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Chapter Twenty: "You Could Be Happy"

"Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself."
Source: Unknown

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

"You Could Be Happy" by Snow Patrol

I feel so empty, so fucking worthless - I've lost everything, well, not entirely everything but it sure as hell feels like I do; I lost the only person I've ever felt anything for. I'm twenty-two and for the first time in my life, I am completely, undeniably in love with a man I will never have. I don't know what exactly hurts more - knowing I can't have him or never being able to tell him the truth, never being able to profess my admiration. I guess all things happen for a reason, right? I mean, if I can't have him, if I can't call him my own then...well, maybe I'm better off without him.

This has to be the right decision I've made. But somehow, this aching feeling is pulling at my conscience, telling me I need to go back to him, to plead my case, but I will never do this, I have more important issues at hand like right now, my sister is dying or so I'm told and I'm supposed to be worried about her, not about some little crush....

But he's not just some crush, really, truthfully.

My eyes glaze over suddenly as Jade embraces me into her arms, her skeleton like frame bringing me back to reality - bringing me back to what truly matters most. My family. "Ah, Sadie, we were so worried!" Her short blonde hair tickles my nose as I close my eyes inhaling her strong fragrance, as a child I could tell how my sister was feeling that particular day by what fragrance she decided to wear but now...I have no clue.

I don't know what I should be feeling right now. Guilt? Remorse? Sorrow? I can do nothing but make my mistakes known. I can do nothing but try to make amends with the only people I have left in my life.

Our heartbeats entwine as we hold on to each other tightly, afraid of letting go, afraid of declaring the inevitable. "I'm sor-"

Jade tightens her lock around my waist, chuckling softly, stinging my soul with pain, "Shh, little Sadie," her bony like fingers find the base of my back and she rubs me gently, a soft cry slips from my existence, I really didn't realize something until this moment, until she whispers into my ear of how much she loves me, how much she has missed me; my tears flow freely now, clouding my vision, shaking me to my core, God, I really didn't know this until now, I really didn't let my mind grasp around the notion of it until now, until my cries of sadness overwhelm my body whole....

I've missed my sister.

* * *

So, I don't know what to really think right now as I enter my sister's home, welcomed by silence; today has been...unusual, to the say the least. I never would've pictured in a million years that I would be comforting my ex-boyfriend over his pains of heartbreak caused by my little sister. I should get the trophy for most understanding, nonjudgemental person because I can't believe I'm still in one piece.

I can't believe I haven't had some sort of nervous breakdown.

The history between me and Justin has always been something I used to look upon as bittersweet, as young innocent crushes, love, even but after spending the better part of the day in his presence, I've come to the conclusion I've been wrong all along. I thought I loved him, maybe once upon a time the meaning of love was there but never evident; a part of me believes I might have loved the idea of being with a person like Justin. I'm a dreamer. I believe in fairy tales. Justin, even in his faults, had become my fairytale, my happily ever after....

That is until today.

Justin is in love with my little sister; Sadie, the girl who never gets the guy, has captured my ex-boyfriend's heart. My emotions earlier were raw, new, so unaware of the pain my heart would feel knowing he loves her, Justin loves Sadie and there is nothing I can do or say to change it; for a brief second, I felt compelled to wreck havoc on whatever has possessed Mr. Timberlake to fall for my overweight, not so pretty, younger sibling. You think I'm a bitch, right? I said for only a second I felt this way but I would never do that to Sadie, no matter how much it hurts my essence to see Justin heartbroken, not because of me or of what we've shared in the past but of the present and his failed future with my sister.

So, in the midst of my sadness, I consoled his aching soul and knew my sister would never intentionally hurt another being; her heart is so fragile, so sacred, so timid....she's more likely of getting her heartbroken than causing distress to another person. Something isn't right. Sadie doesn't have that much confidence in herself to stand up to anyone, let alone someone she has feelings for.

"Maria?" I turn around sharply at the beckoning of my name, "When did you get here?"

