show him how
you can be strong girl
you don't need him now
run away, pretty girl
say so long - mr. wrong
run away
bye bye
"Mr. Wrong" by Sade
One of my favorite memories of my eldest sibling, Jade, is just her gentle presence - her soul was so timid, so fragile, that in many ways, I am like her but what separates us is that she gets the attention of anyone who comes in contact with her while I just occupy space; as children, Zora and I would constantly follow Jade everywhere she went and try to imitate her ways of speaking, her ways of walking, standing - basically anything to make us closer to her. I had followed Patrice around once upon a time but she got so annoyed with me and would usualy tell on me to our mother to get me away from her, and I never tried to mock Maria because she seemed "off" to me, not in a bad way, but I just knew that her common sense wasn't all there, if you know what I mean. But the thing about Jade is that she loved the company of her two younger sisters - Zora and her did most of the talking and I would stay behind the scenes and just watch my sister - I loved the way she would smile when she was in a conversation with someone because I knew that meant she really truly cared what the other person was telling her - my sister has one of the most photogenic smiles you'll ever come across, no lie.
It continually astounds me that Mabel has given birth to five very different women - none of us are the re-creation of our mother and I guess I should be grateful for this, well maybe Patrice can be a little bit like our mother at times...just don't let her know I said this. I think thats what probably disappoints my mother so much about her girls - as children, she witheld us the chance of finding out what our dreams were, she trapped us in with her lies and deceit and it had been this master plan of hers so that when we were adults, we would never stray from her...we would be moles of her; and now, we all have strayed away from her - she is truly left alone, now...well, she does have our father but I really don't think that my parents ever really loved one another.
From what I've been told from my older sisters (since I cannot learn anything from my parents), my parents were twenty-somethings still trying to find some sort of purpose in their life when they ran across one another through the streets of this small, secluded town - let me mind you that my mother resembled the late Princess Grace Kelly in her prime years and my father had this french, exotic thing going on about him so of course the physical attraction was there; two months into their little lovefest of lust and freedom...my mother became pregnant. I wonder now is this the moment that turned her warm heart into cold stone? Or has she truly always been this way? Anyway, I guess they were doing the "right" thing because three weeks after Jade was born, they were married; it wasn't like they didn't have a choice, but then when I think about it...if they had never married, most likely, I wouldn't have Maria, I wouldn't have Patrice, I wouldn't have Zora and more importantly...I wouldn't have Kyle. Me, on the otherhand? I sometimes wish my mother had gotten rid of me when I was just a fetus in her womb...so many times before she has said she wished she had done it, and I secretly wish she had done it, also. Horrible thing to say, right? But whats the point of being in existence if the people who are responsible for creating you don't even want you?
I'm pretty sure my father loves me and my sisters whole-heartedly - its just who he is; from the moment my mother started to have it out for me because of my looks and my weight? He secretly stayed in my corner of need, he was the one when Zora would be knocked out from a long day at school who would dry my tears at night and tell me to hold on, he was the one who continually let it be known that he loved me; thats another thing, my mother, I believe has never actually said those three words to anyone in our family...it just isn't said or even thought of. I never questioned her as to why because my father would make up for the love I lacked from her...but I still felt sorry for him, he was shackled down by a woman who did nothing but degrade him and have him lose all five of his daughters. But he'll never stand up to her - she's all he knows.
You're probably wondering why am I going on and on about my sisters and my parents, right? Its because I'm trying to drown out my focus on my sister, Maria, who is standing beside me, talking (like usual), as we stand in my new kindergarten class, getting my room together because school begins in about another week. I had wanted to do this on my own, to leave me to my thoughts but Maria insisted on coming along with me and since we've gotten here (which has been about an hour) she has talked my ear off about some guy she is trying to set me up on a blind date with. Now, you understand why I'm trying to ignore her?
I can't date. I wouldn't know the first thing about dating, I mean things went so well with Trace but thats because he felt more like a brother to me than anything else - but to be alone with someone I don't know at all? It gives me chills just to even comprehend it. I'm done with the men thing. I've had my first kiss, something I was so sure I would never get and I'm content on being by myself for the rest of my days. Don't feel bad for me, I know its for the best.
Okay, I know you're thinking it - what about Justin? I've kind of occupied my time lately by doing anything and everything to avoid my thoughts from him - we haven't spoke since that phone call and that was like, two weeks ago? At first, it was extremely hard - my body ached, my head pounded because so much of me wanted to just call him but I knew I shouldn't. I had no need to. And then I thought maybe if he really cared so much...he'll call me, right? Well, I was wrong. But now, I don't even seem to mind because this whole 'becoming a teacher' thing has gotten my entire attention and all I can do is pray I make impact on these young lives the best way I know how - blind date or Justin will have to wait.
