Source: Unknown
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I’m calling out to you
Singing someday it’ll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself home to you
“Sunday Morning” - Maroon 5
“You happy?” Her timid, soft voice awakens me from my dream like daze and I glance to her sleeping form of a body curled underneath the hotel sheets, clinging onto the satin white pillow for dear life, a fragile smile is dancing on her full lips.
God, she’s amazing - looking at my love is like I’m seeing her for the first time every day; if my friends knew how much of a love sick sap she has made me, I’ll never hear the end of it, but truthfully so, I don’t care - I want to shout to the top of my lungs of my infatuation of her and it literally is killing me to know that there is no possible way that I can do it, for now, at least.
I pause my motions of unpacking my clothes from my suitcase to move to the edge of the bed, I try to grab a hold of her feet, but she pushes me away, laughing. She is so sensitive when it comes to her feet that I just play with her because I love seeing the childish side of her emerge. “I’m happy you came with me.” I whisper, honestly.
Her green eyes turn away from my view and she sighs, loudly - I’m pretty sure she’s pondering something over in her mind right now and debating on if she should speak her mind to me, yes, I do know her this well without having to actually say words. “Are you really?” The doubt is evident in her voice and my heart sinks because I know I have placed the uneasiness in her soul.
I lay my body down beside hers and wrap my arm around the torso of her waist, pulling her nearer to me - I need to feel the warmth of her, the heat of her body next to mine is all I want. “Hey,” her blonde hair falls over her eyes as she glances at me, suspiciously and a smile slowly etches onto my face, my heart is pounding in my ears and I can hardly breathe…this is a consistent thing that happens to me when I’m around her essence, her beauty. “You know I am, Ty - babe, I promise, this is only going to last for a couple of months.”
She is now warming up to me because she places her hands upon my bare chest, her freshly manicured nails rub against my flesh, gently, arousing me, even though I know she is not meaning for it to; her full, pink lips brush against my cheek and I shiver, loving how she can send me into a frenzy just by the rare touches onto my skin. “I believe you, Justin.” Tyler runs her fingers through her long, thick blonde hair, forcing the extra few strands from her face, “Sometimes, I just can’t believe you agreed to do this.”
I cut my eyes away from hers and I groan; sometimes, I can’t believe I agreed to do this, too. Singing is my dream and I’ve always been used to doing it in local clubs or just selling my music from the trunk of my car - as long as I get it out there, I’m happy…but here comes Ken Davis and his promises of big record deals, selling out concerts, and millions of dollars upfront that I lost track of the simplest things.
I never thought my dream will have to cost me my love, though, and I certainly never believed that if I had to sacrifice Tyler for my music, I would do it - and yet, here I am, lying to the very small amount of fans that I have that I’m not in love, I’m not with anyone…I haven’t met my soul mate. Its all bullshit and I must be shallow to let Ken convince me that by announcing my relationship with Tyler so early in my career can be deadly and I know why he feels this way… it has to do with her weight.
She isn’t small, at all - but I never cared for that, at least not with Tyler - she is so much more than the extra skin on her body…she’s the love of my life; I’m only twenty, but I know that this is it for me, I’m through searching, I’ve found my everything.
Tyler, of course, never was happy about the arrangement of now keeping our one and half year relationship a secret but she has chosen to do it, anyway - because she loves me, and I know sometimes its hard for her to even do this, knowing all of the things that I have asked her to compromise with in the past couple of months. I know sometimes she must hate me but she never voices her distaste, instead, she waits in the background for me to finish my lies to the media circuit and holds her arms out for me to embrace.
This has to be unconditional love, it just has to be - and I promised her and myself that after I get my first album out to the public, there is going to be no more denying my love for her. This is when I will ask her to marry me and make me the happiest man alive - I’m too head over heels in love, this I do know, but I can’t help it…to find true love doesn’t come often and I just don’t want to lose it…I refuse to.
I kiss her nose and she giggles, “Baby, I’m sorry, all right?” She nods her head slowly and closes her eyes and I place my hands onto her bare hips - Tyler is quick to forgive, she doesn’t hold grudges because her heart is filled with only love and forgiveness.
