Source: Unknown
The streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
- "Swallowed in the Sea" by Coldplay
"Justin, are you listening to me?"
I glance up to see Deena standing above me, hands planted firmly on her wide hips, eyes wide as saucers and I notice her lips are still moving - but I can't hear anything or at least I'm trying not to listen to the girl - I got way more important things on my mind right now than to listen to her loud mouth ass.
She kissed me.
Sadie Kennedy kissed me - right full on the mouth, no bullshit, no pretense - it was real and I still can taste her smooth flesh inside of my mouth - I shake my head; I still can't get over the shit, I can't stop letting my mind wander to the fact that Sadie allowed herself to be open with me, allowed herself to trust me with her body, with her soul and maybe it only lasted for a few minutes but in my mind...it felt like I had died and gone to heaven.
Woman can kiss, let me tell you; I'm still yearning to flick my tongue across her hard round nipples again, I'm yearning to hear her moan my name again, I'm yearning to be inside her, not all the way but enough to have her pushing me away, begging me to stop but silently praying that I go deeper, so deep that her walls shake with held in emotions and lust. I can't believe I'm thinking of the overweight, not so pretty girl like this - I can't believe I'm aching to just see her again, touch her, kiss her, do anything I can with her.
I figure now that she has had a minor heartattack and realized what a mistake she has made - her senses have probably returned to its normal state and the phone call I've missed from her was only to let me know that what we shared was a mistake and that it could never happen again...thats why I didn't answer my phone; I had been trying to reach her since she left the club and when she finally returned the call, my mind wandered to why it took her so long to call and I instantly thought of her and Derek - alone in his car, touching, kissing and all sorts of crazy ass shit.
I'll admit I was jealous for a split second as I thought of the possibility of her giving herself to another - I mean give me a fucking break! We were so close to knocking boots that if it weren't for that phone call...I'd be getting me a major blow job right about now and don't take me the wrong way; thats not all I'm wanting from the girl - the fucking aspect is just a bonus but in all honesty, I think I might actually be putting my shitty ass life back together and I can't hold out any longer...I want her, I need her and I refuse give the idea of not having her since I know for sure now that she feels the same way I do.
So, the jealously subsided pretty quickly because the long haired ugly bastard holds no candle to my fine ass - yeah, I can be cocky when I need to be and right now, I'm full of it; I'm seriously kicking myself in the ass for not answering the phone when she called cause now, I can't get her ass to answer her phone - I won't give up on this girl. I haven't felt this urge to make things right with another person since things ended between Tyler and me - I thought before I was being too nostalgic and that I turned to Sadie for some sort of closure of my past but now...thats not true at all.
I like her, a lot - so much that she is invading my every sane thought, so much that now as I'm looking to Deena's angry face I secretly wish I see those chubby, pale cheeks and wide, innocent brown eyes staring down on me - and I'm not in love, far from it, actually; I just tend to become infatuated with women I begin to have any sort of feelings towards - this is my only regret about pursuing any type of relationship with the opposite sex because once I begin to actually open up my heart for the taking...I rely on the female so much that I think it overwhelms them. This is just another reason why I haven't been in a relationship since Tyler - I hurt her, I know I did - I broke her heart and maybe I am to blame for the death of our second child but my actions towards the destruction of our coupling only resulted from the fear of loving her too much, of giving her too much of myself - bullshit, right?
I fucked things up between us because I thought I was losing my freedom, losing my identity when in reality, I came to realize that when you really love someone...they become who you are, they represent every good and sometimes bad aspect about yourself - Tyler had been my other half and I was too scared to fully accept this, so I tried my best to destroy everything that meant anything to me. I breathe out slowly - I was so messed up back then and I'm surprised now that I'm able to actually let myself think about these things without having a nervous breakdown. I smile.
I must be really getting my shit together, then.
And I have to thank Sadie for helping me in the process - if it weren't for her getting me through the night of my relapse, I don't know exactly where I'd be right now - probably dead from an overdose or something of the other; the girl really doesn't see how much power and confidence she has locked inside of her soul, and I am to blame for attacking her when she is the least vulnerable but I will make this up to her, I have plenty of time to make a lot of things up to her because I will be a part of her life, one way or another. She's scared out of her right mind right about now and I don't blame her for being shaken to her core about what has just happened between us but I'm through with the bullshitting, I'm through with the lies, so maybe, she's not on the same page as me but I'm not really worried about that...like I said before, I got time.
