath of air - this is a powerful moment right then between Dean and Lorelai; Dean, Rory’s boyfriend, has finally begun to see that the girl he’s in love with and the girl he has spent most of his days with is falling for someone else before his eyes and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. I felt for him then because I know it has to hurt to slowly lose someone that means the world to you to someone who doesn’t truly deserve so much affection and devotion - but that’s the thing about love or at least what I’ve learned on television - we have the chance with the ones who care about us the most but we still are drawn to the ones that appear unattainable and we know it can only lead to heartache but yet, we still believe the impossible is nearly possible.
I sigh, loudly, licking my lips before I begin to tear the wrapper off of a Snickers bar and I take a chunk out of the chocolate candy, savoring the devilish taste. I haven’t eaten anything unhealthy for the past couple of weeks but now, I guess I’m back to my ways - when you’re around the opposite sex too much, you kind of forget about food. Why is this?
For me, its always been a personal struggle to not allow others to have the chance see me indulge in my weaknesses - I’m a target for easy attacks, everyone should know this by now - so why would I give anyone any extra incentive to make me feel any less of a strong, independent woman than I already am?
But now, I’m alone, with my thoughts and the only source of comfort right now is my DVDs and food - Kyle is with his friends and his mother is off to another date with the guy whose name I don’t remember. So I am really am alone and I absolutely love it - this is what has probably been the source of all my weird emotions, lately.
I’ve never been outside the comfort of my four bedroom walls and when someone is trying to make an effort to get to know me - I become this odd, very insecure girl; from now on, I will return to my old ways and live life the only way I know is the safest for me - I’m just not meant to understand the opposite sex and I have long ago accepted this.
The shrill ringing of my cell phone interrupts my thoughts and my fascination with my television screen and I push aside my goodie treats and retrieve my phone - I glance at the caller ID, with the roll my eyes, I press silent.
Its Trace, again - tonight is about returning to my old self and I don’t want nor do I need anyone trying to ruin this for me.
“If she chooses Noel, I’m jumping off a cliff.” My sister, Zora’s frame is laying in the thickness of my bed sheets and her comment throws me for a loop as I cut my eyes to her, questionably.
“You don’t mean that.” I whisper, pulling my Sponge bob pillow closer to the plumpness of my chest - my heart is pounding in my ears and I can hardly breathe. What is the cause of my discomfort?
I need to know if Felicity is going to choose Ben or Noel; this is no joke - my sister hates television, she despises it, but from the moment Scott Speedman graced this show…she has made an exception - for the past four years, she and I sit aside our Wednesday nights to bicker and argue over the crazy decisions of this young, college woman.
And tonight, its like ending an era - not only is tonight its final episode but it also marks the last few weeks I have left before I graduate from high school and leave this Godforsaken place; in other words, I’m happy. But I know Zora is dreading every day leading up to my departure - we’re two peas in a pod and I’m the only one she trusts with her son and she’s the only person I’ve ever trusted, period.
To lose her is something I haven’t quite grasped, yet - I choose not to, for now. I want to relish in the moments I have left with her and my nephew, Kyle - because they’ll be our last…I’m not coming back to this place ever again. My life doesn’t begin here - it ends. I wish I could take Zora and Kyle along with me but my dreams are my own - my sister is never going t-
“I so mean it!” She grabs a fist full of buttery popcorn from the brown bowl beneath us and stuffs her face, quickly. “Noel is a fucking loser.”
I scoff. “He’s amazing, Z.” I say, as I watch Felicity have flashbacks of her past - we must really be losers to be sitting around, arguing, about something that is fake - but I don’t care; it’s the optimism I love about shows, the probability that sometimes the dream man is capable of being in our everyday lives. “He loves her for who she is.”
Zora waves me off, her brown eyes find mine. “The only reason she’s even having to choose between the two is ‘cause Noel’s safe - its guaranteed that he’ll always be there, he won’t ever leave her-”
Okay, that’s a good thing. “That’s what a girl wants.”
“Let me finish, girl!” She pinches me in my side and a frown immediately graces my features - she’s pinching my fat and she knows I hate when people do that. “Don’t look at me like that!” A smile reaches her lips and I can’t help but return her happiness…she has that kind of effect on me. “Dee Dee, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you can already know your future with them? There’s no surprises, no mistakes, no journeys to go through together because you know what will be for the two of you before it even happens.” She smirks, “No one wants safety, Sadie.”
