Source: Unknown
Now when you go to her
Speak truthfully
Honest as you can be from your heart
You're in a situation
But you're losing patience
Take your time and look her in the eyes
When you just can't find the words you want
And it's hard to reach a point
Where you both can understand
Don't just tell the truth
But tell the whole truth
It'll make a better man out of you
"Talk to Her" - India Arie
What have I gotten myself into? I don't think I'm able to do this - I can't do it! I'm not strong enough to walk into that place tonight and see...him. I don't have enough willpower to do something like this - I mean, I do want to see Justin succeed, trust me, I do, but I'm not capable of hiding my feelings for him anymore. I can't pretend everything is just peachy keen between us and how fair am I being towards Derek if I go with him to this thing tonight? Derek still has no clue that we're going to see the man who made me believe that fairy tales are true - and I won't tell him the short history between Justin and I but I don't even know how I'm going to play this off without looking like a complete idiot.
Running my fingers through my thick spirals of curls, I sigh - this is the first time I've ever spent more than twenty minutes trying to do something to my hair. For some reason, I feel the need to try to make myself feel more confident by trying at least the attempt to be pretty (far stretched, right?); thats the thing though, I'm not good with the whole 'getting ready' thing that us females do so I asked Patrice and Maria for their help and now I'm kind of regretting my decision of asking these two to come over here. They are wrecking my last nerve with all this arguing that they're doing. I wish they would just shut up.
I stare at myself in my full length mirror and turn sideways, sizing my body up with distaste, I groan. I look an absolute mess - I'll admit I've lost a couple of pounds since I've moved back down here but I credit this to me starving myself from truly letting myself be full when I eat anything; I realize men have some kind of power over me, they have a way of making me forget to eat, in fear that I will disgust them - since I've started hanging out with Derek on a daily basis, I know I haven't been anything but salads and whole wheat bread. Anyway, yeah, I lost a few pounds but I'm still seeing those white tiny stretchmarks lining across my navel and my cellulite is so apparent to the eye that I absolutely refuse to wear anything that doesn't go below my knees.
"I can't do this," I mumble to myself, as I stare at my reflection in the mirror - the only thing I can say positive about my appearance is...well, I can't find anything good to say about the way I look. I don't think I'll ever be content with I look. I shake my head, trying to force my gaze away from my chubby self. "Oh, I really can't do this."
Maria is in my closet, searching for anything decent that I can wear but I know I have nothing - I dress like a nun, no, seriously, I do - everything goes past my ankles almost and I'm always wearing long-sleeved shirts except for the days my sisters try to make me into somebody I'm just not...pretty. Patrice moves to stand beside me and shoves an outfit into my hands and her brows rise in question, "Try that on, all right?"
My eyes fall to the material in my hands and my head shakes immediately, I won't wear this, I refuse. "Um, I don't think this is a good idea." I mutter quietly, as my eyes lock with my sister beside me and she scoffs.
"Um, well, I do." She crosses her arms in front of her chest and waits for me to make any sort of movement of putting this slutty crap on my flesh. "Am I going to have to force you to put the shit on, Dee Dee? I don't like waiting - come on." She nudges me roughly in my side and I stumble slightly.
Thanks, sis.
Groaning with annoyance, I place the material over my head and I pull it down over my wide frame, knowing full well I will look a complete mess - as I situate myself in the silky black dress, I turn my eyes to the mirror. And I smirk. Okay, maybe I was wrong. I look...somewhat acceptable to the visible eye. The off the shoulder black dress hugs tightly against my chest but flows freely at my waist, a tiny slit is on the left side of the dress and it stops right at my knees - I smile now. Patrice whistles with pleasure.
"Do I have good taste or what? Derek will get a boner for sure tonight." My eyebrows rise in confusion.
A boner? What is she talking about? I guess thats something good cause she's smiling, yeah, it must be good.
Maria sighs, loudly - making her distaste known as she steps back into my room, upset. "You didn't even try on what I got you!" She stomps her foot into the ground, adamantly, "Sadie, thats not fair and you know it!"
Oh, Lord, here we go...again.
Patrice scoffs. "Let me see what you got." I look to her in surprise, usually she is quick to say some crude comment but right now she's smiling and walking over to Maria, taking the halter top and leather mini skirt from her hands. Patrice chuckles, "Only hookers wear this shit, Maria."
