Source: 1 John 3:18
Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires
"Whisper" - A Fine Frenzy
"Come 'ere, little Sadie," Jade's gentle, caring voice brings me to my feet and I move quickly across her room to her side - she sits in front of her face mirror, holding up two different lipsticks. "What you think looks better for tonight? The red or the light pink?"
I rock my body on the balls of my feet and clasp my hands together nervously - I really don't think she should be coming to me for advice...doesn't she see Zora in the room, also? I lick my chapped lips and push away the loose strands of my red hair from my eyesight. "I don't know...what you think, Z?" I look behind me at my sister who is combing her thick blonde locks, not giving me any kind of attention.
I guess she doesn't think anything. Jade smiles at me through her mirror and her light brown eyes glisten. "My little Sadie is always so nervous."
"Big Sadie is more like it." Patrice's scratchy tone causes me to be startled just a bit and I lower my eyes, sadly.
Jade scoffs. "Watch your mouth, girl." Her voice is stern, hard - I don't really get hurt by the things Patrice says about me, I've been used to the fat jokes for far too long to let it effect me now, but I know that if anyone says anything degrading towards me in Jade or Zora's presence...they become defensive. "What did I tell you 'bout saying nasty things?"
I glance up and lock eyes with Patrice who is shooting me a death glare right now - I gulp, anxiously. "Whatever," She mumbles in response and walks out of the room, folding her arms in front of plumped chest, full of anger.
I shake my head. "She's gonna get me later, Jade." I speak softly, moving closer to my eldest sibling, I tentatively place my hand on her shoulder and she pats my hand gently, leaning her cheek against my flesh.
Zora seems oblivious to what is going on because she is steady brushing her hair hundred times on each side - weird. "No one's going to 'get' you," She winks at me, "At least not as long as I'm 'round to protect you and you know I ain't going nowhere."
I breathe out a sigh of relief. "You're not?"
She shakes her head. "Babe, I'm not leaving you and Z behind - when you two graduate school...ya'll are coming with me." A wide smile appears among my features as she forces the two lipsticks in my face. "Now enough of that talk...help me choose!" I quickly point to the light pink and she grins. "I'm so glad we both have good taste."
I'm trying to slow down my heavy breathing some but to no avail as Derek pulls up into my driveway - my eyes instantly recognize my mother's black Mercedes Benz and the palms of my hands become sweaty; the whole ride here I hadn't really thought of what could happen once I get home, once I see my sister for the first time in ten years, once I'm confronted with my mother, again - I had let my mind wander to a more safe route...Derek.
I've stared at his profile for the last twenty minutes wondering how I could possibly tell him that I think my heart belonged to another - who am I to ruin something in the making when I'm not sure of what will be left for me in the process? Thoughts of what I let occur earlier haven't seeped into my veins yet, I mean, if I really think about it, I become extremely antsy and nervous so I'm trying my very best to direct my focus on Derek - my phone has been vibrating ever since I left the club and when I notice that all of my missed calls was Justin, I didn't know exactly what to do with myself.
I like him so much that sometimes it actually hurts to think about it - I know that a person can't have everything that they want but still...I wish there is a way to keep Derek in my life and still have those makeout sessions with Justin. Thats dirty, right? Well, shoot me for my bad decisions, shoot me for making an ass of myself earlier, shoot me liking two men at one time, shoot me because I don't want to be caught in the middle. I see possibility with Derek - when I look into his eyes, I see a future, I see happiness and I deserve some sort of happiness however little it might be...I still need it and when it comes to Justin...I don't see anything, I don't see a future, I don't see happiness all I know is what I feel at this moment, in this time and when I think of him? My heart swells and I know that has got to mean something because I've never felt that way before, period.
So, what should I do?
"Do you want me to come in with you?" Derek's graspy voice draws me back to reality and I lick my lips quickly.
I hold my purse tightle in my lap and remember where exactly I am at and what I'm about to step into - "Um, its okay, I can handle it." I look into those deep green eyes of his and my heart drops. I don't want to hurt him but I don't know if its best to continue whatever we have going on if there is even a slightest chance that maybe Justin and I have anything together.