My mind wanders back to Tyler and I force myself from the very soft cushions of Deena's couch and I move towards her bedroom, trying to get some privacy. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?"
Oh, shit.
I glance behind me to lock eyes with my very pissed off best friend. I smile, helplessly, holding up my cell phone. "Gotta make a very important phone call, babe."
She folds her arms in front of her chest, "You ain't heard a damn word I've said since you sat yo' stanky ass on my couch," I widen my eyes, pretending to be hurt. "Don't give me that look, asshole," I give her the puppy dog look and she rolls her eyes, relenting. "Man, stop!" A teasing smile is now on her beautiful features and she moves to my side, hitting me playfully in the arm, "I'm not gonna kick your ass cause tonight is your special night but tomorrow...your skinny white ass is Deena Myra Davis' property." She squints her eyes, "Bet that."
I gulp. I know she's not playing now.
Deena moves closer to me and chuckles. "I'll just recap what I was trying to tell your oblivious ass earlier," She wraps her thin arms around my waist, squeezing gently. "You did good tonight, Timberlake, real good."
This only makes my smile wider. "Yeah, I know."
She breaks our embrace and groans, "Boy, don't let that shit go to yo' damn head," She licks her lips, "You calling that Sadie chick?"
I shake my head. "I've been ca-"
"Bug a motherfucking boo." She interjects, quickly.
I blush. "Whatever," Even though now as I think about it...does Sadie think I'm calling her too much? Man, I'm whipped and she's not even my girl...yet. "What you think 'bout her, Deena?" I ask, honestly.
Her opinion means the world to me.
She shrugs her shoulders and glances away, briefly. "She allright." Thats all?
I usually have to duck tape Deena's mouth to shut her up because she can go on and on about my latest love interest so now since she's being so mum, I'm worried - I don't want her to think Sadie is a bad person, because she's not, far from it. I need Deena to like her cause if she doesn't, it'll only bring issues in the future if I ever have the chance of being with the girl.
"You don't have anything else to add, huh?" I ask, nudging her.
She scoffs. "What do you want me to say?" I don't say anything and she groans in annoyance. "Just watch yo' back, Timberlake - I think you just using this girl to g-"
"Give me closure with Tyler, right?" I finish her thought.
She eyes me warily but nods her head slowly, "Y-Yeah, exactly."
I wave my phone in front of her eyes. "Thats the important phone call I need to make, babe," Her brows raise in question, "I'm gonna call Ty so I can move on with my life."
Deena places her hand upon her left hip. "You're a dumbass, Timberlake," She smacks my chest, "You think she's going to listen to anything you have to say? You fucked that girl's life up in more ways than one and for you to call her is only going to take her back to a place where she doesn't want to go." She cocks her head at me, "Do you remember the last time you spoke to her?"
"You can rot in hell as far as I'm concerned, Justin."
I force my thoughts away from this because I'm on a mission and I will do what I have to do to make me move on with my life, I will be a better person for the mistakes I've made and the people I hurt...I will.
"I gotta at least try, Deena," She shakes her head, disapprovingly, "This is the only way I can close that door to that part of my life - she's been haunting me for so long, I could never just really accept that she's gone and now, I'm willing to...I want to."
She smirks. "And you're doing all of this for a piece of ass?"
I shake my head. "I'm doing this for myself, Deena." She continues to stare at me and I chuckle. "Okay, and maybe a piece of ass!" She laughs out loud. "But its way more than that."
She waves me off, not caring anymore. "Just make sure you're done with this 'closure' shit in about fifteen minutes cause we got to finish your demo, little meat."
I roll my eyes as she walks away. "Tight ass pussy." I mumble underneath my breath as I quickly dial the numbers I had engraved in my memory for as long as I can remember - I'm not really comprehending what I'm doing right now. Maybe Deena's right, maybe I am stupid for doing this, maybe she will hang up in my face, ma-
"Hello?" I can remember that light, angelic voice from anywhere.
Heartbeat is increasing now - I don't think I can do this; the image of a smiling Sadie flashes over me and this is enough to get me to speak. "H-Hey Ty."
A pause over the line as I hear rustling in the background, now as she speaks, her voice is low, timid. Its easy to tell her guard is up - she was not expecting this phone call, at all. "Justin?"
I close my eyes as I try to slow down my breathing as long as I contain my compuser, I'll be okay. "Is now a bad time?"
Stupid question.