Maria appears offended as she snatches the outfit from Patrice and rolls her eyes. "This is mine, Patrice."
I turn my head as heat rushes to my cheeks and I want to laugh but I'm trying to fight it cause I know it'll only hurt Maria's feelings even more now - Patrice doesn't hold back her amusment as laughter erupts from her lips, her face turns with red as she leans on to me for support. "My point exactly."
Maria opens her mouth to speak but then closes it abruptly, instead choosing to stomp out of my room with anger. I want to go after her and apologize for Patrice's actions but I know it'll do no good unless I actually wear what she wants me to - and I just can't do that. "That was mean, Pat." I whisper, my voice low.
"I'm being me, Sadie - I'm mean."
I shake my head. I don't have time to go back and forth with her as my eyes glance over to the alarm clock beside my bed - Derek is supposed to be here in thirty minutes and I still need to choose what shoes to wear and try to do something to my face. I lick my lips quickly and force thoughts of seeing Justin out of my mind.
"Come on and help me with my makeup." My voice is low as I move to my bathroom and Patrice follows close behind me.
She's still smiling. "I'm 'bout to hook you the fuck up."
* * *
My nerves are getting the best of me now - I'm numb to my surroundings and I don't realize whats going on around me until I feel the flesh of Derek against me - leaning my body against him, I glance around the small, cramped jazz club; I still haven't seen any signs of Justin or Trace since I've gotten here and I'm wondering if this was some big hoax they're playing on me. If so, I don't find any part of it funny.
"Have I already told you how nice you look tonight?" Derek's speaking to me now and I don't glance his way as I nod my head. Yeah, you have...three times already. I know I should be smitten with his compliments but now they're just annoying the crap out of me. My mind is elsewhere - my mind is on how exactly I'm going to react when I come face to face with Justin. I brought Derek along hoping he'll distract me but if anything, I really wish he'd go away. I'm a horrible person, right? I know I am - but I can't help it...I like him, I really do but these feelings I'm having for another man are growing stronger each passing day; how exactly do you get over someone you never had in the first place? I'm not the type to use anyone and I won't start now...maybe, I need closure. I nod my head. Yeah, thats what it is...if I get closure tonight with Justin then I'm free to move on with Derek.
I grin. Its feel good to know I've got everything worked out. My eyes wander to the stage and then to the side and my grin widens, I see Trace looking behind the curtains, searching for someone in particular. My heartbeat increases as I stand from my sitting position and fight the urge to roll my eyes when Derek begins to stand along with me, I place my hand up to stop him. "I see my friend in the back," He nods his head as if he understands and I wink my eye at him. I'm still getting used to interacting with the opposite sex on such an intimate level. "I'll be right back, okay?" I don't wait for him to respond as I am already making my way to the sidestage.
I'm so damn nervous - sweat beads are forming on my forehead and I'm praying it doesn't mess up my mascara or light bronze eyeshadow. Trace's brown eyes finally find me and my anxiety subsides, slightly as he envelopes my frame into his own - I rest my head in the crook of his neck and inhale his strong aroma. He smells good. I've missed him.
He pulls me behind the curtain and now I'm in the hallway of what I'm guessing is the backstage - people are running around, getting ready, and I feel somewhat out of place with what I'm wearing when I notice Trace has on a baggy T-shirt and some jeans. Yeah, I really don't know how to dress for the occasion. He stares at me in silence for a minute or two and I'm worried he's disgusted by my flabby arms - I know I've worn something to cover these ugly things up! I'm so stupid...so stupid.
He takes my hand in his and guides me down the hallway, "You look great, babe," His voice is cheery, happy. And I can't help but feel warm inside. I want him to be happy. "I thought you weren't going to make it."
I shake my head. "I wasn't going to miss this." I say, low as my eyes fall over to Justin's mother, Lynn and a very, petite, attractive black woman - they're standing in front of black door leading into what I can only assume the room Justin is in. Here goes nothing....
"Sadie!" I'm startled as Lynn sees me and pushes Trace out of the way so she can embrace me. I've missed her, too. "Its so good to see you, honey."
Pulling back from our embrace, my eyes twinkle. "Its good to see you, too." I let out a deep breath and this is when the black woman moves beside Lynn, studying me closely, looking over my body, making me feel extremely uncomfortable.
"She's okay, Deena." Trace says, laughing.