I place my hand on the door handle and turn it, opening the door. I smile, halfheartedly. "Tonight was nice, thank you." And I truly do mean this - I have to give the guy some credit because he stuck around even when I was so obviously enraptured with someone else.
Guilt consumes me as I think of this - "I should be the one thanking you for inviting me." I rise my brows in question and he smiles. "Will you consider something for me?"
I glance away from his gaze and wonder silently what could he possibly want from me. "Sure." I whisper out into the cool air.
His flesh brushes against mine as I feel his fingertips grazing my arm softly, sending chills through me, I quickly fluff my hair over my neck, remembering my embarrassing debut of affection towards Justin earlier - I'm surprised that Derek hasn't notice it yet...I should count my blessings.
"Sadie?" I force my eyes to his and inhale a sharp breath of air as his lips find mine, I freeze instantly, scared. If it weren't any other day, I would jump at the chance to smother this man with my kisses but after tonight, I feel...like I'm betraying not only him, but also Justin and myself - it just doesn't feel right, at all. But I don't push him back for fear that I will hurt his ego instead I place my hands onto his shoulders, easing myself onto his moist tongue. I won't deny he is a good kisser but he still doesn't have anything on that blue-eyed cutie from around the way. I close my eyes as his large hands pull me nearer to him by pushing on the base of my back, and I know this is dangerous territory as he breaks our kiss and tries to move his lips down southward...to my hickey exposed neck.
I'm on guard as I back away from our embrace and breathe heavily, trying to slow down my breathing. God, please me, I'm such a very bad person. "Um, sorry I just stopped it so suddenly but," I need a quick lie and fast, "I don't want to, um, g-get too carried away when I need to be inside w-with my family." Okay, this is the truth.
Derek nods his head slowly but quickly brushes his lips over my cheek and lowers his head to center his focus on my eyes, my very lying, deceptive eyes. "You don't have to explain yourself to me, pretty lady." This rolls off his tongue so easily, so carelessly, that I almost believe him. I said I almost believed him. "Just consider the idea of an us."
I almost choke. "An us?" My eyes are wide as saucers, they just have to be.
He chuckles. "Yeah, an 'us' - I like spending time with you, Sadie and I hope the feelings mutual," When I don't say anything, his smile subsides, "Is the feeling mutual?"
I smirk. "Yes, it is."
The smile returns. "Good." He takes a hold of my left hand and holds it into his own, squeezing. "You don't have to answer right now...just sleep on it and we'll talk about it tomorrow. Is that fair enough?"
I break my gaze and sigh. I need to tell him that there is someone else, I need to let him know that I like him, I really do, but my heart belongs to another, I need to tell him that I could never give myself to him completely without having this other man in the back of my mind...haunting me - but instead, I smile sheepishly and kiss him.
"I will think about it - I've been thinking 'bout it already."
Well, I guess the honesty route just flew right out the window.
"How do I look in this?" I ask my sister Zora, as I stand before her in my cheerleading uniform, dreading the seconds until I will have to put my fat behind on the football field for everyone to make a laughing stock of me. Yeah, go team, by the way!
Zora eyes the blue and white stripped patterns and nods her head in approval - she seems to always agree with anything that I throw her way, I guess thats her way of being supportive but sometimes I just want brutal honesty from her - she's the only person I can trust with the truth. "I like it."
I shake my head. "I look like a pig on crack."
She snorts. "Sure you do, sis." Is she serious? "Lighten up, please." I roll my eyes.
"You want to know what I think?" Zora curses underneath her breath as my mother steps further into our room, eyeing my attire.
I have to shit bricks. "No, she really doesn't give a fuck 'bout what you think, Mother." Zora speaks calmly, folding her arms in front of her chest. My sisters have all learned to talk to our mother anyway that they please and she lets them get away with it, too - but me on the other hand? I know better. I pick my words carefully when I'm around her.
Mabel ignores Zora's crude comment. "Have you ate today?" I shake my head quickly. "Good." I'm holding my stomach in right now so that my mother won't notice the pudge.
