Source: Unknown
And I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
But It's frayed at both the ends
And I'm slowly unraveling
- "One Fine Wire" by Colbie Caillat
"So, I guess we're playing the quiet game?" Deena's smooth, gentle voice awakens me from my frightened slumber as I fold my arms in front of my chest, pushing my body as close to the passenger door as I can possibly be - I am at my wits end.
I open my mouth to respond but no words tumble from my lips, none at all - everything that has happened in the last couple of hours are such a hazy blur to me, I'm still reeling from the notion that I'm in this stranger's vehicle, this beautiful stranger's vehicle and she hasn't tried to pry me with questions of why I needed to get away, of why I had to get away; guilt overwhelms me now as I can only imagine the bewildered expression on Derek's face as he has probably noticed by now that I'm nowhere to be found - its safe to say that after today, the prospect of anything between him and I is diminished.
I screwed it up, I've screwed everything up for the worst.
I am fully to blame for what has taken place and I won't deny that maybe Derek should've really considered that maybe I wasn't in the best possible position to be making a life-altering decision; okay, maybe its not that big of a deal to some people, but to me, it means practically everything - I feel violated of my innocence, I feel stripped of my womanhood, I feel consumed with feelings of despair and dread - who is going to want me now after I am damaged goods? I close my eyes briefly, trying to force my mind to stop dwelling on the heartache that my soul is experiencing as of now.
"I won't hurt you, baby...you can trust me."
A harsh breath of air escapes me now as my eyes flutter open quickly, breathing heavily, I can see that Deena is glancing to me, confused but I don't pay her any mind as my hands begin to tremble nervously, my lips start quivering, my temples are pounding with agony and as I try to let my mind wander to my ailing sister's health, I am constantly reminded of him.
My sweaty fingers trail over the nape of his neck and I try to move my body from underneath him, realizing that now, this might not be the most smartest idea I can come up with to release some of frustration - maybe talking will be better. "Wait," I mumble as his rough, large hands travel to the waistband of my shorts, pulling them down slightly, and my eyes widen immediately, my head shakes immediately, refusing. "N-No, wa-wait," I softly whisper, as I try to push his hands away without any such success as he moves aside my cotton white panties.
His green warm eyes reach my terrified brown orbes and a chilling chuckle escapes his lips, "Shh," He whispers roughly as his cold fingers slip inside of my walls and my back arches in pain. Please, stop. Don't do this. Please, just don't do this.
I try to work my hips away from his cold flesh but instead it only welcomes him deeper inside of my essence and the throbing pain exceeds my expectations as I place my hands onto his shoulders, forcefully pushing him but he only remains on top of me...hurting me so much to the point that tears threaten to fall my eyelids with desperation. "S-Stop, Derek, p-please."
My cries are gone unheard as his mouth crashes onto mine, silencing me and I don't feel as he pushes himself inside of me, I don't feel as he pumps into me...slow at first and then hard, crashing me into the pillows underneath me, I don't feel as he explodes inside of me, crumbling his heavy figure onto my sweaty, shaky existence, I don't feel as he lay soft kisses along my collarbone.
What I do feel is my tears dropping onto my flesh and I unwillingly fall into his embrace as he whispers to my damp hair as I continue to feel the pain of my silent tears succumb me, "I told you I wouldn't hurt you."
"You can ignore me if you want, I really don't care but you need to tell me where you're going because I ain't 'bout to be driving 'round with no where to go using up all my damn gas," Deena once again interrupts my intruding thoughts and I jump, startled.
I sniffle softly. Where can I go? Where can I hide? I push loose strands of my hair out of my face as my mind races - I can't go home, I can't face my sisters yet, I can't allow myself to build up that kind of courage after what has taken place - I don't have the strength just yet to do that.
But where to, then?
I have no one to run to in an emergency, I have no friends - nothing; in this circumstance, my heart is probing me to find a way to get in contact with Justin, but my mind is being realistic and I know, that within the depths of me, there is no way on Earth he can see me like this and no question me as to what is going on with me - I can't lie to him, I refuse to, maybe he's the only good thing I have going on for myself and if I'm honest with him...I'll lose him, too, just like I'm losing everything I hold near and dear to my heart.