Apparently this is funny to him. My eyes widen slightly - so this is Deena? Even though I'm sort of afraid of her right now, I have to admit...she's really beautiful - her caramel complexion shines brightly underneath the lights above us and her deep, chestnut brown eyes seem to sparkle with mischief - her hair is done in a small afro but it suits her round, oval shaped face, all I can think is why is her wide eyes staring at me like that? Like she wants to kill me.
Lynn pinches Deena in the side, playfully. "Be nice." She whispers and I'm not sure if I was supposed to hear that or not.
Yes, please be nice, Deena, please.
Her stone cold features suddenly breaks into a soft smile and she cocks her to the side, eyeing me, gently. "Don't be scared, girl, I'm just bullshitting with you." She winks at Trace and nods her head and my eyebrows rise in question. What was that about? I feel like I want to go back to Derek...right now. "Deena is my name and I'm sorry I didn't meet you when my two friends were being a complete jackass to you - I would've kept them in check."
Ah, this makes sense now. A weak smile etches onto my frightened features. "So, you and Justin are just friends?"
Deena squints her eyes at me and chuckles softly, nodding her head. "Uh, yeah." She playfully nudges Trace in his shoulder and cuts her eyes at me. "We're all friends..why you worried about me and Jay though?"
I can't believe I thought she was his girlfriend - I didn't even know the girl and I had already pass judgement on her. I was so wrong. I feel like an idiot. I lick my lips quickly and I glance around me to see all of three of these people are staring at me with smiles on their faces. "Whats wrong?" I ask, worried.
Lynn wraps her arounds my shoulders drawing me into her watermelon scent. "Ah, you like my baby, honey?"
Heat rushes to my cheeks as I bury my face in my hands and shake my head, quickly. I will deny this to my grave! "Lynn, its not like that. I mean, I do like Justin...as a friend, I do." I say, low, afraid Justin will hear me.
Deena rolls her eyes. "You're lying." How can she just say something like that? She doesn't know me! I look away from her strong gaze - she's making me uneasy.
Trace shrugs his shoulders as if he doesn't care. "Come on, Sadie - I think the man of the hour would like to see you." I want to throw up on Deena.
I decide now that I still don't like her. She's out to destroy me. I follow behind Trace as he opens the door in front of us and I timidly step into the room. My breath is caught in my throat as I see him standing in front of the mirror messing with his short, brown curls. God, I don't ever remember him looking this good. He's shaved and he has some sort of tan going on and I don't remember him being that tall or maybe I just never really paid it any attention before - and then there is his eyes. They're so light, so clear, so blue...so happy. I've never seem him this happy. My heart begins to fill up with warmth.
He doesn't seem to see me yet, he only notices Trace as he smiles at his reflection. "Dude, I can't believe I let Deena cut my hair." He runs his fingers through his barely there curls and groans with displeasure. "I look like a little kid."
Trace smirks. "Shit, anything is an improvement from how you were looking before."
Justin immediately turns around, ready to confront his best friend and then his eyes land on me. And I want to die. I'm so damn scared, again. I nervously cross my arms in front of my chest and I try to fight the urge to not look into his deep blue eyes but I can't help it - they're hypnotic. I wonder whats going through his mind right now. I wonder if he's regretting me being here. I wonder does he think I look like some fat pig in this stupid dress? What was I thinking? I lick my glossy lips with anxiety and take a deep breath, trying to settle my fears but it does nothing for me.
I wish he'd stop looking at me like that. I don't know what's thinking as his eyes roam over my body - why does everyone feel the need to size me up? I know I'm fat! Do they think I can't see them looking at me like I'm some kind of monster or something? Well its now, that I notice his tight-fitting white T-shirt and loose blue jeans that hug his hips perfectly. God, he does look amazing! Maybe he looks so better because he got rid of me and chubby ways? I smirk. I wouldn't be surprised if this is the truth.
Trace breaks the silence, annoyed. "Um, can ya'll say something please?"
Justin breaks his gaze away from me briefly before glancing to his friend - his features are serious. "Give me a minute with Sadie." He says this as not a request but a demand and I'm hoping that Trace refuses to leave.
No such luck. "Ah, I see you, buddy boy." Trace moves to me on his way out of the room, and kisses me briefly on the cheek, whispering so that only I can her. "Girl, relax."