I shrug out of my black, wool jacket, placing it lazily over the armrest of my sister's sofa. "Just got back," I whisper softly, "Where is everybody?"

Sadie's brown orbs dance. My heart warms. "In the den...," she sighs, happily, "playing pool," her face falls, "you still mad at me?"

I frown. "I was never mad at you, Sadie, I was just worried Justin did something to you-" her body tenses and I eye her skeptically as her breathing increases, "you wanna talk 'bout what's going on with you?"

She folds her in front of her chest, protectively, shaking her head, immediately. Well, this isn't going to be so easy. "T-There's n-nothing t-to say," I roll my eyes, "have you talk to mother?"

I'm not slow, I know she's trying to change the subject. I'll let it slide...for now. "I don't wanna talk to Mabel." Her eyes downcast, "Why?"

Sadie cuts her eyes. "I just wanted to tell her I didn't me-"

I smirk, "Girl, you know you meant every word you said the other day," her eyes widen in horror and I chuckle, "its allright, Sadie....us Kennedy sisters are all back together...thats what matters."

I can tell she's not buying this for one second but she nods her head slowly, relenting. "I guess s-so," her shoulder slump over slightly, "it feels good to have the family back together again."

Her mind is elsewhere, well, really, her heart is somewhere else right now. I need to know what is going on with her. I need for her to trust me. I bite my lower lip in hesitation, "So...what happened with Derek?"

She turns her back to me, her head falls into her awaiting hands and I watch in confusion as she breathes silently into mid-air. What the hell is wrong with this girl?

I step forward, cautiously. "Sadie?"

Its then I notice her soft whimpers, her soft aching cries from someplace broken within her, my older sibling instinct immediately kicks in as I move to her side, studying her broken like frame - I don't understand.

Justin is hurt. Sadie is crying....

Maybe she really did break his heart?

I shake my head slowly. My sister would never do that, though. She wouldn't know the first thing about hurting another being. She just...

"Sadie?" I repeat, my heartbeat increasing, as she sniffles softly and wipes the fallen tears from her chubby, pale cheeks, her brown long hair is now covering her eyes so I can't read her even if I wanted to.

She coughs. "Me and Derek a-are over." She states, her body beginning to shake, as her trembling fingers run nervously through her hair, she leans her body against the armrest of the sofa beside her, for support.

My brows rise. "Ok." I blow out gently. I haven't spoken to my friend since the night Sadie took off with him and I can only suspect something had to go horribly wrong for Sadie to leave Derek alone. He is such an upstanding kind of guy. He would never purposely hurt my sister. I know he wouldn't...I mean I hope I didn't. No, he didn't. He couldn't. "I do-"

Sadie eyes the door to the den, probably debating if anyone will make the presence known in the next few seconds, her empty, sad brown orbs find me now, and I shiver underneath her gaze. What is wrong with my baby sis? "Promise m-me something, Maria." I nod my head and she groans, "Promise."

I feel like we're in high school again - usually it was me coming to Sadie, making her promise not to tell anyone the secrets I would share with her, and she never did; I think in everyone in my family has enlisted Sadie with one of our "deep" secrets at one point in our lives because she's the only person you can truly trust with such information. Sadie never goes back on her word. Her word is her bond. No lie.

I breathe out quickly, "Promise."

Her tense body relaxes some and she motions for me to follow her into her room. I do. I'm so interested in what she's going to tell me that a part of me has forgotten that Justin is in love with her...just a part.

She closes the door behind me and leans against it, her eyes closing briefly. "I messed up things, Maria."

I cautiously sit down on her plush bed, crossing my legs, I cock my head, intently watching her, trying to read her. "With Derek?"

"N-No," she stops suddenly, thinking, "well, yes, but really with someone else." Her eyes cut away from me, focusing on something on her desk.

Okay, we're getting somewhere.

"Someone else is Justin?" She nods her head slowly, pain evident on her features, my heart sinks. "What happened?"

She seems in thought, trying to choose her words carefully. "I-I slept w-with Derek."