I’m pathetic, aren’t I? Shit, well I’m in love! Deal with it!
She’s giggling now and pushing my body away from hers, “Binky, binky, binky,” she shakes her head as my face turns red as my little friend becomes extremely happy, “It’s not getting that good, buddy.”
I hold on tightly to her hips and push her walls against me, her eyes open quickly and she is now frowning, “Justin, stop.” I immediately drop my hands from flesh and back away - I don’t know what I was thinking and guilt consumes my body whole. “You know I’m not healed it.” She says this low, menacing - she’s upset with me.
If it were possible, I literally would kick myself in the ass. I’m so fucking stupid. “Shit, Ty, I’m sor-”
She scoffs. “You’re sorry, I know.” She pushes herself from the bed and pulls her red nightgown down over her thighs as she lazily walks over to her black night bag that’s lying on the floor and proceeds to search for something. “Justin, how can you possibly forget that I just lost our baby last week?” Her green eyes cut at me then and I place my head into my hands, groaning inwardly.
Dumbass - I’m a complete dumbass; a month ago, we learned we were going to be parents, my whole reaction to this was being thrilled - to share a life with Tyler will be my greatest accomplishment. She, on the other hand, has been apprehension about the notion of becoming a mother since day one - she didn’t believe I will truly be with her when it is all said and done, but I’m not the type to run away from a problem, I wasn’t raised that way.
Tyler and I have known each other since we were children and I could never abandon her nor would I want to; Ken immediately had been against the pregnancy - Tyler and I were denying being together…so what would it seem like for her to be carrying my child? Ken had his good points but abortion was out of the question, at least from my standpoint it was - Tyler agreed with him on this issue, which did nothing but confuse me.
I wouldn’t tolerate it, though - I could hide my relationship but I wouldn’t kill a life that I’m part of the reason of it being there, I just won’t do it. Maybe it had been the stress of the lies we kept telling everyone else, maybe it was the doubt she had pressing on her soul of my true devotion for her, I don’t know what the hell it was but it all came crashing down to a halt last Sunday.
Last rainy Sunday morning, she called me from Tennessee, crying, weeping, sobbing - I couldn’t think of anything but something had to be terribly wrong with our baby, our precious baby and God help me, there was; she had awoken to blood seeping between her clothes and trailing down her thighs that she didn’t think of calling me, didn’t think of pulling me away from one of my latest studio sessions in New York, instead she curled herself into a ball in the middle of her bathroom floor and just cried.
Her mother found her there - unconscious. The doctors say that if she had came to them as soon as she had notice the blood, there would’ve been a chance for our child to survive - Tyler waited too late and forgive me for thinking this, but I feel she did it on purpose.
She never wanted a baby, and she didn’t want another reason to cling me to her, so this was her chance to escape and she jumped to it without hesitation, without thought, without thinking of me.
And so now, I haven’t been able to wrap my mind around the process of one day being an almost father and then the next, losing my unborn child because if I think of this, I slowly begin to find myself turning against the one woman I’ve ever loved and I don’t want this to happen - I love her too much to let this setback derail our future.
But this setback is the death of our child and I haven’t yet truly grieved, yet - maybe, it’s a good thing that the only other person who had any clue that Tyler was pregnant is my agent, Ken. Yeah, I guess we got off lucky. Maybe it’s a sign that we aren’t meant to be parents right now? What the fuck ever - I don’t believe shit that I’m saying right now.
I hear her burp and I raise my head from hands and see that she is downing a glass of water, her eyes wide and clear, alert. “What’s that you just took?” I ask, knowing full well she has just downed something because she has this pinched look on her features - she only looks like this when she’s taking pills…she hates taking pills.
Tyler rests the plastic cup on the round, metal table before and holds the prescription bottle up to my view, “Pain killers.” She mumbles, rolling her eyes.
I stand from my lying position the bed and hold my hand out, “Let me have a few.”