I close my eyes briefly as I hear the door close behind me and I decide to end this unwanted silence between the both of us. "Are you excited?" My voice comes out timid as my eyes continue to stare into his blue ocean.
He glances down to the floor beneath him before looking to me again and he smiles. I can't breathe. I can't seem think straight. He has the most gorgeous smile I've ever seen. Where is Derek? Why hasn't he come and checked on me yet? Isn't he worried? "I am now."
I purse my lips together, confused. What does he mean by that? "Um, you look really good." My eyes widen because I can't believe I just said that - my breathing increases when I see his smile has widened. He's happy to see me so uncomfortable? I guess look like a complete fool in his eyes. "I mean...I d-didn't mean it like that, I mean, I, um-"
He chuckles softly. "Sadie?"
I sigh, embarrassed. "Yeah?"
Justin steps closer to me, still smiling. His eyes are so beautiful. I want to dive in them. Okay, that was extremely lame. What is wrong with me?
"I miss you."
I'm speechless, I'm numb, I think I might have just peed on myself because this is the last thing I expected him to say. My insides are swimming with nausea. I'm going to vomit soon. I have a headache now, at least, I think I do. I feel hot and dizzy and my mind is racing with thoughts. What am I supposed to say to something like that? I can't I miss him too because then I'll make myself look like a fool and then what about Derek? I groan. I completely forgot about Derek...again. This is supposed to be the night I get closure, I don't need these feelings to keep growing for this guy...its not right, its not good for me or him. I mean, what do I have to offer him? I'm too insecure and I know he'll be embarrassed to be seen with me. He has to be.
And what can he do for me? I start teaching this following week and what can I do with a recovering junkie? Lord, forgive me for thinking this but its true. We both do not benefit from each other. I'm not strong enough to be around him.
"I don't expect you to say anything back," He's speaking now. He is still smiling, still so damn happy. Okay, forget whats wrong with me...what the hell is wrong with him? "I just need to be honest with myself from now on."
I cut my eyes away from his longing gaze. "Um, okay."
Justin smirks. "I'm so glad you're here for this, Sadie." He whispers softly, I don't know exactly why he is whispering and I don't know why I'm breathing so hard.
I need to get myself together. "You are?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I see him nod his head. "You need to know this - after I really get my shit together, I want to make things right between us." I look at him now, my eyebrows raised. There's an us? He runs his fingers through his hair, again. "I'm the happiest I've ever been in a long ass time, Dee, and just seeing you here tonight just made me realize how much I want you to be a part of my happiness."
My arms drop to my sides and I shrug my shoulders, helpless. "W-What exactly are you saying?"
He moves even more closer to me now and my eyes widen slightly. "I-I don't know exactly, I just know I want you in my life." His eyes search my own for answers.
A smile works its onto my features as I relax, slightly. I believe what he is saying. I think he's being truthful with me. "O-Okay," I mumble softly, and I watch in amazement as he holds out his arms for me to enter. I cautiously step into his embrace and sigh softly when his cologne fills my nostrils - damn, he smells good. His muscular arms envelope my body and he rests his head into the crook my neck, squeezing onto me tightly, I almost can't breath...literally.
Giggling, I try to loosen his grip on me. "I...can't...breathe!" I say, in between fits of laughter. I don't know why I'm laughing right now but this warm, glorious feeling took a hold of me suddenly when he wrapped me up in his embrace.
He loosens his grip on me some and pulls his head back to stare down into my brown, wide eyes. "You look amazing, Sadie."
Heat rushes to my cheeks, once again as I find myself blushing and I cut my eyes away from him. I don't believe him but it feels so damn good to hear it, anyway. I lick my lips and my smile widens. "Thanks."
Letting me go, to my disappointment, he glances to the clock above my head and chuckles. "Twenty minutes 'til I hit the stage," He stretches his arms over his head, releasing some tension and I watch him, silently.
My mind races back to Derek and I know I have to get back to him now - I've been gone for more than thirty minutes. I'm such a horrible date. "Well, I'll just talk to you after you perform, okay?"
His eyes widen and he shakes his head, grabbing my arm as I move to the door and pulling me back towards him. "Where you think you're going?" The electricity shock from his flesh to mine sends me in a frenzy. A very hot frenzy.
I breathe, slowly. "S-Someone's with me." I whimper out.