I pout. “She loves Noel, though.”
Zora nods her head and flips her strawberry blonde hair over her left shoulder, “Yeah, she does - she knows that if she chooses Noel he won’t hurt her but with Ben comes the unknown - she isn’t sure about her future with him, she doesn’t know what will become of them and that’s what love is - taking that risk.”
I chew on my bottom lip and widen my eyes, “That’s deep, Z.”
She giggles, pushing me slightly in the shoulder, “Yeah, I know - I saw someone say that shit on Oprah and I always wanted to say it!” I roll my eyes, “You know the real reason why she’s going to choose Ben, don’t you?”
I move my body closer to hers, leaning down to try to hear her better. “No…why?”
Zora smiles, mischievously. “’Cause she knows that’s the only way her kids are gonna come out smart but extremely hot,” she shakes her head, “if she decides to shack up with Noel…those poor babies don’t stand a chance in hell.”
The insistent pounding of knocks from the front door interrupts my dosing off state as I push myself up from my bed full of half-eaten candies and chocolates and I head to the door, wiping my weary eyes, gently - I don’t look through the peephole because I figure its my sister but I don’t question myself as to why she wouldn’t use her door key, instead, I open the door to be met with the one person I have been avoiding for the last few days.
Karma always comes back, it just does. I know I’m standing before him looking a fool - my hair is down but it’s a an absolute mess for I can’t even comb through it because of the mass of tangles and my Scooby Doo pajamas do not help my appearance one bit - a rush of heat reaches my cheeks as I step aside to let him into my humble home. My body is shaking now with fear because I’m not good with the lying thing - many years with my mother’s daggering, evil stare is the reasoning for this; under pressure, I either do two things - I buckle or I rise above the occasion.
Right now, I feel myself doing the sooner than the latter. He maneuvers himself into my home and I close the door behind him, leaning against the doorframe for support, I lick my lips quickly. What shall I say? How can I explain my behavior?
“Sorry to just show up like this, Sadie.” His voice interrupts my questioning thoughts and I glance to his much shorter figure and my heart aches - I can only imagine how furious he is with me. “I just got so worried cause you haven’t been returning my calls…I thought something had gone wrong.”
My palms become sweaty as I push my body away from the frame of the door and circle around him, inviting him to join me on my sister’s leather, black sofa - crossing my legs, I fold my arms in front of my chest and watch in silence as he stares blankly into his hands.
I’m mentally preparing myself for his rude outburst and accusations - I totally deserve it. “Sadie, I shouldn’t have brought you to Justin’s house that night,” He brings his gaze to my curious eyes and he holds out his hands for me to take - okay, I wasn’t expecting this, but I graciously slip my hands in between his and a smile graces my features as he entwines our fingers. “I know it wasn’t something you’ve been exposed to before and its my bad.”
My mouth hangs open now and I force myself to look away from his sincere gaze - if only he knew the truth. “T-Trace, its all right.” I whisper softly and I’m a taken back as his body moves closer to mine and he clears his throat, bringing my eyes back to his own.
He’s smiling - his brown eyes are dancing. “Scooby Doo, huh?” I cough, loudly. I swear my heart is about to burst out of my chest. “I got something like that back at the crib.” My eyes widen and he nods his head, “No lie! Anyway, you look cute, Sadie.”
I cut my eyes away from him. “Yeah, right.” I mumble to myself and to my relief, Trace doesn’t hear me.
His hands break away from mine and they now rest on my shoulders, “So, I wanted to know if we could have a make up first date? Something to salvage what went wrong the first time?”
I notice the giddiness in his voice and my heart sinks; moment of truth - what shall I do? Be true to my heart or make him happy? I lick my lips once again and try to change the subject, “Are you and Justin going to be okay?”
Trace rolls his eyes and shrugs his shoulders. “I honestly don’t know, Sadie.”
I cock my head to the side, “You can’t lose faith in him, Trace - he has to know you believe in him or he won’t try to do better.”
“I’m tired of believing.” He mutters, dejectedly.