Her thick, brown brows raise in question. “Why?” I don’t say anything and she chooses to not question me, instead, she hands me the bottle and walks around me, shaking her head. “You know you can talk to me, J,” I hear her sigh, loudly, “I’m hurting, too, you know.”
I scoff. Yeah, I bet. “I can really tell you are.” I mutter to myself as my hands begin to shake, nervously and I open the bottle quickly - shaking one pill into the palm of my hand, I know I need more to try to erase the numbing feeling of pain edging its way into my heart, so I shake about three more into my hand and close the bottle.
My eyes roam over the four white pills in my hand and suddenly, tears cloud my vision and I’m terrified of the pain so I force the substance down my throat without any liquid and fall to my knees, the guilt and the aching feeling of loss succumbing me now.
Tyler might not care, but I do, I so do and all I want now is for the pain to go away, just slip from my veins and from my memory, never to be felt or thought of again.
She moves underneath me and moans seductively as her hands run over my bare chest and I roll my eyes at this because I can’t believe what I’m doing - my stupid ass has done it again. I’ve the fucked the one person who gets under my skin, and I say this in a bad way - this bitch has me wrapped around her little finger and I don’t know why.
What the hell is it about her that I can’t seem to let go? Her pussy is nice but not that nice - I have such low standards; all I remember is seeing Tyler’s face in my dreams and awakening to see this woman giving me an amazingly good blow job. I’m just a pathetic excuse for a man.
“Justin…,” Sara Jean moans softly, her legs wrap around my waist and she positions herself so that my erection enters her walls easily, I don’t oblige to this as my eyes close and I don’t move ‘cause I really don’t want to fuck the girl anymore - I mean, there’s nothing really wrong with her, I just…I just want more for myself - she’s an easy lay, that’s why I’ve fucked with her so long, she gives it up way too easily. And I love it.
As her hips begin to move with sensual rhythm, I am immediately alert and it takes every ounce of power in me to pull out of her and move to the side of the warmth of her body - she tries to wrap her arms around me and I push her away. I scowl. “Don’t.”
Her blonde hair is pulled away from her face and her blue eyes were once lightened but now are darkened with sadness, “Okay,” She whispers gently, her nude body moves a few more inches from mine and I’m secretly delighted at this. Finally, her stupid ass is getting the picture. “I ain’t all that bright,” No shit, Sherlock. “I’m too needy,” Yeah, your ass most definitely is, “But I still deserve respect.”
I frown. I didn’t expect her to say this - she never confronts me about anything, I’m so used to talking to her any way that I like that now this is taking me for a loop…she is actually standing up for herself. “Um, ok.” I mutter, propping my head up by my left hand.
She pulls the covers over her bare breasts and stares blankly into her hands, “I know you don’t like me but I’m still the girl you call every other night to lay up with you in your bed,” Her eyes find mine and I’m shocked to see unshed tears. What the fuck is going on here? “Just don’t call me anymore, all right?” She entangles herself from my sheets and I lean my head against my headboard, confused.
“We fuck, Sara Jean - that’s what we do.” I say, slowly.
She’s slipping into her mini red dress and is grabbing her purse, shaking her head, “No, Justin - that’s what you do.” Her lips purse in thought, “I’m a momma and I ain’t supposed to be playing games with nobody but my kids…so I’m done playing with you.”
What a slap to the face - I’m getting dumped by the town slut and I shouldn’t give a fuck but somehow, I do. “Sara Jean,” I call as she moves out of my room and I hurriedly rush out of my bed, bare ass and all, “let me give you a ride back home, please.”
Sara Jean smirks, “No, that’s okay, you ain’t ever took me home before and I don’t want you to start now.” She clings on tightly to her wool purse and smiles half-heartedly, “Justin, do me a favor, will you?”
I shrug my shoulders. “What?”
She moves closer to me, not even fazed by me standing before her, naked. “Try to find another way to heal what’s hurting you because right now, you’re not only hurting yourself but you hurting everyone around you, too.”
My heart aches, suddenly. “Did I hurt you?”
