Source: Unknown
Now I may have faith to make mountains fall
But if I lack love then I am nothing at all
I can give away everything I possess
But left without love then I have no happiness
I know I'm imperfect
and not without sin
But now that I am older all childish things end
"Tell Him" by Lauryn Hill
My body is numb, my heart is pounding, my lips are quivering but I do not think of anything else but of this man who stands before me - this man who has given me such an incredible gift; he has blessed upon me the very few blissful moments of heaven, he has placed ease upon my soul, rest on my heart...he has soothed me to an unthinkable state. I didn't know I could be even capable of these feelings that are so hard to describe, so hard to understand - I'm staring at him quietly, the rain has subsided and all that is left is the heavy breathing of him and I. My heart won't let me indulge in the mistake he has just made by placing his lips onto mine...I want to be happy for just these few minutes, but I know I have to face reality.
Sadie Kennedy doesn't get the fairy tale - I'm just not that girl and maybe I keep repeating this but I'll say it till I am blue in the face...no one wants me; I can't exactly explain what was going through Justin's mind for him to bring himself over my house at this time of night and then have the audacity to kiss me - I think he's high. I'm not joking, that can be the only reasoning for his actions - men like him can have any girl they choose (well, he could, if he cleaned himself up) and I'm speechless as to why he is standing in front of me now...smiling.
I step back. Speak, Sadie, speak. "Um," I have no words...nothing, nada, zelch to say....I just need to say something, anything! "T-Thank you." I roll my eyes as these words escape my lips and fill the air.
Yeah, nice going, Sadie.
Justin's smile widens and my heart rises to my throat. I cannot believe I just said that! "Why're you saying thank you?" I don't respond and he cocks his head to the side, his hair is dripping with water and I don't allow myself to meet his eyes and then I hear him smirk. "Sadie, look at me." His hands find my face and I have no choice but to look at his beautiful blue eyes - I can't breathe.
This isn't me, this isn't right - my heart is aching and my mind is running a thousand thoughts per second...I don't want to feel this way, I can't. "P-Please stop." I mutter softly, my breathing increases as I move away from his touch, and my lips tremble as I see some sort of dejected look in his eyes. How can he feel disappointed when I'm truly nothing to him? He can be an actor if he truly wanted to be. "I don't know what Trace told you but-"
He doesn't seemed phased by my recent movement instead he inches closer to me - I'm on guard. "He said that every time you two are together...somehow I come up and its not because he brings me up...you do." He says this matter-of-factly and I lick my lips quickly, nervous. How do I defend myself against this? I know its the truth but that doesn't mean I'm going to admit to it. "I just took a wild guess and by the way you're acting now...I don't think I was wrong." He folds his arms in front of his damp chest and my brown eyes lower to my feet.
I'm going to get pnuemonia out here from dealing with this town junkie - I shake my head, God, I have got to stop calling him that. I chew on my bottom lip slowly and then sigh, loudly, "Justin, I want to help you, I won't deny that but anything more than that I didn't have in mind," The words tumble from my lips, rushed; it doesn't give me time to actually think about what I've said, about what I'm doing.
The smile slowly falls from his lips and his eyes squinch in what I'm guessing is thought - he nods his head quickly, and this time...he steps away from me. "Oh," He chuckles now, not in a funny way but in a menacing chuckle...so mean. "Well, this is fucking hilarious." He turns his back to me and begins to walk to the driveway, towards his car and my brows raise in confusion and my heart thumps in my chest with alarm.
Did I do something wrong? "What is?" I ask, gently. I fear my sister will show up out of nowhere and have a field day at what she would see but I'm trying my best to think of other things like how quickly Justin's mood has changed. Figures, this man is out of his right mind.
He turns around suddenly, his blue eyes dark and the fear he once placed inside of me so long ago quickly returns and all I want to do now is get away from him. "You, Sadie." He coughs now and rolls his eyes, "You're fucking hilarious! You're giving me the brush off when I bet I'm the first guy to ever kiss your fat ass." When tears reach my eyelids and my bottom lip puckers out, sadly, I shudder when he laughs. "Yeah, I am, aren't I? That's why you said thank you! What the fuck was I thinking?" He shakes his head and turns back around and my heart drops, maybe it breaks, I'm not sure.