And this is something I'm not willing to exactly sacrifice just yet, or maybe not ever.
I sniffle, again, trying to hold back tears. "I-I have no where t-to go," I mumble softly - I am so embarrassed to announce this publicly to such an incredibly beautiful, intimidating woman.
I bet she is just loving this. Yeah, poor old, fat, pathetic Sadie doesn't have anyone to turn to in a crisis...doesn't have anyone at all.
Deena shrugs her shoulders as she cuts lanes and puts on her left turning signal, "Well, off to my house we go."
I immediately sit up, alert. "Oh, no, thats okay," I try to think of something, anything to get me out of this situation. "You think Trace is back from the gym? I can j-"
She scoffs. "Girl, please," Deena waves me off, quickly. "You trippin' if you think you need to be going over there with all those damn hickeys on yo' ass." She cuts her eyes at me quickly, eyeing my neck, "Justin will be so through with your ass." She says this, matter-of-factly as my hands find my bare, exposed neck.
Of course I had forgotten the lovemarks - but these were from Justin...I think? I mean, I know I messed around with Justin and he gave me some hickeys but the ones that Derek has given me were in a different place, someplace where other people couldn't so easily see - I shutter as I think about all of this...I'm such a bad person, I am a horrible person. Justin will never want me after this, even his best friend said it...and I wonder why she is trying to help me if she doesn't like me? Why is she trying to help me save something I'm not sure I ever truly had with her best friend?
I gulp. "J-Justin did this." I say, slowly.
This causes Deena to chuckle softly as she makes a left turn and begins driving down an unknown street to me. "Shit, I didn't see that one coming." She turns up the volume on her radio just a bit, eyeing me briefly and then shaking her head, "Even if thats the case...you looked too fucked up to be around men right now...you're coming to my place until you're ready to go home, okay?" I don't oblige this time, instead I nod my head sowly, nervous.
"Is Justin coming by your house?"
Deena pouts. "If I have anything to say about it...no. But the boy loves showing up unannounced...he needs to feel wanted or he goes crazy," She laughs softly and I don't know exactly what to say so she continues, "Don't worry, girl, if he shows up...I can get rid of 'im...piece of cake."
* * *
The bitch looks fucked up.
I mean, seriously, she looks a hot mess but I'm trying to be a nice ass female and keep my opinions to myself but its getting the best of me as she cautiously sits on the edge of my couch, and I see the various carpet burn scars across her arms and the bags underneath her eyes...her hair is a fucking mess, her lips are red and obviously sore, her clothes are hanging off of her ass as if they are three sizes bigger than her actual size and not to mention the numerous hickeys on her neck - damn, Justin really did a number on the girl.
I'm not one to kick somebody when they're down, okay, maybe I am but I have to say that when she called earlier so on edge, so terrified, my first initial reaction was to hang up in her face and go about my business without a secoud thought of the girl but then I don't know...I felt sorry for her, sorry that she truly didn't have anyone, sorry that the girl really didn't know what she was getting into if she fucked around with my best friend and sorry that I had been a bitch to her before, without even really, truly, meeting her.
I am trying to redeem myself, actually, I guess you can say.
I eye her skeptically, as she studies her cell phone, harshly, her pale skin turning another shade of white, if thats possible - okay, obviously she didn't like what she was seeing on her phone. "Want somethin' to drink?" I offer, shutting my front door behind me as I step futher into my living room.
She glances up to meet my gaze and she shuffles her feet, nervously, not knowing if she truly speak her mind or not - see, shit like this drives me insane, I'm just like, say what you want and mean what you say! I don't like all that shy shit and being all fidgety around people...you're a grown ass woman...act like one!
But I still won't speak my mind, which is a shame, because the girl needs a reality check, badly.
* * *
I cock my head to the side, "No, I'm fine," I whisper in response as she rolls her eyes and moves out of the room, leaving me to my thoughts.
And I don't necessarily don't want to be left alone with them - my mind is reeling from the various missed calls I've received, not only from my sisters but some from Derek and mostly from Justin - my heart aches as I think of the man who has set my aching soul on fire; oh, how I want to see him so badly, oh how my body aches to be in his warm embrace, oh how I yearn to hear his angelic voice soothing my fears, but I know this is not smart to dream of such stupid things.