I shake my head. No, don’t give up. “The other night - you fell asleep, Trace, your best friend was having a breakdown, and you went to sleep.” I suck in my bottom lip and sigh. “I know its hurting to see him like this but can you only imagine what he’s going through? See things through his perspective for once…he needs you, Trace and you need him, too.”
Trace’s brows raise in question and he folds his arms in front of his small, chest. “Didn’t know you cared so much.”
I immediately stand from my sitting position and pace the living room floor, trying not to let my nervousness visible to his eye. “I j-just want you and your friend to be able to work things out, that’s all.”
He stands from the sofa and moves closer to me and I step back, cautiously. “You’re so sweet, Sadie - you’ve got such a big heart.” His fingertips brush against my cheek and it sends chills down my spine and I close my eyes, briefly, “I can’t believe you let me be the one who gets to see how special you are.”
My brows furrow together in thought and I shake away from his touch - I can’t live a lie, I can’t risk losing those critical first kisses because of a lie. “Trace, t-this isn’t right.” I won’t allow myself to meet his eyes because I’m afraid I’ll buckle underneath myself and begin to cry with disdain.
Why don’t I want him? I know in the depths of me that he won’t hurt me, he’ll be everything I dreamed of and more…he’s safe - but that’s not what I want; he can’t be the potential of something great because I already know what lies ahead if I entertain this conception of him and I.
And if I ever do have the choice of falling in love, I want the unexpected…I want the unknown - Zora’s right, love is a risk, a leap of faith and if I succumb myself to Trace…I’ll be cowering away - I just can’t do that.
“I’m so sorry,” I mumble now, and somehow, between all of this, I have met his gaze and I’m shocked to see that he still has that silly grin upon his features and suddenly, I’m a bit worried. And kind of freaked out.
He cocks his head to the side, studying me. “Its someone else, huh?” I nod my head slowly, sadly, and he chuckles to himself, unbelieving what I have just revealed to him. “It all makes sense now. You were blowing me off…all of this time?” He’s still laughing, incredulously.
I scoff. “No, I-I just didn’t k-know how to tell you.” I say, truthfully, I chew on the inside of my mouth and wince when I taste my blood seep in between my teeth.
Trace’s laughter dies down, but he remains smiling. Is he a lunatic or something? “I can’t even be mad at you cause I know there’s not a fickle bone in your body,” he motions for me to enter his embrace, “I suppose I forced my feelings unto you?”
I shake my head into his shoulder and breathe in his scent, “N-No, you didn’t, I promise!” He laughs and I giggle, softly, “I just never felt anything for anybody and when you came along…I thought I could feel what you felt for me.”
He pulls back from our embrace and his brown eyes gleam. “No need to explain yourself, Sadie - the heart wants what it wants and as long as we can remain friends, I’ll be okay.” His eyes widen slightly, “We will still be friends, right?”
Not sure if you still want to be friends with me after you learn who I have feelings for. “Yeah, of course, Trace.” I place my hands on shoulders and smile. “I’m really sorry - I wanted to want you, I did.”
His lips graze my cheek quickly and I intake a deep breath, I’m still not used to the simple displays of affection from one person to another. “Its not the first time I’ve been turned down before,” He shakes his head, laughing, “usually, they turn me down for Justin.”
I choke, I laugh, and I want to scream as I excuse myself to the bathroom. I can’t breathe as I think of the many issues that can suddenly arise for my sudden admiration for the junkie - he, nor will Trace, ever know my true feelings.
Never.
* * *
Trace remained my company for another hour before I admitted to him and myself that our little encounter was cutting into my Gilmore Girls celebration - of course, he looked to me like I was out of my mind, but I didn’t care. A ritual is a ritual and I won’t break it for anyone.
So now, I lay underneath my covers, eager to begin my Season Three admiration as I check my phone to see if I missed any calls - I figure Zora has called, letting me know that she isn’t coming back home tonight and that I shouldn’t wait up for her.
I smile to myself - I can’t wait to meet the man that has my sister so happy, if she likes him, I know I’ll love him. I notice her number on the list of my missed calls but I dare not to return her call because I fear I might intrude upon something I truly do not want to - instead, I return the phone call of a number I just don’t recognize. And I’m nervous to say the least as the shrilling volume of rings echoes in my ear drums.
