Chapter Nineteen: "Battle" (Part Two)
"Within crisis, are the seeds of opportunity."
Source: Unknown
You've got them on your side
And they won't change their minds
Now its over
And I'm feelin like we've missed out on everything
I just hope it's worth the fight
"Battle" by Colbie Caillat
I want to disappear.
"I'd fuck him."
Now, I really to disappear.
My sister turns to me, brown eyes wide, curious, "Would you, Dee Dee?"
My cheeks burn with heat as I purse my lips together, my chubby arms instantly fold in front of my ever-growing chest. "I-I don't-"
Zora waves me off. "You would."
I dare not respond for I have nothing to say - I have no idea who my sister is rambling on about, I tend to tune her out when she talks about the opposite sex; not that I don't like hearing about her latest conquests (I really don't like hearing it), its just...its kind of disappointing when you're stuck in a family full of annoyingly good-looking people and then...there's me.
The loner.
The loser.
The fat girl.
I kind of like my shape, okay, I'm lying but I've gotten past the nights of laying up in bed crying my eyes out because I know I'll never be a size zero like my siblings'; I've come to accept this so you have to kind of welcome the stretchmarks, the rolls of flab and the cellulite because no matter how I've tried, I can never seem to be the girl my mother has yearned for me to become since the day I was brought into this cruel world.
For as long as I can remember I've been overweight - memories of my mother starving me still haunt me from time to time...I don't doubt for a second that she'll do it again to me in a heartbeat, but this was never my pain; what truly hurt is knowing I really don't belong in this family, I mean, yeah, they're my parents, but...I don't belong here. I'm not one of them. I'm not pretty. I don't have guys lined up outside my door trying to ask me out.
Maybe I'm not supposed to have the latter yet since I'm only fourteen, but the way I see it, by the time I am actually to date? I still won't have anyone; thats another thing I've come to accept about my life, about my existence...I'm meant to be alone, sometimes I'm relieved by this notion and then there are days when the phone rings and I pray its someone for me, but it never is and it never will be.
Sucks, right?
"You so would fuck Ricky Martin if you had the chance, Sadie!" Zora's exclaim startles me as my eyes dart to our bedroom door, nervously.
Zora has a tendency not to care how she presents herself in front of our parents, if anything, she makes it her number one priority to give them hell, expecially my mother - my mother rags on me constantly, never giving me the chance to just be a kid but one menacing glare from Zora and she immediately backs away from me. I've never understood that. When did the child become the disciplinary?
I bite down on my bottom lip, watching in silence as my sister moves to the television set, changing the channel. "Um," I whisper gently, "isn't h-he g-gay?"
She freezes her eyes on me, shocked. "Are you fucking serious?" Her blonde hair falls over her shoulders as her eyes widen, my heartbeat increases. "He's not gay, Sadie!"
I can tell she is joking around because there is a teasing grin on her lips, I smirk, "What's up with all the leather jeans then?"
Zora places her hand on her hip, head tilted, eyes intense, "Its a fashion statement." She says simply, her eyes threatening me to challenge her on this and somewhere in the depths of me...I do.
"Fashion statement for 'coming out'." I mumble, playfully.
She rolls her eyes dramatically, shaking her head, "People just don't understand talent these days," She points her finger at me, "Mark my words, girl - ten years from now, that guy is gonna be the shit!"
I open my mouth to respond but quickly close it as Maria steps into our room, smiling...which in turn brings a soft grin among my features. I love seeing my sisters happy - its one of the greatest emotions I'll probably ever feel.
Zora eyes Maria, warily, "And where you've been?"
Maria twirls a loose strand of her dark hair around her index finger, hazel eyes gleaming, "With my man." She whispers out tenderly and I roll my eyes.
My sister has been dating some stranger for the past couple of months and everytime she comes home, she looks like this...so at ease, so dreamy like...so in love; really, he isn't a stranger since my family have met him, but not me, I still don't know the guy, still don't know the face to her happiness and maybe its better that way, anyway. Every guy my sisters bring home to meet our parents tend to be extremely appalled by the notion that I am a part of this family, yes its true, I am this repulsing to the obvious eye.