Her harsh chuckles sends shivers down my spine. "A bad time is anytime when it comes to talking to you." I almost expect her to hang up the phone but she remains on the line, waiting, trying to read me over the receiver. "Why are you calling me?"
I run my fingers over the stubble on my chin and sigh. "I needed to apol-"
"I don't want to hear that," She quickly interrupts me, "I've moved on with my life, Justin." I just need you to listen to me. "I'm engaged...I'm having a baby." She says this last statement very quietly.
My heart aches as I hear this, of course she's moved on, of course the ending of our relationship didn't almost destroy her like it had done to me - of course she wouldn't need closure. What was I thinking?
"C-Congratulations, Tyler." I mumble, tears forming in my eyes.
She breathes heavily over the line. "Thank you, but um, I don't know why I'm even asking you this but...," My spirits lift suddenly, "I've been hearing 'bout whats been going on with you for the last couple of years," She sighs, "I wanted to call Trace and see what was going on but I just...didn't. Anyway, are you okay?"
A small smile teases against my lips because I know a part of her still cares for my well-being - she doesn't hate me, she never has. "I will be."
Tyler smirks. "Funny thing is...I believe you," I listen quietly, "If you say you're going to do something...you don't back down from your word."
"Ty, I-"
She inhales a quick breath of air. "Don't call me that."
I nod my head, understanding. "Sorry," I mutter quickly, I need to tell her this. "You remember the night you left?"
I can see her through my mind...rolling her eyes. "Y-Yeah...why?"
I lick my lips. "That night I told you I never did love you-"
"Justin, don't do this right now." She's scared.
I shake my head. "No, listen to me - I blamed you for my infidelity, I blamed you for my unhappiness, but I need you to know this...it was all me." Tyler remains quiet, so I continue, "I loved you more than I loved my damn self but I was so fucking insecure of our love, Tyler." Tears slip from my eyes now. "I was so scared of giving my all to you that I tried in every possible way to push you away from me...from my heart."
She whispers, "O-Oh...," I can tell she is becoming choked up with emotions, "I l-lied, too." Tyler groans, "I told you I hated you but I never did...I couldn't - for so long, J, you were all I knew, all I ever wanted and when things started fucking up between us I didn't think I could ever be able to find someone who wanted me after you were done with me so I tried my best to break you just like you had broken me," She breathes heavy now, "I don't hate you, Justin."
A sigh of relief escapes me now. "I needed to know that." I grip my phone tighter, nervous. "And 'bout the babies-"
Tyler interrupts quickly, "I-Its okay, Justin," I can see her soft smile. "God's giving them much more than we could ever possibly have," She sighs, "There's nothing to be said about that except that everything happens for a reason."
She's matured so much. "You think if I hadn't fucked up...we'd still be together, Ty?"
"If we were meant to be together, we'd still be together, J - its just that simple." She chuckles, "Our love was so intense, so magical, so beautiful...while it lasted, but it isn't meant to ever be again - you'll always be in my heart just because you were the first, Justin - I don't think I've ever been able to give my heart completely away like I did with you."
I whimper, softly. "We did have some good times, didn't we?"
Tyler giggles softly, "Yeah, we did, Justin." She exhales. "Thank you for calling me...this did something to me, I didn't think I ever wanted to talk to you again but this...this is something I needed."
I smile. "I'm just glad that you're happy, Tyler."
She smirks. "I am, Justin, I really am." She pauses briefly, "But now you listen to me, when you're at your lowest - just remember that man you once was when you had the world in the palms of your hands and you'll be okay," My heart aches. "Nothing can truly kill who you are, Justin...not unless you let it and you're much stronger than that."
* * *
I can't sleep, well, its not like I've been trying anyway, but I feel so out of place in another's bed, in another's home - a man at that; I've forced myself not to let my emotions show for as long as I've been here because I don't need Derek prying into my personal life, I don't feel the need to lie to anyone right now. But you can only imagine that I want to bury myself a hole and let my guilt consume me - I was so wrong, so very wrong, and even now as I recall storming out of my house yelling profanities at my mother, I can do nothing but hang my head in shame. The old Sadie Kennedy would never do anything like this, I would never lash out on the people who are suppose to be my family, I would never curse, let alone at my elders - but you have to give some kind of lee way here...I just found out my sister is dying.
Jade is dying.
