Source: Unknown
Can you tell that I've been hurt so?
Can you tell I wanna lay low?
Can you tell that I'm a flower
waiting for a sunshower?
Can you tell that love denied me?
I need someone to revive me
If you give me a reason,
I'll be with you through the seasons
"We Can Be New" - Amel Larrieux
There comes a time in a girl's life that if given the chance, she stops thinking like a child and starts welcoming the presence of a maturing young woman - at least thats what I hear...but right now, thats not the case with me - I don't want to be twenty-two, I don't want to be a teacher and I don't want the ever pressing issue of dating on my hands. I stare into his deep pool of green eyes and find myself disbeliving that it is me that he is on date with, it is me he can't stop smiling at, it is me who is holding his hands right now. When did I become attractive to the opposite sex? Ever since this "thing" happened with Justin - I find men whistling as I walk pass on the sidewalk...something I will never get used to - I'm still the same girl, still overweight and obsessed with the notion that I'm meant to be by myself for eternity. But as this man before me continues to gaze upon me like I'm the most important thing in sight, I secretly wonder if maybe God has a different plan for me. Maybe he's telling me I deserve someone just like the lucky women in those fairy tale movies?
Nope, it can't be.
"Sadie," His deep groggy voice causes my heart to jump and I'm startled because I love the way my name tumbles from his lips so gingerly, so delicately. I'm infatuated with just the presence of his voice. I can't force myself to speak because I am at a loss for words. Who knew blind dates could be so fun?
Okay, I did give in to my sister - I wanted her to shut up so bad that I agreed to do this whole blind date thing with her friend, Derek. I was so sure that once he saw me, he'd go running for the hills but just like I've been a lot lately, I was so wrong. The first moment I stepped into the restuarant - you'd think I had some sort of sign across my forehead that read 'fat woman on a blind date' because Derek appeared by my side within seconds - the thing I noticed first about this man is his smile - its contagious. You know I'm not exactly the most easygoing around the opposite sex but things seem less tense when he smiles, because in those fleeting moments, I am at ease.
I really don't remember most of things we've discussed over the course of this date which has lasted almost two hours, what I do know is that I'm hungry as hell - I don't want him to see how much of a hungry pig I am so I've only ate a salad and some sort of sushi appetizer (thats disgusting, by the way). I fear that if I eat anything else, my stomach will return to its natural state and I will bust out of these tightfitting jeans, seeing how I can hardly breathe as it is.
He isn't the most attractive man I've ever seen, but who am I to judge? But those green eyes of his can make a woman go weak at the knees if he played his cards right. I know this much about him - he's twenty-five, single, in nursing school, and he's looking to settle down now. I hope he doesn't think I might be a good candidate to settle down with because he's sadly mistaken.
I have to admit that this date is such a good distraction from my ever intruding thoughts of Justin - I have to admit that I do miss him. It just astounds me that when I didn't want to see him, didn't want to be near him, I was steadily running into him and now...I still haven't seen him since we last spoke. My sisters don't see what I see in him - I know this man has the potential to be something great, he just needs someone in his corner to give him that extra push, that extra nudge. I don't speak of him anymore but I know Zora figures he is on my mind because everytime my phone rings, I jump to see who is calling and then I'm let down so damn much when I see it isn't him. Maria seems more supportive, she tries to bring him up in our conversations now but I change the subject so fast that she gets the idea that I would rather not talk about him...and then there is Patrice - she doesn't care, at all.
Shame on me - here I am, on this incredible date with a very nice man and my mind can only focus on another man. Shame on me. I lick my glossy lips slowly and take a deep breath, "I'm sorry...what were you saying?"
Derek Simmons has the most cutest dimples you'll ever see. He cocks his head to the side and clamps his hands together in excitement. "I was just saying did you want to take a walk around the park after this?" His eyes seem hopeful, happy, even.
He still wants to continue this date? Blush rises to my cheeks and my trembling hands reach my hair and I twirl a strand of it in between my fingers, nervously. "O-Of course I do." I speak, truthfully. My heart is pounding in my ears but I try to block out the images of Justin in my mind as I enjoy this so very rare moment.
In this moment...I am wanted by another. Nothing feels my soul more.