So, I really don't want to meet my sister's guy. Not at all.
Zora scoffs, "You still messing with that guy with the big ass nose?" She giggles which causes Maria to frown.
"He does not have a big nose, Zo-"
"He's got five-head then-"
"Shut up."
"Just being honest, big sis.."
I purse my lips, "Whats a 'five-head'?"
Maria folds her arms in front of her chest, annoyed while Zora winks at me, loving this. "Its when you can put your whole hand," she moves her left hand to her forehead, showing me, "on your forehead, palm down." She's chuckling, face red, "That boy got a big ass head, Sadie, I ain't lying."
I want to laugh but I hold it in cause I know it hurts Maria; she's sensitive like me in a way, except she's just skinnier than me and actually pretty, but other than that, we are more alike than I care to admit - she is so naive to the world, to her surroundings, I guess this could be a good aspect to my sister - she only sees the good in people. I'm optismistic about love...she's optimistic about...everything.
I could never be that way. I could never be so blind to the truth. To life.
I would never set myself up for more heartache than I need or deserve.
"You're pissed a-at me, aren't you?" Sadie's fragile, timid, voice pulls me from the front of the road before me, I lick my lips, quickly.
I should be pissed at her slow ass, I should want to beat the hell out of her, I should want to do something, anything, to justify how she treated Jade; I won't think of how she handled our mother because in all honesty, she deserves every bit of backlash for how she's treated my youngest sibling - growing up in a home like that, knowing your mother has complete control over your every move, every thought, every decision can be a blessing to some...but never for us.
We never had it as bad as Sadie; I don't think I'll ever understand the reasoning for my mother's treatment of her - vague memories of my mother pregnant with Sadie are rare, I wonder...was she unhappy? Is this the reason for such hatred? My mother has a way of hiding her emotions from people who really don't matter to her, including her own family; she's so strong, so independent that you have to wonder if there ever was a time in her life when she needed someone, anyone.
How do people like Mabel end up being able to have children when there are others who deserve it the most but are unable? God works in mysterious ways, I guess.
There isn't an ounce of me that is even in least bit upset with my sister; we've been worried out of our minds about her - running off, hiding...thats not my baby sister at all - we had been calm at first knowing she was in the safety of my friend, Derek, but then she ran out on him without a word and my mind raced with haunting thoughts, terrifying images.
My family is fucked up, this I do know, but my sisters? We're all we have in this world - our love is constant, unwavering, never faltering; if one walks away from this bond that we share then we flounder, we break, we cease to exist. I don't have much luck in the men department - I tend to fall in love too easily, I've been this way since before I can remember so I've never had anything stable in my life, never had anything to really hold on to except for my sisters.
I'd give my life for those four women, I would; pain strikes me now as I think of Jade - you'd think I'd be depressed, you'd think I'd be somber, but I'm not...I can't be. Jade...her being here is just another pull from The Lord to bring my sisters together again. I don't believe in her dying because it won't happen, not anytime soon, I hope.
She needs her family, she needs love...this is what will save her, I know it will...oh God, it just has to save her. "Not pissed," I say low, as I make a left turning on Zora's street.
Sadie moves uncomfortably in her seat and cuts her eyes to the window, "Maria, I," she pauses, thinking, "you," she pauses again, sighing, "I'm so sorry."
The sincerity in her voice causes my heart to ache, I cut my eyes to her fragile frame and with my free hand, I entwine her fingers with my own, willing her sad eyes to mine, "Its okay, Sadie," tears reach her eyelids and she shakes her head, not believing me, "honey, its fine...I'm just glad you called me."
The grip of our entwined hands tightens as she squeezes my hand, "I-I have no one," She whimpers out softly as I turn into Zora's driveway, parking, and then shutting off the engine, moving my body slightly so that I am facing her, my brows rise in confusion, "I messed up bad, Maria."