The waiting on the other end of the phone line has always made me uneasy - it’s the anticipation of if that person you’re calling will ever pick up and if they do…what do you say? I know, I’m really out of the loop when it comes down to the communications department.
“Hello?” A male’s groggy voice interjects my thoughts and almost immediately, my heartbeat increases. A man has called me? I shake my head - must have the wrong number.
Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
I sigh, lowering the volume on my television. “Someone called my phone earlier, but I think they had the wrong number,” I take a deep breath. “My name is Sadie - Sadie Kennedy.”
The man’s once groggy tone now becomes very clear and alert. “Sadie?” I frown. “Hey, um, its Justin.”
I almost spit out the chocolate doughnut I am now stuffing my face with, I said almost. Oh, God - shoot me now.
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
I thought I couldn’t breathe earlier, but now, I think I am having an asthma attack…and I don’t even have asthma! My face is beginning to get hot and breasts are now sweating - yuck, that’s never happened to me before. One thing I want to know is -
“How you get my number?” My voice sounds so much more in tact than what my body is feeling right now - good, I don’t need him to know he’s affecting me in any kind of way.
His breath is heavy over the line and I find myself clinging onto my phone - hoping he’ll hang up in my face but also praying he’ll stay on the line and talk…just talk. “You gave it to me the other night.” His laughter is like a beautiful melody to my ears. “Don’t you remember?”
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands
honor to love you
My mind races trying to piece together the events of the other night - and then it hits me, I had been so worried, so intent on making sure Justin would be okay that I gave him my number out of desperation - if he needed me, if he was scared, or if he just needed someone to talk to…he could call me. How could I forget I’d given him my number? Maybe because I was so sure he would never use it and now, here he is…surprising me yet again. Oh Lord, if only I drunk alcohol…I’d be so gone by now.
I lick my lips, slowly, trying to process my scattered thoughts. “Oh…,” I ramble off, the only thing I can hear now is the beating of my heart, its pounding in my ears. “I-I didn’t think you’d call.”
“Couldn’t help myself,” He says now and I choose not to say anything - I don’t what to mess up this moment in my mind, this perfect moment. “I wanted to thank you for being there-”
I shake my head, almost simultaneously, “You don’t have to thank me - I did what I thought was needed to be done.”
Still I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this with anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
He groans softly over the receiver and I continue to hold on tightly to the phone, I refuse to let it go for the life of me. “No, Sadie, you didn’t have to do it and you shouldn’t have done it.” My heart sinks now. “I’ve treated you like shit for so long and you saw me at my fucking lowest and you didn’t take advantage of it. You should have, Sadie!”
I close my eyes and lean my head against the wooden headboard of my bed, “I will never do anything like that, Justin.” I hear his sobs now and I become worried that’s he going to do something crazy again, I fear he has called me now to bid me his goodbyes. “Justin, are you all right?”
His sobs become more insistent now and I open my eyes, frightened. “Justin? Answer me!” I speak now, pushing the covers from my body and searching my room for my flip flops - I’m going over there now. I don’t care if he can’t stand me, I just won’t let him give up on himself - its just not going to happen.
I’m in the process of searching for my shoes in my closet when his weak voice reaches my soul, “I’m here, Sadie, I’m here.”
You've got this look I can't describe,
You make me feel I'm alive,
A heavy air of relief escapes me then and I place my free hand upon my pounding chest, my lips are trembling and hands are shaking - I’m so out of tone with my body right now but I’m so content with my ability to be able to comfort Justin that it shocks me - but I don’t question it.
“For the first time in a really long while,” his voice brings me back to reality and I crawl back into the coldness of my bed sheets and curl my body into a ball, listening, “I saw that someone wasn’t giving up on me and my heart was so full then…it was so full, I didn’t know what to do with my self.”
Tears glisten my eyelids as I force myself to remain silent because I feel as if I want to admit to my irrational feelings but I can’t do it.
When everything else is so au fait
Without a doubt you're on my side,
“Sadie, I was so unfair to you ‘cause you reminded me of someone,” I inhale a deep harsh breath of air now. “Someone I loved so much and when I lost them - I lost everything good about me…and seeing you didn’t do anything but make those old wounds so much more brand new.”
