Chapter Twenty-One: “Wake Up Alone”
“It's okay in the day I'm staying busy
Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he?
Got so sick of crying
So just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180
I stay up clean the house
At least I'm not drinking
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking”
“ "Wake Up Alone" by Amy Winehouse
Two Months Later
“He is making wonderful progress, Mrs. Thompson,” I settle my body into my reclining chair, eyes closed, left hand to my temple, rubbing, “Bobby is learning to be more patient and that he has to share school property.”
This is partially true; Bobby Thompson had been a riot from the day I walked into my class and had to physically pull him off another little girl because he didn’t like what color her dress was. There have been many parent/teacher conferences in the past eight weeks, showing only minor improvement, and I felt almost compelled to request that he be transferred to another kindergarten class, but his mother, Michelle Thompson, seemed convinced I could maintain her son.
Why?
I honestly do not know. I’ve been trying my best to deal with his temper tantrums, his cursing riots and his bullying of other students but frankly, who knew so much filth could be projected out of a little five year old boy?
I partly blame society for this “ I wasn’t allowed in my time to watch television for hours (even though I do now), or spend all day playing video games “ I didn’t have a life of my own besides working out (what much good did that do?) and following my mother’s strict regimen of how to be the “perfect” daughter that she wanted to mold me into.
“Oh, my goodness that brings joy to my ears, Miss Kennedy!” Mrs. Thompson’s shrill voice brings my thoughts back to her, I sigh softly, “I’m so glad you haven’t given up on Bobby.”
I suck in a deep breath.
Students like Bobby Thompson make me think twice about the education profession. I love what I do, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t have that much confidence to begin with so how am I supposed to be able to handle a snotty-mouthed little boy? But then, as this notion crosses my mind, I shake my head “ this is the reason I do this “ I want to be able to help another, to reach those who seem unreachable. I will get so many more “Bobby’s” in my teaching career and this is just a test for me, calm before the real storm.
“I wouldn’t dare,” I whisper honestly, opening my eyes as I hear my dresser alarm go off suddenly, reminding me of my appointment. “Mrs. Thompson, you’ll have to excuse me, I’m actually late for an engagement-“
“Say no more, honey; I will see you tomorrow morning!”
I grimace, knowing she is telling the truth. “Okay, first thing!” Pushing myself up from my comfy chair, I move to silent my alarm, “Have a good night.” I bid and listen as the line goes dead.
Closing my cell phone, I slip into my comfortable black flip flops and circle into my lonely living room “ my heart thumps in my chest. I glance around me, still in shock that I have something of my own.
I don’t know what compelled me to find my own place last month “ I was tired of feeling like I was taking up Zora’s space and I knew Jade needed somewhere to go “ who wants to stay back at our parent’s home? No one. This is probably the biggest decision I have made thus far, finding this little ole’ apartment and calling it my own, my safe haven.
At night, I still get nervous to be the only one here, to hear nothing but my own breathing and knowing I am truly alone but this is what being a grown, independent woman is; I have to start somewhere and what better way to get rid of my past is than to begin a new life? I’m starting over “ life is anew, as they say.
So, yay me, or whatever.
*
“How have your dreams been lately, Sadie?”
I bite my lower lip, crossing my arms in front of my chest, “Okay….”
“Care to elaborate some?”
No, I really don’t. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to discuss any feelings of mine. But it’s supposed to be for my “recovery” “ I don’t need to recover from anything. I’m fine. I’m okay. All I really want is to be there for my sisters and just do my job to the best of my capability.
All of this other bullshit is nonsense to me “ forgive me, if I’m too forward but I do this to appease Maria; she thinks I need help and that by letting myself be consumed with feelings I haven’t quite dealt with yet will double over and consume me whole. Yeah, okay, I don’t necessarily agree with her.
It’s been two months since my life was taken away from me and at the time, I thought I would die, I thought I would actually shrivel up in a ball and die, but I didn’t. I survived. I lived another day. Life goes on, with or without me.
Besides, I kind of like being more dependent upon myself than others “ I haven’t felt this much confidence within myself in a long time, probably ever; I love waking up in the morning and knowing that I am the maker of my own destiny. I know I won’t fall in love or get married but who needs that crap? I got my romance novels and television shows to hold me over on those long, lonely nights.
I don’t anyone, really. I’m content by myself just like I’ve always been.
I shift slightly under her gaze, “I’ve had fewer dreams about him and more dreams about the blue skies,” she glances away from me to write her observations down in her notebook, “Remember, the one I told you about last time?”