* * *
"First kiss?" I ask, my hand squeezing his just a bit as he guides to a wooden bench in the middle of the park. The street lights are out now and my eyes wander over to the lake before us and I'm amazed at how the moonlight hits the water so perfectly.
Licking his lips quickly, he closes his eyes as if in thought. "Um, ninth grade." He lets go of my hand to instead wrap his arm around my shoulders, drawing me closer to his body warmth and I'm not fidgety, in fact, I welcome it. "Not really one of my proudest moments so I rather not get into it...you?"
Of course he would ask me. Should I lie and make it seem like I'm some sort of experienced flirt and that I am way ahead of most women or should I just tell him the truth and have him laugh in my face? Either way it goes, I'm pathetic. "A few weeks ago."
A look of shock is shown upon his features and my heart drops. I'm such a loser. Who gets kissed for the first time at twenty-two? God, no wonder Justin wanted to leave me alone...he even knew I was so damn pathetic. "Really?" I nod my head slowly and a smile etches its way onto his features and my brows raise in question. Is he happy that I'm some sort of loser or something. "Simple things like that must be really important to you, huh?"
I turn my gaze away from his and purse my lips together in thought. I'm just going to speak from my heart - who cares if I make a fool of myself? "First kisses aren't simple - they're something thats supposed to be sacred, intimate...something you don't regret."
Derek chuckles and I look to him, skeptically. I know I sounded like an idiot but he doesn't have to laugh in my face. So rude. "So...thats a yes." He says this matter-of-factly, and his grip around me grows tighter as he leans his body against mine even more than before - my hands begin trembling with fear. "I want to ask you something, Miss Sadie, but before I do, I need to know this...are you still involved with the lucky guy who got to kiss you first?"
He thinks Justin is lucky for kissing me? Blush once again reaches my cheeks and a smile unknowingly etches its way onto my features as I breathe deeply - anxiety is working its way into my essence as of now; when did I become so lucky in the men department? Trace, then Justin and now this adorable man, Derek Simmons who refuses to look at anything else but me tonight. I should be happy, I should rejoice, a part of me wants to do those things but I know I won't be able to do it and actually mean it. Like I said before, I miss Justin. I will only admit this to myself but...I still do want him. My heart wants what it wants and I know its sad that I'm yearning for someone who doesn't care for me at all but that doesn't change how my soul fills up with happiness when I think of him.
Oh, how I wish it was him beside me right now.
The chance of Justin and I ever becoming close again is slim to none and I need to direct my attention elsewhere...I need to focus on this man before me and just let this weird rollercoaster of events continue to happen to me; I'm just a simple girl who has never experienced what love is firsthand and maybe, this is my chance. I smirk. This is God's sign to me. He has sent this man to me to not only have me move on but to finally explore a true relationship. I need to open my heart and it is now that I'm willing to be the woman I was supposed to be all along.
Crossing my legs, I place my hands in my lap and I notice my trembling has ceased. "No, thats over...so over." I speak clearly, my eyes roaming over his strong, masculine features until I find myself staring at his long, black hair. So long, so thick, so beautiful.
Yeah, he's a heartbreaker.
His green eyes dance with what I can only assume is joy and he places his free hand over my own, grinning. "Wow," He breathes out deeply and he chuckles softly, "You don't know how happy I am to know that."
Now his hand has moved from my lap to my face, his fingers roam over my cheek sending a body warmth to me that I haven't felt since that night with Justin - I close my eyes briefly wondering secretly if tonight will I be lucky enough to get another perfect kiss from the possible "right" guy this time around? Hopeful thinking, I guess. "You are?" I whisper gently, my heart pounding in my ears.
"I like you, Miss Sadie." His groggy voice reaches my soul now as he says this and I can't help but laugh out loud with glee at the notion that someone likes me, anyone...likes me?!
Tears reach my eyelids but I am only happy now as I shiver when he brings his lips to my cheek and kisses me briefly there, I am only happy when he hovers over my lips, breathing deeply...I am only happy when he closes his eyes and dips his head lower to capture my mouth with his own, I am only happy as I close my own eyes and allow myself to be sucked into this moment...this perfect moment when thoughts of no one else but him and I plague my mind.