How are you supposed to react to something like this? I know I handled it the wrong way and thats why I've taken the easy route and hidden away from their prying eyes - I've looked up to Jade since the moment I realized she was not the clone of our mother; she has been more than a sister to me, she was my confident and the closest thing I had besides Zora. And now, when she needs her family the most - I turn on her. I lash out with anger, hurt and pain.
I asked her what kind of sister is she but the question really is what kind sister am I?
I'll find a way to make things right because thats what I do - I can't distance myself from the only people I have in my life; I can only imagaine what is going through her mind right now...how could she keep this a secret for so long? How could she not contact us the moment she found out something was terribly wrong? How could we have just assumed that she didn't care? Why is the world so unfair? Is God punishing us? Is He punishing Jade? Why won't He punish me instead? Jade...she doesn't deserve this - her heart is too full for something this cruel to happen to her - her arms are too welcoming for this disgrace.
Why did He choose my sister? Why?
I lay my head against the headboard and bring my knees to my chest, frightened; I wish someone could answer my questions, I wish someone can heal this aching, wounded heart of mine; it just isn't fair - I start work in two days and this is what happens to me? Derek wants a relationship with me, Justin really does like me and now...my eldest sister is dying and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. What kind of punishment is this? Is this what I get for going back and forth between Derek and Justin?
I lick my lips and rest my chin onto my knees, closing my eyes briefly, trying to convince my tired body to sleep. Please, sleep. Derek has taken his couch in the living room and I should be reassured by this but this isn't easy for me to be in another's man home, in his bed and not wonder what will become of me while I am dreaming the night away? I shake my head quickly, Derek's not that kind of guy. I have to thank him for being there when I need him - such a nice guy, he is.
I had finally convinced him I would be okay and that he could go to sleep after about three hours of him tending to my every want and need but in the back of my mind I yearned for the man before me to be Justin - I am so damn confused when it comes to this situation - but then I think...Derek is the one thats here, and Justin is not. That has to count for something, but then I think...I won't even let Derek know whats going on with me but I want to spill my soul to Justin's ears.
I don't want to think about the two of them anymore - I'll think about that tomorrow.
A knock is sounded on the doorframe of the room and I look up to see Derek standing in the light, staring at me, worried. I almost roll my eyes - I spoke too damn soon. "Can't sleep." I say, simply, my throat hoarse.
He moves further into the room and sits down beside me, his green, soft eyes wander over my pathetic profile. "Want me to hold you?"
I glance away from his gaze and purse my lips together. "I'll be all right." I mumble, sadly.
Derek isn't giving up. "What's going on, Sadie?" It kills me to hear the whimper in his voice - he's so worried about me. "Please, just talk to me - I want to help, baby...let me help."
Tears form in my eyes unwillingly and I want to curse out loud because I know soon I will be soaking up all of his bedsheets with my salty tears, I run my fingers over my tired face. "Kiss me," I say, plainly, I need something to distract me from this pain - I need something to direct me away from my broken heart, I need to feel something other than I'm feeling right now.
He seems startled. "W-What?"
I roll my eyes and pull his face mere inches from my own, "Kiss me," I don't wait for him to respond as I crash his lips with mine.
* * *
"Please, do that one more time," Deena is wrecking my last fucking nerves - she has had me in this studio since dawn of this morning and now its almost three in the afternoon - all I want to do is talk to Sadie. Why hasn't she called me back? Why won't she answer any of text messages? This can't mean anything good. "Pretty please with me on top?"
I choke on water and can't help but grin as she says this - I shake my head. "Sorry, honey - I'm taken."
She frowns, playing along with me. "By who?" I roll my eyes to the ceiling. "Cause the way I see it - the girl you're into isn't even returning your calls, bro," She shakes her head, smiling, "Time to pull out the freakum dress, baby!"
She loves her some Beyonce.
I snort. "Yeah, that sounds just 'bout right...if only I had a pussy to go along with it."
Deena shrugs and raises her hands in the air, "Well, shit that didn't stop you from dressing like Miss Mary Mack, did it?"
Heat rushes to my cheeks. I hate her. "Hey!" She's rolling over in laughter now. "We were six and it was Halloween!"
Trace glances up from the magazine he is reading and shakes his head, "Actually, J, you were ten and it was on Chri-"
Deena is on the floor now, crying with laughter. I groan with detest. "Ah, shut the fuck up, Trace, shit!"