Tears begin to flow freely down my cheeks now and I do nothing to hide my anguish - how dumb could I be? How could I believe that just for a few days he could actually be a changed man? My hands begin to shake violently as my mind thinks of Trace - if only I had stuck with him...this pain wouldn't be succumbing my essence whole, if only.
I watch in horror as he speds off in his jeep and thats when I let out a cry of dispair - my heart hurts so much and I don't know what to do to make it stop. Is this what its like to be kissed for the first time? To feel on cloud nine one minute and so far beneath the ground the next? Why haven't my sisters ever warned me about this? Why did I let this happen?
I don't understand how he can be so sweet and then so cruel - this is all a game to him...he finds amusment by playing with my emotions, my feelings. Was it that obvious that that was my first kiss? How pathetic am I? I open the door to my home and step my drenched, cold body inside, tears proceed to fall and I continue to moan with sadness; as I close the door, I begin to peel away the damp clothing from my body and head to the bathroom. I see his dark blue eyes in my mind and I frown - this is for the best, so I shouldn't be so upset, so sad. Work is coming soon and I'm tired of having to lie to my best friend, my sister, no one is worth jepordizing our relationship over, especially not some town junkie. But still...it hurts so much.
Turning on the showerhead, I turn the water to blazing hot, I need to feel anything but what I'm feeling right now - I force myself into the tub and let the hot water trickle against my flesh. I breathe heavily as the water drowns me and I close my eyes, sighing - there are more important things to worry about...my eldest sister is returning home and I'll distract my aching heart with my presence. I nod my head, yeah, thats what I'll do. And then sooner than later I'll be saying...Justin who?
At least I hope I will.
* * *
Okay, maybe I shouldn't have snapped at her like I did - but dammit! She made me so fucking mad! Or maybe I was so hurt by the notion that she didn't feel the same way as I did - I was so very confused by Sadie Kennedy; people don't kiss like that and then say it wasn't their intentions. I will admit I am the one who kissed her, yes, this is true but it wasn't like her ass was trying to stop me, if anything, she seemed more enraptured by our embrace than I did; did I imagine this shit? Hell no, I didn't! This is what I get for trying to actually be a human being and act on my feelings and look what has happened to me...I'm a fucking idiot for doing this - if only Tyler were here, she'd be loving every minute of my madness.
My eyes lower to my hands as I can still feel the dampness of Sadie's thick brown hair in between my fingertips, her soft scent of strawberries mixed with some sort of cleaning soap lingers on me, drowning me whole - I close my eyes and try not to remember those soft, full lips of hers; what can I say? Its something about women who are not the average, skinny type that does something to my dumb ass - first Tyler and now Sadie; but what I figure is that I'm trying to hold on to the memory of Tyler and I by having this craze infatuation with Sadie Kennedy.
Don't get me wrong, feelings are starting to rise within me for the girl but I never would've given her a second thought if it weren't for the love of my life, well, the only woman I've ever loved...so far.
My heart still longs for Tyler and everything she gave me - she showed me what love could be if given the chance to really explore it and now that I am without it...I yearn for it, I yearn for her. Sadie isn't strong like Tyler, isn't independent like my old love and thats why I'm drawn to her...she needs help just like my aching soul does but how can I express my desire to help her if she is pushing herself away from me? How can I make amends with her when every chance that I get to make things right, I end up blowing it by degrading her? I'm a complete dumbass. I know you agree with me, don't deny the shit, either.
I've never dealt well with rejection - I've never really had to, either. Its always been what I want is for the taking and what I need will always be there waiting for me. And right now, what I want is for her to give me a chance, and what I really need...damn, what do I need? I don't know for sure, exactly. I'm a recovering drug addict with also an addiciton to sex or maybe just an addiction to having sex with inappropriate women - and the last thing my soul needs is to catch the affections of some plus size, insecure, young woman but yet, I can't help myself.