Big improvement, huh? I guess I'm trying the independent thing - how can I be a teacher if I don't have any confidence within myself? So, I really am trying now, and spending time with my sisters everyday, and seeing how they cope with situations is slowly egging its way into my system, my memory. I need to imitate their ways of thinking, their ways of handling things.
"What happened to Jade coming down here?" I speak now, for the first time since we've gotten here - I just want to change the subject. Men and Sadie just don't mix well together.
Maria has a box full of crayons in her hands as she looks up at me now, her eyes glistening with happiness - she's always so perky, so full of life. Another trait she did not get from our mother. "I don't know," She chews on her bottom lip before placing the box on a brown wooden table beside her and proceeds to take the items out of the box and place them on the table. "I think she's stalling."
I glance up from my computer as I'm typing (I'm writing a welcome letter to all of the parents of my students) and my brows rise in question, "What would she do that for?"
Flipping her black hair from the front of her face, she shrugs her shoulders and leans her body against the table, sighing. "Its been a long time since she's been back home, Dee Dee...maybe, she's just scared to see how everything and everyone has changed."
I smirk and turn my attention back to my computer in front of me and resume typing - I enjoy silence, and I'm enjoying right now until my sister dives back in for the kill. "So, are you going to give Derek a shot or what?" I can immediately tell she is switching the tone of her voice from happy to pleading. Oh, God, please help me.
I don't know how to say no.
I swallow. "Um, I'm not so sure about that, Maria." I lick my lips, slowly. "School's 'bout to start and I just want to set all my thoughts on that...nothing else."
She sighs, loudly and I know she is doing this to get my attention so I glance her way to see she is studying me, hard. "Thats all you had to say, Sadie." She moves away from the table and moves to the front of my desk, her arms are now crossed in front of her chest and her head is cocked to the side, her long, silky black hair is flowing freely over her shoulders, sparkling in the sunlight emitting from the window. "But be honest, baby sis...you like somebody, huh?"
Just be cool, Sadie. Be cool. Lies have become me now. I am a liar, now. A big, fat liar and I mean this literally. I'm big. I'm fat. And, oh yes, I'm a liar, too. "U-Uh...I-I did." I speak honestly - techincally this is the truth because I did like Justin, and maybe I still do but I haven't really dwelled back into those feelings to be sure so the latter really doesn't count, right?
A smile slowly etches onto her tan features and she does a little shaking of the hips before coming to sit down beside me, making me extremely nervous. Please, just don't ask who it is. "I knew it!" She pokes me in the side where my ribs are and I gasp, softly. I hate that shit! Forgive me for saying this but if I've never liked it before...why do people think I will change my mind? "I mean, Patrice kept saying you were acting differently and I've noticed it, too."
Focus. "Acting differently?" I say, mumbling with distaste. I will kill Patrice. Okay, maybe I won't. But for sure she's going to hear from me.
She nods her head. "Nothing bad, babe." I let out a deep exhale of relief. "Its just you kept looking like anyone would when they get that first crush - all googly-eyed and shit." She's grinning like crazy now. "I'd thought you would tell me...," her eyes downcast sadly, "but I was obviously wrong."
Apologize, but still focus. "I didn't mean not to tell you, Maria." My eyes find hers and I smile, sympathetically - and this is when it hits me...I need to tell her the truth. Stop the lies. If I am trying something new then I need to start fresh - my sister comes before some stupid, high school crush. She'll understand, I mean, come on, its Maria! She understands as much as she can...for the moment, anyway.
Just tell her.
"It was Justin."
Silence.
More silence.
Even more silence.
Okay, I'm looking really stupid right now as I purse my lips together and watch as my sister's facial expression falls from happiness to something unknown - I've never truly seen Maria upset, it just isn't her, but there is a first time for everything and I need to hurry up and get out of this room before she explodes on me. Smart move, Sadie.
As I prepare myself to stand from my sitting position, her cough startles me and my eyes widen. I'm scared for my life. I think I'm going to pee in my panties. No joke. "You love him?" Her voice is clear and direct. I guess she means business.
Might as well continue to dig myself into a deeper hole. "I d-don't know what l-love is." I whisper.
Her eyes cut at me and she snorts. "Um, sure." She rolls her eyes and rocks her body from side to side. "I loved him." She states, simply.
My heart tears in two as I hear this. Well, this definitely kills any chance of me ever reconciling with the town junkie. I won't do this to my sister, I refuse. My eyes water. "I-I'm so sorry, Maria."
She scrunches her face and shakes her head. "Don't apologize for how you feel, Dee Dee." Shrugging her shoulders, she lets out a soft sigh. "I loved him 'cause there was possibility for us. He left to start his singing career and I was so sure we could work through that but as soon as he was gone, I knew I couldn't be that girl who waited on a musician to return to her. I wasn't cut out for that kind of relationship." She sucks on her bottom lip in thought, "It probably worked out for the best cause he ended up with Tyler and man, did he really fall for that girl."