I scoff, "No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

She's bluffing. "No, you did not."

"Maria, yes I d-"

My eyes widen. "Stop playing with me, Sadie."

She rolls her eyes. "I'm telling you the fucking truth, Maria!" I jump slightly at her outburst, her face reddens in shock of her confession.

Something still isn't right. Something isn't making sense to me.

"Ok, first, why are things over between you and Derek if you just had sex with him?" I notice immediately the tense frame as I mention my friend's name. What the hell?

Sadie twirls a loose strand of her hair around her index finger, nervous. "I d-" she pauses, not sure of what she is going to say next. Red flag. "It w-was a m-mistake."

I cross my arms in front of my chest. "Second, if it was a mistake...how exactly did it get that far?"

She looks alarmed, confused, and even shaken with fear. I'm not sure what is going on with this woman. What I do know is that this isn't my normal, little insecure baby sister...something has happened.

I need to know what the fuck is going on here.

"He d-didn't hear me."

I squint my eyes. "Who didn't hear you, Sadie?"

She sighs roughly, her eyes finding mine. "I c-changed my mind but I d-don't think he heard me s-"

Wait, what?

My body trembles as I force myself off of her bed. My heartbeat quickens. My lips quiver. I feel nauseous.

What?!

No, no, no, no....NO!

"Oh, God," I force out, tears clouding my vision. That bastard! Oh, my little sweet Sadie. This is my fault. Oh, I'm to blame for this happening. What kind of sister am I? How could I let this happen? "Sadie. he forced himself on you?"

She shakes her head, slowly, not understanding, "Maria, he didn't hear me, so its ok-"

What?

I stumble as I move towards her, my legs folding beneath me causing me to fall to the floor, my tears won't stop falling now, they won't cease, I bury my head into the thickness of the carpet, my fingers grasping for anything to hold on to. I can't breathe. My heart is fucking breaking.

Why didn't I stop it?

Why didn't I protect my sister?

"God," I moan out, her presence is made very clear as she moves to the floor beside me, worried. "Its never ok, Sadie," I press my cheek into the carpet as I turn my head, forcing myself to look into her confused brown orbs, "Its not ok."

She's so fragile. So oblivious to the idea that something like this could happen to her - that people like him are actually out there. God, he was my friend! This would've never happened if it werent for me...I think I'm going throw up.

"Its not?" Her frightened voice causes me to force myself up, her eyes wide, so terrified.

I shake my head slowly, I'm not sure what to do now - call the police or take an emergency trip to the hospital? I'm going to kill that asshole. I should shoot off his dick just to prove a point.

I smirk. That really sounds like a good idea.

Sadie remains motionless, her body rigid. "I trusted him." Kill me. "How could he do this?"

This is my doing.

She doesn't show any sort of emotion and I'm confused as to why. I'm having a mini nervous breakdown and she acts as if she is unaffected.

What the hell is going on?

"Sadie?" I mumble softly, my heart aching.

"Hmmm?" She cocks her head, eyeing me, face still showing no expression whatsoever.

What is wrong with her?

"What do you want to do?"

She looks away from my gaze, and for one brief moment, I see my twelve-year old baby sister sitting before me - when Jade had first left, we all had been so broken, so shattered because we knew our eldest sibling was never coming back for us, we would be stuck in this hellhole of a home for the rest of our lives and there wasn't much we could say or do to change the outcome of that, but in the midst of that crisis, my youngest sister had somehow gained some sort of courage and she consoled her sisters like we were the children and she, the mother. Sadie has a way of bringing a smile to your face without trying to - we were so worried about being torn apart if we lost Jade but the truth of the matter is...without Sadie....my family would fall under the pressure.

People say she's not strong, but honestly, the entire Kennedy clan isn't exactly Godzilla, anyway - so long ago, she saved us from giving into the pressure of breaking apart with the ground structure of her ever powerful, never faltering love and now...I don't know w-

Sadie fluffs her hair, her slumped posture changes immediately, so strong, so independent. "Don't tell anyone about this, Maria, ok?" I open my mouth to protest and she shakes her head, "Not yet, anyway...I need to deal with this in my own way, all right?"