He is not going to want me after he finds out what I have done.
I have fucked up, like really, fucked up things between him and I.
What kind of person am I, anyway? I abandon my family when they need me the most, I thought I could get away with messing around with two great guys, I fucked one and I expect to be able to stay with the other who has been nothing but a supportive, gentleman as of lately? What kind of a stupid bitch does something like this?
I sigh softly as I force myself to stand from my sitting position and move towards the room Deena has entered, I knock on the door quickly before letting myself in - when she notices that its me, she doesn't seemed phased at all as she motions for me to sit down on the bed, and as I do, she moves to her closet, searching for something in particular. "I know you hate me but thank you for doing this." Words tumble from my lips before I can really realize what I'm saying.
Her back is to me as she continues to search for some sort of clothing. "What makes you think I hate you?"
I clasps my hands together, nervously, biting down on my lower lip. "Um, I just...I mean, it seems like when we first met-"
Deena moves back into the room bearing a white shirt and loose, black gym shorts, she throws the clothing items onto her bed and nods at me. "Hate is a strong word and I don't use it...at all - I don't hate you, girl, if I did, yo' ass wouldn't be in my damn house, bet that." She licks her lips, "I'm just really protective of Trace and Justin," Her eyes cut away from me and she snorts, "They're my only family a-"
I suck on my gums. "I would never try to hurt Justin, Deena," I fold my arms in front of my chest. "I care for him."
She eyes me cautiously, "As long as we have it understood that if you fuck my boy over in any way," She points her finger at me, "I'm coming for your ass and I don't do well with words but these right here," she raises her fists to my shocked expression, "these know how to do all the talking for me."
I swallow. What the hell? "Oh, um, o-ok." I mumble, quickly.
She winks at me before nodding towards her bathroom, "Go take a shower, get cleaned up." I don't hesitate as I grab the clothing she has offered me and rush myself into her bathroom, closing the door behind me.
That bitch is crazy.
* * *
"You don't drink?" I shake my head slowly, eyeing Deena, as she smiles at me teasingly, "You can't be serious!"
I've come to really warm up to this woman in the past two hours that I've been here.
Its always a welcome release if I can find anything to distract me from the plaguing thoughts of Justin, my family and Derek and Deena here has provided me that escape - I'm still getting used to wise-cracks and loose sarcasm but I can see why Justin is so close to the woman - she's a hardcore bitch on the surface of things but in the deeper aspect of her depth, she's just a young woman who is yearning to be loved just like the majority of us.
And we haven't even brought up the mention of her best frend - in fact, our conversation has remained in the safe territory; we've mainly discussed our jobs and what we like to do in our spare time - for her, she loves writing music and practicing on making her craft even better than it is and for me? Well, everyone should know I really don't have a life so I base my emotions on the television screen.
So, now as she waves the Smirnoff bottle in front of my face, I find myself laughing. "I'm so serious," I speak, clearly, relaxing myself against the cushions of her couch. "Plus, I start work in two days, I don't have time to get b-"
Deena isn't trying to hear that. "I don't want to hear any fucking excuses, okay?" She scoffs, "This right here is the most weakest type of alcohol a person can ever drink...and you're trying it, tonight," She moves to sit down beside me and I shake my head, furiously. I will not do that. This is where I draw the line. "See, I've been quiet all night long about whats really going on with you and since you can't live it up for just a little bit...," she smirks, "its time to confess, honey."
I gulp. I won't do that, either. I glance down at the clear, white bottle in her hands and my heart starts pounding in my ears - what is the harm in one sip? What is the harm in one swallow? I chew down on my lower lip before I snatch the opened bottle from her grasp, tilting my head back slightly, I close my eyes and let the rim of the bottle reach my lips before I take a long swig of the sweet, smooth drink. I grin at the girl beside me as I think without acting and I allow myself to take another gulp of the alcholohic drink - here goes my sanity.
* * *
"Y-You need to tell someone," Deena is saying this to me now, or at least I think she is, I'm not exactly sure what we've been talking about in the last thirty minutes or so but I know one damn thing...my stomach is hurting really badly; I lay my pounding head against her plushed bed cushions as Deena continues to talk, "I think you need to tell Justin, Sadie."