A tear slips from her left eye but she quickly wipes it away and shrugs her shoulders, hopelessly, “Does it matter?” When I don’t respond, she nods her head and steps away from me, “It’s okay, Justin - I’m part to blame…but the only reason I kept this charade up with you is cause I thought I could help you, but I can’t.”
I try to move closer to her but she backs away, throwing her hands up, as if to say, she surrenders. “Try to find peace, Justin, all right? Just please find some peace.” And she turns away from me and walks away.
I feel nauseous and the image of Sadie enters my mind and I almost instantly feel at ease. Weird, huh? I need to see her, no…I want to see her, and I have to see her. It’s too shocking to process but she brings me peace.
* * *
“I hate her,” Patrice mumbles, roughly, while handing me a file of papers and a calculator.
I take it, even though I only stopped by their working habitant to say hello and now, I’m calculating bills for them - yeah, thanks for asking me first, you guys, thanks so much. Truthfully, I don’t really mind, I have nothing better to do, well, actually I do, I want to be reading Hamlet and thinking about the daily implications of nasty incest that goes along with this play but I guess that will have to wait another day.
Oh, the exciting life that I live! “She’s our mother, Patrice,” Maria speaks now, her voice is taunting as her eyes focus on the computer screen before her.
Zora decided not to come into work today, claiming she felt ill but I don’t believe this for a second because the moment I left the house, she was dancing around in her pajamas singing “I Will Survive” - I just figure she’s trying to find a way to have another date with her mystery man.
I’ve decided to stay to myself when it relates to the discussion of my mother because I haven’t let any of my siblings know that I’ve seen our mother and have spoken to her and now I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m really no longer her daughter - how can I be when she treats me like absolute trash?
I debated on discussing my issues with my mother on the phone with Justin last night - okay, let me backtrack…for the past week, I’ve secretly been talking to Justin and when I say secret, I mean, I’ve been lying to Zora claiming I’m having conversations with Trace, when in truth, its been his best friend. I feel low, completely low, that I have to go behind my sister’s back to hide the fact that I’m talking to the one person she wants me to stay away from.
I know its wrong for me to indulge in this, but I can’t stop myself - talking to him this past week has been the most fulfilling thrill, I’m so serious right now - with Trace, I feel adoration from him to me but with Justin, everything he says, every time he laughs, even when he speaks my name…its heaven to me.
I’m losing my mind, I’m seriously losing it; our phone conversations haven’t lasted more than twenty minutes at the most and we don’t talk about anything important, just silly things like our favorite episode of The Office, or the weather (okay, I don’t know how the weather is silly but I had to throw something in there) but anyway, I love this side of myself when I talk to him - he brings out a part of me that I never thought existed…with him, I believe I can be normal, I believe I can be just like the other girls, I believe I can be like my sisters - I believe I’m pretty.
Its stupid to base all these emotions on silly dialogue between Justin and I but I’ve never felt these feelings before, never felt like I could be somebody to someone ’till now - okay, I’m getting way ahead of myself, I need to focus on what is important to me - becoming a teacher is important to me, keeping my relationship with sisters strong is important, falling in love with the town junkie is definitely not important.
I just need to get over this crush, already - Justin and I are trying to be friends and friends is what we will remain, well, at least till I start working because then, I have to break all ties with him - I refuse to lose my job because I’m associating with the town junkie.
“That doesn’t mean shit to me,” Patrice is speaking; her voice is loud, adamant. “Who does she think she is trying to blackmail Jade?”
At the mention of my eldest sibling, I become alert. “You talk to Jade?”
Patrice cuts her eyes at me, smirking. “No…,” She draws this word out slowly, deliberately and I raise my brows in confusion, she laughs. “She sent me an email - our mother has been threatening to reveal some secret to the press if she ever tried to get in contact with us.”
Maria doesn’t seem, at all, fazed by this information, instead she continues typing on her computer, “Our mother is a witch - I don’t expect anything less from her.”