Dr. McGee nods her three-hundred thousand a year head at me and glances up briefly to study me, she’s always studying me, trying to figure me out, which is most likely so easy because I’m pretty much an open book.
“So, less dreams about Justin?”
Even as she says his name, my heart hurts; I instantly look away from her. It’s easier for me to think of him without saying his name, without putting name to my once heart’s desire. It annoys me “ it pisses me off that even now, I still feel something when I hear his name.
I still yearn for him.
“I don’t dream of him at all anymore,” I lie, my voice betraying me with how high it is, how absolutely close it is to breaking.
The truth is, I dream of him always. I see him in my mind now. I see him laughing at something ridiculous that his best friend, Trace, has said and his blue orbs dancing with mischief. I see his eyebrows rising in amazement when he feels as if he has been outsmarted. I see his pink, thin lips moving quickly, melodies flowing from him so freely, especially when inspiration has struck. I see him lo-
“Have you seen him since our last visit?” Dr. McGee is curious, she is being nosy like her job permits her to do but sometimes when she talks about him, and I feel as if she is crossing a boundary, wanting to know too much.
Running my fingers through my locks, I shake my head, heart steadily thumping, “Not since the last time I told you about.”
I’d like to forget that time ever existed.
“Sadie, please put a smile on your face,” Zora is bothering me, constantly in my face, annoying the crap out of me, “you seem so down!”
I roll my eyes. We are the downtown mall “ my sister convinced me that I needed to get out of the house and have a quality “ladies” day with her but I’m not feeling this at all. I would much rather be at home, curled up with my best friend “ Ben & Jerry.
We have been here for the past two hours, looking around at random stores and I get more depressed as I see these outfits, these size two or four outfits that my behind can’t fit into. I will admit I have a lost a good ten pounds since moving back down here, but that’s it.
I’m a size ten, barely, and I could really care less; before, I would’ve cried, been upset about my stretch marks and my cellulite, but I’m human and if anything, after watching the TLC Baby Story marathons, I realize it happens to the best of us. I don’t necessarily like my body, but I don’t hate it either. You do the best with what God has given you.
The only aspect that annoys me is having to go into these stores to pretend I’m shopping for something when I knowingly know that I cannot wear anything “ Zora might not realize it, but that’s painfully embarrassing “ to have people not even ask to help you because they know they really can’t.
So, I try my best to smile now as she twirls around me in some little short blue jean skirt number she has tried on. I want to go home. “How do I look, honey bun?” She asks, teasingly.
I pout. “Cute.”
Zora frowns. She wants me to be excited. She wants me to be having a good time and I feel bad suddenly because we were so close before and so connected but lately, I’ve been keeping my distance from her and I know it’s killing her. I could tell Zora anything, well, anything, but what is my reality.
I don’t want to cause anyone else any more pain. I don’t want to be more of a burden to her than I’ve already been since returning home. Sometimes I feel as if I am doing this because I love my family too much.
But I can still try to make an effort with her; I know that’s all that it would take to turn her around. “It’s okay,” I speak honestly, eyeing her, “but I think you can get something better.”
She pinches me, suddenly and moves back towards the dressing room door, “I knew this wasn’t the one,” her blue eyes glaze over and she winks at me, quickly, before disappearing behind the door, “you always got my back, Sadie.”
I shrug my shoulders, nonchalantly, eyeing the entrance to the store as it chimes, and my heart suddenly sinks in my chest when I notice those curly brown locks and clear blue orbs. I don’t think I’m prepared for this. I don’t think I’m strong enough yet to see him again.
My hands are beginning to tremble and I clasp them together, tightly, nervous. I wonder what foul things he will say to me, how much he hates me, how despicable I am to him, how fat I’ve gotten lately, the list can go on and on; I wonder what should I say to him? Anything at all? Or should I play dumb? I don’t know what’s the reaction I’m going for, I don’t know what is the normal protocol in these type of situations.
Maybe, I’ll be honest this time around, maybe, I can tell him what’s really going on “ maybe, I can actually tell him I love him more than my own self and that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt him “ should I remind him of these past few months? How much he has changed my life? How much he has made me believe that I, myself, could actually be capable of having a love of my own? Would it be too much if I were to kiss him and hope my love for him will make things okay between us again?
I’m a hopeless romantic, obviously “ in the movies, the guy is pissed off at the girl or vice versa and she’ll come to him and profess her love and just be completely honest and somehow, everything works out…they ride off into the sunset together. Is it too much that I wish this could be the case between him and I?
