"My Friend" - Annie Palmer

"Say something, Sadie."

I can't believe I'm thinking this, can't believe this thought is even crossing my mind, but I really wish Justin would...shut the hell up; am I being too harsh? I know I am and it makes me feel really selfish that I want him as far away from me as possible when all he wants to do, all that he's been trying to do since last night is help me, console me...save me; but I don't think I'm capable of being saved, I'm not worthy enough for this action.

Justin doesn't know.

He doesn't know what took place between Derek and me...he'll never know.

I will never tell him.

And before you start throwing rocks and cursing my poor self out, I have my reasons, however childish and stupid they may be...they're still mine; I don't know exactly what I told Deena last night, I know I had too much to drink and maybe I was just hallucinating my stories to her, which I can only hope, because now I think she's claiming that Derek raped me - how crazy is that?

I admit, Derek should've knew better, he knew I wasn't in my right mind and for that, he is wrong but everything else? Its me, all me. I came on to him. I pursued him and because of this, I can't blame him, I know he would never intentionally hurt me.

He's one of the good guys.

He cares for me.

So, the notion of any thoughts preluding to sexual harrassment is outrageous to me; I figured Deena would blab off at the mouth as soon as she came in contact with Justin, but she has remained mute, watching me, studying me...waiting for me to say something to him, anything at all. But I'm not stupid, I can already tell that if I even mention of turning to Derek in my time of need, my time of finding myself...he'll run with this and leave my side so quickly that I won't have time to beg him for his forgiveness.

I can't risk losing him. And I don't think I'm being inconsiderate of his feelings, I just, I realized something this morning, something so haunting, so unbelieveable that I'm still needing time to actually process my wandering thoughts, my wandering mind.

I've learned irony is a bitch.

Not so long ago, I had been his savior.

I had been the person in his corner when he had been in his absolute lowest, I had been everything he needed in those few hours by just being there, by just letting him know, continually, that there was nothing in the world that could pull me from him, nothing at all; and now, here is he...being everything I tried to be for him a while ago but to the tenth degree.

I've never had anyone, well except for Zora, and last night, I realized I had someone who cared for me more than I ever could imagine was possible, conceiveable.

I had him and last night....

I gave him my heart.

He'll never know this because I'm not quite sure of the emotions I'm feeling right now, I'm not sure if I'll feel differently in the next hour, tomorrow or maybe never at all; this is all so new to me, so raw, so fresh and so everything I feel, everything I express...I'm afraid it might be just my mind playing tricks on me, it might just be the fat girl stuck in her fantasy and so far from the actual reality. Why bother with even inviting more embarrassment than I already get in the first place to myself? I'm stronger than what I used to be, I'm probably stronger than I've ever been, but I'm still so weak, still fragile as an infant.

I'm not willing to let my heart hurt anymore.

Love isn't that important to me, anyway - it can take a backseat to my family, to my profession, to my everything.

Oh, yeah, thats the thing I realized last night...

I love him. Or at least I think I do.

I don't know particularly what I feel for the guy, I just know that now, more than ever before...he means a pretty good deal to me - happiness overflows from my essence when I am around him, I can't stop myself from thinking of him every ten seconds, even now, as I secretly wish he would leave me alone, I kind of dread this action really taking forth - I depend on him now. I've never depended on anyone before, I've never needed anyone before but now, the power to love, or to be loved is incredibly overwhelming.

My parents never set a fine example for me and my sisters to follow - I never questioned their love for one another before because I've always convinced myself it had to be there, somewhere within the depths of their souls, it was there, lighting a desire that I just could never see, never notice; but now, I know better.

They were never in love.

They couldn't be; its not possible - my admiration for this man beside me grows with each passing second, minute, and hour until my whole being is consumed with nothing but love for him, only him - could it be love? It has to be - I don't know what really dealing in just lust is, until two nights ago, I don't think I've ever thought about anything remotely sexual in my entire twenty-two years of being on this Earth; it isn't lust...its my heart.

My wounded, insecure soul is so deeply in love with this man that I'm actually trembling right now as I know this feeling I'm letting control me, this feeling I can't shake can be only love - that is why it saddens me to think my parents, my sisters, the customers that go to my sisters' place of work have never felt this happiness, this joy I am letting myself be succumbed to.

Oh, look, what I have been missing!

"Sadie?" Justin's timid voice forces me to bring my wide eyes to his frightened blue orbes and I can't help but smile, I can't tell him the truth...