I cock my head to the side, curious, "Everyone makes mistakes," I sigh, "Jade knows you didn't mean those things you said...she knows, Sadie."
Her brown eyes cut away from my view as she cries softly. I don't know whats going on. "W-When you were dating J-Justin...did I meet him?"
I widen my eyes.
So random.
I should've known - this is about a boy. "I...don't know, probably."
She slips her hand from my grasp and sniffles. "I met all the guys you've dated, all of 'em," her eyes find mine now, so lost, so sad...it tugs at my essence. "But I don't remember him...why is that?"
I squint my eyes, bewildered, "Did Justin do something to you, Dee Dee?" I fold my arms in front of my chest, anxious, "Did he?"
Relief washes over my soul as she shakes her head, quickly. "N-No, Maria," she purses her lips, "how did you do it?"
Something is definitely wrong with this girl.
What the hell has Justin done to my sister?
I'll kill him.
"What?"
"Why did you let him go?" I open my mouth to speak but her words are rushed, "How could you let a man like that go?"
My heartbeat increases and I breathe in deeply, trying to settle my nerves; I'm going to get to the bottom of what the hell is going on if it kills me, no, scratch that...it won't kill me, but damn will do something to Justin Timberlake's skinny ass. "Excuse me?" I whisper, low, my mind already made up, I don't have time to play games with this girl, I'm going to the main source.
I need to see Justin.
I need to know what the hell he has done.
My family can't deal with anymore heartache. "You let him go, Maria," she's saying now, "you loved him but you let him go. Why?"
I turn the key in the ignition, determined, "Go on in the house, Sadie." I fix my eyes to whats before me, heart racing, "We'll talk about this later."
She's shaking her head, refusing. So fucking stubborn. "No, p-please j-"
I unlock her door. "Get out, girl," I speak low, my voice stern, harsh, "you worry 'bout your family not some little crush that don't mean shit."
I can tell she's hurt, surprised, but more than anything, just disappointed, but she doesn't make this known as she opens the passenger door, exiting, shoulders slumped over, eyes downcast - I want to apologize, my body surges with regret, with guilt but I do nothing as she shuts the door and slowly walks up the driveway, dejected; I put the car in reverse as I back out into the street.
I'll make things up with my baby sis later - I got shit to handle first.
* * *
She opens the door.
"Hey-"
Slam!
Shuts the door in my face as I roll my eyes - I did not just drive out here to get no answers. Hell to the no - do people know who I am? Who my family is? Better yet...my sisters?
I can hear arguing voices behind the door as I knock, again, refusing to be let out in the cold, I need to protect my family from anymore pain; Justin is going to have to leave my baby sister the fuck alone.
He's nothing but trouble.
I make a move to call him on my cell but as I do this, I step back, startled as the door opens and now I'm face to face with the man I've been dying to see - my heart sinks at his appearance; I've learned from personal experience that man before me doesn't exactly hide his emotions very well - he's an open book if his heart has been broken. How do I know this? I wouldn't say that I broke his heart...he didn't love me, I know he didn't, but this is a small ass town and when things turned cold between him and Tyler...everybody and their momma knew about it.
Plus, he had been a complete bitch to anyone who crossed his path - I understood his pain...this man had really loved that girl, with his whole heart and soul but sometimes, people just don't deserve the good things in their life if they keep fucking things up - and Justin? He had fucked up too many times to count.
His good luck with love had ran out, run dry.
He slammed the door close behind him, bags very apparent underneath his eyes as he folds his arms in front of chest, towering over me, trying to taunt me. Doesn't work.
I ain't scared of the boy.
And I never will be.
I smirk. "Guess Deena still hates me, huh?" I whisper, my tone dry.
I never liked that bitch, anyway.
His blue orbs remain intense on me, "What do you want, Maria?"
I can see he means business so I motion for him to sit down beside me on the porch steps, he cautiously steps down and puts as much distance between us as possible.
"You got five minutes, woman, so hurry the fuck up."
I hiss.
What a gentleman.