My eyes widen, I can’t believe my mother would do this - all these years, I thought Jade wanted nothing to do with any of us and it’s because of my mother? I nod my head slowly, of course my mother would play a part in this, her dirty mind should never surprise me but it continually does - how can a person be so manipulative, so wrong?
“What’s the secret?” I whisper now, as if Jade is in the room.
My sister rolls her eyes, “If I knew what it was, I wouldn’t be calling it a secret, Dee Dee,” She folds her arms in front of her chest, “Anyway, she says she’s quitting the business and heading back out here next week sometime, I think.”
I’m elated! My sister is coming home! The one person I admired so much as a child is returning and I cannot wait - I want to tell Zora but I figure she’ll be eagerly pissed at the notion that Jade would even have the nerve to show her face in this side of town ever again. “Why aren’t you guys happy?”
Maria glances away from the computer screen to look at me, “All of us haven’t been together in one place in ten years - there are a lot of things that is unfinished between Jade and the rest of us.” She purses her lips, “I’ll be happy once I know for sure that’s she okay.”
Patrice scoffs, “I’ll be happy when our bitch of a mother stops thinking she can run our lives.”
I blink, rapidly. “Um, so…does Zora know?”
Maria shakes her head, quickly. “No, and don’t tell her right now, Dee Dee - she’s not gonna be happy, at all.” Her hazel eyes are penetrating through me, studying me. “Promise me you won’t.”
Here is another lie I’m going to be giving my best friend - I don’t think Zora is going to want me to stay in her home after all of this is revealed; she’ll feel like I have betrayed her and really, I will have. I feel so beneath myself right now, I’m such a horrible person for doing this to her, I truly am.
But I don’t voice my opinions, I nod my head in agreement and sigh with relief when my cell vibrates against my right hip, pushing the papers off of my lap and onto the desk before, a eager smile forms on my features as I notice Justin’s number - my heart jumps in my throat as I stand from my sitting position and head to the hallway, away from sisters’ curious stares and probing questions.
“Hello?” I’m out of breath as I enter the women’s restroom and hide myself in one of the stalls, pulling the toilet seat cover down; I sit on it and cross my legs, nervous.
I hear him breathing hard over the line, also and I’m instantly worried that maybe he isn’t okay, “Sadie, I want to see you,” Okay, now my heart is pounding in my ears and palms are beginning to sweat. “Can I see you tonight?”
We only talk on the phone, we don’t meet - I never thought of the possibility of being in his presence, alone and now, here we are, the opportunity is there and I’m so afraid to take it, so afraid to be alone with him and have my feelings be so raw, so exposed - I’m afraid that he’ll see through me before I even open my mouth, he’ll know how I feel before I even have the chance to deny it.
All these lies are taking its toll on me; I want to be done with it all. Push, pull, strike, or kill, I just it to go away - okay, that’s just horrible I just referenced myself to a song…I’m so overwhelmed with emotions I don’t recognize - God, help me.
“Uh, um,” My mind is a jumble full of thoughts, “where?”
His laugh warms my heart and I find myself calming down a bit. “Anywhere, Sadie,” I can hear him smiling - weird, how can you know someone is smiling over the phone? I just know. “Anywhere that I can see you.”
Heat rushes to my cheeks and I lick my lips, slowly - I’m so flying in heaven right now. “T-This is surreal to me - I can’t believe this is happening.”
Justin chuckles. “We’re trying the friend’s thing, right? Friends see each other when they need one another, Sadie.”
Oh, right - the friend’s thing, whatever, I need to once again direct my focus away from this man.
“That makes sense,” I mutter, rolling my eyes - I’m offended for some odd reason, I feel myself becoming hot with anger; this never happens to me, I don’t get angry, I don’t throw temper tantrums - I’m not myself when I’m around this guy. “Okay, then.”
“Cool - Trace is going to swing by your place and get you ’round seven, is that fine?” I don’t really comprehend anything that he is saying except the fact that Trace is coming by my house - great, we’re going to be the three musketeers, I shake my head, and I rather not be.