When Trace even hinted at the possibility of Sadie having romantic feelings for someone else, my mind raced with the thoughts of happiness, of hope - inwardly, I kept thinking I had some sort of shot with the girl, I had a chance of helping her the same way she had helped me that horrifying night not so long ago.
And maybe, I should've really thought things through before I rushed over to her home and basically, crashed my lips unto hers, but I just couldn't help myself - there she was, standing, soaking wet, and it had been in that moment, that I realized how incredibly...pretty she actually is. I didn't really have the urge to kiss her, maybe I just wanted to show her how much I was willing to try to make her trust me.
And now, I've ruined any chances I had at making things really right between us - I keep fucking up, I keep pushing people away and truth be told, my ass does deserve to be alone, so incredibly alone; why does God have so much patience with me? Why does my mother continue to put up with my shit? How come Trace holds on to the belief that I'll return to my old self...the person I was before I lost Tyler?
And then there is Sadie....I shake my head and moan. Damn, I really messed up with her - apologies can only go so far for so long and then all that lies underneath is lies, blatant lies.
How can I fix this? How can I make this right? "Do I even want to?" I mumble to myself, grudgingly. No one is worth trying this hard for - I don't bend over backwards for anyone and I am not about to start now, but still,, a part of me wants to make it right with her, a part of me wants to make sure she won't go out of her way to be away from me, a part of me is hoping I can change her mind about a junkie like me. But thats just a part of me...a small part.
* * *
I watch in silence as my best friend folds her laundry and places her clean bed sheets into the white basket that lies on her blue bed comforter - my hands are shaking as I debate on coming clean to Zora; maybe its for the best that she doesn't know about my web of lies but I can't live with her not knowing - right now, I'm so confused and my mind is filled with so many racing thoughts that I need to talk to her, I need to know what she would do in my shoes. I'm just so afraid of the look of disappointment that I am so sure will grace her beautiful, delicate features when I let my dirty secrets fill the empty, quiet air.
I fold my legs beneath myself and I ponder on these thoughts - its been two days since the Justin incident and instead on dwelling on the pain he has caused me, I let my mind think of nothing but the kiss, that perfect kiss will haunt me for the rest of my days, but its not like I'm dreading it or anything. I don't think I'll ever feel so complete by just having one kiss ever again - I try to forget that it was Justin who gave me this precious gift because lets face it...how stupid was I to believe that I could actually try and help that cruel man? Once a dog, always a dog...did I say it right? Oh well, it doesn't matter, anyway.
Zora is humming now and I continue to watch her profile - her long, strawberry blonde hair is pulled into a loose ponytail and today is supposed to be 'clean-up' day so she's wearing some cutoff jean shorts and a white muscle shirt - she looks no older than sixteen right now, and this is the truth.
Sometimes I envy that about my sisters, they have the fountain of youth while I look like I drink from the fountain of old age and cellulite - lucky me. The thing about Zora is, unlike my other siblings, she doesn't like to wear makeup as much because it breaks out her skin so she tends to go natural most of the time and while I used to hope it would make her age more...it has done the complete opposite - she looks like a freaking Goddess as each day passes. No lie.
"Girl, stop looking at me like that," Her brown eyes find mine and I jump, caught off guard. "You're making me really uncomfortable," She smiles half-heartedly to let me know that she is just playing with me but I know she's probably trying to strike up a conversation so I decide to just dive right in with the good stuff. No more lying.
Time to come clean. "Justin kissed me." I blurt out, quickly.
By now, her body has frozen and her eyes become huge like saucers, just staring in shock, I guess. "Wha? When?" She says this softly, pushing her basket of clean sheets to the floor, she folds her arms in front of her chest and shakes her head, already seeming to disapprove.
I swallow. "The night before last." I say just as softly as she.
Her scrunches up in disgust and her left hand finds her mouth, "Ewww!" She yelps this out and it catches me off guard as she runs to her bedroom door and closes it before leaning against it.
I'm really confused. I lick my lips and rock my body back and forth in the chair I sit in. "Ewww?" I ask, brows rise in question now.