I say nothing. When did she become so confident?

"I start work tomorrow," she is still talking, "a mess like this gets out in this town and it can ruin my career before I even start...," her hands fall into her lap, nervously, "will you drive to me to the doctor tonight?"

My heart aches. I nod my head. "Yes, Sadie, but we need to call th-"

She shakes her head. "Nope, not gonna happen." She sighs, "I'll deal with this, Maria...I can't risk losing my job," her eyes cut away from mine, "I just...," she breathes out slowly, "I wanted to believe he would never hurt me, you know? I knew what was happening. I just...didn't want to believe it." She shrugs her shoulders, "And now, Justin doesn't want anything to do with me."

I wipe the tears from my eyes. "You need to tell him the truth, Sadie." She seems like she doesn't care what I have to say. "He's so hurt...you gotta tell him."

Sadie folds her arms in front of her chest, "How would you know?"

I bite my lower lip. "I went to see him." She doesn't face me. "He really cares about you," dare I say the truth? "He's in love with you, Sadie."

Oh, I do not believe I just said that.

She still doesn't face me. "I know," she mumbles softly, "I know." Her body trembles slightly but she quickly stands from her sitting position, shaking away the feeling instantly.

I wait for her to say something else, anything, but she remains mute. My eyes widen. "So, what're you gonna do?"

"I'm going to the hospital tonight. And then in the morning, I'm going to work." She now turns her gaze to me and I gasp at the sight of her silent tears.

"You love him, don't you?" I ask, shocked.

How could I not see?

"Maria," she looks as if she is going to deny this until she stops herself, her eyes saddening, "love isn't enough for me right now, ok?"

What?

"I don't understan-"

Wiping the tears from her rosebud cheeks, she nods to her door, "Come on, lets go, all right?" Her shoulders slump just slightly and I'm pretty sure she's gonna break, "Its just t-too much for me to take in all at once...Derek...Justin...," she shakes her head slowly, "I can only handle so much."

I stand. I can't give up. "Justin can help you through this-"

She waves me off. "He's better off not knowing." Her eyes downcast to the floor, "I can't deal with the love thing...I can't deal with him right now, ok?" She whimpers, tears falling once again, her body shakes, "So, please stop asking me to...please, just let me deal with this in my own way, ok?"

I know she's not going to be able to keep on this strong front much longer if I keep pressing her so I give in....

"Ok."

"Are you serious?" A teasing smile presses along my lips as I curl my body underneath the warmth of my bedsheets.

He chuckles over the line. "Hell yeah, I'm serious," I hold my tongue, "McDreamy all the way."

I feel kind of happy I have someone to share my admiration in television shows with now and who would have guessed it would be with the one man who used to make it known he hated me with violent passion? The friendship aspect between Justin and me is still kind of sketchy since I'm lying to my sister, Zora, about still communicating with the guy...she thinks I'm talking to Trace late at night, like now, but its always Justin.

We have more in common than I ever really gave much thought to - but he is so wrong now. Its McSteamy. I mean, come on, have you seen Eric Dane?! "We'll just have to agree to disagree then." I mumble gently, my heart racing.

"He's an asshole, Sadie," He breathes heavily over the line and I grin - I still can't get over I'm actually holding a conversation with someone outside of my family! I'm pathetic, I know. "Women fuck him...they don't love him."

I shake my head. "He hasn't been given the chance to show that side of him yet, Justin," I sigh, "I think he's capable of falling in love."

"Really?"

I nod my head, even though I know he can't see me. "Of c-course, he just needs a second chance to do things the right way."

"You're so optimistic, Sadie," he chuckles and I'm wonder if he is making fun of me, my cheeks redden, "You think I'll get another chance someday?"

I smile so wide my face kind of hurts. No lie. "Everybody deserves second chances when it comes to love, Justin."

"Even me?"

I don't hesitate.

"Even you."

* * *