Justin cocks his head to the side, studying me. Almost instantly, he drops my hand from his and smirks. "Oh, why didn't you say something a while ago?" A smile is still on my face, "You could've brought her back here. Go get her!" He says this, excitedly.
My heart aches. I shouldn't have brought Derek. Oh, this just isn't fair. I shake my head. "She's a he." I say, looking up at him, sadly.
The smile falls from his precious features and I can't read him anymore as he stands emotionless, just staring - the only thing I can hear is the ticking of the clock behind me and my own heavy breathing. I should just go. I hear the door open behind me and I watch in silence as Justin moves around me, not paying anymore attention to me as he begins talking to that girl...Deena.
I'm so stupid! I shake my head, regretfully. Turning around, I see Trace move to me, smiling. "Some guy is asking for you out there, Dee."
Great, I've probably ruined any chances of being on good terms with Justin, again and now my future potential boyfriend might be done with me after tonight. I so want to be away from the male species right now. Pursing my lips together, I nod my head. "Thanks, Trace." I mumble softly, moving towards the door and glancing behind me at Justin who seems to be so entranced with his conversation with Deena. God, I wish she wasn't so pretty. There isn't a pimple in sight on her flawless skin.
I hate pretty girls, I just hate them. Or at least the ones who Justin knows.
I should speak up. "See you after you perform...right?" I ask him.
He doesn't even give me the time of day. Instead he waves me off and continues to stare at Deena, the beautiful one, making me feel worthless. What did I do wrong? "Yeah, whatever."
How can he switch his attitudes so quickly? And they say us women are rough to be around when its that time of the month but these men have me fooled. I just want to know what I did...what did I do?
* * *
Cheers, screams, whistles, and hollers echo throughout the cramped room as Justin exits off the stage and a proud smile graces my features as I continually clap for him even now as he is off the stage. Can I just say...this man has talent that he should've never turned his back on? He only sang two songs - it was just him and his guitar but it felt so intimate, so raw. Shivers continue to run through my body listening to aching voice but I'm not sure if it was for his voice or the way he was glaring at me through the whole set.
It wasn't like he was mad at me, was it? I still don't know what I did wrong. I figured he must be made that I wanted to leave him earlier. But I had to go...Derek is here. This man besides me amazes me still - he wasn't even in the least upset with me for having him wait so long. If anything, he seemed very content that I was getting to spend time with an old friend. Maybe he does deserve a chance.
I take his hand as he helps me up from my seat and hands me my black purse - he jiggles his car keys in his hand and I know he's probably ready to go but I promised I would say goodbye to everyone. And I don't go back on my promises. "Come with me right quick, okay?" I ask now, and he nods his head.
I let out a breath of relief and take his hand in mine, leading him to the backstage. They're still celebrating his performance as I see Lynn dancing with her husband, happily and Trace seems to be in a excited conversation with Deena, who is all smiles. I frown instantly. Where's Justin. I drop Derek's hand from my own and move further down the hallway, my worries increasing.
"Sadie, wasn't he great?" Trace's estactic tone erupts me from my worried state and I welcome him into my embrace, faking a smile.
"He was great." I speak, honestly. Trace eyes Derek who stands behind me and I quickly introduce everyone to my new "friend" and excuse myself to Justin's dressing room. I need to know that he's okay.
Stepping inside and shutting the door, I groan when I see him pouring a plastic cup full of Jack Daniels. I shake my head. "What're you doing?" I ask, worried, instantly moving by his side and taking the bottle and cup from his grasp. "You don't need this."
He scoffs. "How do you know what I need, Sadie, huh?" My eyes widen at his rough tone. You'd never expect that the man who just exited off that stage would be so cruel. "If you knew what I needed you wouldn't have brought him to my big night."
I throw the contents in my hands in the trash behind me and my brows rise. "Who? Derek?" I'm confused. Why is he upset with Derek? He doesn't even know him.
Justin rolls his eyes. "Who else would I be talking 'bout?" He squints his eyes at me, clasping his hands together tightly, he shakes his head, furiously. "What the fuck are you doing, Sadie? Are you trying to get back at me for how I treated you in the beginning? Is that what this is?" His voice is steadily increasing in volume and I'm become more worried by the moment.
I step back from him, terrified. "Calm down, Justin." I mumble, softly.
He laughs, bitterly. "Are you trying to hurt me?" He whispers this now.
I immediately shake my head. "Of course not."