What is she talking about?
The room is feeling unsteady and the heat is rapidly increasing as I fan my face with my left palm. "Wha?" I mumble quietly, "Is it hot in here to you? Cause it sho' is hot to me!" I burp now and giggles escape my lips.
She rolls her eyes at me. "You're just feeling a little buzz, girl." What kind of a buzz? I didn't even drink that whole bottle - or did I? I don't exactly remember. "It'll pass if you just stay calm but were you telling me the truth when you said that bitch ass Derek raped you?"
Oh, fuck! That's what she's talking about! My migraine is seeming to get only worse. "H-he didn't rape me, D-Deena," I hiccup, "he just didn't hear me when I told h-him no."
I hear her groan as she stands from the bed, pacing the room, angrily. "Thats called rape, Sadie!" She exhales loudly as she moves beside me, her warm hands graze over my skin, causing me to stir, "You really need to tell Justin," She is rubbing my arms, "Trust me, you'll need him to help you through this."
I shake my head. What does she know? I'm fine! Derek didn't rape me! I mean, it wasn't like I didn't come on to him - I deserved for that to happen, I was asking for it, right? "How would you know?"
She breathes in deeply, and then there is a pause. Maybe she has decided to shut up, finally. I hope she has because I need time to let my head stop pounding from all of this unwanted pain. Its time for me to go home, its time for me to face reality, I need to see my sisters.
"'Cause it happened to me, too, Sadie."
* * *
"Trace, you really need to brush up on your benchpressing," My best friend mumbles something incoherent behind me as we move Deena's apartment door, I fumble with my keys as I find her front door key and I know she is probably going to curse me left and right for intruding on her once again but this time I have an excuse...Trace left his cell phone here; so that gives me some sort of lee-way into bothering my girl like there is no tomorrow. What can I say?
I don't like to be alone. And with my parents trying to rekindle their marriage, I've been kind of unwanted around the house, I'm actually unwanted everywhere it seems - Trace doesn't want me crashing at his place and I have to force myself to tune Deena's bitching out when I crash at her place and don't get me started on Sadie; I thought after what we shared last night that maybe, somehow, there could be something between us for the future but like, usual, I was so fucking wrong.
She still isn't returning or answering any of my phone calls and I know the shit is being done purposefully because I talked to Maria earlier today (I was worried about Sadie, all right?) and she even said that the girl was ignoring her calls, too - so I knew something had to be wrong, something had to be terribly wrong and I can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with me? Yeah, I knew I came on too strong last night.
What a fucking fool I am.
"Man, shut up," Traces says angrily behind me as I grin, turning the key in the lock and opening the door. "You always talk shit when yo' ass is ahead of me in something but when that ass is losing at Scr-"
I hush him. "No one plays fucking Scrabble anyway, idiot."
"Well, I do and I-"
I snort, rolling my eyes as we step into Deena's living room. Its eerily quiet. She must be sleep. Thats just great, I'm wide awake and I need someone to keep me company. "Dude, nobody fucking cares."
My best friend pushes me aside as he moves to the kitchen, retrieving his phone and flipping it open to see, what, I don't know, as I flop my ass down on the couch and dropping my gym bag at my feet. Nothing feels better than coming home to rest after a good workout - I close my eyes as I whistle a soft tune, drumming my fingers on the armrest of the sofa, I can hear Trace move to Deena's room, hurriedly, and I let my mind wander to nothing in particular, just bored.
Haunt me
In my dreams
If you please
"Jay?" Deena's soft, timid voice causes me to open my eyes slowly to see her standing over me, her expression is blank and unreadable as I raise my eyebrows in question. "Hey."
I eye her, warily. She is never this unresponsive when she sees me.
I scoff, "What did I do now, huh?" I ask, teasingly, pinching her rib cage and instantly she smacks my hand away and I chuckle. There is my Deena.
She licks her lips slowly, her eyes wide, "You gotta promise me you won't lose it, okay?" I'm quick to my feet when I can tell she isn't exactly herself and that this is probably pretty serious. I fold my arms in front of my chest, anticipating. "You promise?"