* * *
"Get that shit out of my damn face," Deena says this low, her voice menacing as she pushes my latest effort of songwriting out of her reach. I sink lower into the cushions of her couch and glance over at Trace who is steadily talking on his cell phone to some dumb bitch who doesn't know how much of a loser my best friend is. You can kind of figure that I'm not in such a good mood today.
Deena has been riding my ass on writing my songs for the past couple of days - she figures I'm not singing from my heart because I'm not feeling what I'm singing...which is complete bullshit. Maybe its just I don't feel like jumping back into the studio yet, maybe it brings back too many memories of things I'd rather forget, maybe Deena is just fucking stupid out of her damn mind. But I won't tell her this.
"Now, J, I love you, but honey, this shit is horrible." She says now as she moves to her keyboard and begins playing some random key. "Remember when we were kids and words would just flow out of your ass like you were taking a shit?" Yeah, Deena has a way of making things sound so fucking magical.
Rolling my eyes, I cross my arms in front of my chest. "Yeah, I 'member, Deena." She smiles at me and I frown. "Back then, I was in love and had something to write about. Do you remember that?"
She groans in annoyance. Tyler grew up with all of us but Deena and her never really got along. I've known Deena longer than I knew Tyler but it wasn't that Deena didn't like my new chubby neighbor, it had more to do with Tyler feeling intimidated by my close friend. I've said this before and I'll say it again - Deena is a knockout. And she knows it too, but she's not jaded like most girls who are too into their looks instead her outer appearance makes her strive even harder to be taken seriously.
When Tyler left me, I always assumed Deena would probably be the only one on my side since she didn't really click with Tyler - I was so fucking wrong. If anything, Deena laid it on me on how much of an ass I was to the love of my life more than anyone else - she didn't feel sorry for me each night that I called her crying because my heart was breaking in two. She didn't even seem phased when she first saw snort coke - you can never truly be sure how Deena is feeling unless she speaks because her face stays hard and cold like stone...except when she decides to smile, her whole presence changes when she smiles. She becomes one of the most beautiful women you'd ever see - she reminds me of Halle Berry/Alicia Keys, a mixture of the two, so you know my girl is someone to be reckoned with.
I always wondered why she hasn't shacked up with anyone yet. Men flock to my girl like moths to a flame but she just shies aways from the opposite sex choosing to instead focus on her schooling and her music. Back when I used to be the nice, up-standing guy, I'd try and set her up with all sorts of guys and then I figured she must be gay so I tried to hook her up with this girl...thinking back on this now, it was probably the worst beating I've ever received from any female. Let me just say that Deena is nowhere near close to being a lesbian.
"Ah, save the sappy story for someone who really cares." Her brown eyes squint down on me in frustration. "If anything, the most inspiration should come from your many nights of fucking random bitches and smoking the pipe." She snorts. "That's whats real, J...not some bullshit 'bout how you lost your love. Get over it."
Trace moves his eyes from Deena and then back to me before deciding he wants to stay completely out of this and to make sure he does, he goes into Deena's bedroom and shuts the door behind him. Pussy. "Its not that easy, Deena!" I speak up now, my eyes widen at how rough my tone is but I just need her to understand that I can't confront those demons yet. If I try too soon, I might relapse like I did just a month ago and Sadie Kennedy isn't here to save me from my destruction if I do it again so I'd rather try to avoid it.
She rolls her eyes and moves her hands away from her keyboard. "You're making excuses, J." She runs her fingers through her thick honey brown 'fro before standing from the stool she's occupying and places her hand on her left hip, staring me down. "I know you miss Tyler but the only one to blame for losing her is your damn self and now you want to sing 'bout losing her?" She shakes her head quickly, firmly. "No, you need to sing about losing your own self. Thats where the healing starts - when you deal with your mistakes."
I stand from my sitting positon on the couch and purse my lips together in thought. I won't let her know that she's right, cause I know she is. I'm just terrified of trying to open that door again, of trying to become that man I used to be before I became so worthless, so useless. I sigh. And then run my hands over my unshaved face and as I do this, Deena snorts.