My heart is thumping in my ears as I take a deep breath, I feel my body moving, guiding me to the front as I watch him glance over various items of clothing “ I’m so close, I’m not sure what I’ll say, but all I know is that I miss him. I thought it was better having him out of my life, but it isn’t, it just can’t be. I’ve loved someone for the first time in my life and to have that love reciprocated is very rare, indeed. I was a fool to believe I could just forget about what we shared between us. I love this man and I hope he still loves me.
There is still a chance for us, I know it.
A smile tugs at my lips, “Who is the chick with Timberlake?” Zora’s voice suddenly clouds my existence, stopping me short, stalling my steps and my heart.
What?
My eyes search frantically and I realize why I didn’t notice her at first; she is so much smaller than him, probably a foot shorter “ her long, strawberry blonde hair is pulled into a high ponytail and her olive skin glistens with what I’m guessing is sweat. They must have just come from some sort of workout.
I step back, my heart sinking, my legs feel numb. I feel numb. Why would I think he still cares? Why would he still care? For all he knows, I’m this big whore who kisses him but fucks another guy in the same damn day! I understand his need to find another but still….why now? Why so soon?
Zora moves beside me now, her blue eyes watching me intently, “You okay?” She whispers, her fingertips brush against my exposed shoulder and I jump, slightly.
An uneasy chuckle escapes me, “It’s probably his girlfriend,” I speak to the air, “I always pictured him to date the blonde, petite types.”
My sister is mute; instead she shrugs her shoulders, moving back to her dressing room. I didn’t expect that. Zora always has something to say, some sort of input she feels everyone and their momma would like to know. But now, she’s paying more attention to the clothing racks before us than to my observation.
I cut me eyes. “This is when you jump in and deny that that’s his girl, Zora.”
Her blonde bangs cover her eyes briefly, “Oh.” She smirks. “Dee, I could give a rat’s ass about who that boy talks to and honestly, I’m glad you don’t talk to his lame ass anymore, anyway b-“
“Zora!”
She holds her hand up, silencing me. “But obviously, you’re not happy about this little arrangement.” Zora cocks her head to the side, smiling, “Why stop talking to the guy if you love him so much, Dee?”
I shake my head. “I don’t love him-“
“Bullshit.”
My breathing increases as I watch him wrap his arm around her tiny little waist. I always knew he liked skinny bitches.
I hate skinny bitches.
“It doesn’t matter.” My feelings are hurt “ this is my entire fault “ I deserve this. I deserve to be alone, for eternity. But still….
He doesn’t miss me?
Zora coughs, “Yeah, okay, you keep saying that and then maybe you’ll start believing it but I call bullshit.” She shakes her head as we both stare as they laugh in each other’s embrace….
I think I’m going to be sick.
“So, should I pretend that I don’t see him?” I ask, quietly, unsure.
“You can be a woman and go speak to him before he notices you watching him.” She shrugs, “or you can cower away until he leaves-“
I move around her, heading to the dressing room. “Yeah, I’ll be a coward,” I close the door behind me, “tell me when he leaves.”
Zora’s laughter annoys me but still brings a smile to my face. “Are you freaking serious, Kennedy?” Her laughs grow stronger, “You are acting like my son, but worse, so freaking worse! Big baby!”
I giggle softly. I need to laugh to keep the pain from seeping through my existence. I need to laugh so I don’t fucking breakdown in this damn dressing room. I need to laugh before I break my heart even more than I already have.
Damn, this is my doing. I lost him and he’s moved on to the skinny bitch and I’m still stuck here…being fat, ugly and alone.
“Nope, I haven’t seen him.” I tug at the hem of my black silk dress, fidgeting is one of my worse habits but Dr. McGee brings this little girl out of me “ I have to tell her all of my deepest, darkest secrets and sometimes, it brings me back to living in that house with Mabel. Oh, I try to forget those memories as much as I possibly can.
“Have you been purposely ignoring him, Sadie?”
I roll my eyes, annoyed. “Why do we always talk about him when we have our discussions?” I shift underneath my weight, “He’s not my problem, okay?”
Dr. McGee removes the brown square-shaped glasses from her oval, caramel face. She sighs, “We’ve been through this already, Sadie “ the relationships that you hold so close to your being is what seems to be affecting you the most.” I cough, disbelieving, “I’m here to help you find closure to your demons that you are holding onto “ I wouldn’t ask unless if it was to benefit you.”