Running his hands over his face, tired, he moans. "Who is he - your man now?"
I sigh. "He's a friend, Justin." I look away from him, confused. "I don't see what the big deal is, I mean I w-"
Justin groans loudly, "The big fucking deal is that I like you, Sadie." He throws his hands up in the air, frustrated and my heart is caught in my throat. "There. I said it, finally - I like you! What you think 'bout that, huh?" He asks, roughly.
I shrug my shoulders. I don't know what to think. I need to sit down. I move to the couch pushed up against the wall and I sit down, slowly, resting my face into my hands, I breathe deeply. What to do? What to say? This isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I thought would ever happen. Can't anything ever go the way I want it to?
"I...don't...know." I whimper, softly.
Justin snorts. "Wrong answer." He mutters, angrily. "Just go, Sadie - get out."
Tears cloud my vision as I force myself to stand up. Why he is putting through all of this torture? What is wrong with him?
I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me?
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity
"What do you want from me, Justin?" I find myself screaming now, tears flowing down my face. I'm so fucking scared right now of what I'm feeling. This is why I never wanted to be involved with the opposite sex...they just use and manipulate your feelings to their own advantage. "I don't know what you want me to do!"
I think my loud voice catches him off guard cause he's just staring at me now, his expression hard and rough. I don't care how angry he is with me now. I don't even know why he's acting like this. Derek is just my friend! My friend who I make out with sometimes!
I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
I cry out softly. I'm so embarrassed to be crying in front of him but right now I can't think of anything but the pain in my heart. Why does he have the effect on me? Why won't he just leave me and my insecure soul alone? Just leave me alone is all I want! I shake my head, sadly, "I can't d-do this." I mutter, moving towards the door.
"No, you're not leaving." He speaks up now, quickly he moves in front of me, blocking my way. His blue eyes are dark now, full of something I don't really care to think about.
I sigh, loudly. "Please, leave me alone, Justin." Tears continue to fall from my eyes. Dammit! "Please." I whimper out, dejectedly.
"Come 'ere," He whispers now, pulling me into his embrace and I bury my face into his chest, moaning with sadness. I wish I didn't like him so much. I wish he can be a pain in the ass most of the time and make it easier for me to hate him. But even I know I won't be able to stop my feelings even if I tried. "Shhh," his cool breath sends shivers through my spine as he breathes into my waves of curls and rubs my back, affectionately.
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
Oh, God. I can't think straight. I'm dying here. I pull my head back to look into his eyes, and I'm confused to as why he is smiling. But I don't speak my questions instead I speak the truth. "I like you, too."
A smile warms his features as his hands find my cheeks and his thumbs wipe away from dry tears, he chuckles softly. "Yeah, I kind of figured that."
I laugh, softly. Yeah, only a basketcase will react like this. I think I'm losing my mind. I lean my forehead against his and breathe in deeply as his hands fall from my face to waist. I close my eyes briefly before reacting without thinking, moving closer to him, I crush his mouth with my own.
I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here
I don't know whats come over me but I can't think of anything but how amazingly good it feels to kiss this man before me - at first, I'm pretty sure I caught him off guard because he stood emotionless, but that lasted for about a second or so because he then brought his hands to my face again, gently rubbing my flesh with his own. My hands travel to the nape of his neck and a moan escapes my mouth as his tongue enters parts my lips and he explores me.
I'm so damn nervous right now but I'm trying to just go with the flow. Be a pro. Yeah, whatever. I don't remember his lips being this soft, this tasty, as his tongue graces over my lips lightly, causing me to tremble - I hold onto him for dear life as he moves his lips to my exposed neck. Oh, God...what is he doing? Flicking his essence over my bare skin, my hands immediately reach for his hair, gripping onto anything as I'm starting to feel hot and I'm not exactly as to why; his hands have now moved to the curve of my behind and I don't stop him as he pushes me up against the wall.
What am I doing?
"Oh...god...Sadie," He's groaning now, in between his wet kisses he is placing along my shoulders. This is making me laugh - the way it feels - so sacred, so intimate. His lips travel to my chest and my heartbeat increases as I feel him pull down the front of my dress. He's struggling. "Help me out here," He's chuckling.