She puckers her lips and nods her head. "Yeah, 'eww'. You kissed a boy!" She moves to me and pinches me in my side, but while doing this, she's smiling. "But seriously, what the fuck were you thinking to let that shit go down?"
I shrug my shoulders, helplessly, my heart racing. What was I thinking? "I-It just h-happened." I stumble over my words, nervous. Zora continues to watch me curiously and what is surprising me is that she's still smiling. "I regret it."
Zora scoffs at this and rolls her eyes, dramatically. "Um, yeah, sure." She chuckles while saying this, kneeling in front of me, her brown eyes softening. "Dee Dee, if you regretted it, your ass would've never wasted your time in telling me about it." She cocks her head to the side and breathes out heavily, "I'm just happy for you cause now you done been kissed and you see it ain't shit but sharing spit."
Okay, she makes it sound so horrible, I'm so glad my kiss was nothing like that. But I'll let her think that, though. "Thats not all, Zora," I sigh, softly. "I kept talking to him after I told you I'd stopped."
She humphs. "Bitch, I wasn't born yesterday - I knew your ass was still talking to the druggie, but I wanted you to be able to come to me and tell me the truth." Zora frowns, "Just don't lie to me again. You and me, Dee Dee? We don't keep secrets." She sticks her hand out for me to take and I place my left hand into her right but something is still weighing heavy on my conscience.
I want to tell her about Jade returning to town but I know I made a promise to my other sisters and I'm caught in between. Hopefully, this won't come back and bite me in the you-know-what.
I stand my sitting position and she drops my hand from hers and eyes me carefully, "So, what exactly, are you two now, anyway?"
I glance away from her gaze and chew on my bottom lip, profusely before responding, "I...we...," Her thick brows raise, and I quickly recover from my clueless state. "We're nothing." Not like I'm lying about this.
Zora seems to believe me because she goes back to folding her bedsheets without a second glance towards my way, "Well, I think...thats good." My heart aches as I finally let it sink in what I've said, it is so true but still...it is like stabbing my spirit, my very, small insecure soul. "Cause you know I don't like him, Dee Dee, plus he won't do anything but break your heart and if that happened...I would have to kill his coke snorting ass." Too late, big sis, he's already done just that.
My eyes begin to tear up slightly and I try to hide this from my sister by placing my head into my hands and sighing, loudly. "Yeah, its better this way." I mutter, sadly.
I can hear my sister, chuckling softly. "So, what did druggie say when you told him you liked his dumbass?"
Oh, God. "I didn't tell him."
Zora is quiet for a moment, a moment only before she lets me know what she's thinking. "What's the point of him being the first man you've ever kissed if you weren't honest with him and told him how you felt?"
I drop my hands from my face and I don't care anymore if she sees the tears in my eyes - she's got me so damn confused! "Does it matter, Zora?" She glances up and as she notices the tears, her features become stony and hard. "You think I'm better off not knowing him so what does it matter to you if he knew or not?"
She doesn't move to me, instead her eyes fall to her hands and she shrugs her shoulders. "You just settled yourself for less than what you deserve for a first kiss." I scoff and she rolls her eyes. "First kisses are nothing to me but to your ass...they're everything and you settled for less 'cause your ass got scared - its not about worrying if the guy feels the same way, Dee Dee, cause the worst pain is when you don't be honest with him and you keep asking yourself 'what if'." Zora smirks, "But what do I know, huh?"
Oh, shut up!
* * *
This cell phone of mine has become my worst enemy and as I stare at his number, blankly - I'm terrified of what exactly I'm about to do and I'm wondering if the best thing for me is to just back away and forget this man, this creature, but I know I can't - I know my soul won't be at ease until I'm honest with not only him but myself, too. But then I think...what's the point in calling him when he basically attacked me?
I shake my head slowly as I pull my bed sheets over my shoulders and nestle myself more comfortably in my bed, I'm so damn stupid; this man wants nothing to do with me, is disgusted with me and yet, I'm still deciding to call him because of something my sister has said?