Zora hears her son whimpering softly in the nursery and she vacants the room but not before cursing at my mother one more time. "That girl has absolutely no respect for her elders." My mother mumbles this underneath her breath as she moves closer to me, her soft fingers brush over my rough skin. "Have you been using the ProActiv cream I bought you?"
"Yes."
She frowns. "Its not working for shit," She stares at the red acne on my cheeks. "Your face looks hideous." I sniffle softly as I break my gaze away from her.
I'm used to how she is but still..it hurts. "It doesn't go away s-so fast, M-Mother."
She pokes me in my ribs causing me to jump. "What have I told you about stuttering? Stop that shit right now, I mean it," she pokes me again, but this time much harder. "And what the hell is going on with your hips? They're as fatty as greasy bacon." I open my mouth to speak but she pushes me out of my room. "Get your ass on the treadmill and run four miles, now."
I sigh, loudly. She's gonna kill me soon. "But Mother, I a-already ran three this mo-"
She hits me in the back of my head and I immediately lean against the wall, my head suddenly aching. "Stop with the goddamn stuttering! And get your hideous ass on that treadmill now!"
I don't protest now as tears cloud my vision and I rush to the workout gym but not before I hear my mother's last words and not before I cry out in sadness. I'm such a wreck.
"Fatass bitch."
I prepare myself for anything as I step into my home - my eyes immediately greeted with three faces I know so well - Zora, Mabel and Patrice, and then one face I'm confused by, my heart races as tears rush to my eyelids - "J-Jade?"
The tall, very short-haired, skinny version of my eldest sibling nods her head sadly as she forces herself up from Zora's leather couch, moving to me instantly. I'm speechless as I rush into her embrace not exactly realizing how much I've missed her so; Jade is the one who held this crazy family of mine together for so long when I was growing up, and then when she left...it felt as if we couldn't stand on our own without her. I hold onto her tightly and rest my head into the crook of her neck trying my best to inhale her fragrance like I used to do when we were kids, but to no avail.
She pushes back from our embrace, her eyes wander over my chubby figure and I figure she's disgusted with how I turned out but instead she whispers gently, "What a beautiful woman you've become."
I blush but then frown as my mother coughs her disagreement. I step back from our embrace but I hold on tightly to her hand, forgetting that there are other people in the room, other people watching me. "How are you? What're you doing back in town? How long are you going to stay?" Questions tumble from my lips quickly as I'm so fidgety and nervous.
Jade glances to our sisters and mother and I suddenly notice the sadness in the room, I lock eyes with Zora and expect her eyes to be full of hatred towards our older sister but instead she looks as if she is going to breakdown sometime soon. What the hell is going on?
"I'm so disappointed in you, Sadie Anne." My mother is speaking to me and I refuse to look at her in the eye. "You're fooling 'round with that town junkie like he's the Godsend on Earth - are you that desperate?" I close my eyes briefly and she chuckles. What a bitch. "You probably are."
Patrice rolls her eyes, annoyed. "Mother, shut the hell up." Mabel looks surprised as hell. I almost smile. "Why do you insist on getting your kicks in on Dee Dee when there is more important shit we got to deal with?"
Mabel looks bored as she continues to stare at me silently in disdain. I wonder silently how does she know about Justin and I? My sisters wouldn't stoop that low and tell them anything...or would they? Zora now is crying silently and I don't like to see her this way so I become protective, worried, even. "Can someone please tell me whats going on?" I glance to Jade. "I love having you here but why after all of this time? Why are you here?"
Zora whimpers. "Cause she's a fucking liar, thats why!" And as she says this, she escapes to her bedroom and locks the door.
Something is definitely up.
Jade seems distressed as she glances to Patrice and back to me. "Ah, my Little Sadie," She says this softly, tears now filling her eyes, I step back, scared as hell. "I'm back 'cause the doctor thinks its best if I come home to my family until its over."
What the hell is she talking about?