I'm not sure if I want him to do this. I'm not sure if this is right. But I don't speak, instead, I move his hands and pull the dress down myself, my mind not grasping what I'm doing right now - I don't think I'm truly understanding that my breasts are exposed for the first time to anyone that isn't me. I don't have time to think about this because a warm sensation hits me blow my navel as his cool mouth takes my nipple into his essence. God, what I have been missing?
If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
Rolling my eyes to the ceiling, I hear his groans as he takes my free hand into his own and guides me to the bulge in his jeans. My eyes widen. What am I supposed to do now? I can't concentrate as he begins nibbling gently on my breast, causing moans to erupt from within me - it feels like I'm going to explode, I'm so damn hot. Is it hot in here to him? Cause I'm burning the hell up! I don't know what's going on with me. I need him to stop.
Grabbing a hold of his face, I capture his mouth once again and surprisingly, our tongues do some kind of weird sexual dance as I take his bottom lip into my mouth, sucking on it softly before moving my mouth to his jawline, placing wet, kisses along his cheeks, his neck, his ear and back to reclaim my heaven that is this man's mouth. My arms wrap around his neck as he grabs my thighs, forcing me to wrap them around his skinny waist.
"Oh...my...god," I moan out as I feel his bulge come in contact with my own flesh, I'm now sweating like crazy, and if I keep going at this rate...I won't be a virgin for too long. What has happened to sweet, innocent Sadie? The shrilling ringing of my cell phone brings me to reality as I notice its Zora's ringtone. I have to answer this. It could be a emergency. "J-Justin...mmmmhmmm...Justin," I moan, as he sucks on my neck, roughly, his hands are gripping on my waist, forcing me to feel everything that he has to offer and let me just say, I'm kind of scared...cause its a lot. No lie.
"Stop." I say now, dropping my legs from his waist and moving away from him. Instantly, I cover my bare breasts and reach for my phone. Breathing heavily, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. What the hell is all those red marks on my neck? I groan. Oh, God...Derek is so through with me now. "H-Hello?" I breathe loudly into my phone, hating my sister for interrupting this moment, this oh so important moment for me.
Zora sounds pissed. "Get your ass to the house...now."
Horny hormones waste away from my body as I worry that something's wrong with my sister or worse, my nephew. "What's going on?"
She's coughing. "Jade's here." My eyes widen. I hear people in the background and I know that scolding voice from anyone. "Mom's here, too - Sadie hurry, its something serious." The line goes dead as I stare into my phone, frightened.
I need to get out of here. Justin is messing around with his pants...I squint my eyes...thats weird. He looks really uncomfortable. "I gotta go." For some reason, I'm extremely calm. I'm not freaking out.
Shocking, huh?
I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can
His eyes widen. "W-Wha?" He looks away from me, nervous. "I'm sorry if I overstepped my boundaries, I-"
I smile. "You did nothing wrong, J." I speak, softly. "I wanted it to happen."
His smile is so wide I wonder if it is hurting his face. "You did?" I nod my head. "Oh, thats a relief." He touches his chest but then frowns. "Is everything all right?"
I shrug my shoulders while gathering my purse and trying to pull my hair over my neck to cover the various "love marks" on my flesh - I still need Derek to drive me home. "Its a family thing - but I'm fine."
He nods his head as he moves to the door with me, he won't look me in the eye. "Sadie?"
I glance to him quickly. "Yeah?"
"What does this mean?"
I glance to my hands, usually by now, they'll be trembling with fear, but I'm shocking myself at how calm I am. This guy just got a look at my rack - more importantly, he sucked on them! And I'm still completely calm.
I like this feeling of being in control.
I shrug my shoulders. "It means...," My voice drifts off as I smirk with happiness. "We have some things we need to talk about as soon as possible." I lean to him and brush my lips over his cheek and as I hear him intake a deep breath, I giggle. "I'll be seeing you soon, okay?" I say as I turn the doorknob and move myself out into the hallway with Derek standing beside Trace involved in a deep conversation. I smile.
Derek grins when he sees me. "You ready?"
I nod my head. He takes my hand into his own and I mouth my goodbyes to everyone - a warmth still lingering on my essence. I'm so damn happy. And I know it won't last. For my whole family to be together at once brings nothing but trouble but I can't seem to let my mind focus on that right now. I still feel the warmth of his skin against mine, his soft lips against my flesh, his smile, his laugh and all I want right now is to think about when we can do it again.
Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love
* * *
Song Credit:
"Ready For Love" by India Arie