"You were much nicer to me when we used to date," I speak, my words, soft as I pull my knees to my chest, studying his odd behavior.
He coughs, "Thats because you would suck my dick, Maria," my eyes widen, "thats the only fucking reason I was nice to yo' ass."
I would hit him, curse him out but its not even worth it - he's not worth it; what a pathetic waste of a human being. "You know," I push his shoulder, roughly, "I never did no shit like th-"
A teasing grin eases its way onto his features and he pushes me slightly, causing me to stumble, "I'm just fucking with you, Ri."
Ri.
My heart tugs at the mere mention of the name he once called me so affectionately - the name he would always say right before he'd kiss me, the name he'd breathe on my skin, my lips...so not a good idea to think about this. Sadie, Sadie, Sadie - yeah, thats what I'm here for. "Whats going on with you and my sister, Timberlake?"
I instantly notice the tension in his form as he runs his fingers through his short curls, sighing, avoiding my gaze. "Ain't shit going on with me and Sa-her."
I lean closer to him, resting my head against his shoulder. "You like her." I state, speaking this outloud kind of freaks me out - makes me realize how real this actually is - my ex-boyfriend likes my sister - my sister is falling for my ex-boyfriend; my family really is fucked up.
He doesn't move his body when I rest my head on his shoulder, shockingly, he wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me closer, more into his warmth. "Hey," he whispers, ducking his head so he can see my eyes, so he can read me, "you mad 'bout that?"
He cares - yeah, the guy needs some serious help but still...he is a decent man, he really is.
I half-smile. "I was kind of surprised at first but," I speak the truth, "my sister's never felt anything before, J, this is so new for her, everything," I watch as his face falls, his eyes become hard, rough, "...what's going on with you?"
He holds onto me tighter, his chest heaving, "I just, I," he pauses, gathering his bearings, "I don't wanna talk about her, all right?"
I'm confused - I was so sure he had done something to my sister - I mean she was crying and he's upset and...my eyes widen as it dawns on me; my sister has done something....
I shift my body in his arms, "What did she do, Justin?" My soul throbes as he painfully scrunches his face in despair, "Talk to me." I whisper, soothingly.
He whimpers. "I love her."
I did not expect nor did I want to hear that.
Uncomfortable. That is what I am now.
He loves my sister. He fucking loves her.
I loved him. I was in love with him.
I guess that didn't matter to him.
I should have never came here. I'm getting my feelings hurt.
I haven't healed these old wounds of mine.
"Oh," I say, wearily.
"And then she does this shit to me," he shakes his head, chuckling, bitterly, "she ain't even my woman, but still, I fucking made it clear that I wanted her, I," tears are now falling down his pale cheeks, causing me to be disturbed, slightly, he turns his pitiful gaze to me, "all I wanted to do..." he rambles off.
I place my hand on the base of his back, rubbing him there. "Its 'kay, Timberlake," I mumble gently, my heart pounding in my ears.
I'm not sure if things will be okay, I'm just saying shit to try to make him feel better.
Well, really, make me feel better.
What the hell did Sadie do?
"Am I wrong for wanting that, Ri?"
I cock my right brow, suspiciously, "Wanting what?"
Do I really want to know his answer?
Hell no, I don't.
Please be gentle with my feelings, Justin, please.
"To be with her." He moans out softly, crying, quietly, "all I wanted...all I want is to be with her." His fingers roam over his tired face, "Why can't I just be happy? Why would she do this to me?"
I watch in silence as he cries into his hands, his body slumped over, so broken, so used, and my heart wills me to move closer to him, "Hey," he doesn't hear me as his cries increase causing his body to shake with tremors, I wrap my arms around him, my pounding heart is against his arm, trying to pull him closer to me, closer to my warmth.
"Come 'ere."
He falls into my embrace now, gripping onto my shirt tightly, crying on my flesh, pinching my skin, shivering against my touch, "Why don't she want me, Ri?" I close my eyes, so damn confused, "why?"
Somebody better start talking.
And soon.
* * *