Sure, whatever.
Chewing on the inside of my mouth, I look to her, observant. “I was ignoring him, at first.” I feel a weight on my shoulders, pressing me down. It’s so hard to talk about him. “But, I don’t have to anymore….I don’t ever see him “ nobody talks about him around me so it’s like,” I breathe heavily, tears clouding my vision, “it’s like he never existed.”
But he did. Oh, he did….he does.
“How is Jade?”
Way to change subjects.
Rubbing my eyes, a sheepish grin falls to my features. “She’s happy.”
“How has the chemo been going?”
I don’t like to discuss my sister’s illness; any minute, she can be taken from us and why dwell on the pain of the situation when we have so little time left to begin with. It was hard in the beginning to see her so frail and weak, even more so now since she has begun the chemotherapy, but her spirits are still so lifted.
She has hope. She believes. Well then, so do I.
Life is too precious for to hold onto pass grudges and deceptions. I love Jade too much to hold onto why she left us. I’m just so happy that she’s back.
The physicians didn’t give her a month and it’s been eight weeks. They’re surprised she’s responding to the chemo so well “ she’s a fighter. My family is not ordinary by any means, but we love one another deeply. I would give my life for it to be me in her place and I know she would fight me on this “ our sisterly love, our bond is so strong, so pure.
My love for them is the only sacred emotion I have left in me.
“It’s going good,” I shrug, “I mean, don’t get me wrong “ some days are better than others, but overall, she’s a soldier.”
She nods her head, “I’m happy to hear this.” And I know she means it. I know there is some sort of special relationship between her and my sister, Maria; it’s like she is her special keeper or something. She likes to keep tabs on my family.
“Thanks.”
“So, you know, time is running out and I have to end this as I always do.”
I sigh, loudly. “No, I won’t turn him in, Dr. McGee.”
Her deep intake of breath proves to me that she is annoyed with me. Oh, well. “Your statue of limitations law will expire, Sadie, and you won’t be able to bring this man to justice.” Her arms fold in front of her chest, “What will it take?”
“Derek has moved out of the state.” I say, matter-of-factly and she doesn’t seem phased. “That’s always going to be the elephant in the roo-“
“It is the base to many of your problems.” She speaks, sternly, “You have gained confidence, Sadie “ you have your place and you have a steady profession but this….secret is holding you back.”
I shake my head. “It’s my decision.”
Dr. McGee seems disappointed as her timer sounds off. I smile, grateful. “Some patients heal in different ways,” she speaks softly, “and sometimes, people heal by holding onto a secret that it implodes on themselves and those around them when they least expect it.”
My brows rise. “Are you saying that that is me?”
“I don’t know, Sadie, I really don’t.” She quiets her timer, clasping her hands together. “I just wish you will stop trying to be superwoman.”
“I’m not doin-“
“It’s human to cry, Sadie “ to need someone, to be hurt, to be comforted “ those feelings make you humane.” She half-grins, “It makes you real.”
I roll my eyes.
Bullshit.
*
“Hey, chickadee, it’s Patrice, you know? Your favorite sister! I’m just checking in on you…don’t be a stranger! Stop by the office sometime and see me if you can….I miss you and you know I loves you dearly…..”
I grin as I close my phone after listening to my voicemail. I haven’t visited my sisters’ in a few days and they’re already missing me. Warmth envelopes me. To be loved is an amazing feeling, isn’t it?
Sometimes, I feel so empty here, in this apartment, listening to the sounds of my breathing and hoping somebody, anybody, will knock on my door but this never happens. I don’t think I’ve had anyone but Jade, Zora and my little nephew visit my new digs.
I miss talking to Maria, but she’s been distant “ in the back of my mind, I have a very strong feeling that she is talking to Justin. I’m not stupid. I may be a fool, but I’m not stupid. This girl was madly in love with the man I’m in love with and those urges and emotions just don’t disappear overnight.
I’m not saying they’re missing around but maybe that’s why she doesn’t come around like she used to? Maybe secretly, they’re having meetings about me and the more Justin relishes on his hate for me, the more Maria succumbs to it.
I’m paranoid, I know.
To be honest, I’m frightened more by the notion that Maria has told him about what really happened to me that night. Maybe he knows the truth and he still doesn’t want anything to do with me?
I shake my head. I’m losing my mind!