I pout, slightly. Well, that’s depressing - this only means I have to really separate myself from his life or I’ll only bring him more anguish. Great. But isn’t this what I wanted? I shake my head, I have no time to analyze everything to its breaking point. It is slowly making sense why he turned against me from the beginning but I’m still curious as to what happened to this person? What did he do to lose her? And how can I possibly remind him of some model like girlfriend?
“I’ll back off, Justin.” I whisper softly, closing my eyes.
He laughs gently and I frown - I don’t think anything is funny. “That’s the thing, Sadie - I don’t want you to.” My heart was sinking before but now its swelling to the point where I think its going to burst - I can’t stop the smile from appearing on my features - feels just like I’m in the movies.
Heaven has been away too long,
Can't find the words to write this song of your love,
“You made me realize that I can fight my demons and if you let me,” He sighs loudly over the receiver, “I want to be able to be a part of your life.”
Of course I’ll let you!. I scoff. “I guess, that’s fine.” I mumble, trying my best to sound disinterested - Zora has taught me one good thing - never let the opposite sex know that what they want is exactly what you want, too.
“Cool,” He pauses, suddenly and then speaks in a low tone that I have to strain to hear him, “You think Trace will be okay with this?”
I don’t hesitant. “We decided to just be friends.”
He remains quiet over the line and I become worried that maybe he suspects my feelings - okay, what do I do now? Oh, I need some help! “Really?” He sounds surprised, and something else that I don’t know to describe just yet.
Now I have come to understand the way it is,
It's not a secret anymore,
I sigh with relief and smile. “Yes, really.” I continue to whisper. Why? I’m really not sure.
Justin yawns and I giggle softly because I think it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard before in my life - I shake my head to rid these thoughts of mine. “Can I be honest with you, Sadie?”
I nod my head as if he can see me - stupid, I know. “You can.”
“Just now, with you telling me that…I can’t stop smiling.” Are you serious? Oh, I can die now - my life is complete. “What is that?”
You like me? Yeah, right. I groan inwardly and force myself to speak, “Nothing, Justin - its nothing.”
You know how sometimes you can tell if a person isn’t smiling on the other end of the line anymore? Well, that’s how I’m feeling right now - I can sense the smile slip from his face. “Yeah, you’re right - its nothing.”
'Cause we've been through that before,
From tonight I know that you're the only one,
I've been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand
“I think this is the start of something-”
His words are blocked out by the entrance of my sister in my room and I go on safety guard as I place my phone behind me and smile in her presence. “Hey, Z.” I try my best to sound as sleepy as they come but it doesn’t work cause she’s studying me long and hard.
“I don’t know why you’re trying to play like you just weren’t on the phone with somebody,” Her brown eyes dance with mischief and she shakes her hips, “Its Trace?”
I bite down on my lower lip and debate on telling her the truth - I can’t deal with the lectures tonight. “You know it,” She squeals with delight and my eyes widen, “be quiet, Z!”
Zora continues to do her little happy dance as she makes her way out of my room, “We have to double date,” She nods her head as if she is really agreeing to what she has just proposed. “Yes, next week - that’s what we’re going to do.”
Oh, isn’t that just peachy keen?
As she exits my room, I choose to worry about my sister’s proposition at a later time as I turn my focus onto my phone and I quickly raise it to my ear, worried. “Justin?”
I hear the groggy voice now and I’m disappointed because I’m sure he’s really tired - thank you so much, Zora. “Yeah?”
“I’ll let you go.” I wonder what he said earlier, maybe its best that I don’t know? Oh, I can’t help, I have to know. “Justin, what did you say before now?”
He coughs softly and then breathes heavily over the receiver, and I’m convinced he is asleep until his voice surprises me. “I said I feel like this is a start of a really good friendship.”
Oh, friendship - whatever.
I scoff. “Um, all right then.” I shouldn’t get my hopes up. “Goodnight, Justin.”
Justin sighs heavily and I close my phone as I hear him whisper, tiredly, “I’ll be seeing you, Sadie Kennedy.”
I don’t know what exactly has just happened but all I do know is that I can’t stop thinking of the moment until I do see him again - oh, what a day that will be.
* * *
Song Credit:
Like A Star - Corinne Bailey Rae
