I want to take the breath that’s true,
I look to you and I see nothing,
I look to you to see the truth
- “Fade into You” by Mazzy Star
The highlight of my day is when I have time to spend with Kyle - he is probably the one good thing about me being back in Memphis. On the weekends, our routine is that he spends Saturday with me and we head to the movies and get a bite to eat. I think Kyle enjoys it more than I do because Zora doesn’t like to tag along.
Now, we’re sitting at the local town restaurant named “Fries and Chips” - it’s known for its fresh fish and various side orders of food. As a child, I loved coming here when my mother didn’t know it - Zora and I would always get the catfish and chips, a weird combination I know but it was delicious.
Kyle has spent most of the time in the playground in the back while I’ve sat in one of the many booths and is entertaining myself with the book The Awakening by Kate Chopin. I’ve always liked this novel because it represents the feminist awakening for one young woman - who is a mother and wife, but finally comes to the notion that she can be more than what society has accepted a woman’s role to be.
It is truly beautiful but also frightening to see how she handles her newfound freedom - I’m thinking this and suddenly I hear an outburst of laughter behind me, I ignore it at first but you know that feeling you get when you know someone is looking at you? That’s how I’m feeling right about now - I know they’re laughing at me, I just know it.
I force myself to turn around and see that it is Justin, a younger woman on his shoulder and his compliance from the store. And they’re staring and pointing at me. Suddenly, I feel a rise of heat rush to my cheeks. I turn back around quickly and bury my face into my book - this would be a great time to have Zora by my side but I know that I can’t always have her run to my defense - I’m twenty-two, for Gods sakes!
Justin moves to my table but this time the girl and his friend have disappeared - instantly the odor of must and cigars fill my nostrils and I want to vomit. God, does he take showers? I glance up from my book briefly to be met with his blue eyes and his scary pale skin. “May I h-help you?” I stutter slightly, my heartbeat is increasing by the second.
He coughs in my face and I scrunch my face in disgust. He didn’t even have the decency to cover his germ-filled mouth. Prick. “So you’re the youngest of the Kennedy clan, huh?”
I move back further into the booth trying to bring some extra distance between us because his odor his suffocating me. “Yeah, I think y-you already k-know that by n-now.”
He scoffs at me. “I would’ve never pegged you as one of their sisters - you’re too fat, too ugly and too fucking shy to be apart of that family.” He shakes his head slowly, “But I guess anything is possible.”
I sigh softly and close my book. I’m literally shaking now because I don’t know how to handle myself in situations like this - before I had ran away from him, but now I am trapped in this booth with him hovering over me like some vulture and I am scared to death.
His tall lanky frame stands straight when his friend calls out to him from across the diner, “Man, Justin, hurry your ass back over here because this bitch is pissing me the fuck off.”
He turns his head slightly, and waves his friend off. “Trace, shut the fuck up! I’m handling unfinished business - and Sara Jean, leave him the hell alone before I fuck you up good tonight.”
Justin turns back to me and takes a strand of my hair in his fingertips and sniffs my scent. Disgusting. I pull back from him and watch as Kyle moves back to our booth - he is instantly on guard when he notices how frightened I look.
“Leave my Auntie Sadie alone.” Kyle speaks with strong confidence as he pushes Justin slightly and moves beside me, wrapping his arms around my waist, and glaring up at Justin.
I expect Justin to say something rude but instead he grins and I wish he wouldn’t because the sight is too ugly to witness. “Sadie?” He glances at me and then turns his attention back to Kyle. “I was just saying hey to her, buddy - me and your Aunt are becoming real good friends.”
I turn my eyes away from this conversation and I snort. Yeah, right.
“See you really soon, Sadie.” He whistles as he walks away from our booth and look to Kyle who is staring after Justin, frowning.
“What’s wrong kiddo?” I ask, rubbing his back gently.
“He a mean man, Auntie Sadie.” Kyle looks to me, his gray eyes softening quite a bit. “I will protect you.”
I grin and my heart warms and I slowly relax some. “I wouldn’t know what to do without you, kiddo. I’d be lost, that’s for sure.”
* * *
I made Kyle promise that he wouldn’t tell his mother of our encounter because I didn’t want to add any extra drama which I knew my sister would only bring. I figured that the reason Justin had any notice my presence was because of what my sister made him do - he must’ve been really threatened by her because I didn’t figure he just apologized to people for no reason.
I had brought Kyle over his best friend’s house to spend the night and had headed back home to find Zora in her room getting ready for a wild night. She looked nice - her blonde hair was pulled back into a high bun and she wore some gold hoops to set off her tanned skin while she had put on a black skin tight strapless dress that stopped at her mid-thigh and accessorized this with some three-inch black open-toed heels. She was a hit, to say the least.
She saw me staring at her and she turned around and placed her hands on her thin hips. “How I look?” She twirled once, twice and then three times.
I smiled. “Very nice. Where you headed?”
Zora instantly smiles. “Got a hot date. I haven’t been out on a date since Kyle was two years old.” The smile slowly slipped from her features, making her look a few years older. “I can’t just be anyone around Kyle - I’m afraid he’d get too attached and then if we end things, I know my baby would be crushed. And I can’t handle that.”
“So what’s different now?”
She shrugs her shoulders. “He’s one of the many clients that come to us for help but unfortunately not many women give him a chance because he’s not really handsome, I guess you can say. But he has this amazing presence and personality.” She giggles softly. “I like talking to him. I haven’t liked just being able to talk to a guy in a long time.”
I’m happy for her. “Well, I wish you the best then.” I really do. She deserves to be happy and so does Kyle.