I won't lose the only love I'll probably ever have.

Without thinking, my trembling hands find his pale cheeks and I bring his mouth to mine, softly pecking him lightly on his lips - warmth is overflowing me now as I now wrap my arms around his neck, tilting my head to the side, studying him, I kiss him again. "Thank you," I mumble against his lips, kissing him yet again, "for being there for me last night."

He's quick - he breaks away from me, eyes wide, incredulous, "What is wrong with you?"

I suck on my bottom lip, debating on how to tell him the truth but not exactly the whole truth without lying - I don't want to lie to him. "I'm o-okay now." I whisper, tugging on the hem of the black sweatshirt he let me wear during the night. I love the smell of him on me, I love being in the warmth of his clothes...I just love it.

He's shaking his head. "Bullshit." Justin purses his lips, "Tell me the truth."

I cut my eyes away from him. This is going to be hard. "I am telling the truth, Justin." I stare down at my hands in my lap, I'm trembling, I'm so damn nervous. "Thats the first time I ever drank anything and I-I think I kind I g-got out of control."

Well, this isn't a lie.

Justin sighs, loudly, "Look at me, Sadie." I refuse, and he sighs, again, just as loudly as before, "look at me, please." The pleading in his voice causes me to raise my eyes to his and he tilts his head to the side, studying me, eyes are squinted, "You're lying to me."

I gulp, "N-No, I-"

He grabs my arm quickly and pulls the sleeve of the shirt up above my elbow, exposing light brown bruises along my arm, "What the fuck is this?" I jump, startled - I've never heard him get so loud with me before, I've never seen his face turn this red, so upset, so angry, "You got this from drinking too? Huh?" I remain mute. "Huh?!"

Am I going to die today?

I want Zora.

Save me, please!

He has a death grip on my arm and I quickly step back from haunting frame, I can't be this close to him - I'm not strong enough for this. Fuck love. Love can kiss my ass. "Lemme go," I say, low, terrified, and I guess he realized how incredibly possessed he is acting because he lets me go quickly and I move across the room, fast.

I refuse to die.

Justin runs his fingers through his short curls, his body shaking - I think he is losing his mind, "Oh, fuck," He mumbles underneath his breath, his sad blue eyes find mine and he makes an expression I'm not quite sure how to explain or describe, "Sadie, you're scaring me."

I rub my arm. "You're scaring me!"

He shakes his head, "See, somethings not right," He exhales, thinking outloud, "Deena doesn't know you and yet the girl is willing to welcome you into her home with open arms a-"

I scoff, "I was looking for you a-and u-um-"

He doesn't seem mad anymore, just disappointed. So disappointed...in me. "You're lying again," He whispers now, his voice so soft that its barely audible to my ears, "'cause you've been ignoring my calls since the other night," He folds his arms in front of his chest, "and you're hiding something from me, Sadie...its gotta be something serious cause Deena, she," He stops and steps out of the room for a second, and when he returns, Deena is beside him, arms folded, face has no expression, at all.

She probably hates me now.

I will deny everything she throws my way - I'll go to my grave before I admit to messing around with someone else to Justin's face - I couldn't deal with the consquences of him knowing the absolute truth.

Justin is staring at his best friend intently, reading her mind without her even glancing his way - can I just say that their relationship is kind of freaky? He coughs, "Whats wrong with you, D?"

I swallow as she glances in my direction, her eyes still stone cold as ever. "She's fine, Justin." I mumble quickly, nervous.

He ignores me, instead his hand briefly grazes over her cheek, causing her to soften her expression slightly, and I'm amazed to see her features change - she looks as if she is about to break down in tears at any second and my heart is now pounding in my ears - she is going to ruin me! I need to leave! I need to get out of here! I need to be home with my sisters, with my family - I shouldn't be here, I can't be here right now.

Deena eyes Justin, gently, "He hurt her, J." Oh, fuck! I quickly find my shoes and slip into them, my mind racing, my hands trembling - I'll fucking walk home, "he hurt her like-" She leans over and whispers in his ear and I know I got to get out of here now. My life hangs in the balance.

I'm so stupid, I'm so dumb, I should've never called Deena's fat mouthed ass - I should've waited for Derek. I should've waited.

I move to the door but a hand reaches out and turns me around roughly, I'm met with his bewildered gaze, I can clearly see the rhythmic increasing of his heartbeat as his chest heaves up and down, up and down, with each breath taken - I lick my lips in anxiety. "Who the fuck did this to you? Huh?" He is moving closer to me now, backing my body into the wall behind me and I think I'm going to shit in my jeans, I can't handle this kind of close promixity.