But she's right, she's absolutely right and for once, I need to stop being so scared of what the future holds and take control of what is to become of me and my happiness - maybe I don't deserve the guy but I still deserve happiness and somehow, I will get it - I see this as a way of putting Justin and all of his cruel ways behind me...he will be just a smidge in my past after this phone call and I'll start anew tomorrow. My heart will be free and my mind will be so much at ease.
I chew on the inside of my mouth as I press the call button my phone and place it on speaker, resting the phone beside my pillow, my heart racing as I hear the phone ring, one, two, three times and just as I am about to hang up - I am met with his voice, his very, surprised voice. "Sadie?" He speaks now - he doesn't say hello, he just says my name so softly, so gently, that I find myself becoming mush.
I must have rehearsed my lines
A thousand times
Until I had them memorized
I breath in deeply and before I have a chance to respond, he just goes in for the kill. "I don't know how many times I can say this before you just tell me to shove it, but I'm so sorry, Sadie." His soft tone catches me off guard and my heart warms - I've already forgiven him, but its not like I'll let him know this. "I was just reacting out of frustration, but thats still no excuse for the things I said."
I can't get caught up in his words - this isn't want I called him for, I just want closure so I can be able to move on. I just need to tell him so I can move on with my life. "Its fine, Justin." I say now, my lips quivering in what I'm guessing is fright. I don't know exactly how to tell him this. I don't know where to begin or how to end.
But when I get up the nerve
To tell you the words
Just never seem to come out right
Just say it, Sadie. "Justin, I've been thinking-"
"Yeah, so have I." He interrupts me and my heart catches in my throat - somehow I have this secret desire he will admit to his long, lost love for me and how he only wants to be with me but come on! You even know that I'm holding on to false hope. "You were right before...what happened between us was a mistake, I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that."
Thanks for crushing my last hope, Timberlake - thanks so much! My eyes close slowly as I feel tears reaching my eyes now and I can't seem to breathe - he is making it so hard for me to tell him the truth if he keeps on talking so damn much! Will he just shut up? The more he talks, the more it is killing me.
"U-Um, its all right." I mumble, anger rising within me.
I dream of moments we share
But you're not there
I'm living in a fantasy
He sighs. "No, its not all right, Sadie - I went too far and for that, I apologize." He breathes heavily over the phone and tears silently escape my eyelids and fall down my cheeks - I can no longer be strong. Who am I kidding? Me? Strong? I shake my head, I've lost my mind. "I want us to be friends, Sadie, but I think I've hurt you too much...I'm not worthy of your friendship."
What the hell is he trying to say? God, I just need to say my peace! "Justin, I-"
"So, I'm backing off, okay? I want you to be happy and with me around...I don't think I'm bringing anything but unwanted and unnecessary pain." He scowls, "What're you thinking?"
'Cause you don't even suspect
Could probably care less
About the changes I've been going through
I'm thinking I hate you, I'm thinking you talk too damn much, I'm thinking I wish you will please stop crushing my spirits ever chance that you get, I'm thinking I wish I still didn't like you, I'm thinking I wish you were a horrible kisser! "I think you're right." Yeah, good going with the honesty, Kennedy. I pull my bottom lip into my mouth and moan softly.
If only you knew
How much I do,
Do love you
"Don't be a stranger, all right?" He says, cheerily, so damn happy and I cry softly, holding my sheets closer to my body, as I hear him hang up - click. Its not fair!
Two days ago, I was the happiest girl you'll ever meet and now I'm nothing...just what I've always been; he made me wish for things I never wanted, he made me believe I could be happy when I always settled for being okay, he made it possible for my dreams to come true when I was continually stuck on the fairy tales. Dammit!
He gets the closure and all I get is the broken heart - ain't this a bitch?
Yeah, I said it. And it should make me feel somewhat better but all it does is instill the notion that I'm nothing but a waste of space, a waste of oxygen, a worthless five minutes of conception - I ain't shit and it took a man to crush my soul to make me finally know that its true. My mother would be so proud.
If only you knew
How much I do
Do need you
* * *
Song Credit:
"If Only You Knew" by Patti LaBelle