I’m tired of lying if I don’t have to, so I’m honest for a change. “Um, I think I’ll pass this time around.” I don’t want to talk to him anymore - I can never admit my feelings for him so what is the point of me indulging myself in his presence if I’m only going to look like a fool for not being upfront with him? “I have to go.” I don’t wait for him to respond as I quickly hang up my phone and exit the restroom stall.
Enough is enough - I’m moving on from something I never should have tried to explore in the first place.
* * *
I hate thunderstorms - since I was a little girl, thunder and lightening has scared me into an absolute frenzy; I use to turn to Zora for comfort from the storms but now, I’m a grown woman and my sister isn’t going to allow that mess to happen or more importantly, she isn‘t even here, so I lay curl underneath the sheets on my bed, tears streaming down my cheeks. I’m so afraid right now, I wish Kyle were here so that I can engulf myself with his little tiny frame, but he isn’t here and so I find comfort in humming.
Even though, my mother is so horribly bad, she has her few good points - one plus, she knew storms literally terrified to the extent that I would urinate in my bed, while I’m awake so she’d climb into my comforter, pull me close, and hum me a lullaby while stroking my hair. It seems so pointless now, so unimportant, but then, it meant a great deal to me because it had been the only thing to calm my fears, maybe it was more dealing with the notion that my mother actually acted as a mother in those few moments that calmed me the most - who knows? But now, I hum, I hum ’till the tears stop flowing, I hum ’till I drown out the lightening with my own voice, I hum ’till I can stop hearing my heart pounding in my ears, I hum ’till my body stops jerking, I hum ’till I am at a peace with myself.
My phone vibrates beside me and I roll my eyes, dramatically - it is two in the morning, who in their right mind will be trying to talk to me? I glance and see that it is a text message from Justin; he is asking me if I’m at home and if I’m awake - why does he care?
I scoff, he cares cause he’s trying to be my friend - yeah, whatever. I’m surprised by my attitude but I don’t really care how I’m acting right now, I’m more fed up with myself for lying to Zora and I want to just come clean before I do damage to the one relationship that means absolutely everything to me.
I respond and tell him I am at home and I am awake and that it doesn’t matter if he calls my house phone because my sister isn’t here - right at this moment, I have decided I will tell my sister of my talks with Justin because this doesn’t even make me feel good without her knowing.
As the thunder subsides, I wipe my dry tears from my cheeks and push the covers from my body - I’m hot and sweaty and what I want more than anything is to get into the shower and wash all of this filth from my flesh but first, I want chocolate. I move myself to the kitchen and turn on the lights in the house while walking, only to be stopped in my tracks by a knock at the front door.
I’m scared out of my mind - my eyes are probably bulging out of my head right about now and I know almost wet my pants from terror, but then I relax, knowing once again that most likely its my sister or Trace - either one will be good company, I guess - I shrug my shoulders and move towards the door, opening it, quickly, without once again looking through the peephole.
This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
So, tell me now, as I stand here, hair in a ponytail, a huge white T-shirt covering my obese body, why Justin is standing in front of me, his body drenched in water, smiling? I almost slam the door in his face because I didn’t know who exactly it was - it could’ve been a mad man, it could’ve been a murderer and somehow, I rather see anyone else but this man before me.
I don’t welcome him into my house - because he wouldn’t be welcome if Zora was here, and I don’t want to disrespect her anymore than I have so I step out into the pouring rain, immediately the droplets are splattering across my face, soaking me whole.
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
I’m blinking rapidly because I can barely see - I don’t feel happy, my heart’s not pounding uncontrollably, I don’t have the urge to smile while standing in front of him - I just want him to go away and leave me alone. Am I being too harsh? Strands of my hair is now sticking to my face and white shirt is plastered against my body, at least I have undergarments on (okay, really, though, who calls them that anymore?).
I still fold my arms in front of my chest, protectively. “What the hell are you doing here?” As these words tumble from my lips, my eyes widen and I can’t believe what I’m saying, can’t believe I had the never to say this to someone but then I realize I truly do not care because this is how I feel - I’m upset, probably for the first time in my entire life, I’m upset.