I keep hearing this girl's name and yet I know background history on her - my sister is drawing me back into the world of Justin Timberlake and the not so surprising aspect of it all is that I'm letting her. "It goes farther than just a crush, Maria." I speak slowly now, finally knowing that I won't get anymore work done today. I'm just going to let her know the absolute, whole truth. "We kissed."
She giggles softly and rolls her eyes. "I figured." My eyes widened in confusion and she waves me off. "Justin never shies from acting on his feelings - if he wants something, he'll get it. Plain and simple." A smile teases her lips. "Now, before I go into how happy I am that you finally got that first kiss I need you to go ahead and tell me everything thats been going down between you and him."
I cock my head to the side. "You're not mad at me?"
She shrugs her shoulders. "No, not really. What him and I had was some high school shit...I'm so past it - now, if me and him had fucked...I would be pissed, but we didn't." As she tells me this, I really am surprised. "But, I just want you to be able to be honest with me cause the keeping secrets thing doesn't work well with this family, sis."
I nod my head and close my eyes briefly. Time to tell her everything from the very beginning. Here I go, again.
* * *
The warmth of her hand presses against my shoulder and my eyes find hers as she lies in the white bed, covered in pale sheets - her long, blonde hair is pulled away from her face and bags are so evident underneath her eyes as I know she is extremely tired and as my eyes find her lips, I instantly notice the frown. I was hoping for her touch to be joyous one, but instead, I know she is furious with me. But dammit! I should be furious with her! She keeps holding back from me, she keeps lying to me, she keeps stringing me alone and letting me be the last one to know whats really going on with her. What kind of relationship is this where there is no communication whatsoever, anymore?
I know maybe its time for us to let this thing go but I can't - I love her too damn much to do that.
"Hey, honey," I whisper softly and her green eyes stare at me in silence and unforgiving. I used to be able to just look her in the eyes and see everything that she is thinking but now, it feels like I don't know her at all. "Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant...again, baby?"
She coughs. And when I reach out to touch her face, she moves away, and I notice tears flowing down her pale cheeks now. She's hurting. "Why didn't you tell me about Crystal Edwards?" Her tone is soft but menacing as she tries to make herself more comfortable in the hospital bed.
Heat rushes to my cheeks as I try to think how could she have ever found out about that girl - it had only been one night and of course that doesn't excuse my actions but all I remember is getting pissy drunk one night, waking up the next morning and having someone that wasn't Tyler lying beside me, naked. I had kept this hidden mainly because I knew it would crush the woman I love, but more importantly, my shame of what I've done was overbearing my need to be honest with her. And as I look in her eyes now, so full of sadness, so full of hate...for me, all I can do is pinpoint the blame to her.
"You probably fell down the stairs on purpose, didn't you, Ty?" God, I'm such a dick. I'm such a fucking dick. But I can't stop myself. I need to get the center of attention off of my infedelity and focused in on the second child we've lost in the matter of less than a year. "You didn't want this baby...just like you didn't want the first one."
She closes her eyes and groans softly, her hands find her now empty stomach and she grips onto her skin tightly, upset. "You fucking bastard." She speaks this low and it breaks my heart as she breathes heavily and continues to cry. Why am I doing this to her? "I fell down those stairs 'cause of your stupid ass - I got that call telling me bout you and that girl and all I remember is fainting." Tyler opens her eyes and she glances down at the bulge in her stomach that once held our five month old baby. "Maybe the first time 'round I wasn't ready, but with this one...I loved my little girl, Justin. I love her and you took her away from me...away from us."
Tears cloud my vision as I lean my body against the railing of her bed and my lips begin to tremble with fear of losing the one person I've ever loved, the only person who has made me feel complete. "So, fuck you, okay? You cheat on me and now you have the blood of our daughter on your hands." I feel my walls slowly crumbling and I'm sinking to the ground now. She's destroying me just like I've destroyed her. "I won't let you hurt me anymore, Justin. You don't deserve me. You don't deserve anyone." She smirks, "Maybe she's better off dead...at least then she'll never know how incredibly pathetic her father is."
The alcohol burns my throat as it travels down as the memory flashes through my mind briefly and in an instant, its gone. I had forgotten that one. Its amazing what liquor does to the body - it makes a person face up to things that they try to keep hidden from the world. Don't worry, I'm not wasted - its my first swallow of Rum and I intend on making it my last as I lay my head against the cushions of Deena's black sofa.
Who's Deena?
She's my latest bitch I'm using to just fuck around with - no, seriously, she's an old songwriting partner of mine and I ended up at her house after staring at my lyrics notebook for too damn long. Usually we end up loosening up by getting mad wasted but I'm trying to resist the temptation of my little friend, alcohol, because like my mother has repeated in my head over and over again...I have to be the one to change, I have to be the one to make a difference in my lifestyle. So, I'm trying.