Stepping into my kitchen, I open the fridge, grabbing my solace “ chocolate chip cookie dough. I love cookie dough “ it’s like putty in my hands. I can talk for days and days about cookie dough, I mean, when you really think about it-
The chorus to You Know I’m No Good by Amy Winehouse (wonderful singer, by the way, but I think she might really want to say yes to the rehab) chimes through on my cell phone and I pick up my phone while biting into my cookie dough.
Oh my, this is heaven!
“What’s up, Z?” I mumble in between chews.
“How come every time I talk to you,” she giggles, “you’re eating?”
I roll my eyes, offended. “I’m,” chew “not,” chew “always,” swallow “eating!”
She’s still laughing. “Girl, stop lying to your big sis,” blush rushes to my cheeks, “so, guess who is moving back to sunny Cali?”
I hope my big behind on my kitchen counter. I should be preparing for my alphabet song that I have to do tomorrow for my little students but instead, I’m going to have to listen to this town gossip nonsense.
Crossing my legs, I nibble on my cookie dough. “John Riley from ‘round the bay.”
Zora scoffs. “Who the hell is John Riley?” Beats me. “Girl, no….,” her voice lowers, “It seems that Mr. Timberlake has gotten himself another record deal with JIVE.”
My cookie dough slips from my fingers suddenly; my heart feels as if it has fallen out of my chest. “He’s l-leaving?” I feel my stutter come back and I curse myself silently.
“Yes, ma’am.” She breathes heavily over the line, “Folks say he is leaving in about three weeks or so.”
I want this, right? I mean, I haven’t seen the guy in almost six weeks. I haven’t talked to him in two months and he obviously has moved on. He doesn’t want anything to do with me “ I’m probably the last person to even cross his mind….so why does it hurt knowing he won’t be within driving range, anymore?
“Oh, g-good for h-him.” What the hell is up with the stuttering?
“What you thinking over there, baby sis?” Zora’s voice is timid, cautious.
I shrug my shoulders, unaware of the silent tears until I feel them fall onto my fingertips. Why am I crying? I’m such a baby!
“Nothing, really.”
I want to die, honestly. I was okay with him being here still, knowing we can’t be together, but he still was so close, but now he’s leaving….who will protect him?
Who will be there for him so that he doesn’t fall, again?
“It’s okay to be hurt, boo.”
I sigh. “I’m n-not hurt, just disappointed.”
“Huh? Why?”
A soft cry escapes my being then and I feel myself close to the edge, close to my breaking point, the point where I can’t go back, the point of no return. I need to stop. I need to gain composure. I need to be this new and approved Sadie.
But she’s a fake.
I’m still weak as I’d been before. I can’t handle too much and this right here….knowing he’s moving on without me, knowing I could’ve been the one going with him to follow his dreams sickens me…it kills me.
I choke. And I felt it then. The vile etching its way up my throat and out of me. I drop my phone, my hand immediately covering my lips as I rush to my bathroom, kneeling over the toilet, I let it go. I let it slip from me. This retching feeling of pain and anguish. This guilt. This shame.
I should’ve told Justin the truth about Derek, but I was scared to, I was afraid of actually having something real. I was afraid of it being too real for me. I was afraid to not be in my comfort zone, my element. I’m used to waking up alone. I know my fate.
But with him, I almost believed it was possible to have something more than just my pillow to cuddle up to at night. With him, I was thinking all of these things; things were possible when I was with him.
Its gone for good, now. I feel it doubling back up as it exits my body, leaving my head dizzy, my body shaky. I flush the remains. I brush my teeth, wash my hands and face, I do this routine so I won't grasp around the feeling too much.
I forget my sister on the phone as I turn on the showerhead, peeling my dress and undergarments from my body as tears stream down my face, I catch my face in the reflection of the mirror.
Chubby face, empty brown eyes, ugly freckles scattered to and fro. I am an empty inside, an absolute mess.
And its my fault.
I spit in the sink, the vile taste still lingering in my mouth. I wonder what he ever saw in me. I wonder what made him fall. I wonder what made Derek decide I wasn’t worthy enough to be saved for something real. Mabel knew it from the day I was conceived “ I was nothing. A blimp on her radar. I was shit.
So, what made Justin see differently? What made Derek see differently?
I stare at this ugly beast in the mirror. This fat, ugly beast.
I see now why Derek didn’t care. I see now why Justin wants nothing to do with me. It takes everything in me not to fall to the floor and sob for the love I have forever lost.
“I hate you.”
Where did that voice come from?
I glance to the mirror as the heat from the shower is clouding the glass and I shake silently when the voice I hear, the voice that is verging on bitterness and disgust is….mine.
*