It really irks me that he continues to smile, and his eyes dance with mischief. “Trace told me, Sadie.”
I roll my eyes - I’m so not in the mood for any guessing games, its raining cats and dogs out here and I’m going to get pneumonia standing out here with no shoes on - I don’t give a damn what Trace has said and I mean this from my heart - I just don’t care! Where is my sister? “Told you what?”
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
He steps closer to me and he doesn’t seem at least bit bothered by the rain as he breathes deeply, and glances away from my gaze to look at something in the street - weirdo. “You don’t want to be with him ‘because you have feelings for someone else.” He turns his gaze back to me now and I’m standing here, mouth open now - I want to die.
Shoot me, kill me, please. I am not joking - someone please kill me.
“Um, uh, yeah.” Okay, so I’m not going to deny that part of the truth - I never told Trace who I had feelings for! Boys are idiots - now, I understand why I’ve never dealt with any of them, and they’re all losers.
He licks his wet lips, “Sadie,” I wipe the water from my eyes as the rain lets up and rub my arms, nervously. What to do? What to do now? “I wasn’t born yesterday.”
I humph. “Well, neither was I.” I mumble underneath my breath, pushing my thick strands of damp hair out of my face.
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on
Why am I so calm right now? And why isn’t my sister here to rescue me from Satan? I push my body up against the doorframe and breathe deeply as he continues to stare - I wish he will stop looking at me like that.
“Maybe we aren’t meant to be friends,” He speaks slowly, his wet hands are now touching my cheeks, sending a bolt of shivers down my spine, and I cannot think clearly, all of the sudden, all I can seem to focus on his clear blue eyes and that gorgeous smile of his and how its all directed to me.
I gulp my saliva, petrified. “W-We aren’t?”
Justin shakes his head, stepping closer, closing the distance between our two bodies, his hands fall to my own and he entwines our fingers, our slippery hands cling onto one another for dear life. “No, I don’t think so, Sadie.” My heart drops, well, leave me alone, then!
Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife, oh yeah
I cough and cut my eyes away from his stare, “Well, I guess that’s okay.” It’s not like we have the best chemistry in the world, anyway.
He ducks his head so that he can meet my gaze and I jump back. “See, I figure, if I put all my energy into trying to hate someone, then something must be there that I don’t want to fess up to.” He rubs my arms, affectionately, or at least, I think he is. “Something that is more than just friendship.”
I watch him closely, studying his body language, studying his eyes (which don’t ever seem to look away from me) and my body is slowly becoming JELL-O, I cannot believe this is happening - more importantly, I can’t believe this is happening to me. “What is it?”
He smirks. “You know what it is, Sadie.”
If you love me got to know for sure
Cause it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
I’m going back and forth with him anymore; I’m too tired for this stuff. “What exactly do you want, Justin? I’m sleepy.”
His hands are now at the base of my neck, rubbing my tenses and a feeling of heat rises below me and I close my eyes briefly, I’ve never felt that way before, I shake my head to rid the feeling - that was weird. “I keep fucking up, I keep hurting people but these last few weeks, just being in your presence has made me believe I can be a better man.” He exhales, loudly, “You make me want to try again, Sadie - so I’m going to try, and I just wanted you to be the first person to know that.”
I fight the urge to roll my eyes - he could’ve told me this in the morning, but I’m still happy for him. “Well, that’s great, Justin.” I move away from him, “I’m going to sleep now.”
He chuckles before grabbing a hold of my left hand and pulling me back, causing me to widen my eyes in fear. “There’s something else I needed you to know.”
I sigh. “What?”
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
Our bodies are wet and sticky and I wish he’d just let me go but he keeps smiling like some idiot and if I end up getting really sick because of this stupid charade he has going on right now - I’m going to be on a vengeance, that’s for sure.
“You told me that night you were there trying to help me,” He pulls me closer to him, my chest is basically plastered against his abdomen and I’m becoming really self-conscious. What exactly is he trying to do to me?