Now, Deena is on the floor, pen in hand, and she is writing furiously against the paper in her lap. I wish I had talents like her - you give her a word, a saying, anything and she can come up with a catchy tune in minutes. Deena has been there for me since my early days as trying to be some sort of musician - we grew up together and she was the only person I knew who had a huge talent for writing but didn't want anything in return but to just be recognized in her efforts. Me and her just clicked from day one. And surprisingly, its never been anything physical between us. Surprised? It isn't like I haven't tried because believe me, I have - but she just doesn't tolerate that kind of shit; she sees it this way - if we started off friends, no need to fuck things up by doing anything we'll regret. And I completely agree with her but sometimes, like right now, as I'm staring at her small petite frame - those plumped tits, thin waist, and wide hips, I just wish I could fuck her. Just one time is all I need.
But I will never disrespect Deena. She's not like the other women I've tried to fuck or have fucked - she's hardcore but a sweetheart to the bone. And more importantly, I love her, I do - and its truly platonic.
"Timberlake, get your dirty ass mind out of the gutter." She says now, her pen still running rapidly against her paper. I am continually amazed.
A chuckle escapes my lips as I stand from the sofa and head to her kitchen, looking for a plastic cup so I can get some water to ease my urge of some more Rum. "What're you talking 'bout, honey?" I say, sweetly, my blue eyes dancing with mischief.
Her dark brown eyes glance up from her writing briefly to give me a sloppy frown. "First, don't call me honey, you know better than that. Second, you know your ass was thinking 'bout tackling me and fucking my brains out. Am I wrong? If I am, let me know." She says this matter-of-factly.
I roll my eyes and give her the finger as my response and she takes this as her response to return to her writing. "Besides, what's going on with that Sadie chick?"
Oh, of course if anyone is friends with me...they know Trace - I figure thats how she knows about Sadie because Trace has a fucking motor mouth that just doesn't know how to shut the fuck up. Dumb ass little fucker. Wait 'till I get my hands on that stupid bitch. Anyway, I really haven't thought of Sadie since the last time we spoke and thats in all truth - this is how I am - if I'm through someone, I'm just done. No more rethinking the situation or going back and forth...I don't have time for that shit. And yeah, for a while I lost my mind and saw some potential in the girl and I but obviously I could not be more wrong.
I kind of come to the conclusion that my liking of Sadie had solely to do with my hidden feelings for my ex, Tyler; maybe I was trying to heal some old wounds of the past by starting anew with Sadie but I should've known that the shit would never work out. I'm doomed in relationships, I'm doomed in love, really.
"Nothing is 'on' between us." I say now as I return to the living room with water in hand. "Thought something was there but like usual, my ass is just way off base."
Deena smirks and finally places down her pen and paper on the empty space beside her on the floor. "Well, you're not a woman so of course your ass is gonna be off base." She shakes her head, "But to just cut past all the bullshit - you were somebody before, you were some real shit before but now you're all fucked up, babe."
Wow, thanks for that. I frown. "That hurt, Deena."
Of course she doesn't give a fuck. "Whatever." She licks her lips. "You need to get your shit together before you decide to bug the shit out of some chick," I widen my eyes and she purses her lips together. "Ah, come on! You act like you don't be no bug a boo...and you know thats bullshit cause you be all up on these bitches, but thats beside the point - just get your shit together cause right now you're all wrong to be trying to be in a relationship with somebody."
My eyebrows rise in question. "I'm wrong?" Okay, its time for me to leave.
She snorts. "Did I stutter, little meat?" When I open my mouth to speak, she laughs and throws her lyrics paper at me and stands from her sitting position. "I'm just fucking with you, darling - you know I loves you so much!" She moves to me and wraps her arms around me, lovingly and I know she means well but sometimes the way she says things still aches my heart. She really can get underneath my skin. "This girl...Sadie? She'll still be around after you get yourself together."
I roll my eyes. Yeah, whatever. I'm done with Sadie Kennedy. But I do wonder would she want me if she knew I wasn't the same man she met so long ago - if she knew I was going to change? I shake my head. What do I care? I'm through with her. "Um, I guess - but ummm, whats the first thing I need to do to get back right again, Deena?"
She smiles and pushes me towards her recording studio. I know she's happy because she's getting her way but internally I'm scared as shit - its time to get my shit together as my friend put it but my fear is that the man I once was is gone for eternity - that man died when Tyler left, or maybe he's just taking a long ass vacation...whatever the case may be, its time to move on. Time to become a man. Time to be happy, again. But the love shit? I'm done with that. I just want to be happy again, thats all I need.
"Sing, boy, sing."
* * *