My phone vibrates against my hip and I glance down briefly to see that it is a text message from Justin - my heart skips a beat. I want to know what he has to say. I want to see him. I want to hold him clo-
"Jade's sick, Sadie Anne," My mother is talking to me, again. Why does she feel the need to call me by my full name? What is her issue?
I snort. "You're sick with what? After you're cured, you're going back to the show?"
She shakes her head, her brown eyes full of sadness. I grin now. This is good news - my sister is back, finally! My family might be able to actually mend whatever is broken between all of us - I just don't understand why everyone is looking so sad about this glorious news. "Well, I think this is good, I mean you're coming back home to stay, this is really good, Jade."
Patrice eyes me, warily. "You don't get it, Junebug." My eyes widen as my body begins to shake - no one calls me that nickname unless someone is trying to prepare me for bad news, really bad news - I haven't been called Junebug since my father told me my Aunt Chrissy passed away on the day of my ninth birthday.
My heart starts to beat wildly now and my gaze becomes hazy with tears. I don't even know why I want to cry but I know its because nothing good is about to come out of their mouths - nothing good at all. "Don't call me that, all right?" I whisper, quickly.
Jade's to my side first, her presence is no longer welcome around me now. "Junebug, look at me, please."
I shake my head, terrified. "L-Leave me alone." I mutter.
Her thin arms wrap around my thick waist and I try to free myself from her grip but to no avail as Patrice joins in on the embrace. "Jade's in the far more advanced stage of ovarian cancer, Sadie Anne," My mother says this so calmly, so freely and a cry slips from my lips unexpectedly.
No!
"Shut up." I moan as the tears fall from my eyelids rapidly now.
Patrice is even crying which is shocking me because she never shows any emotion whatsoever - this is a fucking joke, it has to be. "We need you to be strong, Junebug."
I can't accept this shit.
Just...no!
I push them away from me, I breathe heavily, my vision blurred. "Stop calling me that!" I scream out, my eyes wide, I'm shaken to the core. Jade moves towards me and I back away from her, "You show up here after ten years to lay this kind of shit on us?" She looks so deathly pale and frail. Why didn't I notice this before? "What the fuck kind of sister are you?"
Mabel comes into my line of view. "Now, this is not the time to lash out o-"
I give her the middle finger without thinking. "Why don't you just sit on this and shut the fuck up!" She seems so small now, so very small. "You've been nothing but a bitch to me and you're the reason my sister left m-us in the first place - I fucking hate you, I really do."
My face is hot now as I push past all of these liars and head to my room but I stop briefly as Jade calls out my name. "You'd be better off dead anyway...thats what you've been to us for the past ten years." Her cries of angiush go unheard as I lock my door and force myself not to think about how fucked I am for doing what I've just did.
I can't think about that right now. I fumble with my phone nervously as I bypass Justin's text message and instead call him - I listen to ring - one, two, three and then four times before I hang up, scared out of my right mind. I need somene to be my hero tonight - I need someone to guide me away from this weird atmosphere before I lose all of my sanity at once. I nervously dial the next number that comes to mind.
It rings only once before someone picks up, its like they were waiting on my call. "Hey, Miss Sadie."
I roll my eyes - I wish people weren't so damn cheery all the damn time, I fall to the floor and force myself to clear the aching out of my voice. "D-Derek, I don't want to bother you but...," I cry softly as I think of my sister. She's dying? What kind of fucked up shit is that? "C-Can I stay with you t-tonight - I don't want to be alone right now."
His breathing softens some. "Of course you can, Sadie." He pauses briefly, "Is everything all right?"
I snort. Sure, everything is just peachy keen. "J-Just be on your way, all right?" I end the call before he can respond and glance at my text message and tears once again fall from my eyelids as I read over the man who my heart belongs to has sent me.
"I miss you already."
I'm not used to reacting like this, I'm not used to feeling this sort of anger, this sort of pain as I cry out loudly, banging my head against the wall, so damn hurt, so damn sad, so damn guilty. God, why couldn't he answer his fucking phone? Why can't he just save me? I need him here, I'm aching for him here...just dammit!
Why couldn't he just answer his damn phone? Why?
* * *