"And please shave. You look like those homeless guys on the street who carries 'Need Food' signs on their asses." She pats me on my shoulder, "And get your hair cut cause if you're gonna do the curly 'fro thing again, well...nevermind, if you do that shit again, I will personally kick your ass." Her smile makes me feel at ease.
"Are you my designer now or something?" I ask, teasingly.
Deena scoffs. "Fuck being the designer, I'm your angel. Don't you stray too far from me anymore, all right? I gotta make sure my boy stays on track from now on."
My heart warms as she says this because I know she means it from her heart. Thats the thing about Deena - she doesn't lie. Its always the truth - either you can deal with it or you can go fuck yourself, basically. And amongst all of the bullshit I deal with daily - she's like a breath of fresh air. I don't know why its taken so long for me to go back and visit the one person who I know will be completely honest with me no matter what the circumstance is (well, the second person coming behind my mom). I think that the during my many years of fucking, drinking and snorting coke - she let me go on for so long because she knew I'd have to pay for my mistakes later on.
I truly do love this woman in front of me. I take her hand in mine and squeeze. A rush of heat runs through my body now and I close my eyes briefly as I take a deep breath and open my eyes to see Deena, smiling. She knows me. She knows what to do before I have a chance to even speak.
Letting go of my hand, she moves back to her keyboard and begins playing random keys until I move beside her and close my eyes, trying to synch myself into the mood - so long since I felt that rush.
The rush to sing, the rush to write, the rush to do anything useful. Its consuming me whole as tears reach my eyes and lips begin trembling - singing has always been this emotional ride for me. I can hear Deena groaning with inpatience and I smirk. I miss this - I miss being the most inspired when she is by my side and I'm driving her crazy with ever slow ways of singing things off the top of my head. I really do miss it.
"Oh, God, come on!" She yelps. I glance down to her to find her staring at me in amusement. I know she's just playing with me but still. And as she opens her mouth to speak again, I find words tumbling from my lips ever so quickly.
Hi my name is Bob and I work at my job
I make forty-some dollars a day
I used to be the man in my hometown
'til I started to lose my way
A wide grin dances across Deena's features as she jumps around in her stool, excitedly as silent tears fall down my face. Best feeling I've felt in a long while. "Ah, my boy's back." She smirks. "We've missed you."
* * *
"I like him, Auntie Sadie," Kyle is saying this to me now as I stuff my face with some potato chips - I'm spending a nice evening at the house with my nephew seeing as how my sister asked me to watch him as she went out on another date with the mystery guy. I know she's waiting for the perfect time to bring him home so that he can meet Kyle because you can't just bring anybody around little children. They have a tendency to get too attached. And I think I just made the mistake of doing just that.
Derek and I had such a wonderful time together the night before that when he called to spend time with me tonight, I invited him over without thinking about the consequences. And now, for the past hour and a half, him and Kyle has been playing some SpongeBob game on Kyle's Playstation. I don't know if I made the right decision but I kind of figure that Derek isn't like the other half of the male population - he actually has a good heart.
I glance up from my infatuation with the television series Friday Night Lights to stare into my nephew's hazel eyes and a smile falls upon my lips, unknowlingly. "You do?"
He nods his head quickly and glances behind him to see if Derek is anywhere in sight. "He told me he likes you too, Auntie Sadie."
Heat rushes to my cheeks and I immediately place the bag of chips to my side as I wipe the greasy salt from my lips and sigh with happiness. "Thanks for letting me know that, kiddo."
Kyle moves closer to me and grabs my hand, "I'm gonna protect you." He whispers this.
I want to laugh. But all I can do is smile because of how much love I'm overwhelmed with when it comes to my six year-old nephew. I never thought it was possible to love someone as much as I love him. My heart is so full right now that I can barely breathe. "I know you are, kiddo. Love you." I ruffle his black hair as he runs back to his room and I'm left alone to my thoughts.
My cell phone vibrates beside me and I quickly glance to see who is calling and my heart jumps when I notice it is Trace - I haven't spoken to him in forever and my worry takes a hold of my body. Did something happen to him? Did something happen to Justin? Fear envelopes my body whole as I quickly answer the phone. "Hello?"
I hear his soft laughter and I'm immediately put to ease. Maybe he's just calling to see how I've been, after all, we're supposed to be friends. "Sadie? Hey! How've you been?"