I think I'm claustrophobic.

My eyes are watering and I groan. "Fucking tell me, Sadie!" His yelp causes me jump and I duck underneath his arm, moving out of the room, quickly. I'm terrified out of my mind.

Deena's voice is trailing behind me, "Justin, you gotta calm the fuck down, boy!" She is still on my tail as I make it to the front door, I can't think. "Sadie, slow down!"

No, bitch, you're trying to screw me over!

Tears are now flowing down my cheeks unwillingly and I quickly turn my body around, facing her, my face flushed with anger. "How could you do that?" I say, low, my heart aching, my body shaking, "You don't know shit 'bout what happened to me! Not a damn thing!"

Deena's concerned expression diminishes quickly and she folds her arms in front of her chest, brows raised, "You better lower your damn voice in my fuckin' house, girl," I breathe heavily, trying to calm down - I don't know where these outbursts have come from lately - what is going on with me?

I run my hands through my hair, "He didn't rape m-"

She snorts, "You're in denial."

I shake my head, my mind reeling.

I whimper softly, tears clouding my vision - she's wrong, so wrong.

Of course, I trust him...he would never hurt me, he would never do something that cruel - Deena has no idea what the fuck she is rambling on about.

Guilt consumes me now cause it is my fault, it is all my damn fault - how could I be so stupid? He didn't rape me, he didn't, I-

"I slept with him, all right?!"

I can't see her face, can't see her anguish because my vision is blurred by my ever lasting tears - I fumble with my steps - I need to get out of here. I'm no longer welcome here.

"What?" She says now, not believing me.

I roll my eyes. "I fucked Derek, okay?" I say, low, not wanting Justin to hear me, "He didn't hurt me...he never did."

"What?!"

I blink my eyes rapidly, wiping away my tears as best as I can to now see that Deena isn't in the room, at all...its been Justin all this fucking time! I think I'm going to throw up. I step back, hand on the doorknob, turning it slowly-

Justin remains in the middle of the room, eyes wide, body slumped over, "You did what?" He isn't yelling, isn't screaming his lungs out...he's whispering like a timid, frightened child.

He's scared of hearing the truth, of knowing the truth.

God, my heart is aching.

I cut my eyes away from his - tears still falling, "I-I'm sorry," I whimper, opening the door and walking out slowly, "I'm s-so sorry, Justin."

I move to close the door but Deena is now standing in front of me, eyeing me, expression blank once again, I sigh, feeling the guilt consume my body, "You're a real piece of work." She says, eyes lazy.

I probably am.

I bite down on my bottom lip, sniffling, "I didn't m-mean for t-"

"You ignored my best friend for some weak ass dick?" She shakes her head, "After, you fooled 'round with him the very same night?" Okay, that makes me sound bad, really bad. "You're so fucking pathetic, you pie-"

"Dude, chill out," Justin's voice booms behind her and I glance to him, his eyes are so sad, so sad that it is breaking my heart, killing me, actually. I deserve this. I really do. I just, I don't want to lose him. Deena moves away from the door and he leans his tall, muscular frame against the frame, eyeing the floor.

I still have the chance to make things right.

"Justin, I can explain, I di-"

He glances up now, eyes intently on me.

"I love you."

My heart is caught in my throat and I'm smiling. Is this shit real? He still wants me! He fucking loves me! Oh. My. Lord. I think I've died. Is this a dream?

We can be together!

We can defy all the odds against us!

I gush, "Oh, Justin," I move to him, my heart racing, my happiness overwhelming once again, my love for him spilling from my essence, "I'd never thought this could happen to me, I mean, I wanted-"

"I love you enough to let your ass walk on outta here without me ripping you a new one," The anger is evident in his voice, as his blue orbes darken, "I love you enough to let you have some fucking dignity."

I shake my head. He needs to let me explain! "Justin, I-"

He holds onto the doorframe, "Stay the fuck away from me, Sadie," He lowers his voice, "Stay the fuck away."

I open my mouth to speak, I need him to understand, I need him to know that I love him, I've never loved anyone before but I love him, I love him more than I am willing to admit.

I fucking love him.

He slams the door in my face.

He shuts me out.

He breaks my heart in exchange for breaking his.

He tears my dreams out from underneath me.

Its not fair, its just not....

I loved this man.

I love him.

* * *