I shake my head quickly - the last time she said this shit to me, we were fifteen years old and her step-dad had gotten a little bit too comfortable with my precious Deena - my heartbeat increases as I move closer to her, towering over her small frame, my hands rest on her shoulders and I see her strong, stone-hard features crumble within my piericing gaze. "Can't do that, sorry."
Deena shrugs her shoulders dramatically and bites down on her lower lip, in thought. What the fuck is she waiting on? "You make things so damn complicated!"
I roll my eyes. "Mmm kay, thats nice and all but what the hell is going on with you?" When she still doesn't respond, I begin to get irritated. I groan. "All right, shit, I promise."
She sighs softly and nods towards her bedroom. And I shake my head, not comprehending. She nudges me towards her room and I roll my eyes as I make my way into her small ass, cramped be-
Your breath is with me now and always
It's like a breeze
The scene before me causes me to halt my motion slightly as I see my best friend sprawled out across Deena's bed, holding onto some girl who happens to be crying uncontrollably while shaking about; I raise my eyebrows in question when my gaze locks with Trace and it only takes me but a second to reach her side when he mouths that the some girl?
The some girl is the woman of my dreams.
I kneel beside her as my eyes widened at the image of her unstable, broken, something reminding me of how I once was not so long ago - my heart pounds in my ears as I try to reach out and touch her but she doesn't see that its me so she holds onto Trace's flesh, tighter...terrified, of me.
What the fuck is going on?
I swallow. I'm not leaving her side, I refuse to - she might not want me anymore, maybe she's done with me but I can't leave her here like this, my heart won't let me; I slip out of my tennis shoes and Trace watches in silence as I crawl into the bed, her back is facing me as she digs her face into my best friend's chest, sobbing softly - he tells me he has this under control but I won't that shit go down. I won't let him be the one to take care of her.
I won't let him be the one to save her.
So should you ever doubt me
If it's help that you need
Never dare to doubt me
I motion for him to let her go, but he doesn't - stubborn bastard, inching myself closer to her flesh, I lower my voice. "Sadie?" She jumps at the sound of her name and it only makes her sob louder. Okay, maybe I shouldn't try to help? Maybe I should just leave after all? "Its me, honey...its Justin."
Her sobs cease some as she recognizes my voice - her head lifts from Trace's chest as she pauses in thought, frightened. "J-Justin?" She whimpers out.
I try not to smile at the notion that I got her - I want to rub this in Trace's face but I know now is just not the right time to be a cocky ass bitch. "Yes, baby," I whisper gently, my hands tentatively finding her waist and my heart warms as she lets me turn her away from Trace, so that now she is facing me; her tear-streaked features breaks my heart as I immediately welcome her into my embrace and her arms eventually envelope around my waist, clinging to me like its her last breath.
"What's going on, honey?" I coo tenderly, as I watch Trace exit the room. Serves him right - this is my woman, no one needs to be caressing her...okay, technically, she isn't my woman, but thats not the point.
And if you want to sleep
I'll be quiet
Like an angel
Her sobbing has diminished completely as she breathes deeply, her eyes closed, and I run my fingers through her thick waves, trying my best to soothe her aching soul. "C-Can you just h-hold me?"
I grin. This I can do. I tighten my grip around her as my lips find her forehead and I place a quick kiss upon her flesh, as my eyes travel to her bruised skin, my flesh crawls, my eyes darken, I'm sure and I immediately become consumed with unknown anger - my flesh is hot with rage and I need to know what the hell has happened to my girl - why the hell is she here? Who the hell did this to her? But I know that right now is not the right time to harass her with numerous questions - she isn't strong enough for this.
As quiet as your soul could be
If you only knew
You had a friend like me
So, I hold her tightly to my beating heart - I hold her as she cries silently, I hold her as she grips onto me, terrified of me letting her go, which I never will do, not if its up to me, and I hold her as her sleeping slumber succumbs her body and she lays motionless in my arms and yet, I still hold her as the hours pass and her soft snores are the only comfort I receive. Eyes open and alert. I stay awake as she sleeps through the night and well into the morning and still, I hold her, my heart breaking as each hour passes.
What has happened to my Sadie?
So should you ever doubt me
If it's help that you need
Never dare to doubt me
* * *