I curl my legs beneath myself and glance at the television screen, I guess my show is just going to have to wait another night. "I've been good, Trace. What's going on with you?"
A woman's voice can be heard in the background and I raise my brows in question when I hear her blantantly cursing someone out. "Um, is now a bad time?" I ask, worried.
Trace's laughter once again erupts over the line and I immediately recognize the next voice. "Shut the fuck up, bitch!" I would be worried by Justin's tone but I can tell he is just playing because he also begins to laugh. "I'm talking to you, Trace, you dumbass fuck!"
Trace chooses to ignore him and my heart melts at the sheer happiness I hear in Justin's voice. I'm glad for him. But still...the aching in my heart hurts so much. "Its cool, Dee Dee - J is just getting put on blast by Deena, nothing new."
Deena? Who the hell is Deena? My heartbeat quickly begins to speed up and my lips become dry. I should've known it wouldn't take long for Justin to find someone else to use and manipulate, I mean, I've moved on so why wouldn't he? Techincally, he never moved on when I wasn't someone he was interested in the first place. "Oh, okay." I say, softly - my guard is up now.
"I was calling to invite you to this get together I'm having at the poetry club this Thursday." I can hear the smile in his voice. He's so damn happy. "Deena and I are gonna see if he's truly ready...Justin's performing." It is now completely quiet in the background and I wonder if Justin knows who Trace is talking to right now or if he does know...does he care? Probably not since he has Deena now.
I've never even heard Justin sing and I would jump at the chance but it'll be too awkward with me being there and we both agreed to leave one another alone - obviously the guy is done with me so why should I waste my time in going there?
And then it hits me - Trace is inviting me because he knows Justin needs support to do this -something he hasn't done in so long and he needs to know he has someone in his corner. And I told him I would always be there and I don't go back on any promises that I make to anyone. I lick my lips as I watch Derek enter the room, his green eyes dancing with mischief as he leaves over and places a soft kiss on my cheek, warming my low spirits just a bit.
I place my phone on mute and glance to this man who has made me feel so alive in just a matter of a few days. I owe Maria a lot. "What're you doing on Thursday night?"
He shrugs his broad shoulders and crosses his arms in front of his chest. "Whatever you're doing, babe."
A chuckle slips from my lips as I'm not used to such affection and I push loose strands of my hair away from my face as I try to hide the almost empty bag chips away from his view. I'm still not comfortable with him seeing me be a pig but one day I know he'll be exposed to this without me being able to do anything about it. "Oh...um, I was going ask you to come with me to this poetry club thing cause a friend of mine is performing...I mean, if y-you want to."
Derek kneels over me and places soft kisses along my jawline before whispering softly, "I'd love to."
I blush. Placing my phone off of mute, I bring the phone back to my ear. "You still there, Trace?"
"Yeah, hon, I'm here." He says this low as I now can hear Justin in the background again but this time around - he's talking to Trace...about me! My heart begins to pound violently once again and I lick my lips, nervously. "Dee, Justin wants to holler at you for a sec, is that okay?"
Be cool. "Thats fine." I whisper. I'm going to pee in my pants.
Derek is watching me curiously now. "Hey, Sadie." His light voice is so clear, so smooth and so...calm. I haven't seen him or spoken to him in so long but I know something's different about him. I just know.
I close my eyes. "Hi." This is all I can muster out.
His breathing is heavy over the line. "I've been meaning to call you." I bet you have, you liar. "I just got...caught up is all."
I roll my eyes now. "Listen, I'm happy that you're singing again and I'll be there to cheer you on." I say, quickly.
I can hear the smile in his voice. What is he smiling about? Where is his precious Deena? "Thanks, Sadie but there's something else I want to talk to you about - I was w-"
I scoff. "I'll see you then, okay? I gotta go." I hang up my phone before he can respond - its better this way...I can't dwell on Justin anymore, it brings no good to my soul.
Derek eyes me. "Is everything all right?"
I nod my head and smile up at him. Here is my future. Here is my prince. Here is my fairy tale. "Everything's just fine."
And it will be.
* * *
Song credit:
"Losing My Way" - You know who it is. lol.