He shrugs his shoulders and returns to reading his magazine and I bury my face in my hands. Little miget bastard. "Don't go ganging up on my boy Trace just cause you like to crossdress." Deena says this now as she stands from the floor, wiping the tears from her eyes, all the while I am now throwing my headphones onto the ground and walking out of the booth. "And get your RuPaul loving ass back in that booth!"
Trace chuckles now. I glare at his pussy ass and he immediately shuts his mouth - yeah, he's my bitch.
I fold my arms in front of my chest, trying my best not to grin. "Say I'm tired of you talking all this shit, Deena," I crack my knuckles and she immediately pops her neck. She already knows whats up. "Back your shit up."
She scoffs and already her fists go up and I try to hide my shock - I was just playing with her ass. "You ain't said nothing but a word, dumbass," She begins bouncing on the balls of her feet, waiting on me to move closer to her.
I cough. "D, I was just fucking with your ass."
She swings her fists in the air, roughly, not showing any sort of emotion. "And I'm serious with your ass," She's mocking my tone.
"Go light on him, Deena," Trace says now. Will he shut the fuck up?
She glances behind her to wink at my pussy best friend before turning her full attention to me. "Now you know thats not how I fight, bro."
I widen my eyes. "Okay, D, you know you hit a little too hard and I don't want to have to hurt you so lets just get back to recording, all right?"
Deena shakes her head, moving closer to me as I move back. "Say something for me, Justin."
"What, girl?"
She grins, still swinging her fists in the air. "Say 'I'm a pussy-eating, dick-sucking, STD having crossdresser'"
I scoff. "You got me fucked up, Deena."
She nods her head slowly and keeps advancing towards me, "Back up, D-"
"Say it."
I shake my head and she swings, barely missing my nose, "Wha? Back up!"
She swings again. "Say it." And again. "I hope you know I'm missing on pupose."
Yeah, I fucking know.
I gulp. "Come on now, Deena, stop p-"
This time she swings a little too close to my Former Binky and I become nervous, "All right!"
She laughs and drops her fists, waiting. "Say it, bro."
I glance at Trace who is already laughing hysterically. What a motherfucking bitch. "I'm a pussy-eating, dick..."
* * *
Oh God, what have I done?
My body is trembling with fear as I struggle to find my pants in the midst of the various clothing on the floor beneath me - the shower water is running rapidly and my heartbeat is pounding my ears, in my chest - I need to get the fuck out of here.
I had just wanted to be comforted - I didn't want things too go this damn far and yet here I am, my naked lower half is exposed to the whole damn world - heat rushes to my cheeks as I find my jeans and I quickly jump into them, fumbling for my phone, I call the only person who doesn't pass judgement on anyone. I whine softly. What have I let happen?
This isn't how it was supposed to be.
Rings once, twice - please pick u-
"Hel-lo?"
I swallow my spit as I'm greeted with a woman's voice - I shake my head. Maybe I have the wrong number? "U-Um I was looking for Trace-"
She interrupts me, "Yeah, he went to the gym with Justin and forgot his phone," When I don't say anything, she continues, "Sadie, right?"
My eyes widen. "How do you know its me?"
She chuckles. "You're programmed into his phone." Oh, duh. Who is this? "Its me, Deena."
I roll my eyes as I nervously listen to the showerhead still running. How the fuck am I going to get out of here. I close my eyes briefly as I move out of the room in pain - damn, my thighs are sore. "Oh, u-um, I was hoping to ask him for a ride, but, uh, nevermind-"
"Where are you?" She inquires.
What does it matter to you? "Over a friend's house," My lips tremble as the past couple of hours events flash through my mind - I have to vomit. "I-I ju-" I stop myself as tears well up in my eyes.
God, what is with me these days?
I can hear her moving around and I become worried. "Tell me where you are, girl."
Oh, hell no. I won't be alone with her in small, cramped vehicle. Just, no. "I'm fi-"
She breathes heavily over the line, annoyed. "Listen, you better just tell me where the hell you at so I can come get you or I'll call Justin and let him deal with your stubborn ass." She snorts. "Your fucking choice."
My eyes widen at the notion of her calling the 'other' man in my life - he can't see me like this...he wouldn't understand, he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me if he knew what has happened. I become worried as I hear the shower water stop and I know for certain I need to get away, and fast. I can't face Derek right now - I won't. I force my aching body out of his apartment and so far away from his automobile.
Right now, Deena is all that I have. I curse underneath my breath and try to calm my breathing some but to no avail.
"Okay, um, I'm at 24th..."
* * *