I roll my eyes. “Yes, I did.” I squirm in his arms, “Now, can you please let me go?”
He bends his head down, his cool breath hovering over my face, taunting me, “Please, Sadie, give me a chance to return the favor.” Get away from me, you pervert is what I want to say but I can’t get the words to come out because by now this lunatic has crashed his mouth of top of mine - wait, he’s kissing me! My first kiss…I’m having my first kiss and I’m doing nothing but thinking about it, okay, what do I do?
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This moment has been embedded in my mind for so long and I’ve convinced myself it’ll never happen, not possible - but here it is, and my eyes are open, my arms are down by my sides and I stand confused, emotionless. It has taken me completely by surprise and before I can truly react, he breaks this suck-worthy kiss and I’m glad for it.
But then my heart aches…I’ve been waiting twenty-two years for this sorry excuse for a kiss? I cannot believe this, and the look on his face proves that he can’t believe this - yeah, buddy, you suck at it. Or maybe it’s just me? I sigh and shake my head - now, there is no way to be friends with him now, he has definitely ruined my views of him and believe me, and the crush has vanished.
“Well, all right, then.” I say, softly, sort of disappointed. “I think I’m go-”
He cuts me off by taking me back into his embrace and his lips once again find mine, this time I close my eyes, because I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt - I mean, I only get this once in a lifetime and its suppose to be special, dammit! Maybe it’s because my eyes are now closed but his lips are tender, soft, and so gentle and he isn’t urgent or in a rush, it’s more of those savory types of kisses you see on the movies, the kind of kisses that you know go on and on forever.
I step closer to him because I can hardly breathe now, my heart is pounding in my ears now, my palms are sweaty as I shakily move them to his face, because I see this stuff in the movies so I’m thinking it’s the best thing to do - he breaks the kiss, briefly, to peck me softly on the mouth, one, two, three times before taking my bottom lip into his mouth, sucking on it profusely causing the heat from below me to surface once again and I hold tighter to his flesh, feeling the droplets of rain splatter onto my forehead, but I don’t mind. His thick arms wrap around my waist, edging me to my toes as he lets go of my bottom lip and runs his tongue over the outside of my lips, slowly and I’m breathing heavily now.
Have I died and gone to heaven? Am I dreaming? Is this really happening? I step back as he tries to probe open my mouth with his tongue - this is happening way too fast, I stumble backward and my hands immediately fall to my head, its pounding.
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
Opening my eyes, I see him staring, not at me, but at the sky above, at the rain once again falling onto us and I’m speechless, breathless, motionless - fifteen minutes ago, I was crying my eyes out in my bedroom and now, I’ve just experienced the worst and the best kiss of my life in the span of five minutes. I don’t know where to begin, where do I start?
Maybe he’s towing with my feelings and emotions - maybe, he just wanted to be the first guy to kiss me, whatever it is…I’m on a high and I can’t come down - this enormous smile hurts me so much but I can’t get it to fall away from my features - he has made me happy, so very happy.
I don’t know what to do with myself now? I don’t know what to say to him - “Sadie,” he moans gently, his blue eyes now resting on me and I notice his swollen, red lips and I wonder if mine are the same - my fingers touch my mouth and I shiver with the memory of his lips against mine, sucking me in, pulling me in, never letting me go until I force him to.
So who’s to worry
If our hearts get torn
I find myself shaking my head slowly; find myself having courage to speak. “Don’t say anything,” I whisper softly, my eyes watering, but I’m glad it’s raining so he won’t be able to notice. “I just want to remember this moment, please don’t say anything.” He’s realized he has made a huge mistake by kissing me, I know this, but I don’t want to think about that right now.
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
I can only fathom the happiness I feel - I never thought this will ever happen to me and now that it has and all I want to do is savor it cause I know it’ll never happen again, and I’m okay with that. In that one moment, I proved my sisters wrong, I got my fairy tale ending for about five minutes and that’s all I need to last me a lifetime - that’s all I’ll ever need.
This years love had better last
* * *
Song Credit:
This Years Love - David Gray