* * *
Being alone on a Saturday night seems like heaven to me, especially living in such a big house like this, I loved it. I had settle into the cushions of the couch in the living room and popped in my favorite, ultimate chick-flick Ever After, starring Drew Barrymore and some guy that was now on that show with them crazy housewives. I had settled on a big bowl of buttery popcorn and was going to spend the rest of my night watching movies and stuffing my face with junk food - okay, maybe I have a hand in me being so big but I don’t care, I should be able to eat whatever I want to.
I love this movie because I’ve always believed that fairy tales are possible. I’m a hopeless romantic, I guess. I don’t know anything about romance except what I’ve seen in the movies and if love is anything like that then I desired to have that one day - but I know that won’t ever happen to me. I’m not the kind to get the guy. I’m not the kind to get anything.
I accepted this fact a long time ago. It was never hard for me to see men flock around my sisters like they were the Gabor sisters or something. My sisters are a catch, I know this and so does every man in Memphis - me, on the other hand, I’m nothing compared to them. Guys look at me as the good sidekick. I can’t even get a guy to be my friend - that’s how unattractive I am.
Mabel had always been convinced that if I lost weight, I would be mildly cute. I knew this wasn’t going to happen just cause I lose weight doesn’t my facial structure is somehow going to magically change.
So, her next effort was to make me join the cheerleading squad. I admit that my junior and senior year, I was the most fit I will probably ever be. I hated it though. I think the only reason I made the team is because all my sisters before me had all been legendary captains - my junior year, I know I made it cause Zora was captain of the squad that year. I didn’t even have to try-out like the other girls had done.
You would think that I would have at least had a date for my senior prom - but I didn’t. My mother had offered to invite my cousin, Ronald, as my date but that would’ve been embarrassing all in itself…to have my cousin as my date! So, I went through high school dateless and very much alone - the only person I even remotely talked to was my sister, Zora, and I barely saw her during school because she was probably one of the most popular girls at Jackson High.
My only sister that has left a legendary impact on Jackson High School is my eldest sister, Jade. She had been captain of the varsity cheerleading squad all four years in high school (something someone has never been able to do but her) had been named Prom Queen and had been single-handedly the most popular girl in the school, all years that she attended. Boys fell upon her presence and girls tried to imitate her.
She was a beauty queen and starlet from the very beginning. Maria and Patrice envied her while Zora and I adored her. She is the only child out of our clan that my mother let do whatever she wanted, because she believed that Jade would bring fame and wealth to our Kennedy name. And she did just that but in the process she forgot everyone who loved her.
I’ve been thinking so much that I notice that the movie is almost over and I sigh - that just means I have to start it over. I giggle to myself. I love being by myself.
Nothing is better than this, absolutely nothing.
* * *
The shrill ringing of the house phone awakens me from my sleeping slumber and I push the covers off of my body and head to the kitchen to retrieve the phone. I’m guessing my sister had a good night out because she hasn’t returned home yet.
I pick up the phone and place it to my ear, yawning while doing so. “Hello?”
“Hey, Dee Dee.” It’s Zora and she is whispering. I wonder why. “Did I wake you?”
I hop myself onto the counter top and cross my legs. “Yeah, but it’s cool. Where are you and are you all right?”
She lowers her voice even more than before and I have to strain myself to hear her. “I’m at Steven’s house - the man I told you about - and I think I’m going to be spending the night, okay?” I hear someone in the background and then she mumbles that she will be right back.
I grin, sheepishly. “Okay, big sis. I guess you’re having more than just a good time.” I hear giggle and I laugh with her. “You don’t waste any time, do you?” I say playfully.
She scowls. “Shut up, bitch!” I hear some more talking in the background and Zora returns to the phone breathing loudly. “I’ll be home before Kyle gets back from his friend’s house. I love you and be safe, Dee Dee.” With that, I hear a click and a dial tone.
I lick my lips and place the phone back onto its charger. I’m happy that she has found someone and I hope he ends up being what she has been wishing for. Everyone deserves some happiness and love sometimes.
I jump down from the counter and turn off the kitchen light while doing so. I guess since I’m up I’ll head to the little market and buy me some more goodies to eat. I need to stop this eating junk food late at night but I can’t help it - when a sista gotta eat, I eat.
I grab my sister’s car keys and head outside to the silver Honda Civic awaiting me.
* * *
Great, its three in the morning and he, out of all people would be here, talking to the only cashier available - I look closely and notice that it is the same girl he had with him at the diner earlier. Just great. I pull my black hoodie over my face more and head down the aisle where many frozen desserts are.
I’m looking at some frozen lemon custard pie when I notice Lynn standing a few feet from me, staring. When I finally focus my attention on her, she smiles and moves to me. “You’re one of the sisters from ‘Find a Catch‘?”
I nod my head. “Yes, Ma’am. I’m Sadie.”
Lynn speaks now. Her blue eyes twinkling. “I’m sorry for staring; I just noticed how different you look compared to your sisters. I see no resemblance, at all.”
I’ve heard this before. I shrug my shoulders and turn my attention back to the lemon pie - I decide I’m going to need about three of these things to prepare for any insult she is about to throw my way. “You’re very pretty - not in the obvious way like your sisters - but you are, though. You are a pretty girl.”
I immediately glance up at this and a smile graces my features when she says this because I am taken aback by her statement. My brown eyes warm to her presence and I feel heat reach my cheeks as I continue to smile at this woman.
“Thank you.” I say honestly, and then I step back from the desserts, deciding that I don’t need any. I guess it’s a guilty pleasure - when I feel pressure or anxiety, I turn to food.
She returns my smile and walks past me. I’m surprised that this woman is Justin’s mother - she is too welcoming and nice to be the mother of such an evil…spawn. That’s what he is - an evil spawn.
One day someone is going to break his self-absorbed bubble and I can’t wait to be there when they do.
* * *
